TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: SANTA’S FACE

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Santa’s face.

It doesn’t make any sense that Santa would have a face. He doesn’t need one. This is a magical being who can reshape his body to fit through a chimney. He’s not bound by the laws of physics. Just like creatures that live in caves and evolve to have no eyes, Santa lives in a remote part of the world and has never been seen.

Regardless of why Santa has a face, there’s no denying he has one. Unless you’re going to deny he has anything at all. I’ll begin with the top of his face and move down.

Not much is known about Santa’s forehead. It probably has a few wrinkles but only when he moves his eyebrows. Speaking of which, those are some really white eyebrows Santa has.

Most old men I know, myself included, have really long eyebrows that grow in every direction. Santa seems to keep his trimmed. Good for him. Even with the limited human contact he has, he still finds a reason to care about his appearance.

Moving on to his eyes. His eyes may look like normal eyes, but remember this is a guy who can see you while you’re asleep in the dark and thousands of miles away. Those are some pretty impressive eyes. If a biologist were to remove Santa’s eyeballs and take them apart, I imagine there would be some interesting discoveries.

I’m not going to discuss Santa’s nose too much because noses are gross, and I imagine his is even grosser, always running because of the cold North Pole weather.

Now Santa’s mouth is where things get interesting. Because it is completely surrounded by hair, there is no proof it is actually connected to the rest of his face. It may be that the beard is its own living entity and has only a mouth. Perhaps the entire upper half of the face is a disguise, and this is what Santa truly looks like.

Santa Claus, unmasked?

I guess for as normal looking of a face as Santa appears to have, there’s too much mystery behind it, and this review has only raised more questions than it’s answered. These questions will never be resolved unless someone can capture Santa and put him through some tests. That is what I am asking for for Christmas this year: someone please capture Santa and bring him to me.

BEST FEATURE: His skin is flawless. I’d pay good money to have skin like that.
WORST FEATURE: His face is so generic that he’s incredibly easy to impersonate.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a mug.