Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Tony’s Balloon Party

★★☆☆☆ (2 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Tony’s Balloon Party.

Most parties have balloons, but only Tony’s Balloon Party has only balloons. That’s right — it’s a balloon-only party, meaning the balloons are the guests — each one with a face drawn on as if it is alive. Admission is $5, cash only, and only one attendee is allowed at a time. When I arrived, there was no line.

I slipped the $5 into Tony’s mailslot and could feel him yank the bill out of my hand. Then a voice said, “You have 15 minutes.” I asked if he would be at the party and he said no, but that he’d be watching.

The entire party takes place inside the kitchen, which you enter through the side door. All other rooms have been made inaccessible with handwritten signs that say simply “NO.” From behind one of the doors I could hear what sounded like fingernails scratching on the wood and I hope it was just a cat.

There’s a carrot and cheese platter but the balloons are really the centerpiece of the party. There are balloons of all colors. Some are standard balloon-shaped balloons while others are mylar balloons in more custom shapes and with images on them. The best balloon I saw was in the shape of a star and it had an image of Pac-Man on it. I reached out to touch one with a woman’s face on it when Tony’s voice came over a speaker and said, “Stay away from Daphne.”

When I accidentally popped one of the balloons, a door flung open and a guy who I assume was Tony came screaming at me to get out. I quickly tried to re-inflate the balloon but the damage was too severe, and Tony’s face was all red and he looked like he wanted to fight but he also looked like he wanted to cry so I hurried out of there.

When I drove past Tony’s the next day I saw a big sign on the lawn that read “NO MORE BALLOON PARTY.”

I have to say, I’ve been to better parties. But I’ve also been to worst. Like the one where the host was arrested for murder. She didn’t do that, but we didn’t find that out until 22 years later after new DNA evidence revealed someone else was the killer.

BEST FEATURE: Now that Tony’s Balloon Party is out of business, the field is wide open for competitors.
WORST FEATURE: None of the balloons were filled with helium. Just Tony’s breath.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing baby wipes.