TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: SHERLOCK HOLMES

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Sherlock Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes is known as the world’s most famous detective. He’s more famous than Magnum P.I., CSI: Miami’s Horatio Caine, or the detective who tracks down cheating spouses in my neighborhood.

Sherlock Holmes never had to sit around in a Dodge Omni, eating french fries, and watching through his binoculars at people making out. In fact, I don’t think binoculars even existed when Sherlock Holmes was born. They only had uninoculars, also knows as telescopes, and one would have to be held to each eye at the same time. Only the richest people could afford this.

With Sherlock Holmes having recently entered the public domain, anyone is free to write their own stories about him, and those stories must be accepted as canon. Here’s mine which I’m about to write and make up as I go. I’ve also written it under my pseudonym.

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THE ADVENTURES of the INVISIBLE GLASS
By Sir Arthur Conan Doyle

Sherlock reached under his hat to remove his magnifying glass which was perfect for finding small clues and solving mysteries. Unfortunately, his magnifying glass was nowhere to be found. The only thing under his hat was a greasy scalp covered in dandruff because it was the 1800s and hygiene was not yet in full swing.

After looking under every hat he owned (he owned six), Sherlock gave up out of frustration. He summoned his sidekick, Watson something-or-other to aid him in finding the magnifying glass while Sherlock relaxed with his pipe. “Do not simply go out and buy a new one that looks identical,” Sherlock insisted.

Watson just bought a new one anyway and then said he found it behind the couch cushions. Sherlock had no idea he’d been lied to. At least, not until he tried to use the magnifying glass. The cheap replacement couldn’t handle sudden movements — it shattered just as Sherlock put it up to his eye, sending shards of glass through both eyeballs and blinding him forever. “Aaaaggghhhhhh,” Sherlock yelled louder than he needed to because he wanted to make a point.

Sherlock was pissed at Watson. Watson was fine with that because he’d always hated Sherlock’s stupid hat which he clearly just wore for attention. Their friendship was ruined.

THE END

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I wish I had killed Sherlock at the end of my story because then I would know whatever happened to him. As it stands, I have no idea.

One day I expect a new detective will replace Sherlock as the most famous detective in the world. It would be funny if that new detective were coincidentally named Sherlock Holmes.

BEST FEATURE: I think his name is his best feature. It’s one of those names no one else can have without bringing the original Sherlock to mind. Like Hitler or Bono.
WORST FEATURE: He was too perfect. I wish he had left a few more crimes unsolved. That would have given Robert Stack more material to work with for his show.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing cyber bullying.