If You’re Not Sure How a Male Author Would Describe You, Use Our Handy Chart

The “describe yourself like a male author would” Twitter thread perfectly lampooned the worst habits of male novelists writing female characters. But it also required you to envision yourself as either a brainless sex object or a valueless nonentity, since those views of women are in fact the habits in question. Not everyone relished the idea of either writing salivating prose about their own hooters or acknowledging that their age, race, or size rendered them invisible.

Enter: the Electric Literature automatic male novelist! Instead of objectifying yourself, let this chart objectify you based on the letters of your name. So for instance, if you’re Whitney Reynolds, originator of the Twitter challenge, you’d look up “w” in column A, “h” in column B, “i” in column C, and so forth, and then plug each word into the sentences below. Here’s your final result: “She had a booty like a wrinkled popsicle and I ached to booty call her.” Okay, there’s a little too much booty in that sentence, but since when is a little too much booty a bad thing?

If you run out of letters in your first name, move on to your last—Bo Derek would describe herself as “She had a bust like a tempestuous ice cream cone and I resolved to”… uh, this one gets a little rude, so we’ll just assume you get the idea. Literary greatness awaits!