Getting More Rooster at LDM in San Diego
1. LDM champion Heather Fowler, reading about COCKS, and the all-male judges, Kyle Ray, Jim Ruland, & Patrick Eugene Stewart. 2. Ryan Bradford, getting all vampiric.
On Tuesday, I ventured to the third annual San Diego Literary Death Match, which was put on with the help of So Say We All, a non-profit artist collective. The show was held at Space 4 Art in Downtown San Diego, and it certainly lives up to its name. Inside, there is ample space for your art. They also have an outdoor stage and seating area, which provides space for your art. You can smoke in the outdoor section whilst you are enjoying the show. However, this does not always happen in San Diego due to people being “assholes” about “lung cancer.” As someone who enjoys burning the insides of their lungs and throat, I was very excited about this. There are also a couple of shopping carts that have been converted into chairs. So not only are they mobile, but they have storage space for all your crap!
My friend Kyle Ray was one of the judges. I asked him what qualified him to be one, and he said it was his “impeccable taste.” This reminded me of one time in high school when Ray offered to show me his “glow in the dark trick.” The lights were turned out and a few moments later they were turned back on, revealing Ray’s bare ass mere inches from my face. That moment has been burned into my mind forever. “Impeccable taste,” indeed.
I met the host, Todd Zuniga, and promptly told him that I was a Fake Journalist who had no idea what she was doing and asked him if he would like to do an interview with me. I sweetened the deal by complimenting his jacket that “looked like it was made out of Grandma’s wallpaper.” He could not resist my charms, and began telling me a lot of fun facts, including but not limited to the following:
1. He is living in Paris, but is moving back to the states to turn LDM into a TV show. (I think the real reason is because he misses freedom.)
2. They used to use Nerf darts but now use Nerf discs with a short story author’s name written on them.
3. He said that I looked great. I agreed.
4. He lost $325 doing a show in New York City. I asked him to convert that into rubles. He could not do this simple math equation. I estimated it would be ‘bout two million.
5. Zuniga gave me a LDM button because he was highly impressed with my professionalism as a Fake Journalist and said “the things in it that look like dirt flecks are dirt flecks.” I appreciated his honesty.
Heather Fowler kicked off the night by reading a portion from her book, Suspended Heart. I learned that Satan was a blonde, which I always suspected, and that to make a deal with him you don’t always have to give up your soul — you can just fuck him. Fowler had plenty of cock references in her story, which the audience and the all-male judges loved.
Ryan Bradford followed next and read his story, “Do More Things With Blood in Your Mouth.” (Personal note: I really like titles that also double as life mantras.) Bradford started his story by saying “BLOOOOOOOOOOOOD” in a Dracula voice. He also described a young goth girl as tasting like bad meat and Steel Reserve.
Judge Jim Ruland (Literary Merit), last year’s LDM winner, told Fowler he was really impressed by her reading out of an actual book. Judge Patrick Eugene Stewart (Performance) really liked her necklace. Judge Ray (Intangibles) gave her + 666 points for mentioning Satan and +50 points for showing side boob, making a total of 716 points.
Bradford was given -50 points by Ray for his Twilight reference but received +50 points for his “Count from Sesame Street voice,” which brought him to a solid 0 points.
Fowler was declared the winner due to her mind-blowing amount of cock references and really cool sparkly necklace.
1. Karl Sherlock does not have a sword. 2. Jincy Willet on stage.
Karl Sherlock read a story about clergy abuse, which confirmed my long-standing distrust of the Catholic Church. I also learned that one must swallow, but not chew, the body of Christ. Which is funny, because that’s just how one should treat semen.
Before she began, Jincy Willet announced that she was reading only three, not four, of her spark fiction stories, because “she did not want to get hit with that fascist Nerf disc.” Willet’s first story contained a bus filled with senior citizens falling off a bridge. Her next story was about a person using a voice changer who called radio show hosts with the sole intention of driving them insane. Her last story was about a girl who slipped on ice, got a pine needle in her wrist, and died from the ensuing infection.
Ruland inquired if Sherlock had a sword in his cane (Sherlock had a cane). He did not, so Ruland said his story was quite long. Ray gave Sherlock -50 points for being gross, but commended his personal appearance. All three judges expressed their desire for more cocks.
Willet was praised by Ruland, who said he would read anything she wrote. All three judges expressed they “really wanted more cocks in her stories.”
1. Literary hijinks ensuing!
To decide the winner, Willet and Fowler had to throw t-shirts into a basketball hoop three times. For a moment, I felt like I was transported into a segment of Double Dare. Then I remembered that no, I was at LDM, where true worth is judged by zoinky challenges. After an eternity of nail-biting suspense, Fowler came out victorious.
As the night came to an end, I could not help but wish the t-shirts were actually dildos. Sometimes real life mirrors writing, and you just need more cocks.
— Photos courtesy of Literary Death Match. See more pictures of the event here.