Judson Merrill Goes to Career Day

My literary career is young, but it’s never too early to begin hoarding canned food in the panic room of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

 

Miss Audrey Penniwether,

Bianca recently informed me that you’re having a career week at her school and some of the parents will be coming in to talk to the kids about their line of work. As you likely know, I am a novelist and, despite working in a very challenging professional landscape, I’ve had some success. I think it’s important that, in addition to accountants and firemen, the children hear from someone in a creative industry. So I am volunteering my time to come in and speak with your students. Also, I’m writing a pretty hard-hitting novel about a first grade teacher and would love to pick your brain. Thursday is the only day that works for me.

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Judson Merrill Applies for an MFA

My literary career is young, but it’s never too early to begin charging the defibrillator of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

Dear Graduate School,

By submitting this application essay, I am rejecting the debate over how possible it is to teach creative writing. It doesn’t matter if great fiction can be taught, because the hacks who run the publishing world believe that it can.

Over the past year I’ve embarked on an intriguing social experiment: the resubmission of every story I’ve ever had rejected from the “leading” literary magazines. My new submissions were identical to the originals but for one detail: the new cover letters claimed that I was a student at one of a handful of prestigious MFA programs. The results have been astonishing.

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Judson Merrill Writes His Own Amazon Reviews

My literary career is young, but it’s never too early to begin hoarding water in the bomb shelter of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

I read because I love good stories and, boy, does Judson Merrill’s new novel have a great one. Scarification is about a poor farmer in 1940s Iowa who overworked his field during the war and must now let it lay fallow. With so much time to think, his past begins to trouble his dreams. Also, the circus comes to town and he starts hanging out with a troupe of acrobatic women. He also befriends some really cool and edgy freak show people. I don’t want to spoil the book’s many surprises, but it turns out some of the freaks have, shall we say, a taste for blood. They’re vampires! I highly recommend this page-turner and recommend that you mark this review as helpful. – MerrilLFan4Life (Dayton, OH)

Judson Merrill’s Scarification is a towering achievement of undaunted brilliance and a luminous love letter to the English language. Given the corporate mindset of publishing these days, we shouldn’t be surprised when the greatest artistic achievements are electronically self-published on Amazon. If you care at all about genius or words, you should read this book. – Eggmoney Boymelgreen (Piedmont, CA)

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Judson Merrill Places a Story

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to begin filling the gas tank of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

 

Dearest Editors,

Please find attached my story, “Tolliver’s Grocery,” for consideration for publication in Rabbit Punch. It’s an intimate account of a ‘60s-era grocery cashier confronted with some bikini-clad customers. As a heads up, I’ve also submitted this story to Granta and they’ve had it for quite a while, so there’s a good chance it’s climbing the editorial ladder over there. I’ll let you know if they pick it up.

Donald,

That’s tremendous news! It will be my honor to appear in Rabbit Punch. I understand that you’re not able to pay, but for this to work for me you’ve got to come up on my number of contributor’s copies. Frankly, I can’t go any lower than seven. Hit me back.

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Judson Merrill Solicits Blurbs

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to begin filling the gas tank of posterity . For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)


Dear Mr. Roth,

I am writing to ask you to read and blurb my new novel, Children of Parents. The book is the stirring story of a brother and sister called home by their mother’s funeral, only to discover she has been living a double life. For years, when they thought she was leaving the house every morning to teach Life Science at the local middle school, she was, in fact, teaching Social Studies. Lost and confused, daughter and son go on a trip through their mother’s curriculum, trying to understand why she chose this bizarre path. Interwoven with this moving narrative are long sections of Social Studies textbooks, which reflect and augment the book’s devastating insights. Children of Parents delivers an emotional one-two punch that knocks loose our assumptions about family and trust.

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Judson Merrill Drafts an Acknowledgments Page

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to begin monogramming the hand towels of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)


While I, of course, deserve the lion’s share of the credit for this novel, many people helped bring it to life. Though many have modestly asked not to be named in connection with this book, I would be remiss not to thank them.

The book’s main idea was born two years ago when I was arrested and processed by a beautiful policewoman. We had a decided chemistry and though, annoyingly, my wife posted bond before I could get her badge number, A Night in Cell Block Love is probably what would have happened between us given more time. My very heartfelt thanks to that law enforcement officer for her inspiration.

Dozens of trusted friends, colleagues, and street people read or listened to me read early versions of the book. Herman Longe, Gregg Otell, Cookie, and Greta Klein all gave invaluable feedback and pushed me to make the book “less creepily autobiographical.”

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Sparknotes for Judson Merrill’s UPSIDE THE HEAD

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to begin recording shows onto the DVR of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

Context

Born in the late twentieth century, Judson Merrill’s young adult life was marked by scandal and disaster. It has long been hinted that he had an affair with a former First Lady and was framed for murder by the Secret Service. This difficult period served as fodder for his very-likely-best-selling but never-released-because-of-institutional-cowardice memoir, Federal Passions, Federal Crimes. Merrill followed that book with a series of groundbreaking novels. His influence on twenty-first century letters is difficult to calculate.

Plot Overview

After being driven from his home by his harpy of a wife, Jeronas Hectus is struck in the back of the head by a small meteorite. The experience rattles Jeronas. He sets off on a search for life’s meaning, first checking with a series of prostitutes to see if enlightenment can be found in the throes of paid-for ecstasy. This highly erotic section of the book is a must-read, but leaves Jeronas devoid of meaning and riddled with social diseases. After consulting a series of spiritual advisors, none of whom provide clarity, Jeronas experiments with increasingly potent drugs that send his first-person account into a hundred-page, semi-lucid rant. (Charges that this section is pointless and incoherent reveal flaws in the reader, not the author.) Finally, Jeronas crushes the meteor and snorts it. An angel descends from heaven and reveals unspeakable truths to Jeronas. Divine revelation or spacerock-induced hallucination? Either way, the sex Jeronas then has with the angel is ridiculously hot.

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Judson Merrill Hits the Festival Circuit

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to begin collecting and selling online the unused jewelry of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

Dear Organizers of the Jerusalem International Book Fair,

I would like to reserve a prime booth at your upcoming event. I am just now completing an amazing or near-amazing novel, The Purple Autograph. By the time of your fair this winter I will be seeking representation and I am certain the many publishers and agents who attend your fair will appreciate having me and my wares front and center.

Also, what kind of A/V facilities do you have available? I’m considering having a recording of my query letter playing on a loop but I don’t want to bother if you don’t have the speakers to be heard over the crowd noise.

Sincerely,
Judson Merrill
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Judson Merrill Queries an Agent

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to get a hand into the sock puppet of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

To Whom it May Concern,

My literary noir speculative romance novel Breath of Bread is about a man caught between the career he loves, the woman he lusts after, the job he left behind, the family he cannot abandon, another woman whom he has conflicting feelings for, the debts that plague him, the professional competitors who will do anything to stop him (and also happen to be members of the family he cannot abandon), a third woman he had this one thing with one time, and the government that has saddled him with a tax code too onerous for his small business.

Breath of Bread creates a Jonathan Franzen-like world where, as in Gary Shteyngart’s Super Sad True Love Story, a man is driven by professional and romantic relationships to confront his own hellish reality. And, like Joshua Ferris’s Then We Came to the End, the comedy of business is black indeed. Also, if you like Alice Sebold’s The Lovely Bones, it’s sort of like that. Crossed with Nora Ephron’s hit movie You’ve Got Mail, which isn’t a book but is pretty literary since it’s about writing letters.

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Judson Merrill explains How To

My literary career is young but it’s never too early to begin never too early to begin trimming the unruly hair of posterity. For the benefit of scholars and fans alike, I will use this space on The Outlet, on a semi-regular basis, to release a selection of my correspondence and other papers. Enjoy. (Universities interested in acquiring the complete Judson Merrill archive should contact me through my web site.)

Excerpts from my forthcoming primer, Sharpening the Razor: How to Hone your Prose into Great Fiction.

People often ask me from whence I get the ideas for my stories and novels. The answer is neither mysterious nor noble. I borrow plots from children’s books, I get settings from my more lucid dreams, and I write about characters patterned wholly on the people I know.

***

Do not wait for inspiration. Good writing is the product of hard work, not lightning strikes. Example: I recently sat down to work on my new novel, Baby Shavers. I had been struggling with a crucial chapter in which the protagonist is found, by his wife, about to shave the hair off their infant child. It is a scene of immense pathos and conflicted feelings. On the one hand, the reader wants the protagonist to make his marriage work and honor his wife. On the other hand, the reader also wants him to shave the baby. I knew if I didn’t get the balance right, the scene would fall flat. Unhesitatingly, I put a poll on my website asking my readers if they thought I should use alternating perspective to capture the duality of the scene.

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