Writer Horoscopes for May 2016: Aphorisms Ascending

by Apostrodamus

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)

You’re your own best guinea pig in May. With five planets in retrograde, it’s a good time to take new tacks with old drafts. Channel the editorial trinity — writer, editor, and reader — and go HAM on plots and plot holes (if in doubt, insert your favorite literary trope, whether amnesiac aliens or a late-stage triple cross). Keep your lines to yourself, at least till the 22nd. Stars realign the last week of the month; revise wisely, and you might be in for some lucky byline news.

Lucky protagonist: Your literary doppelgänger

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

Skies are groggy, cryptic — this month is one long subtweet. Everyone’s a little weird; your fave reader might return some cuckoo notes, a new magazine editor might ghost on your pitch, and your idiosyncratic office mate might dispatch memos via wood log. Embrace the mood: let your stories operate on dream logic, and mine your psyche (aka Get to Know Your Inner Derangements) for inspiration. Definitely record your observations. Go deep enough, and you might undulate your way — against a soundtrack of finger snaps and smooth sax — to literary clarity.

Lucky protagonist: Pie-loving special agent

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

Dear Cancer, shelve your power verbs and befriend participles — May is an ace month to get cozy with continuing. You’ll summon astral vibes good for flexing word counts and revising existing pieces — save maybe your disastrous first novel (no retrograde’s deep enough to jell that earnest mix of word-spew and mental/actual flop-sweat — SORRY. But look where you are now!). On the solvency front, you might get a $$ hot tip $$ around the full moon.

Lucky protagonist: Scrappy pacifist

Leo (July 23 — August 22)

This month’s kind of an astral shrug, Leo. Planets are in backtrack, so don’t rush to sign contracts. Wait until the 22nd — though July or beyond would be a safer bet. Whoa: could your fine-tuned procrastination skills — that internet K-hole sure isn’t gonna dig itself — and champion ability to crank out fiction — aka a golden goose of excuses/REASONS — help you in a business capacity? Dude. OK, writing in May may go a little slow. But sow your fallow mind-field with URLs now (Mercury’s in retrograde; mixed metaphors are legit), and receive your yield of pages come summer.

Lucky protagonist: CEO of online enterprises

Virgo (August 23 — September 22)

Bloops from the astral hotline say you’re due for some R&R: rest and revision. Academic Virgos (on either side of the Blackboard screen) will have a leg up: this is an ideal month to research backdrops for your novel. We hear if you chant “geographic excursions” three times in front of the mirror during a new moon, a magical tax write-off appears. (This is not sound financial advice.) Stick to planning now, and globe-trot later. If your wallet’s feeling light, trade your passport for a keypad: dial a Swede to glean literary inspiration — and meatball recipes?

Lucky protagonist: Bureaucrat with big dreams!

Libra (September 23 — October 22)

Feel your feelings, Libra — this month, channel ancient LiveJournal accounts or your inner teen spirit, and be a fan. Root for yourself, your own animal of language genius, your writing crew. Communicate in superlatives, overdose on emoji, revisit the books that form your literary origin story. Sometimes writing — the solitude, Day 7 sweatpants, crumbs (let’s not get into the ability to fulfill Maslow’s pyramid) — is the worst. So treat yourself nice; the skies will it so.

Lucky protagonist: Next-level evolved Pokémon

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)

With Mercury et al. in retrograde, this month’s perfect to revive drafts left for dead. Examine your work to see if psychological undercurrents ring true for your characters — are they human/beast/bot/stoic mineral, or more graceless mouthpiece? Clear expository cruft. Consult your local druid (OK, your editor). Though communication may be murky (definitely give feedback room to breathe), you’ll still make more headway with a collaborator. Near the end of the month, you might get word on a generous grant.

Lucky protagonist: Neighborhood necromancer

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)

Your month’s mantra, Sagittarius: backspace your way to bliss. Extricate yourself from unwieldy subplots, pet gimmicks, even — this might be the most hurtful — your top character, who has proven distressingly resistant to advancing the narrative in a vital fashion in rewrite after rewrite BUT is so fun/loveable/hateable/your literary stand-in/how you got into the story in the first place! Gulp down your qualms and backspace your way to bliss. In the last week of May, that new draft could be your ticket to some major champions of your work.

Lucky protagonist: Stranger with an axe to grind (and a decent heart!)

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)

Dear Sea Goat, the month’s news from the multidimension suggests sticking to revision. You got a lot of words, why don’t you put ’em in order? (The editorial process: stamp a giant Solved! on it.) If rewriting takes a turn toward the Sisyphean, run. Get outside, pet a dog, outstare a lizard. Reset your brain. Forget pub parties and attend only the readings of writers with whom you’ve sworn blood pacts (your BPBFFs) — you’ll do better on your own most of May. After the full moon, try your luck with an agent or two.

Lucky protagonist: Zookeeper and oath keeper tag team

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)

In this round of cosmic semaphore, the most productive thing you can do is twofold: 1) fortify yourself with your choice of Haribo and 2) inspect your desk/couch cushion or seating plank/bed/screen. (Step one applies to a lot of life scenarios.) For healthy word flow, enjoy the tools of your trade and your space, whatever that means to you. If it’s fluorescents and a legion of browser tabs, well, godspeed. If it’s strategic candy clusters and an ergonomic chair, godspeed, you magnificent literary sunbeam.

Lucky protagonist: Non-tragic hermit

Pisces (February 19 — March 20)

You’re a word pro this month, Pisces, even with the planetary retrograde. Get fresh, get loopy with stalled arcs (the floating orb favors sci-fi romance starring a pachinko machine). Inject chance — play with Oblique Strategies. Settle character disputes by asking what your fave author, glitchy chatbot, or historical crush (whether on basis of acts or facial symmetry) would do. Your limber writing muscles put you in the best position for banner project news the last week of the month.

Lucky protagonist: Sentient pachinko!!!

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

Welcome to your editorial reckoning, Aries! JK. But it is a stellar month to reassess. If your job situation is a real laugh-sob, vibes are strong in early May to get that paper — money and pages. Keep an eagle eye on any fine print, especially before the 22nd. If your plot generator needs an extra crank, try your hand at another genre. Or form a solo residency and take to the desert for high inspiration. Wander a museum. Reconnect with the pals you neglected as you finally stuck an ending for that one tricky chapter. Friendship, money, pages — look at you, hotshot!

Lucky protagonist: Spiritual adviser