TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: GLOBAL WARMING

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing global warming.

Is the world getting hotter? Some say yes, some say no. Others say the world is flat and rests on the back of a turtle, so if things are getting hotter it’s the turtle’s fault. The one thing we can all agree on is that no one knows the true answer and never will.

Scientists should probably start asking old people like myself, because we’ve been around the longest and know what temperatures were like many decades ago. Personally, I believe in global warming and I believe it is caused by humans. I figured this out by using common sense.

Before man, the only things heating up the earth were volcanoes and lightning. Now we have so many manmade things that make heat. Just a couple off the top of my head include cigarettes and soup. So if you care about the earth and want to save it, eat cold soup and eat your cigarettes. But that is only a temporary solution.

The real culprit to global warming is all the open windows. When you open your window, even if it’s just to let a bee out, heat will escape from your home into the atmosphere. With all the open windows in the world this can really add up!

While I will always believe the manufacturing of windows that can open should be outlawed, I know that will never happen because of window lobbyists. That’s why I think we need to reframe the way we think of global warming. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing! No one is going to need a coat anymore. Think of all the money you’re going to save on coats. And ice cream sales are going to skyrocket. Invest in ice cream now and you’ll be rich in 50 years time.

What excites me most about global warming are all the things we’re going to find underneath all the snow when it melts. There will be everything from lost sets of keys to well-preserved archaeological discoveries. It will be an exciting, sweaty time!

BEST FEATURE: Once the planet finishes warming up, everyone will stop arguing about whether it’s warming up or not.
WORST FEATURE: When I get sweaty it soaks through the waistband of my dungarees and ruins my belt and billfold.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Fla-Vor-Ice.