[{"id":314556,"date":"2026-08-11T07:00:00","date_gmt":"2026-08-11T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/?p=314556"},"modified":"2026-08-11T09:07:49","modified_gmt":"2026-08-11T13:07:49","slug":"3-debut-authors-discuss-how-to-live-in-the-hypothetical","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/3-debut-authors-discuss-how-to-live-in-the-hypothetical\/","title":{"rendered":"3 Debut Authors Discuss How to Live in the Hypothetical"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For the spring edition of our debut craft series, three debut authors\u2014Alexa Yasemin Brahme, Sonia Feldman, and Vincent Yu\u2014discuss in detail their journeys through writing about imaginary lives. One may argue that all fiction is rooted in imaginary lives, but these novels especially feel centered around the <em>stakes<\/em> of these imaginary lives as the protagonists confront, examine, wonder, and muse upon each of their choice\u2019s ramifications on the rest of their years. From the gritty-and-glamorous art scene of Manhattan to the humid teenage June of northeastern Ohio to a suburban, emergency-laden town in Massachusetts, these three novels feature forks in the road and irreversible decisions that fall like dominoes upon characters and their next chapters.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781643757421\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\" noreferrer noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"925\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-1.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-314557\" style=\"width:300px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-1.png 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-1-195x300.png 195w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIt was strange to see John in the studio, completely at a loss as to how to move his body, unsure of how to orient himself toward art.\u201d So begins <a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781643757421\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Good News<\/em> <\/a>by Alexa Yasemin Brahme, a novel centered on Maggie, a Turkish-American MFA student finalizing her evocative thesis painting of \u201cfeminine suffering\u201d while competing with her brother\u2019s girlfriend, who has given herself the moniker of \u201cthe Artist.\u201d Set in the contemporary New York art scene, the novel follows Maggie as she tries to orient herself within a branching future. Through gallery openings, social climbing parties, doubts about her boyfriend, and the return of an enigmatic ex, Maggie is forced to decide which life or alternate life she\u2019ll end up choosing. In this world, a vertical brushstroke can change the entire canvas, and one phone call can upend everything she\u2019s built. <em>Good News<\/em> invites it all, plus the chaos, pleasure, and temptation of being young\u2014that is, of creating worlds that leak out of our heads.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignright size-full is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780593978924\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\" noreferrer noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"900\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-2.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-314572\" style=\"width:300px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-2.png 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-2-200x300.png 200w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cGrowing up, I had two best friends\u2014Margaret, whom I had known my whole life, and Eleanor, with whom I was in love, though for years I had no reason to tell my feelings for one apart from my feelings for the other.\u201d In <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780593978924\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Girl\u2019s Girl<\/a><\/em> by Sonia Feldman\u2014set in that long summer between freshman and sophomore year of high school\u2014Mina is caught in a web of desire, both platonic and erotic. It is a novel about living in suburban Ohio and creating those \u201ccapital E Experiences\u201d that stay with you long after graduation. Reading it, I could almost smell the chlorine of untouched pools and that sticky perfume of bug spray sweating off skin at the end of the night. The messiness of the Midwest summer and unrequited love and dazzling adolescent confessions run rampant in this debut.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-full is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781250410122\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\" noreferrer noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"600\" height=\"912\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-4.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-314669\" style=\"width:300px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-4.png 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/image-4-197x300.png 197w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 600px) 100vw, 600px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBeckitt\u2019s emergency began on a calm spring morning: an expansive chill in the air; the sun soaring over rangy, adolescent clouds; miles of rolling green mowed into submission, flanked by grand columns of oak and maple, through which the wind shivered.\u201d When a ballistic missile alert threatens the town of Beckitt on a mundane morning, the town and its cast of characters are confronted with that most human decision: fight-or-flight. But when the second alert comes in, claiming that the first was a false alarm, the real decisions become clear. Where does one go from here? What did each person choose to save or leave behind? And how will these ramifications infiltrate the rest of their lives and those surrounding them? <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781250410122\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Seek Immediate Shelter<\/a> <\/em>by Vincent Yu explores the question of \u201cwhat if\u201d at its zenith. The novel follows five different characters and moves through each of their perspectives when the alert was sent, and then the aftermath, which for some may prove to be an even more daunting emergency than that initial missile threat.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Brahme, Feldman, and Yu corresponded with me on the significance of perspective in their novels, the spark that ignited and transformed their hypothetical questions into fiction, and the advice they would impart to anyone becoming a debut novelist.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Kyla D Walker: Did you know right away that the book would be from Maggie\u2019s third-person limited POV, or did you consider a first-person POV as well? What ultimately led you to choose third-person narration, and how did this change the novel&#8217;s approach?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Alexa Yasemin Brahme:<\/strong> First person is an intimidating point of view\u2014\u201cI\u201d can be very powerful. First person felt immediate, intimate, and had a sure-footedness that wasn\u2019t quite right for Maggie. The first person feels to me like certainty. We readers are getting the account straight from the source, and when that source is unreliable, like I think Maggie would be, the first person feels like a slight of hand a character is performing against the reader. What\u2019s presented as fact is actually distorted. I wanted there to be a little distance between the reader and Maggie so she couldn\u2019t hide from their gaze. Maggie can\u2019t present her take on the situation because the reader can see multiple sides at once. While Maggie can trick herself into believing one version of the story, she can\u2019t trick the reader.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">That said, when I was drafting and editing the book, if I got stuck in certain scenes wondering what Maggie would say or do, I would write them in first person to see if there was anything Maggie could reveal to me about herself. If it proved to be useful, I\u2019d take what I\u2019d written and massage it into a third-person version for the final draft.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignright\"><blockquote><p>First person is an intimidating point of view\u2014&#8217;I&#8217; can be very powerful.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: I love Maggie\u2019s thesis painting and all it represents, and I&#8217;m so curious about its conception. Did the painting\u2019s concept\u2014the image of multiple women in mundane settings yet extreme pain\u2014come before the novel, or did it arise through the novel&#8217;s writing and Maggie&#8217;s character?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>AYB: <\/strong>The painting was challenging for me to conceive of while I was writing the book. Turns out, not being a visual artist is a huge impairment to writing about visual art. When I started working on the novel, I had no idea what the painting would depict. I knew I wanted the subject of the work to be about women and their particular plight in this world. And it wasn\u2019t crucial, at least to me, that the painting be perfectly visible throughout the book. My main concerns were the feelings surrounding the art. At times, the painting feels bleak and depressing, and later in the book, Maggie realizes its greater meaning is deeper than just \u201cWomen Suffer.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Strangely, writing the painting felt like a process Maggie and I were constructing together. It feels like <em>we<\/em> figured it out, which makes <em>me <\/em>sound absolutely insane.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><br><strong>KDW:<\/strong> <strong>Which part of the writing process required much more time and energy than you initially expected? And which was your favorite part of the process?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>AYB:<\/strong> I couldn\u2019t anticipate how any part of the writing process was going to go, which was challenging, and unfortunately seems to be emerging as a pattern. Sometimes a scene would rush by while I was writing, and then there would be a month of agony when I didn\u2019t know what was going to happen next. It seemed there was nothing I could force that would speed up the agony. In these waiting periods, I\u2019d watch a lot of movies, go to museums, read books, listen to music, all in hopes that I might feel something new or think a new thought. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn\u2019t. The key was trying not to feel too depressed when it didn\u2019t work, and to just keep showing up until eventually something showed up on the page with me.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The most fun part of the process is when these horrible periods end because of a single thought that flashes in my mind and feels like it solves all my problems. Likely it solves one or two, but after suffering, anything feels like a rushing wave of relief. Then when things click into place after that rough patch and the writing is moving again, my memory is short enough to forget ever having suffered in the first place.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><br><strong>KDW: And finally, what advice would you now give to anyone currently working on a debut novel?&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>AYB:<\/strong> My advice to anyone working on anything creative is to try to stay connected to yourself. It is so tempting to share a scene with someone, an early sketch of something, and wait for them to tell you how good it is. But more often than not that experience isn\u2019t as rewarding as you think it\u2019s going to be. Maybe someone says it\u2019s amazing, and you don\u2019t believe them. Or worse, maybe you do believe them and it\u2019s, tragically, not yet amazing. Someone may not understand what you\u2019re doing, which isn\u2019t their fault but can be absolutely crushing. Someone may be jealous and dismissive, which can discourage you from continuing on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Whatever you\u2019re making, it\u2019s a delicate thing for a longer time than I ever realized. I was glad when I was writing my debut, that I protected it from outside forces until it (and I) had enough body and heft to withstand other people\u2019s reactions. People could say whatever they wanted about the work, and I had spent enough time with it, built a relationship with it, that I knew if their comments were brilliant critiques I had to incorporate, or well-meaning remarks that had no bearing on what the book would become. That way, I\u2019ll say most<em> <\/em>of the time, I didn\u2019t take things personally. I was in conversation with the work, other people were saying things, and sometimes those things were right, and sometimes they weren\u2019t. It didn\u2019t always have to be so painful.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: When was the moment you felt ready to begin writing <em>Girl\u2019s Girl<\/em>? And what was that initial spark\u2014maybe a specific sentence, scene, or character\u2019s voice\u2014that kicked off the writing of the novel?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignleft\"><blockquote><p>I had to ask myself: Would you prefer to write a bad book or to write no book?<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Sonia Feldman: <\/strong>I wrote poetry for years before I started writing fiction, and I entered this book the way I usually enter a poem\u2014with a sense of emotional atmosphere. I knew that the protagonist, Mina, was in a very particular, difficult to express mood. My poetry also almost always has weather, temperature, or a time of year. I think I need this kind of information in order to feel oriented. So I also knew from the very start that Mina\u2019s mood had to take place in the summer. It was a summer kind of feeling. From there, I began the long and slow process of asking why Mina felt that way and trying to turn her mood from something I could feel into something I could help someone else feel.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: Did you know right away that the book would be told in first person? Did you consider third person or a shifting POV to capture Eleanor and Margaret\u2019s interior monologues as well?&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>SF:<\/strong> I spent several years trying to write <em>Girl\u2019s Girl<\/em> in the third person and basically banging my head against the wall. I really wanted to write in the third person because I grew up loving 18th century British literature and Jane Austen, especially. Also, I was afraid to write in the first person. But I couldn\u2019t figure out who that third person voice telling the story was. She wasn\u2019t me, but she also wasn\u2019t a character defined by the book. I would try to describe Mina, Margaret, and Eleanor in an omniscient narrator\u2019s voice, and then immediately disagree with my own descriptions. Only once I let myself write as Mina did the perspective of the voice telling the story start to make sense. Because then the book no longer had to contain \u201ctrue\u201d descriptions of the characters. Instead, it merely had to offer Mina\u2019s opinions about herself and the people around her at a given moment in time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: What did research for <em>Girl\u2019s Girl<\/em> look like?&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>SF:<\/strong> Calling my best friends on the phone and asking them what they fought about with their moms when they were 15. Attending a county fair as an adult. Deep and sustained introspection. Reading girlhood and coming-of-age novels like <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781662602450\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Dogs of Summer<\/a> <\/em>by Andrea Abreu (translated by Julia Sanches), <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780811229036\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Sweet Days of Discipline<\/a> <\/em>by Fleur Jaeggy (translated by Tim Parks) and <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781250032447\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">How Should a Person Be? <\/a><\/em>by Sheila Heti. Reading novels that were tonally quite different from mine but had incredible first person retrospective narrators, like <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781400078776\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Never Let Me Go<\/a><\/em> by Kazuo Ishiguro, <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781250769763\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Housekeeping <\/a><\/em>by Marilynne Robinson, and <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780811226141\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">The Emigrants<\/a> <\/em>by WG Sebald. Rewatching <em>Sailor Moon. <\/em>Looking up the lifecycle of nodding thistle. Playing <em>The Sims<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: And finally, what advice would you give to anyone currently working on a debut novel?&nbsp;<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>SF:<\/strong> What comes to mind is a kind of crisis that I had during the writing experience. I was incredibly frustrated with the book and my own lack of progress. I\u2019d been trying to write it in the third person for years and had what felt like nothing to show for it. I had no story, no causality, just a bunch of information about people. I had a pile of pages that weren\u2019t in any way a book. This felt horrible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I suspected that I might be able to make progress if I tried writing in the first person instead. I really didn\u2019t want to do this. I was afraid of what I would produce if I did. I felt like if I wrote the book in the first person, then it wouldn\u2019t be the book I\u2019d been dreaming of because it wouldn\u2019t sound the way I\u2019d been dreaming it would sound. So in effect, I would be letting go of a dream of what the book could be.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Another way of saying this is that I felt like if I wrote the book in the first person\u2014I might be able to actually write it, but\u2014the book would be bad. And so I had to ask myself: Would you prefer to write a bad book or to write no book? Because those were my two options. I had to truly in my heart accept that I\u2019d rather write a bad book that embarrassed me than to write no book at all. I think if you can do that, you can finish your manuscript. And then you can try to make it better.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: The concept of <em>Seek Immediate Shelter<\/em> and the stories that unravel throughout feel like a thought experiment and a fictional philosophical journey through the different decisions and shocking paths one may take in times of crisis, touching upon the faults of human nature and the complicated expectations and nuanced responses individuals have against a collective\/conventional society. How did the idea of the false missile crisis come about, and what led you to follow an eclectic cast of characters rather than a single protagonist?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Vincent Yu: <\/strong><em>Seek Immediate Shelter<\/em> began as a question that would not go away: What would I do if I thought I might die at any moment? Writing fiction has always been a means of self-discovery as well as self-expression, and so my instinct, after continuing to be nagged by this hypothetical, was to explore it in a story. When I recalled the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.hawaiinewsnow.com\/2024\/01\/13\/false-missile-alert-rattled-hawaiis-nerves-6-years-ago\/\">2018 ballistic missile alert sent in error to Hawaii<\/a>, I realized that a fictionalized version of this event might create the ideal set of conditions under which to investigate the gut reaction of a flawed but believable human being.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It\u2019s really apt that you use the term \u201cthought experiment\u201d to describe this book\u2014that is precisely the mindset I had when I started writing! The book actually began as a short story with a single character, exploring his response to the alert and its rippling effects.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Robust experiments, however, often require multiple iterations and control groups in order to capture the full scope of investigation, to take into account the truly surprising results and novel conclusions. And so, after I finished that first story, I realized that I wanted to do more with the idea: I wanted to pressure test an entire battery of characters with an equivalent variety of behaviors. That was how the book really came into being.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: With so many varied occupations represented\u2014from violinists to PR executives\u2014what did the research process for this novel look like?<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignright\"><blockquote><p>Every form of discovery begins as a kind of disturbance.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>VY: <\/strong>The research involved in writing this book was fairly light, in large part because I was a competitive pianist and violinist growing up, and because my first career was in public relations! I wanted very much to write what I knew\u2014that way I could focus a bit more on creating empathetic and convincing psychologies for people who experienced things with which I was unfamiliar: parenthood, substance abuse, false missile alerts (!), and such.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The most research-heavy chapter was the sixth, in which I follow the character who worked at the Emergency Management Agency and actually sent out the false alert. This required investigation into the bureaucratic processes that are actually involved in sending out such notifications. It also gave me tremendous, terrifying insight into how fallible these kinds of systems are, and how quickly a single offhand decision can yield a runaway reaction.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There were also moments in which research popped up out of necessity. For example, when I needed to determine the best way to acquire a dead person\u2019s DNA for a paternity test, or to understand various bluegrass violin techniques, or to clarify the human pupil\u2019s reaction to opioid use, among others. Falling down these little rabbit holes and emerging with greater knowledge, however random it may be, is one of the greatest pleasures of writing fiction.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: Did you write <em>Seek Immediate Shelter<\/em> with an outline or a specific order for each character&#8217;s chapter in mind?<br><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>VY: <\/strong>Not really. The idea of a literary experiment really took hold of me from the very beginning, which led to a large amount of trial and error in my writing process. I let each character make his or her own decisions, and then tried to gauge as honestly as possible if their behaviors seemed believably human. There were a lot of false starts and many branching plot points that I pursued and ultimately pruned.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The whole process was a bit like mapping out a completely dark room. I started in the middle, without knowing the shape of the space I was in or its contours or objects. I had no choice, really, but to move and feel my way around. I bumped into many things, but I think every form of discovery begins as a kind of disturbance. After a while I began to feel more confident in my explorations.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The real light switch, however, was my editor, Caroline Bleeke. Her guidance and vision for the manuscript was completely illuminating. Once she and I started working together, I knew exactly how to order the stories and unite the characters into a cohesive whole.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n<aside class=\"related-content-block alignright no-title\">\n    \t\t\t\t\t<article class=\"post-box\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/9-books-about-living-in-parallel-realities\/\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-info\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2>9 Books About Living in Parallel Realities<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\t\t<!-- <p>Matthew Salesses, author of \"Disappear Doppelg\u00e4nger Disappear,\" recommends stories about multiple selves<\/p> -->\n<!-- temp without tags -->\n\t\t\t\t\t<p>Matthew Salesses, author of &#8220;Disappear Doppelg\u00e4nger Disappear,&#8221; recommends stories about multiple selves<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-lower\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\tAug 27\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t&#8211; <span>Matthew Salesses<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-image\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"post-box-category\">Reading Lists\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!-- blah -->\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"640\" height=\"513\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-768x615.jpg\" class=\"attachment-medium_large size-medium_large wp-post-image\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-768x615.jpg 768w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-300x240.jpg 300w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-1024x819.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-1536x1229.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-600x480.jpg 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/08\/serrah-galos-H6xxqTIHOTM-unsplash-1-e1597256172859.jpg 1250w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" \/>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/article>\n\n\t<\/aside>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>KDW: How did the backdrop of Beckitt help sculpt the story or shift the style of prose, if at all? And is the town\u2019s name a direct allusion to a certain canonical existentialist absurdist writer?&nbsp;<br><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>VY: <\/strong>Ha! There was a little bit of intentionality in my choice of the town name, but certainly not enough to put the work in any meaningful dialogue with that of Beckett\u2019s. All I really wanted was to invoke a sense of strangeness even in the everyday. Beckitt was actually based on my own hometown of Longmeadow, which is also located in the Pioneer Valley of Western Massachusetts.<\/p>\n\n\n<aside class=\"related-content-block alignright no-title\">\n    <\/aside>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">After I decided to tell the story through multiple characters, I realized that setting the entire thing in a single community would allow me to believably intertwine their lives and to explore the particular drama that occurs in small, tight-knit communities.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Many people (including some of the characters in the book) assume that towns like Beckitt are perennially quiet and unchanging. One of my goals in sending a false missile alert to its residents was to create enough of an emotional disturbance to reveal the richness of all the lives within it, the vast interiorities of every single resident, living and dead.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>For the spring edition of our debut craft series, three debut authors\u2014Alexa Yasemin Brahme, Sonia Feldman, and Vincent Yu\u2014discuss in detail their journeys through writing about imaginary lives. One may argue that all fiction is rooted in imaginary lives, but these novels especially feel centered around the stakes of these imaginary lives as the protagonists [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7109,"featured_media":314696,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[350,5567],"tags":[6559,6176,6295,264],"class_list":["post-314556","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-conversations","category-interviews","tag-alternative-realities","tag-craft","tag-self-discovery-2","tag-writing-tips"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>3 Debut Authors Discuss How 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a Better Version of Myself in These Woods"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\">&#8220;Darkness Like a Seam&#8221; by Rebecca Turkewitz<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I was a child, my grandparents lived in a squat scab-colored house that sat in a clearing carved into the New Hampshire woods. Everything inside their house was a shade of beige or muted brown, the carpets were too thick, and there was a musty smell I associated with basements and garages. In the living room, there was an end table wedged between the couch and the wall that was unusually deep. The table held only a lamp and a set of coasters that were never used. Underneath it was empty space\u2014and because of the way the light fell in the room, there was a spot way in the back, against the wall, so thoroughly wrapped in shadow that it was like it did not exist. It was a remarkable hiding spot for a child, in plain view and yet functionally invisible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I hated my grandparents\u2019 dim, claustrophobic house, stranded in that enormous sea of oaks and pines and creeping ferns. My mother and I lived in an apartment\u2014or rather a series of different apartments\u2014in a small city an hour away, and I was not used to the sounds of the woods. I\u2019d assumed it would be quiet after dark, but all night, skunks and deer trundled through the undergrowth. Crickets shrilled and whined. Screech owls called and called. The trees seemed to sway more; I could hear shimmying leaves and the unsettling creak of oak branches straining against their own stiffness. From the twin bed where I usually slept, in what had once been my uncle\u2019s room, I huddled under the covers as the forest pressed in around me with its damp, huffing breath, its curious, digging claws.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was a timid child, afraid of the first day of school, afraid of being left alone, afraid of my mother\u2019s new boyfriends, afraid of swim lessons, afraid of the cafeteria when my best friend was absent, afraid of our apartments\u2019 laundry rooms, and the empty corridor on the way to the bathroom at school. I was afraid of my mother\u2019s episodes\u2014the times when her eyes darted around, and her legs moved frantically, and she told me every single strange idea that tumbled into her mind. I was afraid when she wasn&#8217;t having an episode too, because I knew another one would come. I was prone to stomachaches and insomnia and periods of time when I could not force food down my throat.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My point is: I did not have an easy or predictable childhood. Still, perhaps a bolder person, one who was not so terrified of change or outmatched by the daily trials of living, would have fared better. But I was who I was, and so going to stay with my grandparents the summer I turned ten was not just a setback. It was a crisis.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I wasn\u2019t told why I was going. \u201cI\u2019m doing this for you,\u201d my mother said by way of explanation. I learned, many years later, that she\u2019d been having recurring visions of harming me, and her doctor had recommended we spend some time apart to give her fraying mind a break. Her hands shook on the steering wheel for the entire drive to my grandparents&#8217;. Her hair\u2014long and thick and bronze-colored\u2014was dull and unwashed. When it was time for her to leave, she sobbed and gripped the fabric of my T-shirt. She took a lock of my hair in her fist and smelled it.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cEnough,\u201d my grandmother said firmly, and then walked Mom back to the car.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My mother blew me a kiss from the driver\u2019s seat, and then said, \u201cYou are my whole world,\u201d before she backed out of the driveway and was gone.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My grandparents were stoics. They talked mostly about the weather and food and the goings-on about town and the layoffs that seemed perpetually imminent at the lumberyard my grandfather managed. They cared for me in their way\u2014cooking foods I liked, taking me to town every Saturday morning for pancakes and hot chocolate and a trip to the library, keeping the house clean and orderly. But they did not talk to me the way my mom did: frankly and openly, as if I was a friend and an equal. Children, my grandparents seemed to think, should mostly talk to other children. But there were no other children, and so I did not talk much, except when my worry grew frantic and knocked around my insides before spilling out in an avalanche of questions. When could I talk to my mom again? When was I going home? Was my mom sick? Had my mom stopped taking her medication? Who was looking after her? Was the phone in my grandparents\u2019 kitchen plugged in? Were they sure, sure, sure, <em>sure<\/em> the phone was plugged in? When was the last time they\u2019d checked?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I became fixated on the fact that I did not know\u2014and couldn\u2019t know until the next time I heard her voice\u2014whether my mother was alive or dead. I would lie awake at night, listening to the slithering and creeping and shaking of those black woods, trying to figure out how to exist in two realities: one in which my mother was alive, and one in which she was dead. When this thought took root, the only things that could break its hold were sleep or the long, muffled whistle of the train, which sliced through the woods every few hours. The train was a reminder that, stranded as I was in that low-ceilinged house of silence, the wider world still existed. The train would soon be racing by the diner with its tired waitresses, who were always complimenting my curls or my dark eyes and teasing me about the way I savored my hot chocolate like an old woman with her tea. People walking their dogs or stopping by the pharmacy would soon be pausing to listen to the jangling of the train-crossing bells, and little boys would be waving and tugging on their mothers\u2019 hands. And then, after it passed through town, the train would continue along the seam of the track like a zipper, bringing the fragments of the world together. For the world had indeed fallen to pieces. For I was as alone and misunderstood as anyone had ever been. For I had lived my whole life in the high beams of my mother\u2019s intense but flighty attention, and now I lived entirely in shadow. For I had been my mother\u2019s anchor\u2014I had always tried to keep her safe, and now she was adrift.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">And so it was that late one afternoon several weeks into my stay, while my grandmother slept in front of the TV, I packed a small bag, took the big flashlight hanging by the basement steps from its hook, and opened the heavy back door, which was always bolted shut and rarely used. I\u2019d heard a story about my mother running away into the forest as a girl, screaming that she was going to live in a cave as a hermit. It was short-lived\u2014her rumbling stomach brought her sheepishly back\u2014but I wanted to imitate her. I looked through the screen door into the endless line of trees and lost my nerve. I couldn\u2019t imagine entering those woods, the object of my nighttime terror. So, I retreated quietly to the living room and crawled into the empty space under the end table. I was surprised to find that it was cool back there. I tried not to shift too much; from time to time I stretched out my legs and then curled them up again. I was small for 10, and even with my backpack and the flashlight, I didn&#8217;t really feel cramped. I could hear my grandmother&#8217;s labored breathing over the low drawl of voices from the television as she slumbered in her recliner on the other side of the room. I rested my head against the side of the couch and waited.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It was not my grandmother who realized I was missing. I heard her wake and go to the kitchen to begin dinner. When my grandfather arrived home and went to get me from my uncle\u2019s old room, he came back puzzled but not alarmed. My grandmother couldn\u2019t remember the last time she\u2019d seen me. The discovery of the open door to the yard and the missing flashlight triggered the first wave of panic.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cDon\u2019t worry,\u201d my grandfather said, though of the two of them, he was the worrier. \u201cShe hates those woods. She won\u2019t have gone far.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cShe\u2019s not like her mother. What if she can\u2019t find her way back?\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">They went to the yard and shouted my name. <em>Maribel. Maribel. Maribeeeeeel. <\/em>Their voices grew faint as they moved further into the trees.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I don&#8217;t know how far in they went. Perhaps as far in as the train tracks. Maybe even further.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">After some time, I registered the strain of the spring and then the crack of the screen door hitting the jamb, then light footsteps moving through that carpeted house. Every so often, I heard the swish of a closet door opening or a heavy piece of furniture being wiggled out of place. Occasionally my grandmother said my name, but very softly, as if she was afraid of what she might find if I answered. I slowed my breathing as she searched the living room. I watched her, in full view of me, move to the fireplace, open its glass doors, and look into the flue, as if I might have scrambled up there, like a horrible, sooty goblin. I watched her shudder a little as she rose unsteadily to her feet. The arm of her yellow cardigan had a black smudge on it. She fished a Kleenex out of her sleeve, where she always kept one, and wiped her nose. I did not feel that I knew my grandmother well, but this intimate gesture, so recognizably hers, filled me with remorse. Then she muttered in frustration\u2014\u201cThat child!\u201d\u2014and went to the kitchen.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignright\"><blockquote><p>Occasionally my grandmother said my name, but very softly, as if she was afraid of what she might find if I answered.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When my grandfather returned, I could tell it was growing dark outside from the way the light in the room had changed. As he walked past, I leaned forward to look. His pants were caked with mud.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cLynne?\u201d he called. \u201cAny luck?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou didn\u2019t find her,\u201d my grandmother said.&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the kitchen, my grandparents conferred anxiously. When should they call my mom? Should they call the police? What if they waited, just a little longer, to see if I would return on my own? Eventually, I heard the clatter of plates being pulled down, the scrape of chairs, then forks and spoons against porcelain. They were eating their dinner. Something that smelled of wilted onions and beef. Something that made their chewing wet and spongy. They didn\u2019t speak at all as they ate.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I\u2019d felt mostly a vacillating sense of panic and guilt as they\u2019d hunted for me, but I began to resent them as they filled their hungry bellies while I, for all they knew, was treed by a frothing coyote or lying at the bottom of a gulch. But the longer I waited, the sillier the stunt became. The problem was that it was already too late to reveal myself. I wouldn&#8217;t be able to pass off my hiding as a prank or a joke or a whim. They\u2019d been searching at least an hour. The floor plan of their house was relatively open\u2014the living room had two doorways and no doors. There was no way to clamber out on my stiff limbs and slip outside, no way to pretend I was returning from the woods. I was too old\u2014far too old\u2014to cause this kind of stir over nothing. And I was already not held very highly in their esteem.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">An hour or so later, they called the police, and all hope of salvaging the situation evaporated. I\u2019d have to wait until after the search, until after my grandparents fell asleep. I wondered if what I was doing was now a crime. Wasting the officers\u2019 time, faking a kidnapping, causing a false alarm. I was despicable. I was an unwanted child, revealing to everyone why I was unwanted. My stomach was cramping with hunger and shame, but I was paralyzed. I could not bring myself to emerge.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The police came, with their loud footsteps on the kitchen tiles and the hollow sound of voices through their walkie-talkies. They asked some routine questions, and then they traipsed through the heavy door\u2014there were two of them\u2014to see what they might find in the backyard. I could hear through the open windows that the woods were waking up: the rhythmic and staccato hissing of grass-dwelling insects that sounded like sprinklers on a soccer field, the chittering cries of bats, the thunk of moths and beetles against the window screens.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My grandparents were talking so low in the kitchen, I could scarcely hear them, but when they said my mother\u2019s name, I strained to listen. \u201cRose cannot handle this,\u201d my grandmother said forcefully. \u201cIt would undo everything. We&#8217;ll call her when we find Maribel.\u201d Then: \u201cHard to imagine that girl is actually turning out to be more trouble than her mother.\u201d She laughed, and it was the most joyless laugh I\u2019d ever heard.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When the police returned, they were radioing into the station. They had not found me. My whole body felt hot, and I wondered, with a flash of hope, if I was actually ill, if my motivations could be blamed on an intense and disorienting fever. <em>Do it<\/em>. I told myself. <em>Get up and get out.<\/em>&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But before I could crawl forward\u2014though I would have, I\u2019m sure of it\u2014there was the sound of tires on my grandparents\u2019 gravel driveway, then a car door slamming. The kitchen door was yanked open, and then I heard a voice, a voice that sounded very much like my own voice, saying, through tears, \u201cI\u2019m here! I\u2019m so sorry! Grandpa, I\u2019m back!\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The kitchen chairs scraped as my grandparents stood up in a chorus of concern. \u201cYour arm!\u201d my grandfather said. \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A muffled voice, perhaps from being pushed against my grandfather\u2019s chest or my grandmother\u2019s cardigan, said, \u201cI got lost! I got so lost, and it was so dark. And there was a monster, a monster that looked like a pig with no eyes, but he had teeth like a wolf! And it was cold, even though I know it\u2019s not cold out. And there were no stars!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">A man\u2019s soft voice\u2014not one of the policemen\u2014said, \u201cI found her at the railroad crossing, just standing there, underneath a streetlight, sobbing. She told me your address and I brought her back. I live over on Wildwood. I didn\u2019t know what else to do. Her arm is hurt pretty bad.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThank you,\u201d my grandmother said. \u201cThank you so much for bringing her back.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The police took the man outside, and their voices became low rumbles.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cMaribel,\u201d my grandmother said sharply. \u201cWhat were you thinking?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cLeave her be,\u201d my grandfather said. \u201cWe\u2019re just happy you\u2019re home, little one.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The child that they were calling by my name, who sounded just like me when I cried, whose voice was my voice, began to cry harder then.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cLet me see your arm,\u201d my grandmother said. \u201cDear lord! Robert, look at this gash.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI fell,\u201d the girl in the kitchen said. \u201cI fell when I was running away from the monster, but I got up and I just kept running. And I made it to the road!\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cGood girl,\u201d my grandfather said, with more feeling than I would have expected.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI dropped the flashlight. I think I broke it. I had to leave it there\u2014I\u2019m sorry!\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Under the table, I groped behind me until my hand closed on the base of the flashlight. I resisted the urge to test if it would still turn on.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cDon\u2019t you worry about that one bit. How\u2019d you find your way to the road?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThe train whistle,\u201d the girl said with pride. \u201cI hid until I heard it and then I knew which way to run. It led me out of the bad place, back to where it was warm and there were stars again, and the pig monster couldn\u2019t follow. He\u2019s stuck in the cold place.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThere\u2019s no monster,\u201d my grandmother said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At almost exactly the same time, my grandfather said, \u201cThat\u2019s right. He can\u2019t get you anymore.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">While I was listening to the bizarre scene in the kitchen, I\u2019d stopped flexing my toes and straightening my legs, and I realized I couldn\u2019t feel them at all. I shifted tentatively and it felt like someone had wound a hot wire around my left calf and was tightening it slowly. It was unbearable. My legs shot out, knocking against the table. I heard the lamp above me rocking slightly. The voices in the kitchen hushed.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWhat\u2019s that?\u201d the girl whimpered.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cNothing. Not a thing,\u201d my grandfather said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Someone turned on the sink and then there was a hiss of pain.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThis\u2019ll need stitches,\u201d my grandmother said. \u201cNo way around it.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI\u2019m sorry, honey,\u201d my grandfather said. \u201cYou must be tired. But we have to take you to the doctor. You can rest in the car.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIs my mother coming?\u201d the girl asked.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There was a long pause.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWe\u2019ll call her in the morning. It\u2019s very late.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The girl began to cry again, and the three of them left through the front door. There was more low talking. Then a series of car doors opening and closing. Tires crawling backwards along the driveway. Then just the night.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I scrambled out onto the living room rug. When I tried to stand, I crashed back down to my knees. My back ached as I tried to unfurl my spine. I gave up and stretched out, lying on my side, until the screaming in my calves and neck dulled. Eventually, I walked, shakily, like a newborn colt, to the door, which was still standing open, and shut it hard. I turned around to face the kitchen. A bloodied hand towel was scrunched on the table. Two bowls were soaking in the sink. The stew pot was still on the stove, and I grabbed a spoon and shoveled several large bites into my mouth, struggling to swallow. I drank frantically from the running faucet. I barely made it to the bathroom to relieve my aching bladder. When I returned to the kitchen, I noticed that the floor was a mess of muddy footprints. The room smelled feral, like sweat and body odor and the ground after it rains.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I checked the clock, which my grandmother kept five minutes fast. It was only 11 PM. I\u2019d been sure it was the early hours of the morning. I did several quick laps around the first floor to get the blood flowing in my legs. I had never been alone in the house before, and it felt almost as unnerving as the evening\u2019s preceding events. I was in shock, I think. I couldn\u2019t process what had happened enough to ask the relevant questions. Who was that imposter? Why had my grandparents not been able to discern that she was not me? How did she and I sound so similar? And the monster? Where was the cold place she spoke of?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">If nothing else convinces me that this experience was real\u2014not just a trick of my memory or a fanciful story I invented and then wove into the tapestry of my childhood\u2014it is the period of time that I remained alone in the house that night. I recall those hours with complete clarity, as I tried to sort through what had happened and tried to guess about what might happen next. What would I do when my grandparents and the shapeshifter returned? What if they did not return? What if my grandparents were just then being chewed by the imposter\u2019s suddenly razor-sharp teeth?&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In the kitchen, I steeled myself. Then I picked up the phone. She answered after only two rings, sleep rounding the syllables of her \u201chello.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>I need to come home<\/em>, I thought, but did not say.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cHello?\u201d my mom repeated.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I listened to her breathing, to the swish of the phone\u2019s mouthpiece brushing against her cheek as she hoisted herself up in bed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cMaribel?\u201d she asked, and something about the searching tone of her voice filled me with doubt. How could I answer, when the imposter would have said yes too, probably with equal or greater confidence? I thrust the phone receiver back into its place on the wall.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cIt\u2019s Maribel,\u201d I said into the empty kitchen. \u201cI\u2019m Maribel.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I retrieved my bag and the flashlight from beneath the end table and went upstairs. I climbed into my uncle\u2019s bed, alone with my uncertainty and my cowardice. I didn&#8217;t sleep. Eventually, the car\u2019s headlights shone on the wall beside my bed. I grabbed the flashlight and quickly slipped into the closet, closing the door firmly.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There was a longer wait than I expected, and I flicked the flashlight on against the closet&#8217;s suffocating blackness. Eventually, my grandfather brought the girl to bed and asked if she wanted him to sit with her. To my surprise, the girl declined. It was the first time she\u2019d acted differently than I would have. Then she asked him to leave the light on, which he readily agreed to. \u201cI\u2019m proud of you,\u201d he said. \u201cOur brave girl. You\u2019re more like your mother than it sometimes seems.\u201d From my grandmother, that would\u2019ve been a barbed remark, but my grandfather meant it, I think, only with love. He slipped into the hallway. My grandmother was elsewhere, perhaps already in bed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I waited several minutes. I turned off the flashlight, bumping against the rough fabric of my uncle\u2019s old clothes. Then I pushed the door open.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The girl sat up in bed, bunching the covers around her. I could tell she wanted to scream, but all that escaped her mouth was a wet gasp. Her hair was damp and she was in fresh pajamas. So, she\u2019d showered before bed. That accounted for the long wait. Her face was exactly my face, except for the beginnings of a bruise spreading across her chin and a faint scrape on her forehead. Her eyes were the same deep brown as my eyes, her hair the same shade as mine and my mother\u2019s. Her curls were just beginning to spring back as they dried. She had the same short, upturned nose that I\u2019d always wished was longer and more elegant. The same two-tone birthmark rested on her collarbone.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The girl\u2019s terror was so earnest and intense, it diminished my own. \u201cWho are you?\u201d I demanded.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignleft\"><blockquote><p>The girl\u2019s terror was so earnest and intense, it diminished my own.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Her eyes filled with tears. \u201cDid the pig monster make you?\u201d she asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI\u2019m real,\u201d I said. \u201cI\u2019m the real Maribel.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou came from the closet,\u201d my doppelganger said\u2014and it wasn\u2019t terrible logic. She had been tucked sweetly in bed, and I had slunk out of a monster\u2019s lair.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cYou came from the woods,\u201d I said back. I took a step forward and she whimpered, pushing herself toward the wall. I put my hands up and took a showy step away from her.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">She got out of bed, watching me. \u201cI\u2019ll scream,\u201d she said.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWho <em>are <\/em>you?\u201d I asked again. \u201cYou don\u2019t belong here.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThis is my uncle\u2019s room,\u201d the girl said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI know that,\u201d I snapped. It was <em>my <\/em>uncle\u2019s room.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">We faced each other without speaking. What was there to say? The wind gusted and we both glanced nervously at the window. We looked back at one another. I took a step towards her. A sharp pain flared in my arm.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">There was a moment then, when I was looking, suddenly, at myself\u2014my real self, standing there in my rumpled clothes from the day before, my hair matted and dry, my eyes swollen and tired, my chin unbruised. Then I was looking back at the imposter, in her soft pajamas, a hospital bracelet still on her wrist. And then I was looking back at myself, the closet door open behind me. Then I felt very dizzy. I reached out my hand, trying to find the edge of the bed, but felt only open air because I\u2019d reached with the wrong hand. The bed was now on my left instead of my right. I sat down hard on my knees and shut my eyes against a wave of nausea.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I opened my eyes again, my jaw was throbbing and my arm hurt. I pulled up my sleeve to find a bandage. On my forehead, my fingers brushed the thin layer of Vaseline my grandfather must have smeared on my imposter\u2019s scrape. When I rose again, I felt my pajama bottoms brush against tender spots on both my knees.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I was alone in the room.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I did a quick accounting. I remembered it all: my time under the end table, my grandparents&#8217; search, the policemen, the imposter. My experiences from that night were my own\u2014and yet there was the inarguable fact of my damp hair, my various wounds, the hospital bracelet hugging my wrist. I climbed into bed.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">It took a long time for me to fall asleep, but eventually I did. I woke to my grandfather\u2019s hand pressed against my forehead.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cNo fever,\u201d he said, noticing I was awake. \u201cYou slept for a long time.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cWhat time is it?\u201d I asked. &#8220;Don\u2019t you have work?&#8221;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He waved his hand dismissively. I felt a surge of pleasure in the understanding that he&#8217;d altered his routine for me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He took me down to the kitchen. Even though it was almost 1 PM, he poured me cereal and a glass of orange juice. He microwaved his coffee mug and sat down at the table across from me.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cDo I look different?\u201d I asked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He smiled and pretended to study my face very hard. \u201cYou\u2019re no worse for wear, sweet one. Just a bit of bruising.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My grandmother stepped in from the garden then, and eyed me for so long that I began to wonder if she suspected something. But then she said, simply, \u201cSo you\u2019ve had your adventure. I hope you learned your lesson about running off like that.\u201d&nbsp;&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cAh, Lynne. She knows.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cI won\u2019t run away,\u201d I said, swallowing the &#8220;again&#8221; before it could slip out. \u201cI promise.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cGood girl,\u201d my grandfather said.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">But I was not the girl he thought I was. The sudden light of his attention had been earned by my imposter. The girl had fooled them both.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My grandmother sat down. \u201cWe called your mother,\u201d she said. \u201cShe\u2019ll come pick you up by the end of the week.\u201d&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cThis isn\u2019t a punishment,\u201d my grandfather said quickly. \u201cWe\u2019ll miss you.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">My grandmother threw an annoyed glance at my grandfather, but the truth is, I didn\u2019t much care if she was trying to get rid of the difficult child that I, or my imposter, had become. I was focused on the dam of relief that had opened in my chest.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Later that afternoon, I searched the floor of my uncle\u2019s closet, where I\u2019d left the flashlight. I wasn\u2019t sure if it would still be there, and couldn&#8217;t tell if I was relieved when I found it. I waited until the next morning, when my grandfather was at work and my grandmother was in the shower. I slipped outside and slunk to the property line. I gazed into the trees, then hurled the flashlight, as far as I could, into the woods.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I don&#8217;t have my doppelganger\u2019s memories from that night, as hard as I&#8217;ve tried to tap into them, save for one. It&#8217;s a brief moment: my feet on hard pavement, standing in a streetlamp\u2019s cone of light. I remember what it felt like to let the light wash over me like water. I remember thinking it was a miracle I&#8217;d found it, reached the safety of its glow.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">For years, well into adulthood, when I felt afraid or despondent or unable to face a challenge\u2014a classmate\u2019s cruel remark, visiting my mother in the hospital, enduring her long depressions or frantic episodes, my first day at a new job, returning to my grandparents\u2019 house for Christmas\u2014I thought of what it felt like to stand in the yellow wash of light, the warm pavement firm under my feet, the woods receding behind me. I still find comfort and confidence in that triumph, a triumph that is not my own, my bravery radiating from a stolen moment.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">I have never told anyone, not even my mother, about this incident. I do not like to dwell on it. But, sometimes, late on summer nights, when the cicadas are throwing out their circular songs or the wind gusts or I wake from vivid dreams of a giant beast moving through the undergrowth, I remember the way that girl, my double, looked at me, with her bruised eyes and deep mistrust. Where did she go? I do not think she is in me. I do not think that we merged together, a blip on a fractured timeline that repaired itself. Nor do I think that she is a repressed memory, a nightmare that I absorbed. I\u2019ve always known we are separate beings.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">So, perhaps, she is still out there, a version of me who was just as selfish but much braver, who acted with conviction at great personal risk, then fought her way home\u2014all while my legs fell asleep under a side table. What happens if she finds her way back into the light? What if one day she returns to claim this life she fought so hard to keep? What if this life is, by all rights, more hers than mine?&nbsp;<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>&#8220;Darkness Like a Seam&#8221; by Rebecca Turkewitz When I was a child, my grandparents lived in a squat scab-colored house that sat in a clearing carved into the New Hampshire woods. Everything inside their house was a shade of beige or muted brown, the carpets were too thick, and there was a musty smell I [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1546,"featured_media":314610,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[5557,63],"tags":[356,178,128,593,5577,94],"class_list":["post-314582","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-lit-mags","category-recommended-reading","tag-childhood","tag-family","tag-horror","tag-illness","tag-recommended-reading","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ 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Sidhu"},"sameAs":["preety@electricliterature.com"],"url":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/author\/preety\/"}]}},"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p4FNqI-1jPU","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/fredrik-solli-wandem-d-b7tBqF_dg-unsplash-scaled.jpg","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/314582","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1546"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=314582"}],"version-history":[{"count":7,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/314582\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":314837,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/314582\/revisions\/314837"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/314610"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=314582"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=314582"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=314582"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}},{"id":314220,"date":"2026-08-07T07:05:00","date_gmt":"2026-08-07T11:05:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/?p=314220"},"modified":"2026-07-29T14:07:18","modified_gmt":"2026-07-29T18:07:18","slug":"7-memoirs-about-discovering-close-relatives-late-in-life","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/7-memoirs-about-discovering-close-relatives-late-in-life\/","title":{"rendered":"7 Memoirs About Discovering Close Relatives Late in Life"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">When I was an infant, my mother abandoned our family and disappeared without a trace. Throughout my childhood and young adulthood, I heard the same questions again and again: What happened to your mother? Did she die? How can a mother leave her children? I had no answers and no frame of reference. I knew of no books about children abandoned by their mothers, and, though I knew it couldn\u2019t be true, I imagined I was the only one to have experienced that particular pain. When we can\u2019t find narratives that mirror our lives and show us a way forward, there can be a sense of isolation, even shame\u2014a belief that our stories are unworthy. And then came <a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780738217734\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Motherless Daughters<\/em><\/a> by Hope Edelman. It isn\u2019t a perfect match to my story\u2014the book is about grief after the death of a mother\u2014but it made me feel less isolated and gave me the vocabulary for expressing loss and longing.<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"alignleft size-large is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781942004967\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\" noreferrer noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"658\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7-658x1024.png\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-314221\" style=\"width:300px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7-658x1024.png 658w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7-193x300.png 193w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7-768x1195.png 768w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7-987x1536.png 987w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7-600x934.png 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/image-7.png 1285w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 658px) 100vw, 658px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Years later, my unstable idea of family was shaken again when I learned both that I had six half-siblings born to the mother I didn\u2019t know, and that the man who\u2019d raised me wasn\u2019t my father. In shock, I again looked for books to help me navigate this strange new reality and found none until Dani Shapiro published<a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780525434030\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"> <em>Inheritance<\/em><\/a> and brought the phenomenon of misattributed parentage out of the shadows<em>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In total, these revelations brought 10 new close relatives into my life. And when, once again, I couldn\u2019t find stories that captured the breadth and intensity of discovering unknown parents and siblings, I sought them out. I curated and edited <a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781942004967\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Relative Strangers<\/em><\/a>, an anthology of literary essays by adoptees and NPEs (not parent expected). Today, millions are discovering unknown siblings or unexpected parents through DNA testing and the eroding anonymity around adoption. Like me, I suspect they\u2019ll be looking to see their experiences validated in print.\u00a0<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The seven memoirs gathered here also do that, taking readers deep into the mind-bending and sometimes shattering experience of discovering close family late in life. It can upend lives, disrupt&nbsp;identity, and fracture relationships. Sometimes, too, it enlarges our lives in ways we could never have imagined and leads to a new and expansive understanding of kinship.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9780525434030\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780525434030\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>Inheritance<\/em><\/a> by Dani Shapiro<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Memoirist and novelist Dani Shapiro always knew who she was: the daughter of Paul Shapiro and a member of an Orthodox Jewish clan with deep roots. Yet her writing often circles a notion that there is something hidden in her history. In her 2013 memoir <em>Still Writing<\/em>, she wrote, \u201cSecrets floated through our home like dust motes in the air. Every word spoken by my parents contained within it a hidden hard kernel of what wasn\u2019t being said.\u201d In 2016, after a DNA test her husband suggested they take \u201cjust for fun\u201d revealed she was only half Jewish, she discovered she <em>was<\/em> the secret\u2014that her beloved father wasn\u2019t, in fact, her father, that her parents had relied on assistive reproductive technology, and she was the daughter of an anonymous donor. In this beautifully written memoir, Shapiro suggests that secrets and knowledge live within our unconscious, in our bodies, and that learning our truth validates the disquieting voices within us.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9781948226370\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781948226370\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>All You Can Ever Know<\/em><\/a> by Nicole Chung<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Like many adoptees, Nicole Chung clung to the twin myths of adoption\u2014that she\u2019d been chosen, and that she\u2019d been given up so she might have a better life than her Korean parents could offer. But in her small Oregon town, her loving parents were blind to the difficulties of being a transracial adoptee in an overwhelmingly white culture.&nbsp;Later, becoming pregnant amplified a desire to search for her birthparents and piece together a more complete origin story than the one she\u2019d grown up believing. A \u201csearch angel\u201d led her to a sister, Cindy, one of two sisters who believed Nicole had died at birth. As their relationship developed and Cindy shared details about their biological parents, Chung was forced to reckon with the fantasy version of adoption she\u2019d grown up with, grapple with her identity, and come to terms with what it means to be a Korean American.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9780814258835\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780814258835\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\"><em>I Would Meet You Anywhere<\/em><\/a> by Susan Kiyo Ito<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Susan Kiyo Ito\u2019s narrative makes palpable the longing that drives the quest to find a birthmother, the elation at first contact, and the challenges of trying to forge a relationship with someone who reels her in and then keeps her at a distance. She must balance the desire for acceptance and the initial willingness to do whatever, whenever with the growing frustration of having to make concessions in order to maintain a relationship. Like Nicole Chung, Ito recounts the isolating experience of growing up a person of color in primarily white communities. A biracial Japanese and white American domestic adoptee, she also explores her family\u2019s link to the nation\u2019s dark legacy of Japanese American internment camps. Her journey illustrates the challenges and consequences of adoption, along with the pain of separation, the desire to belong, and the fragility of connection.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9781635574760\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781635574760\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Long Live the Tribe of Fatherless Girls<\/a><\/em> by T Kira Madden<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">T Kira Madden\u2019s memoir is a funny, fierce, and heartbreaking story of coming of age as a queer, biracial, glorious misfit in a complex family in Boca Raton, Florida. It\u2019s impossible to pin down a theme because the book is\u2014in the best of all possible ways\u2014all over the place. It\u2019s about addiction, acceptance, rejection, desire, privilege, trauma, violence, identity, and the families we\u2019re born into and the families we choose. Her voice as a memoirist renders the narrator as indelible as the most memorable of fictional characters, and while her girlhood may not be remotely typical, it is universal in ways that will resonate with all readers. Like the narrators of each of these seven memoirs, Madden finds unexpected close family, in her case when a DNA test unspools her mother\u2019s secrets. The revelation is the coda to her memoir, suggesting that families are like glaciers, with much remaining invisible and inaccessible deep below the surface.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9781250871114\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781250871114\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Never Simple<\/a><\/em> by Liz Scheier<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In trying to unravel her true origin story from the dense web her mother\u2014an unreliable narrator\u2014had woven, Liz Scheier untangles knot after knot after knot. Imagine learning, at age 18, that the dead father you\u2019d grown up believing was yours, was entirely made up. This memoir is not only the story of the author\u2019s attempt to discover her father\u2019s true identity, but also a deeply compelling narrative of her tumultuous life with an erratic, dissembling, self-destructive, and manipulative mother who could be loving one minute and horrifying the next. Her lies, unpredictability, and inexplicable behavior leave Scheier to wrestle with the limits both of mother-daughter loyalty and the extent to which it may be possible to save someone who cannot save herself. At the same time, this is&nbsp;a story of the ways that love endures what seems unendurable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9780593240274\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780593240274\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Why Didn\u2019t You Tell Me?<\/a><\/em> by Carmen Rita Wong<\/h4>\n\n\n<aside class=\"related-content-block alignright no-title\">\n    \t\t\t\t\t<article class=\"post-box\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/7-memoirs-about-untangling-family-history-secrets\/\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-info\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2>7 Memoirs About Unraveling Family Secrets<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\t\t<!-- <p>J. Nicole Jones, author of \"Low Country,\" recommends books about the search for hidden skeletons in the family tree<\/p> -->\n<!-- temp without tags -->\n\t\t\t\t\t<p>J. Nicole Jones, author of &#8220;Low Country,&#8221; recommends books about the search for hidden skeletons in the family tree<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-lower\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\tApr 9\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t&#8211; <span>J. Nicole Jones<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-image\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"post-box-category\">Reading Lists\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!-- blah -->\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"640\" height=\"389\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM-768x467.png\" class=\"attachment-medium_large size-medium_large wp-post-image\" alt=\"Still from Knives Out\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM-768x467.png 768w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM-300x182.png 300w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM-1024x623.png 1024w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM-1536x934.png 1536w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM-600x365.png 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2021\/04\/Screen-Shot-2021-04-05-at-2.15.25-PM.png 1582w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" \/>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/article>\n\n\t<\/aside>\n\n\n<aside class=\"related-content-block alignright no-title\">\n    <\/aside>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Carmen Rita Wong grew up between her Dominican mother in Harlem and Chinese father in Chinatown\u2014their marriage being a financial arrangement to secure her mother&#8217;s residence. Later, her mother married a man she referred to as her \u201cwhite knight,\u201d and moved the family to New Hampshire, where they were the only nonwhite members of the community.<strong> <\/strong>Then, at 31, Wong learned that the story she\u2019d grown up with was a lie\u2014the man she called Papi was not her father. Like so many who discover family secrets, Wong must reassemble her identity, redefine her understanding of family and culture, and reckon with having lived a life as a Chinese woman only to suddenly learn that, biologically, she is not Chinese. This memoir is her attempt not only to explore a changing sense of self but also to learn more about her mother\u2019s life and experiences, and excavate the social systems behind the secrets she held so fiercely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<script src=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/widgets.js\" data-type=\"featured\" data-full-info=\"true\" data-affiliate-id=\"269\" data-sku=\"9781668012604\"><\/script>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading\"><em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9781668012604\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Unearthing<\/a><\/em> by Kyo Maclear<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Three months after her father\u2019s death, Kyo Maclear learned a long-buried secret: they weren\u2019t biologically related. It\u2019s a discovery that\u2019s only one thread in an extraordinary weave of introspection and excavation of personal and family history. After learning that partial truth about her paternity, Maclear sought the deeper story, the gathering of which was complicated by her mother\u2019s dementia. Her search for answers is told through the metaphor of the garden and structured around the seasons\u2014the ever changing dynamics of our world. While she sets out to learn the truth about her unknown father, she strives as well to unearth her mother\u2019s story and better understand their complex relationship. Maclear muses about what it is that makes each of us who we are as she probes the nature of inheritance, kinship, and family mythology in ways that raise more questions than they answer. Again and again she demonstrates that our understanding of truth is always a work in progress.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I was an infant, my mother abandoned our family and disappeared without a trace. Throughout my childhood and young adulthood, I heard the same questions again and again: What happened to your mother? Did she die? How can a mother leave her children? I had no answers and no frame of reference. I knew [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":7109,"featured_media":314392,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[5647],"tags":[178,175,240,94],"class_list":["post-314220","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-reading-list","tag-family","tag-history","tag-memoir","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>7 Memoirs About Discovering Close Relatives Late in Life - Electric Literature<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"These books explore what happens when parents, siblings, and histories emerge from family secrets long buried\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/7-memoirs-about-discovering-close-relatives-late-in-life\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"7 Memoirs About Discovering Close Relatives Late in Life - Electric Literature\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"These books explore what happens when parents, siblings, and histories emerge from family secrets long buried\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/7-memoirs-about-discovering-close-relatives-late-in-life\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Electric 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of an Intervention, Part I"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<h5 class=\"wp-block-heading\">An introduction from the author<\/h5>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBlue Spark\u201d came about when the incredible writer and editor Jennifer Kabat asked me to contribute to a nonfiction publication she\u2019d started with three fellow writers: Janet Steen, Greg Olear, and&nbsp;Sean Beaudoin. I was terrified. I said yes. I ran a subject by her, and we decided on a deadline. But every time I started, I was horrified by my writing. Writing fiction, I felt in control. Writing nonfiction about myself was mortifying. Even writing in a journal was mortifying. I had only let a few autobiographical paragraphs slip into publication before, in a brief piece about my dad\u2019s short stories. When I confessed that I was stuck with my essay for her, Jennifer told me to pretend I was just writing an email to her. She is the &#8220;Dear Reader&#8221; of &#8220;Blue Spark.&#8221; Imagining her\u2014unconditionally curious and accepting\u2014I managed to get something down, and then unclench my fists and fling it into the world in spite of its profound imperfectness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The central events chronicled here occurred in 2001 and 2002. I wrote it in the summer of 2013. I thought I was far away from the self who had experienced these things. \u201cBlue Spark\u201d was mostly written in the public library of Saugerties, New York. Most of the time, I was nauseated while I wrote. I told myself the nausea was related to eye strain, and I went to an eye doctor. I had headaches while writing, too, which I told myself were from the poor ergonomics of the chairs and tables at the library. But part of me knew that I was sick from the responsibility I felt toward everyone who appeared in the essay (but of course, they\u2019re not <em>themselves<\/em>, I thought, they are the versions that my brain has edited, presumptuously), and by the people who aren\u2019t mentioned but who were present for\u2014or part of\u2014the things that happened. I felt sick knowing that perception is so freakish, that if even a leaf or a towel seems to be yellow for one person, but green for another, the things I was writing about\u2014collective tragedy, intimate moments with a spouse\u2014could appear to be the wrong color, even if they were completely true for me. And finally, writing meant remembering in a way that felt like I was performing an autopsy on a version of myself that had died, as if I were poking around in old organs that had been pickled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Pete Walker\u2019s <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9786267198902\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Complex PTSD<\/a><\/em> came out a few months after this essay was published. Bessel van der Kolk\u2019s <em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780143127741\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">The Body Keeps the Score<\/a><\/em> came out the next year. Broad awareness of Complex PTSD, with which I was diagnosed in 2001, was nascent. I remember telling people that I\u2019d received that diagnosis, and being met with confusion: Wasn\u2019t PTSD something only combat veterans had? Now you can open up an app on a phone and see a person who isn\u2019t a person\u2014rather, an avatar of a person, a completely fictitious wise woman or pacific man created by artificial intelligence\u2014speaking words written by artificial intelligence, culled from scraps of human writing, about healing complex trauma with tapping, breathing, self-forgiveness, and so on.&nbsp;<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">&nbsp;I couldn\u2019t help being embarrassed when using the word trauma with sweetly confused people way back when. I am embarrassed now. Whatever I\u2019ve endured, I say to myself, I\u2019ve actually been quite lucky. I\u2019ve survived after all. Shouldn\u2019t that be enough? The psychiatrist who diagnosed me with C-PTSD in 2001 declined to prescribe medication. He said that what I was displaying\u2014endless tears, full body shaking\u2014was my system having a natural and even healthy response to what I\u2019d experienced. He didn\u2019t want to interrupt my process. I\u2019m glad he allowed me to feel so completely, even though I continued to feel <em>so<\/em> completely for so long that I wreaked terrible havoc. Without that doctor\u2019s decision I may not have learned to write about myself. Numerous studies have shown that writing about trauma helps contain it. Writing was certainly a start, but it wasn\u2019t until this piece was published that I truly began to feel some relief.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">\u201cBlue Spark\u201d and conversations I had with Jamie Fisher are small threads in her complex, comprehensive biography of Elliott Smith, <em>Nobody Broke Your Heart<\/em>, forthcoming this month. That book, which I read in galley form, and the occasion of its birth got me thinking about <em>this <\/em>piece again and drew me back into it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In 2013, I wanted to write about being in a young body in love, about passionate ambition, music, fame, and friendship. Those things got all tangled up with other things. Coming back to this piece, it\u2019s clear to me that the marrow of these human experiences\u2014the ones that made us all feel so alive\u2014has mutated beyond recognition. Then, epidemics still came and went, our president was thoughtful, and my little baby had not yet experienced the captivation of a glowing screen.&nbsp;Now, at times, we do still sing, dance, cry together, and fiercely lust. I hope we will remember how exquisite it all felt.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>I\u2019m grateful to <\/em>The Weeklings<em> for first publishing an absurdly long essay. And to <\/em>Electric Literature<em>\u2014where I\u2019ve dreamed of seeing this piece live again\u2014for doing the same.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<h4 class=\"wp-block-heading has-text-align-center\">&#8220;Blue Spark,&#8221; Part One by Nelly Reifler<\/h4>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"has-text-align-center wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Chapter I<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>1. Come here, Dear Reader, and I will tell you a story.<\/strong> It\u2019s not a happy story; it\u2019s not an easy story to tell. And I\u2019m going to ask you for a favor: One of the people in the story became famous while I knew him, and then he died. I am hoping you can put aside your own knowledge of this person and hear this tale from my life.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>2. I walked in on the aftermath of an intervention.<\/strong> Elliott had played a very short set, and I vaguely remember being startled and disappointed by it. It was the Knitting Factory, September 1997. \u201cFriends staged an intervention in Chicago in the middle of the Either\/Or tour,\u201d said Jonathan Valania in his article \u201cEmotional Rescue\u201d for <em>Magnet Magazine<\/em>. The way I remember it was this: I threw open the door to the green room, the way I had done the last time he played at the club. There he was, on the grungy sofa again. But now, friends I mostly didn\u2019t know or had only met in passing\u2014a few of his Portland friends and newer friends from his year of dropping into and out of New York\u2014surrounded him, leaning against the ugly brown laminate conference table and the emergency exit door. Beautiful Joanna was there, looking anguished and pissed off, arms crossed. I had no idea if she was still Elliott\u2019s girlfriend. When I had met her the year before, she was (or seemed to be) giddily happy with him. Now Elliott got up and hugged me and explained that an intervention was underway and that he would soon be checked into a facility in Arizona. He did not seem to be suffering over the pain he had caused others. Misery was missing. From his raised eyebrows and the scornful twist in his voice, he made it clear to me that he was disappointed in his friends for staging an intervention. It seemed to be a kind of embarrassing joke to him, almost like a practical joke. This was New York City, but he mentioned Chicago. Now I understand that the intervention had actually occurred earlier, at a friend\u2019s house in Chicago\u2014but the participants had agreed to let him play this Knitting Factory gig. It\u2019s been hard to get the facts straight.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>3. Facts. <\/strong>They\u2019re why I write fiction. I don\u2019t trust memory to be solid any more than I trust smoke.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>4. The smoke in the Knitting Factory used to get so thick it became a kind of solid<\/strong> and floated downward. Sometimes you\u2019d have to push it aside to see the person you were talking to. Your throat would always be sore by the end of the night. You\u2019d feel desiccated the next morning. This was before Bloomberg. This was back when I would still drink mixed drinks in bars and clubs, and I had a watery greyhound in my hand. On this particular night in September 1997, I was madly in love with the man I wound up marrying, Noah. We were young, not even 30, but old enough to imagine we were made of organized atoms. Life burned bright, hormones surged, and we were the most beautiful people who had ever existed. New love is self-righteous: <em>Nobody has ever felt this way before<\/em>, its anthem goes, <em>and you will triumph<\/em>. In my memory the crowd at the Knitting Factory is jubilant, and I can see glimpses of the girls\u2019 late summer dresses, and I can see everybody\u2019s shining faces in the mirror behind the bar. Then I made my way upstairs, pulling Noah by the hand, and found the somber scene I\u2019ve described.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>5. Fifteen months earlier, April 1996, in the same smoky room<\/strong>: I\u2019d found Joanna, and we hugged. I\u2019d met her for the first time the night before. Elliott had proudly introduced me to her through a wall of smoke at the Gate in Brooklyn. The Knitting Factory, a tall, boxy room, with a balcony and stage lights, was maybe a little step up from Brownies and the Westbeth Theater, where he\u2019d played in the past. Nobody deserved success more than Elliott did. All of his friends knew: He had just signed a publishing deal for 30,000 dollars, which was an unimaginably large sum. He\u2019d gotten a fan note from John Doe. 27 is an age when you can still feel so much hope; one\u2019s joy at a friend\u2019s newfound fame is not complicated by worry, envy, or cynicism. I still remember the conversation I had with Joanna that night, shouting through the smoke near the bar. On this visit to New York, she and Elliott had spent a lot of time visiting with Alexander, another college friend who was now living in Brooklyn. \u201cHe\u2019s so sweet,\u201d she said. \u201cHe\u2019s the smilingest person I\u2019ve ever met.\u201d I remember that she said exactly these words because I remember pausing.&nbsp;I had never heard anybody use that adjective, <em>smilingest<\/em>, before.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignright\"><blockquote><p>For many of us it was a good time, a happy time, because our bones and flesh insisted it must be.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>6. The Vortex of Evil<\/strong> existed in a recessed rectangle of Alexander\u2019s brick wall. It had, not too long before this night at the Knitting Factory in 1996, nearly driven him mad. He\u2019d called me, and I had gone over to his place on Douglass Street to help him deal with the terror and suffering. It was almost too much for him, living with that vortex. After I went and did what I could (that is, nothing), Buddhist monks came over to purify it. Alexander was a great sculptor who worked in metal, but he\u2019d stopped making art when a young woman fell on one of his sharp, steel pieces and badly hurt herself. Now he had a business making things out of metal, and in the back of his cavernous shop he had a living space built of hastily thrown up sheetrock and plexiglass. Anyway, I knew the Alexander smile that Joanna was talking about when she said <em>smilingest<\/em>, and I knew that it didn\u2019t mean he was happy. I nodded, though, at what she said. In my mind I saw the vortex, but I pushed it aside. For many of us it was a good time, a happy time, because our bones and flesh insisted it must be. But looking back, Dear Reader, Alexander\u2019s Vortex feels like a crack or a window onto the grayscale future. What is a Vortex of Evil, you ask? Well, I can\u2019t really tell you, but he believed in it, so I treated it as&nbsp;real.&nbsp;I\u2019ve never been someone who can tell if a person is in a chemically altered state. When I was a child, the grownups around me were often in such a state.&nbsp;I\u2019ve always treated as real what people see, feel or comprehend due to the chemicals they\u2019ve introduced to their brains.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>7.&nbsp;\u201cElliott is in a very good mood and plays forever!\u201d<\/strong> the music blog Ohmpark tells its readers, who might want to download a bootleg of that night in July 1997.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>8. It reminds me of the pick-up-sticks I played with as a child: If you pull one brightly dyed wooden stick out, everything collapses, even the sticks that aren\u2019t touching the one that\u2019s been removed. <\/strong>When somebody dies in a manner that feels premature or shocking, there\u2019s always a surge of bizarre responses. The reverberations travel incredibly far, considering what a small biological event death is.&nbsp;The anguish of the still-living reacting to a sudden death can take unpleasant forms. Some people become self-aggrandizing; they inflate their intimacy with the dead person or they display tragic public guilt, as if they could have somehow saved the deceased. If the dead person happened to be a great artist, a famous and great artist whose work moved hundreds of thousands of people, and thousands of people considered themselves his friends, this effect is amplified to the extreme. Admirers who met the person once may claim to have been his best friend. I really believe that this kind of behavior isn\u2019t a symptom of narcissism, but rather a convulsive reflex brought about by a glimpse of the uncloseable distance between life and death.&nbsp;In other words: It\u2019s a symptom of fear. Still, it\u2019s the reason I haven\u2019t ever been able to tell this story. I\u2019m uncomfortable with talking about a subject about which so many people feel they know the truth. I know that each of us has our own truth. Perhaps, Dear Reader, you know this, too. If so, you understand the rabbit hole of subjectivity, the mutability of the real.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>9. 1988, A boy who believed he was a vampire would hang out on a branch in a sad black nylon cape.<\/strong> Members of the Society for Creative Anachronism practiced jousting among the low, young trees. It was the path next to Franklin Patterson Hall, where many of Hampshire College\u2019s social science classes met and Joan Braderman taught her bracing Film Theory and History Class. I was introduced to Elliott there: Elliott Stillwater Rotter. A strange name, but many kids had renamed themselves, and these new names were treated as real names. He had long hair, dyed red, and he was walking with his girlfriend, who had the same red hair, that spring of1988. It was a passing introduction, and I remember that this boy and his girlfriend reminded me of the twins in Diane Arbus\u2019 famous photograph\u2014they matched completely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>10. If you, reader, paid any attention to sad white music in the 1990s,<\/strong> you know Elliott\u2019s trajectory from that time onward: His college band Heatmiser reformed in Portland and put out a couple of EPs and a few albums of okayish, appealing rock music that didn\u2019t quite come together in recordings. You might recall, though, that their live shows were incredible. Meanwhile, Elliott went back to recording songs that he wrote on his own (I remember that he had come into college with cassettes of his songs, which a one-armed boy played for me during an awkward dorm room interlude), and in 1994 Cavity Search Records put out an album, <em>Roman Candle.<\/em> Kill Rock Stars then released <em>Elliott Smith <\/em>in 1995 and <em>Either\/Or<\/em> in 1997. In 1997, he crossed the line between secret cult genius to genuine famous person: His song \u201cMiss Misery,\u201d which had been part of the <em>Good Will Hunting<\/em> soundtrack, was nominated for an Oscar. He lost to Celine Dion. DreamWorks put out his next two albums, <em>XO <\/em>and <em>Figure 8. <\/em>His music seemed to be nearly universally loved; he was one of those artists about whom few could find anything bad to say. Nobody begrudged him this success. He had problems with depression; he publicly self-medicated, and as he became more famous, a persona developed which was inseparable from the depression and alcohol and drug abuse. Later, in the early oughts, he slipped or skidded into severe ill health\u2014both mental and physical\u2014and more serious substance abuse problems. He died in 2003.&nbsp;His posthumous double album, <em>From a Basement on the Hill<\/em> (ANTI-, 2004) was mixed by Rob Schnaapf and Joanna Bolme. And it is perfect.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>11. When Elliott died in 2003, college friends told me I had to write about him. <\/strong>In our knobby, amoebic group, I was the one who had become the writer. (Actually, there were several great writers in that group, but I was the person who\u2019d just had a book published). Alexander commanded me to do it, and I gave his order particular weight. I waited for almost 10 years, Dear Reader, because of the post-mortem problem I have just described. What could I say about Elliott that nobody else would say? I was never his girlfriend; we weren\u2019t in a band together. I am shy, and I rarely write about things from my own life, except in ornately sublimated fictional forms. My tendency is to assume that nothing is about me. The thought of Elliott\u2019s name being a kind of show horse upon which a piece of my writing would ride turned my stomach. So I resisted for this reason, as well. I waited until I couldn\u2019t put off telling my own story any longer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>12. He gradually became a friend that I knew and adored for 15 years <\/strong>after that first meeting on the path. We had many lovely times together, often in bars and at parties. He was the first person to buy a book of my writing\u2014a small chapbook I\u2019d stapled by hand\u2014and he told me that he found my stories almost too sad to read. He never did anything to hurt or even annoy me, other than eventually hurting himself so much and occasionally making music to which I wasn\u2019t partial. It\u2019s not that we weren\u2019t close when we were in the same space; we just never crossed the line where we expected anything of each other. We had plenty of conversations over the years about childhood, divorced parents, high school, romantic relationships, Smashing Pumpkins, the Pixies, The Minutemen, etc., the East vs the West Coast, marriage, the difference between writing songs and writing stories, and friends\u2019 pets\u2019 health issues. Could it have been different?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>13. The days before cell phones.<\/strong> Once, in 1996, in the midst of a dramatic breakup, I came back to a pile of messages on the answering machine in my Brooklyn apartment. I dumped my bag on the bed and pressed the \u201cplay\u201d button. The messages were all from Elliott: He was in a pit of depression, he said over and over in different ways; he was feeling lost and lonely and desperate to talk. Please, he said, would I call him back and please could we hang out. He\u2019d never spoken like that to me before, and I was alarmed. When I called him back, his roommate gave me a phone number in Boston. I reached him at Mary Lou Lord\u2019s place, and he sounded strange on the phone. Now I realize he was drunk by the time I called.&nbsp;I also realize he must have felt let down by me, having left those messages and receiving no response for days. When he was back in Brooklyn, it was impossible to speak with him about those messages: He evaded and joked.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignleft\"><blockquote><p>He couldn\u2019t let something be, couldn\u2019t let it rest until it was perfect\u2014but nothing would ever be perfect.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>14. Blue Spark. <\/strong>In the fall of 1988 I was falling in love with Dylan, a handsome, grieving, kind boy whom others thought of as sort of an asshole. One October night he held my hand in the back of Elliott\u2019s big, American boat-like car during a trip to the Dairy Mart. A few nights later, Dylan and I squeezed together, almost like children, on his college-issued mattress; the next morning we looked through his mementos of his father, and he wept, and I became his girlfriend. Dylan started a band with his best friend, Billy Greene, and Elliott. One day I stood outside the lounge in Dakin, the dormitory where Dylan lived, and I listened to the band practicing. Elliott was singing and playing guitar, and the song was X\u2019s \u201cBlue Spark.\u201d It is a great song, and it was being butchered. Afterward I said to Dylan, \u201cYou know, Elliott is a terrible singer. What are you going to do?\u201d As it turned out, Elliott was a great singer, and later on his voice became a kind of hypnotic, aching aural dream machine. But in 1988 his voice didn\u2019t do what John Doe and Exene Cervenka\u2019s voices did together, and besides, he was 18. Neil Gust joined the band, and they named the new three-guitar lineup Heatmiser.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>15. Conversation #1.<\/strong> One day, about a year later, I was taking a break from baking at the Bridge Caf\u00e9\u2014that was my campus job; sometimes I made really good things like cardamom cake or apple pie, but often I fell back on recipes from the Eagle Condensed Milk cookbook\u2014and Elliott had finished a draft of a history paper after pulling an all-nighter.&nbsp;Elliott was serious about school, and in the context of Hampshire College, where you could practically get credit for covering a Frisbee with tinfoil or tacking tampons to cardboard with map pins, his studiousness stood out. A friend who knew him then describes him as \u201cintimidatingly brilliant.\u201d His professors wanted him to publish his writing in academic journals. He did not. He lived on a hall of ragtag stoners; they punched holes in the walls between their rooms so that they wouldn\u2019t have to get up to pass the bong.&nbsp;Elliott didn\u2019t take part in the bong Olympics, but he\u2019d occasionally come into the lounge that was their Olympic stadium to play a new song for his hall mates. I, somewhat incongruously, hung out on this hall, as well. I, too, attended but did not participate in the bong Olympics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">On this day he\u2019d been awake for over 24 hours working on his paper, and he was still dissatisfied. It wasn\u2019t perfect. For a teenaged boy, he was remarkably self-aware. He told me that he totally <em>knew<\/em> this was his problem, and it had been his whole life: He couldn\u2019t let something be, couldn\u2019t let it rest until it was perfect\u2014but nothing would ever be perfect. He understood that nothing <em>could<\/em> ever be perfect. Still, he\u2019d delay handing papers in, and he\u2019d find himself avoiding his teachers or making dumb excuses. Because it was imperfect, nothing he did ever felt finished. He asked me how I knew if something <em>I\u2019d <\/em>written was done; I remember being thrown off by his question.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Nothing ever felt done to me, either. But I think I wasn\u2019t, at that point, taking anything I did seriously enough to care if it were done or not\u2014forget <em>perfect<\/em>. I\u2019d made a splash with my writing as a teenager, believe it or not, and I\u2019d been an over-achiever in high school; I\u2019d entered Harvard as a sophomore at age 17, and then promptly fell apart, and my complete breakdown had landed me in the university\u2019s psychiatric facility. So by the time I was sitting at that grimy table in the glorified corridor that was the Bridge Caf\u00e9 (it was literally a bridge between the library and the gym, with a gallery displaying map-pinned tampons downstairs), I thought of myself as a weary has-been, someone who\u2019d shown a lot of promise and had already failed. I told Elliott what was true for me: that nothing ever feels done, and that you just have to find a way to live with the discomfort.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>16. But I\u2019m having a very hard time living with the discomfort now, Dear Reader. <\/strong>It\u2019s analogous in some ways to the Heisenberg principle. Let\u2019s call it the Stillwater-Rotter Phenomenon. This summer I wanted to write a story from my life, a story about trauma and this one very weird thing I did once, which was to say a final goodbye to someone who was still very much alive. But the person I said goodbye to, an old friend whom I hadn\u2019t seen in a few years, was famous\u2014famous in a way that inspired cult-like devotion from his fans. I\u2019ve been working on these pages for months, attempting to separate the fact that I had a friend to whom I said goodbye from the fact that this person in my weird goodbye story was a kind of rock star. I\u2019ve found myself reading interviews with him and combing fan websites; I\u2019ve looked at bootleg sites, lyric sites, and setlist.com. I\u2019ve spoken to his biographer on the phone. I\u2019ve tried writing the story as if Elliott had never become famous, or pretending that it is likely you\u2019ve never heard of him; after all, there are far more struggling artists who can\u2019t stop drinking and who mix their alcohol with fucked up combinations of drugs than there are well known ones. But I\u2019m running into this problem, which is that fame changes the person who is its subject, the way that atoms behave differently when they are being observed. I couldn\u2019t write a story about Elliott as if he were non-famous Steven Smith because fame changed Elliott.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>17. The dramatic breakup I was going through in 1996,<\/strong> when I was out of town and missed Elliott\u2019s pleading calls, was my breakup with Dylan. In 1991, upon my graduation from college, we had moved to San Francisco. Things weren\u2019t easy. It was the Bush recession, we were underemployed, and I was sick with an illness that a dozen doctors had either been unwilling to diagnose or called psychosomatic. By the time a nurse practitioner had found the cause of my sickness, and the cause turned out to be an asthma medication that Dylan was taking, the relationship had hit a kind of wall. It had become one of those domestic arrangements in which you\u2019re sleeping in the same bed as your best friend\u2014which, you might remember, was how it began. We returned to the East Coast for graduate school\u2014an MFA in film for Dylan, and one in writing for me\u2014and decided to get married. We planned a wedding. And then, a couple of months before we were to wed, I met Noah while working a shift (Exit Door) at the Park Slope Food Coop. When Dylan went upstate for his final summer at Bard, I had a drink with Noah at Jonny Mack\u2019s, a neighborhood bar in the southern end of Park Slope, when that part of the neighborhood was still half boarded-up storefronts and shady bodegas. I had two greyhounds, actually. There was a lot about Noah that I didn\u2019t like\u2014his sandals, the cartoonish drawing on his business card, his affection for Counting Crows\u2014and yet I was completely chemically overwhelmed by him. He had dark, deep brown eyes and smooth skin that I wanted to touch. I was smitten on the atomic level. That night, I didn\u2019t sleep, and I writhed with mysterious, punishing knee pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>18. Billy Greene never became famous. <\/strong>Like Elliott, he was a preternaturally gifted boy. He was a brilliant animator, artist, and drummer. I mentioned him before, Dear Reader; he was Dylan\u2019s best friend from childhood, and in 1988, when I transferred into Hampshire, Billy came in from UCSC and Dylan from UVM. The two boys were like brothers, I think. Billy could be hard to reach, exceedingly private, and this sometimes bugged Dylan, who was hard to reach in his own way. But it was an unconditional relationship; no bump\u2014band quarrels, for instance, or lack of communication\u2014would rattle them enough to affect the fundamental fact of their bond.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<figure class=\"wp-block-pullquote alignright\"><blockquote><p>Don\u2019t be slick, I begged him, bringing my hand down hard on the long wooden table where we sat.<\/p><\/blockquote><\/figure>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In 1994, when Dylan and I moved to Brooklyn from San Francisco, we got an apartment next door to Billy and his girlfriend. (Lori Berenson, its previous tenant, had gone to Peru and gotten involved with the Tupac Amaru Revolutionary Movement; she would become one of the most famous political prisoners of our time; Billy\u2019s girlfriend said that she used to blast The Doors at top volume.) Billy began giving me drumming lessons. We\u2019d meet at Context, a hive-like block of studio and rehearsal spaces on Avenue A. I wasn\u2019t terrible. I wasn\u2019t good. I was probably teachable, and Billy was patient.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>19. At a party in Billy\u2019s apartment,<\/strong> he handed me the new solo CD by Elliott and encouraged me to listen to it. Elliott had sent it to him. We were standing in Billy\u2019s narrow kitchen, the mirror image of our narrow kitchen next door. I took the CD from him, and didn\u2019t think about it until a few days later, when I stuck it in the portable CD player I had hooked up to my car\u2019s cassette deck. I was dumbstruck, of course.&nbsp;I was even more awed by my old friend when, soon after that, I first saw him play those solo songs and realized that the things he did with the acoustic guitar\u2014which I thought were tricks from the mixing room\u2014were actually made by his fingers and six strings.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>20. After Elliott moved to Los Angeles in 1999 he no longer called me when he was in New York.<\/strong> I didn\u2019t take it personally; he stopped calling a lot of his old friends. We heard that he wasn\u2019t doing well\u2014in a new way. We were worried. There had always been, in Elliott\u2019s sweet ambition to be a rock star, the potential for a rock star crash. We heard that he was seeing a bad psychiatrist, or a couple of different pill doctors. We heard that he was disoriented and\u2014no surprise\u2014drinking too much. Later we\u2019d hear that he was smoking crack in the studio. We\u2019d hear that he\u2019d become difficult to work with: grumpy and paranoid. I heard a story of him holding up a Ziploc bag full of pills, trying to figure out which ones were which, and then just taking a few of each.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>21. Conversation #2<\/strong>. But before all that, after the intervention, later in the fall of 1997, Dylan was visiting New York. Noah had recently moved into the 16<sup>th<\/sup> Street apartment where Dylan and I had lived for the last 10 months we were together. Noah and I spent our nights on the bed that Dylan and I had bought through the <em>New York Press<\/em> classifieds; we used the coffee pot I had given Dylan for his 27<sup>th<\/sup> birthday. Now Dylan and I were trying to stay friends.&nbsp;There was to be a summit, the first time Dylan and Noah would have a beer together. It just so happened that Elliott gave me a call to see if I wanted to get a drink\u2014and somehow I dragged him into the boyfriend summit, along with Alexander, who lived near the bar where we were all to meet, The Gate. Elliott seemed fine. Great, actually. We didn\u2019t speak of the intervention. I don\u2019t remember much about how it went with Dylan and Noah, but I vividly remember the conversation with Elliott.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">He told us that Gus Van Sant was using a song by him in his new movie. We all congratulated him\u2014it seemed like a big break, even bigger and more impressive than the publishing deal. I asked Elliott what his next album was going to be like, and he said that he was finally going to have enough money to use strings. No! I said. No strings. Too cheesy. Strings aren\u2019t cheesy, he said, not necessarily. Look at the Beatles, he said, the way they used strings. My point exactly, I said.&nbsp;I slugged some wine and remembered the conversation we\u2019d had about his history paper; I knew that there was some ideal, some kind of perfect glassy symmetry that he was reaching for in his music. And now people were going to give him money to obsess about it. Don\u2019t be slick, I begged him, bringing my hand down hard on the long wooden table where we sat. I was being bossy, actually a bit of a jerk, and he got annoyed. He asked why I wouldn\u2019t trust him to make the right decisions about his own music. We were having a little argument. Perhaps if I had been aware of Lou Reed\u2019s \u201cStreet Hassle\u201d at the time, or if I\u2019d thought about Rick Danko\u2019s fiddle, I would have been less mean about strings. It\u2019s a good thing I have become a writing teacher; now, bossing people around about their work is my job. I did try my best, though, to love those Dreamworks albums of Elliott\u2019s.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em><a href=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/aftermath-of-an-intervention-part-ii\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">Read part two of &#8220;Blue Spark&#8221; here.<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n\n\n<aside class=\"related-content-block alignright no-title\">\n    \t\t\t\t\t<article class=\"post-box\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<a href=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/aftermath-of-an-intervention-part-ii\/\">\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-info\">\n\t\t\t\t\t<h2>Aftermath of an Intervention, Part II<\/h2>\n\t\t\t\t\t<!-- <p>The second installment of Nelly Reifler\u2019s three-part essay about marriage, murder, 9\/11, and how she said goodbye to Elliott Smith<\/p> -->\n<!-- temp without tags -->\n\t\t\t\t\t<p>The second installment of Nelly Reifler\u2019s three-part essay about marriage, murder, 9\/11, and how she said goodbye to Elliott Smith<\/p>\n\t\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-lower\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\tAug 13\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t&#8211; <span>Nelly Reifler<\/span>\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"post-box-image\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<span class=\"post-box-category\">Personal Narrative\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<\/span>\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<!-- blah -->\n\t\t\t\t\t\t<img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"640\" height=\"488\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-768x586.jpg\" class=\"attachment-medium_large size-medium_large wp-post-image\" alt=\"\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-768x586.jpg 768w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-300x229.jpg 300w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-1024x781.jpg 1024w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-1536x1171.jpg 1536w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-2048x1562.jpg 2048w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-600x458.jpg 600w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/tomas-martinez-oDwYKT5x__0-unsplash-scaled-e1786561266598.jpg 1000w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 640px) 100vw, 640px\" \/>\t\t\t\t<\/div>\n\t\t\t\t<\/a>\n\t\t<\/article>\n\n\t<\/aside>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>An introduction from the author \u201cBlue Spark\u201d came about when the incredible writer and editor Jennifer Kabat asked me to contribute to a nonfiction publication she\u2019d started with three fellow writers: Janet Steen, Greg Olear, and&nbsp;Sean Beaudoin. I was terrified. I said yes. I ran a subject by her, and we decided on a deadline. [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":9323,"featured_media":314804,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[85,6181],"tags":[447,62,6465,52,94,6209],"class_list":["post-314705","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essay","category-personalnarrative","tag-addiction","tag-death","tag-fame","tag-music","tag-relationships","tag-writing"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Aftermath of an Intervention, Part I - Electric Literature<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The first installment of Nelly Reifler&#039;s three-part essay about marriage, murder, 9\/11, and how she said goodbye to Elliott Smith\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/aftermath-of-an-intervention\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Aftermath of an Intervention, Part I - Electric Literature\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"The first installment of Nelly Reifler&#039;s three-part essay about marriage, murder, 9\/11, and how she said goodbye to Elliott Smith\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/aftermath-of-an-intervention\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" 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Cover Reveal of I CAN FEEL IT ALL OVER by Ebonya Lia"},"content":{"rendered":"\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><em>Electric Literature is pleased to reveal the cover of&nbsp;<\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780063463141\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">I Can Feel It All Over<\/a><em> by Ebonya Lia, which will be published on March 16, 2027 by Amistad Books. You can pre-order your copy&nbsp;<a href=\"https:\/\/www.harpercollins.com\/products\/i-can-feel-it-all-over-ebonya-lia?variant=45789242589218\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noreferrer noopener\">here<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In this radiant and incisive debut novel in the tradition of works by ZZ Packer and Toni Cade Bambara, a Black woman fights to reclaim\u2014and reinvent\u2014her world after a little understood illness and a public health crisis threatens to upend everything she has.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Forty-seven-year-old Harmony Johnston is not suited for New York City life in 2019. From shampoos to synthetics to cell phones\u2014the ubiquitous staples of modern daily life cause her physical pain, for reasons no one, including Harmony, understand. Doctors deny her illness is real, after seven years of enduring this private war, Harmony has her doubts too. Betrayed by her body and mind, as well as those closest to her\u2014her obstinate physician sister, her sneaky best friend, and a spectral aunt who appears and disappears at whim\u2014Harmony clings to the one doctor who offers hope.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">In war, there are sacrifices: hair, boyfriend, sleep. Conditioned to place the comfort of others above her own needs, Harmony strives to be accommodating in an increasingly inhospitable world. But when the prestigious non-profit she works for relocates to an office with new wiring, painting, and carpeting (and the same old racial tensions) that exacerbate her pain, she quits her job and begins to set firm boundaries that upend her life, make her universe a little smaller, and magnify her loneliness.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">As Harmony grows increasingly ill, threatening her relationship with her one sympathetic doctor, she cuts herself off completely from the outside world and plunges into depression and literal darkness. When she eventually resurfaces, the world is irreversibly altered. With everyone now nearly as isolated as she is, Harmony resolves to reconnect with all she has lost. But can things ever really go back to normal?<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">At turns devastating, funny, and affirming, <em>I Can Feel It All Over <\/em>is an unforgettable debut novel about bodily autonomy, art, connection, and the pursuit of an authentic life amid the world&#8217;s confines.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<hr class=\"wp-block-separator has-alpha-channel-opacity\"\/>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">Here\u2019s the cover, designed by Stephen Brayda, with art by Mafalda Vasconcelos:<\/p>\n\n\n<div class=\"wp-block-image\">\n<figure class=\"aligncenter size-full is-resized\"><a href=\"https:\/\/bookshop.org\/a\/269\/9780063463141\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\" noreferrer noopener\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"678\" height=\"1024\" src=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/icanfeelitallover_6-18_1024.jpg\" alt=\"\" class=\"wp-image-314371\" style=\"width:460px\" srcset=\"https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/icanfeelitallover_6-18_1024.jpg 678w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/icanfeelitallover_6-18_1024-199x300.jpg 199w, https:\/\/electricliterature.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/08\/icanfeelitallover_6-18_1024-600x906.jpg 600w\" sizes=\"auto, (max-width: 678px) 100vw, 678px\" \/><\/a><\/figure>\n<\/div>\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Ebonya Lia: <\/strong><em>I Can Feel It All Over <\/em>is the story of betrayal, betrayal by one\u2019s own body and perhaps one\u2019s own mind. Harmony Johnston is a middle-aged Black woman who is unfit for the modern world because she is intolerant to things like clothing, plastics and WiFi. They cause her physical hurt. After years of worsening illness and a lifetime of accommodating others, Harmony is going for self. She\u2019s blowing up her relationships in pursuit of a moment free from pain.<br><br>How to visually portray invisible illness is a wonderfully challenging question. When I came across Mafalda Vasconcelos\u2019 work I knew I had the answer.<br><br>This figure attracted me instantly and the more I sit with it the more I see and the more I appreciate. It\u2019s still and yet it\u2019s so dynamic, an apt metaphor for invisible illness. There\u2019s a stoicism to the figure, which reminds me of Harmony. Inside of the body, however, we see the electric current zooming, the woodenness of a life in illness, and all those warm browns\u2014a heat map of Harmony\u2019s pain. And yet there\u2019s the brightness of the lemons. All of these goings on inside of stillness can be read as a harbinger of Harmony\u2019s shift to a more active, more confrontational, more Harmony-first approach to her work, family, and relationship life.<br><br>As the title and cover hint, music and visual art are featured in the novel. My protagonist is passionate about uplifting Black women\u2019s art in particular. It\u2019s only fitting that we spotlight the work of Vasconcelos, a Black woman artist portraying a Black woman\u2019s body, on the story\u2019s cover.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><strong>Stephen Brayda: <\/strong>After a few rounds of research and exploration testing various combinations of imagery and type design, author Ebonya Lia suggested featuring art by Mafalda Vasconcelos, a visual artist originating from Mozambique with a striking portfolio. Lia was drawn to her piece \u201cEva\u201d and the way its tone, color palette, and dynamic markings on the figure\u2019s skin allude to a heat map of pain.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\">The cover clicked quickly with Vasconcelos\u2019 work, and I experimented with type treatments that deliberately guide the viewer\u2019s eye through the piece and all over the body, making sure the figure remains central to the design.<\/p>\n\n\n\n<p class=\"wp-block-paragraph\"><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Electric Literature is pleased to reveal the cover of&nbsp;I Can Feel It All Over by Ebonya Lia, which will be published on March 16, 2027 by Amistad Books. You can pre-order your copy&nbsp;here. In this radiant and incisive debut novel in the tradition of works by ZZ Packer and Toni Cade Bambara, a Black woman [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1807,"featured_media":314378,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[6177,243],"tags":[684,593,94],"class_list":["post-314364","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-cover-reveal","category-news","tag-events","tag-illness","tag-relationships"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.1 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>Exclusive Cover Reveal of I CAN FEEL IT ALL OVER by Ebonya Lia - 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