Crappy Writing

Bulwer-Lytton’s Bad Fiction

The grisly scene before him was like nothing Detective Smith had ever seen before, but there were millions and millions of things he had never seen before, and he couldn’t help but wonder which of them it was. — Sean Griffin

The results of the bad fiction prize are in. While winning entries in categories ranging from Purple Prose to Sci-Fi are all delightfully difficult to read, it’s well worth dredging the dishonorable mentions for other cringe-worthy treasures. If the quote above hasn’t enticed you, here’s a peach from Patty Liverance that wasn’t good (or bad enough) to take the Purple Prose prize: “Like a bird gliding over the surface of a Wyoming river rippled by a gentle Spring breeze, his hand passed over her stretch marks.”

Toilet Humor

It’s great when a company isn’t afraid to take the piss out of itself. In preparation for the launch of Editions, an app that aggregates content based on your networks and interests, AOL been referring to its new release as “the app for when you crap.” They even went so far as to customize their office’s toilet paper.

Mental Constipation

Over at The Morning News, in an essay titled “The Crap in My Head,” novelist and linguist David Carkeet muses on the phrases and associated regrets that clog his mind. For example: “we shall see what we shall see,” Carkeet says, brings him “back to my failed job application, my rival for it, his face, his big mustache, his long-collared shirts.”

Full of Crap

Need an outlet for your colon-centric fiction? Tell your therapist that you’ve had a breakthrough, thanks to Crappy Stories (that don’t stink) which is now accepting submissions for “an upcoming collection of short stories that incorporate a common element of our daily lives–the act of going to the bathroom.” But be warned, this is serious shit: apparently they will “not accept any juvenile literature.”

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–Benjamin Samuel is the Online Editor of Electric Literature. He doesn’t have much else to say.