Kathleen Cheng is having a hell of a Saturn Return. The late-20s protagonist of Jenny Xie’s debut novel Holding Patternhas just been dumped by the man she thought she’d spend her life with. Unmoored and questioning, she drops out of her cognitive psychology graduate program on the East Coast and moves back in with her mother in California’s East Bay.
Her mother, however, is not the mother Kathleen remembers. Marissa is no longer the heartbroken single parent, stranded by her husband’s infidelity and left to struggle with finances, depression, alcoholism, and making her way in an unfamiliar country, where comfort is always out of reach. The new Marissa is engaged to an ABC Silicon Valley tech entrepreneur and wholly embracing the contemporary brand of West Coast wellness: hiking, jogging, green juice, and the perfect Pinterest-board wedding.
No longer her mother’s caretaker but still her maid-of-honor, Kathleen navigates these unbreachable distances and unbearable closeness while trying to square the past with the present. Back in her rapidly changing hometown of Oakland, Kathleen reunites with old friends and explores different forms of intimacy: from a “techno circus” at a co-op in Berkeley to parasocial relationships with pet influencers on Instagram. She takes a gig with a start-up specializing in professional cuddling, which expands her understanding of intimacy in precarious and illuminating ways.
Holding Pattern introduces readers to a spectrum of contemporary characters (including a memorable tech bro opining the lack of UX design in the wilderness), but handles its satire with open-mindedness and a light touch.
“I wanted to write characters who were obviously flawed, but I wanted everyone to be on everyone’s side,” Xie says.
I spoke with Xie by phone about mother wounds, ethical intimacy, and accepting ephemerality. During our chat, Xie recalled her own late twenties, embroiled in a period of transition and upheaval, when she learned the term Saturn Return. “I was relieved to hear that it wasn’t just me,” she laughs. “It was cosmic!”
Katie Moulton: Can you talk about where this story began for you, and how it found its way to this final form?
Jenny Xie: Oh, such a long time ago. It felt like I could only see a couple of feet ahead of me for a long time. I wrote stories with the prototypes of Kathleen and Marissa, and I knew that the mother-daughter dynamic was at the core, so I tried to crack that relationship open.
I wanted these two characters to be each other’s whole world in a way. What happens when you love each other so intensely, but you’re in such close proximity and with such intensity, that every point of friction is amplified. And then it ossifies into a pattern, right? Who else are you in a relationship with longer than your mom? She’s the only person you’ve known your whole life. And you can fall into these canonical roles of mother and daughter and a pattern of speaking and listening that aren’t really speaking and listening.
On top of that, I wanted to give Kathleen and Marissa the weird experience of being totally cleaved into by immigration. Marissa made this choice to leave her entire country and bring up this girl, but that means she doesn’t have any of the same cultural touchpoints or the same values. You’re not even going to have the same music! There’s very little overlap, and then it’s exacerbated by an actual language barrier. So, the two of them are weaving in and out between English and Mandarin, trying to cobble together a common language. On the literal level of language itself, but also in terms of, what does it mean to be a person?
KM:The novel weaves stories from the family’s shared past with Kathleen’s return home, but the central narrative action focuses on the run-up to her mother’s wedding. How did you think about structure in this story?
JX: The wedding aspect was a way to structure how they confront each other. With a wedding, there are these certain beats—like, this many months, you should get the dresses—so it had a natural narrative frame. I could use those beats to think about how they come together and do these weird rituals, but in an upside-down way. Usually, it’s the mother helping the daughter get married, and in this iteration it’s the opposite. Which is fraught for Kathleen because she has always felt like a caretaker for her mom.
KM: There’s interesting tension created between the wedding as this big symbolic ritual and the mechanisms of event being rooted in contemporary, ephemeral culture. We’re dealing with life and death, but the steps—trying on a bridesmaid dress, assembling centerpieces, booking hotels—are consumerist and pretty banal.
JX: I’ve never planned a wedding, but the preparations are fascinating. Marissa is playing into this Silicon Valley-American-Pinterest wedding, which is sort of laughable because it’s so far from what she grew up with—and what Kathleen grew up with. The bachelorette party in Vegas also sprung out of that absurdity, with Marissa like, “I want to do this white person thing.” I think in this new version of her life, she feels like she is finally getting a foothold. She wants to make the wedding happen in a very consumerist sense to say, “I’ve made it. I’m going to achieve the thing that society and media tells me I’m supposed to have. I’m going to recreate the picture that has been told to me of the American Dream, and that will be my symbol of ‘making it.’” Whereas Kathleen grew up with a totally different mindset and is very skeptical of it.
KM: What research did you have to do to find your way through Kathleen’s story? I am specifically curious about the psychology around haptic technology and of course, the gig she takes with a professional cuddling start-up.
JX: The idea for the cuddling start-up sparked when I was looking for a summer job during my MFA [at Johns Hopkins University]. Someone had posted looking for professional cuddlers to work at a new physical clinic. I didn’t apply, but the concept stuck with me.
Kathleen is studying cognitive psychology and working with haptics, so is already thinking about and researching touch. But it’s in this very removed, clinical-trial way. When she drops out and is looking for her next move, she decides to engage with touch in a much more intimate way.
This led me to read a lot of scientific papers on the physiological benefits of touch. Dr. Tiffany Field runs the Touch Research Institute at the University of Miami, and she has been the leader in coining this idea of touch hunger and skin hunger, particularly in American culture. Her studies prove that touch is crucial to infant development, lowers your blood pressure, lowers your heart rate, lowers your cortisol levels, boost immunity. It’s helpful in staving off degenerative diseases. It’s just so good for you.
Touch is the first sense to develop in the womb, and skin is the largest organ. In different studies, they found that you kind of can’t touch too quickly, and you can’t touch too softly. Our bodies are built for tenderness, and we really need it. Yet there are all these social taboos about touch, only exacerbated by the pandemic, and we’ve been experiencing this epidemic of loneliness.
KM: What first-hand research did you conduct?
Our bodies built for tenderness.
JX: I started professionally cuddling myself about a year and a half ago with an online service. I learned a lot about setting very clear boundaries. Of course, sex and intimacy are so related, and there are all these power politics around who is paying for what service. My cuddling clients have always been sparse because, honestly, 99% of people who reach out can’t get through the screening process. But I have learned that when you screen people correctly and set the right boundaries, you can have this intensely intimate encounter with a stranger you met five seconds ago. You can have full body contact, and it can be incredibly intimate—but platonic. It’s very sweet to discover that.
I don’t know if Midas Touch [Xie’s fictional cuddling start-up] is the answer, but I wish there were a service for people to get there safely and ethically.
KM: In imagining this business, which sells the service of ethical touch, how did your thinking develop around care industries and the commodification of intimacy?
JX: Thinking about healthcare—is it ever ethical to commodify it? The way our system is set up, in every place of care, as elsewhere, you see the disparity between people who need care and people who actually get it. I see the need for touch falling into that same trap.
I think about therapy and how expensive each session is, and there are startups offering telehealth and options to make it more accessible. But these are Band-Aids to the actual problem.
KM: In the novel’s tracking of Kathleen’s attempts to communicate with Marissa, there is this sort of blazing distance between them that seems to be a symptom of an overwhelming closeness. Can you talk a bit more about how you view this relationship of care and the impulse to fix or correct each other?
JX: I do feel that the closer you get to someone, you see better how far they are from you. The more you know about someone, the more you realize there’s so much more. Which is normal. And no one ever knows themselves anyway.
There is so much “fixing” coded into the role of motherhood—to nurture, to guide, to teach, to mold. But daughters have a tendency to do that in turn for their mothers. In a way, you’re always thinking back to your mother. You’re always reacting to your mother because that’s your origin. You necessarily, inherently define yourself with or against that.
For Kathleen, she has a lot of resentment about being forced to be a kind of caretaker when she was young. [She longs for] acknowledgement for what she did and validation. She feels resentful of Brian [her mother’s fiancé] and Marissa for changing. Like, snap your fingers and she’s “healed”? But how did I not lift her out of her depression? Why didn’t I matter enough to make her want to be better? By the end she realizes that it wasn’t her responsibility, and it wasn’t within her power. Sometimes it’s just timing.
KM: For a story about an intense one-on-one relationship, Holding Patterns features some masterful scenes conducted within large crowds: a co-op rave, a pet influencer convention, the labyrinth of Vegas casinos. How do these crowd scenes and settings function in a novel focused on intimacy?
JX: In smaller scenes between fewer characters—Kathleen with her mother, or her best friend, or her cuddling client—I go more slowly, focused on smaller gestures.
The closer you get to someone, the more you realize how far they are.
[In a crowd scene] I’m thinking about how you can only point your attention in so many different directions at once. There are all these stimulants shooting at the character like arrows, so I wonder, What would hit her? In the rave scene, I was trying to capture this really joyful, almost monolithic aspect of being in a crowd. There’s that moment where you are so many bodies, but you kind of become one body and you trust everyone around you. I mean, this is like the best version of everybody. There are crowds that are not like this, but when you feel it, you become one animal.
KM: When reading Holding Pattern, I recalled Tony Tulathimutte’s novel Private Citizens, which also examined young people making their way in San Francisco—the other side of the Bay—during a very particular era. In your novel, an evolving, multi-faceted Oakland is, not necessarily a character, but the tumultuous current that all of these characters ride on. How did you approach capturing aspects of the place and culture, and what role do you think it plays in the book?
JX: Absolutely, I was writing about the East Bay the way that I had first seen it, when I moved to Berkeley around 2008 through 2012, 2013. In the novel, Kathleen goes back to where she grew up and is starting to see her neighborhood change. This book is situated on the cusp of the period when the Bay started going off the deep end [in terms of the prevalence of big tech, housing crises, etc.]
When I was living in Oakland, we were scared of all these DIY places shutting down. After the Ghost Ship fire, it really highlighted how people—artists and DIY folks—have been shoved into these tiny, unsafe corners. People have to make it work. I wanted to show the co-op where Kathleen’s best friend lives because even though it’s far from ideal, it is this community of people asking, How do we survive this together?
KM:All these changes and pressures—social, political, technological—are affecting the characters in different ways. Putting them together, drawing them apart, influencing their choices. Yet the external dynamics of the world don’t define the novel’s emotional hinge. How did you think about writing a world steeped in contemporary references that stays timeless?
JX: I’m not shying away from ephemerality. The first draft of this book didn’t include Instagram Stories because they didn’t exist yet. At a certain point, I realized I couldn’t keep up with the technology. A lot of people would shy away from including a brand name or pinning the story to a recognizable time and place, but that just feels disingenuous to me. I don’t need to make up Instagram, because writing about it gets outdated immediately anyway. It’s how I think about tattoos: I don’t really care if I don’t like them later. Because I liked it at the time. You just learn to accept the impulse.
The patriarchy is always on the offensive: yesterday’s reproductive rights can be reduced today and might even be gone completely tomorrow, forcing us to return to the same old struggles, too busy surviving to even think of bigger demands. We are now more worried about the prospect of A Handmaid’s Tale-style life than we are looking forward to a brighter future.
Narrow definitions of womanhood function the same way: they rob women of options, of their humanity. They compress their priorities, causing women to lose sight of what they actually want, of their agency. Tender and nurturing? Yes. Cold-blooded murderers and serial killers? Absolutely not. If they do kill, they better have a good reason. It is dehumanization disguised as virtue.
My debut novel, The History of a Difficult Child, has a number of bad-mannered women inspired by members of my family. I come from a line of women with a history of beating up their abusive husbands, snatching a policeman’s gun, walking about town in the evenings carrying spears. While I do not wish to ever be in a position of having to beat up someone, if it comes down to a future of forced procreation in America, I, a lesbian, wish to be the one who births the Anti-Christ.
The books on this list recount the stories of women who breach those narrow boundaries of womanhood through the commission of violence or the embrace of rudeness and disorder and dirt or a descent into darkness, returning with seismic realizations that could turn the tamest woman into a killing machine.
Firdaus feels no remorse for murdering her pimp. In the prison cell where she awaits execution, she recounts her tribulations, beginning with a childhood of abuse and neglect to an adulthood of violence and betrayals. The ceaseless assault on her body and spirit compresses her sense of identity to such an extent that, at some point, she can’t tell if she prefers oranges to tangerines. She is still relentless about seeking a better life: she runs away, stands her ground, and fiercely pursues love and the hope it carries. At every turn, she is stifled by the men who serve as proud foot soldiers of the patriarchy. In the end, she and those around her realize she is different—not because she murders a man, as there are other women who have done so—but because of her earth-shattering realizations about how women should relate to men. “That is why they are afraid and in a hurry to execute me. They do not fear my knife.”
“I shot him between the eyes,” the narrator tells us of her husband, Alberto, before going to the cafe to recollect herself. This is a story of a man and a woman whose lives are poisoned by patriarchal expectations. Before marriage, they are friends who spend a lot of time enjoying each other’s company, going to the theater, laughing. She tells him she is in love with him, not because she really loves him but because she likes the idea of him and of a marriage. He tells her he doesn’t love her—he loves a woman who is married to someone else—but marries her still because he wants the same things. Despite his initial honesty, he lies to her about the trips he takes to see his mistress, feeling no obligation to be decent, for he is no longer his wife’s friend but a mere prop in a marriage play. How do they escape such a state of dehumanization?
In this explosive book, a hypothetical tourist visiting Antigua is yanked out of his fantasies by a tour guide he didn’t ask for—Jamaica Kincaid. There’s nothing innocent about his visit, he learns, and that everything has been polluted by colonial violence, capitalism, and corruption. The beautiful ocean he has imagined swimming in for so long is full of things one shouldn’t swim with. There are even questions about the neutrality of the taxicab that drives him to his hotel. The notion of the friendly native who greets tourists with an everlasting smile is shattered. As a Black woman, Kincaid is supposed to be extra polite and grateful to this white man who has come from “North America (or worse, Europe)” for taking interest in her island. And yet, she makes him into an “ugly” and “empty” villain, and regales us with a delicious ideation of terrorism: “Do you ever wonder why some people blow things up? I can imagine that if my life had taken a certain turn, there would be the Barclays Bank, and there I would be, both of us in ashes.”
A Cambridge-educated albino woman, Memory, finds herself convicted of the murder of her adoptive father. As she appeals to overturn her death sentence, she recollects the events of her childhood in letters to a journalist. She is othered as a child, bullied by children, avoided by adults who fear she carries evil forces. Later, her attempts to find love are shattered by betrayals. In prison, she begins using writing to decompress events and make sense of them, recover lost memories, and expand her understanding of herself and those around her. She turns her cell into a room of her own. And when new discoveries shatter the foundations of her beliefs about her life, writing and the solidarity she finds among other women prisoners and employees keep her grounded.
Olga grows up with a severe fear of becoming one of those women who “broke like knickknacks in the hands of their straying men.” As a child, she watches “a large, energetic” neighbor disintegrate after being left by her husband. From her mother, she learns that this problem of women being devastated by abandonment is widespread. So, she prioritizes her husband’s career over hers. She avoids “raised voices, movements that were too brusque” and learns “to speak little and in a thoughtful manner.” When her husband leaves her anyway, she tells herself not to be like that poverella of her childhood. The darkness doesn’t seek her permission as it drags her down and, in her descent, she becomes crass and paranoid, the kind of woman who terrifies her own children and alienates her friends. Like that poverella. At her lowest moment, she defecates in the vegetation at the neighborhood park. This is a story of a woman who walks through fire to learn the meaning of solidarity and, in doing so, finds her voice.
Our young narrator, Tambu, begins her story with a confession: “I was not sorry when my brother died.” She lives in a village with her family, helping out on the farm, herding the cows, fetching water, and cooking. The family sends her and her older brother, Nhamo, to school, but Nhamo gets the better deal: he goes to the mission school where his foreign-educated uncle is the principal and lives in a comfortable house with running water. Tambu’s education is not guaranteed as there’s not always enough money to pay the fees for the local school, and her father tells her to focus on learning the skills she needs to be a good wife. Nhamo is increasingly detached from his family in the countryside. When he visits during school breaks, he contributes little and abuses his little sister.
Despite witnessing her brother’s inability to be transformed by education, Tambu latches onto the hope that there is a better life to be gained through education. Look at her uncle’s educated wife. When Tambu leaves the village to attend the mission school and later to a better one, she realizes that even as one moves across class borders, women’s status remains one of alienation, and that race further complicates and increases that alienation. She excels in the classroom but her liberation comes from the piercing clarity she gains about family and her own place in the world.
Korede spends her day keeping order at the hospital where she’s a supervisor nurse. By night, she’s cleaning after a younger sister with a penchant for stabbing her boyfriends to death. The knife Ayoola uses to cut her boyfriends was inherited from a father whose only moments of tenderness were spent on the cleaning of that tool, which he guarded so fiercely that he once threw Ayoola at the wall for smearing it with chocolate. Korede doesn’t know what to do with her sister, who claims that she only kills in self-defense. But where are the wounds, the bruises? Still, Ayoola calls her big sister after every kill and Korede arrives with the material and expertise required to clean the crime scene of “all trace of life” and dispose of the body. What to do then? Should she go to the police? Should she at least cut her sister out of her life? This is a story about the meaning and limits of sisterhood and solidarity in a patriarchal world.
Jack Driscoll writes about working-class men in flyover states. Men who feel left behind and misunderstood, men with calloused hands, men who take reckless risks that often hurt themselves more than others. He writes about people in isolated rural areas who go ice fishing, deadbeat dads, and combat veterans who love their mothers. He writes about ferocious weather, boys with bravado, and men who are haunted by their complicity. The kind of people who accuse politicians and the media of looking down on them.
Driscoll writes about people we need to understand better, whether you call them rednecks or “real Americans.” And he manages to make their gritty, slangy first-person accounts sing with a lyricism that feels miraculously authentic, a diction that lends them a quiet dignity.
Driscoll has won many Pushcart Prizes, so it seems fitting that his Twenty Stories would be published by Pushcart Press. He may not be a household name, but many consider him one of the best short story writers alive. His new book includes twenty stories and spans several decades. Our need to enter into the minds and hearts of the kind of people he writes about is more urgent now than ever.
Reading these stories is a perfect antidote to our news feeds. He shows so much compassion for his characters, no matter what side of the divide they’re on.
Full disclosure: I studied with Driscoll in the low-residency MFA program at Pacific University, and my daughter graduated from the famous creative writing program at Interlochen Academy, which Driscoll founded.
His fiction brings up so many timely issues, including toxic masculinity, the mounting epidemic of “deaths of despair” among men without college degrees, and the way climate change is affecting the lives of people living way up north.
But first I wanted to talk about kindness.
Sharon Harrigan:Some writers run their writing workshops like a “bloodbath.” (I won’t name names.) There’s this idea that you have to weed out people who are too weak.
Jack Driscoll: I think it’s Tony Hoagland who referred to workshop as “the spectacle of maggots condescending to a corpse,” which I thought was just hilarious. But, really, he’s talking about the wrecking ball approach of many workshops. And for me, the positive propels and the negative retards.
SH:You mean comments given with kindness instead of cruelty make people better writers?
JD: Yes. And I say that because I learned so much more by my attention being directed to what I was doing well, instead of lingering in the morass of so much negativity.
SH: Does the world need more kindness?
JD: Absolutely. I don’t know where it’s gone. But it seems to me that meanness does not heal and kindness does.
SH: And we sure need some healing. Some pundits say that maybe if we as a society hadn’t been so dismissive of this demographic, they wouldn’t have responded with so much outrage, and we wouldn’t be so divided as a country. You treat your working class characters with kindness and compassion. What is it that draws you to write about these kind of characters?
JD: Let me answer the question in a larger context first, just about writing characters per se. I quote people all the time. It’s a ritual of mine to wave back and give an acknowledgement of what I learned from reading them. One of them is Raymond Carver, and he says that the fiction that counts is about people. And it seems to me the recognition of an attempt to enter any character’s reality is in fact the fiction writer’s business. It’s what we do, and to do it convincingly is to understand what they’re thinking and feeling and why. In other words, to enter as deeply as possible into the character’s mind and heart, which is what I try to do.
SH: How do you know so much about these kinds of people?
JD: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t be writing about them if I didn’t. If you’re going to write honestly and compassionately and convincingly about people, you better know them well.
We’ve just been talking about me as the founding father of the creative writing major at Interlochen Center for the Arts. Pretty nice. But, when I was hired in 1975, I was working as a grunt on a construction crew—my MFA tucked away, which I never once mentioned. But had I, my coworkers likely would’ve nicknamed me school marm or some such thing. Though, I assure you, in good humor, we drank beers after work, we played pool, we dropped coins in a jukebox, we laughed a lot. Good guys, sometimes rough around the edges, and I love that about them too.
Other blue-collar jobs of mine included bailing rags in a mill in Holyoke, Massachusetts, and which to a large degree defined, in my growing up, this place I lived as a working class town. Stints as a busboy and dishwasher earlier on. I cut and split firewood after that. One summer I drove a Ding Dong ice cream truck.
SH: So you come by your knowledge honestly.
JD: I do.
And when I moved to Michigan, I was not going to learn my way, to the waterways and the woods, from anybody in the academy. My guide was going to have to be somebody local, born and raised there. So I hung around with them a lot and got to know them well.
SH: And your father owned a bar.
JD: Yeah. Well, it’s just astounding. He worked 364 days a year, 16 hours a day, believing he could leverage for his five children, and he did, a better place in the world by providing each of us a college education, something he knew next to nothing about other than mine being the first generation that was expected to go to college. And from him, I learned—though I didn’t know him very well, because he was always working—I did learn from him a certain gracefulness and maybe more importantly, a labor-intensive, hardcore work ethic that has served me well.
SH: You write a lot about something close to my heart: absent fathers. You don’t dismiss them or look down on them. There’s the one in “Gracie and Devere,” for instance. He’s divorced and the mother has put a restraining order on him, he hasn’t paid child support, and yet he redeems himself by rescuing his twin girls. He’s a deadbeat dad, but that’s not his whole story.
It’s possible that a writer goes through an entire career writing under the momentum of one or two obsessions.
JD: We have to take people on their own terms. The way to divine fully formed characters the reader can care about is to love these characters out of all proportion, not for the trouble they let loose on the world, not for the doofuses they sometimes turn out to be, but because of those failings. And it does, I think, at least in the story “Gracie and Devere,” help to define this father who has been labeled almost entirely in negative ways.
It’s possible that a writer goes through an entire career writing under the momentum of one or two obsessions. That’s just a theory, but certainly it holds true for me. I came to understand this by reading reviews of my own work.
SH: Another theme is boys and men who need to prove their toughness. For instance, in the story “Wanting Only To Be Heard,” a boy claims that if Houdini can do something, they should try to do it. There’s also a nude calendar in an ice fishing shanty that plays a big role in the boys’ imaginations, as if they’re showing off for this naked lady. This peer pressure to “man up” causes a lot of self-harm.
I just saw the movie Women Talking by Sarah Polley, and one of the takeaways is that a world in which boys and men are expected to inflict violence is a world that’s bad for those boys and men, not just for the girls and women. Your stories also seem to address that kind of toxic masculinity.
JD: These are young kids, and I write a lot about adolescents. What the young narrator in “Wanting Only to Be Heard” experiences is an awareness of human loneliness and his being complicit in it and emptier for it. And this is the toll you want to exact on the reader, equal at least to what I felt during its composition and what this young narrator is feeling in its aftermath. And a large part of the reason these boys do this is because of the world they grow up in. It’s not a place they’ve chosen to be. It’s the only world they know, and they’re conditioned by it.
SH: The world we live in constricts and defines us. Which is why place and landscape are so important in your stories.
JD: Oftentimes, these are hard living, hardworking, underprivileged, deprived characters. Garth Greenwell says, “Consciousness has to be embedded in a particular place, a particular time. And one sign of the success of a piece of writing is the extent to which I feel immersed in a physical environment.” My response to that quote would be: Right, both feet on the ground, because place isn’t merely a backdrop against which the action occurs. It’s everything. Ortega Y Gasset says, “Tell me the place in which you live, and I will tell you who you are.”
It’s not a place they’ve chosen to be.
I’ve always maintained that there’s nothing more fatiguing in this life than boredom. And boredom is what these kids have in the dead of winter in Northern Michigan, socked in by snow and cold that never ceases and isolates the towns for six months. To break the cycle, the boredom, well, these kids get ideas, as they do in “Wanting Only to Be Heard,” as you just pointed out, and in “Gracie and Devere,” the twin girls wait for their mother to go to work, and then they take off and they get themselves in trouble. Boredom is what provides for the dramatic action. One of our standing jokes about Michigan’s upper peninsula is it’s where summer is known locally as three months of lousy sledding.
In other words, try and locate my stories elsewhere and see what happens. Well, we already know. They no longer exist.
SH: But what I love is that, even though they are so specific to their place, and maybe the boredom there is an extreme example, there are so many other places where young people are bored for other reasons and drop out of school and get into trouble.
Right here in Charlottesville where I live, someone was quoted in my local paper today saying, “These young men are picking up guns because they have nothing else to do with their time.”
JD: Exactly. And the other thing about place is that these boys are too young to leave. So they’re acting out in ways they do to make them feel important, feel larger, feel even legendary. There’s that explicit tension that’s created by what the place provides and what it can’t possibly give. There’s a whole body of literature that speaks precisely to this tension to stay or leap the fence and light out elsewhere. We see it in the characters of James Baldwin, for example, or the ending words of John Updike’s classic Rabbit, Run, the first of the trilogy. And I probably have this a little bit wrong, but it’s something like, “Ah, run, run.”
So all of these things are at work simultaneously. My theory is that the more local it becomes, the better you can orient your reader to this particular place in time, the more universal it becomes.
SH: As writers, we’re now supposed to do our own promotion, so we have to be online. But you’re not on social media at all. I wish I had the courage to pull out. I really admire that.
JD: Well, I think you’re in a real minority on this one. But you are right I have no interest in or aptitude for technology, and it’s a difficult place to find oneself. It hasn’t been easy.
But, here’s what I remember, and it’s stuck with me: years and years ago, I remember reading about a Microsoft researcher who coined the phrase, “Continuous partial attention.” And if this doesn’t stand anathema to the level of intense focus and concentration that defines this writing life we serve, then nothing does. As people have said to me, mostly the younger generation, but not entirely, whenever they see me confounded by my inability to do anything on the computer, “Welcome to the new world.” But it never felt welcoming to me, and it still doesn’t. And mostly, it just feels like distraction, the media circus of self-promotion and how our attention is redirected to so much that matters not at all, or at least not to me.
And so, no, I stand with Miloš who says about writing, “When we go into ourselves, it’s a secret quiet thing that we do.” And technology seems to come head first into a collision with me on that front. And in other words, my feeling has always been, if you’re going to be secret and quiet and fully concentrated in this way, and unambitious for the spotlight, for the wine and cheese, but rather for the work itself, then the rest, I’m pretty sure, will take care of itself.
When my brother calls it’s about his daughter, Didi. She is seventeen, out of control. Total nightmare to be around. Lacks respect for the rules. Out all night with friends he doesn’t know, with boys she’s just met.
“She came home at three thirty this morning in a pair of high heels,” he says. “Last week she returned without any shoes at all.”
It’s not just her footwear. Don’t even get him started about her shorts. Her shirts, too. Too short, too tight, big bold words printed across the front: Juicy and Unwrap Me and the one that stunned him into silence, drove him to pick up the phone and call me: Save Water, Shower with Someone’s Boyfriend.
I laugh. It’s not funny, he tells me. Nothing about this is funny.
He’s tried everything. He’s bought her new clothes. T-shirts—thick T-shirts, cotton T-shirts—and by the next day she’s taken liberties with the scissors. Gashes across the back. A deep V into the neck. The arms are gone, the front tied in a knot above her belly button. Which is pierced. Did he mention that? That his daughter lay flat on her back to let some guy drive a hole through her stomach with a needle he sterilized on his stove?
“Her mother,” he says. Her poor mother. She doesn’t even know what to do anymore. At wit’s end. Haunted by images of Didi facedown in a ditch, shirt up over her head, her body bloody and cold.
What my brother doesn’t say and what we both know: he doesn’t deserve a child like this, but I probably do. Maybe I feel bad for her. Maybe I sense in this phone call that he wants to send her away to a place far off in the wilderness, far away from everything, to dig ditches in the desert or climb mountains with other troubled teens. All in the name of tough love.
“Okay,” I say, “fine. Send her here. Just for a month. Just to reset.”
Immediately, I regret it, realizing my brother is probably taking advantage of me.
My husband tells me I’m being paranoid, a little selfish.
“It’s just a month,” he says. “We can do anything for a month.”
When Didi arrives, I take a week off from work, leave my lab in the hands of my graduate students, give them a single instruction: don’t let anything die. The first thing I notice is that Didi is small, makes herself even smaller by curling up on a single couch cushion. She crosses her arms even when standing in large rooms. Tucks her legs under her body when she sits at the kitchen table, pushes her silverware under the lip of her dinner plate to take up even less space. Everything about her is scrunched, compact. And there is no sign of those clothes. What Didi wears is boring at best, nothing worth commenting on or worrying about. Ill-fitting blue jeans. Baggy tank tops. Sometimes she wears a baseball hat that comes down over her ears and makes her look even younger than she is.
Still, no matter what she wears, Didi’s days are no longer her own. I take her with me to run errands. I tour her around Westport. We see movies in the middle of the day. I drive her out to the beach so she can see the Pacific coast. Just once, because I can’t help it, I take her to the lab with me so I can check on the shipment of mantis shrimp that has just arrived. I show her one of the buckets, a single shrimp inside it. People are normally surprised by how big they are, but Didi doesn’t move away, doesn’t wince, so I pick one up.
“This thing has the fastest animal movement on the planet,” I tell her. “They use this appendage like a crossbow. Wind it up real tight and then let it go, killing prey in a single whack.”
“You do tests on them?” she asks. “Like experiments and things?”
I nod. “We’ve clocked that movement at eighty-three miles an hour.”
“Does it hurt them? When you test?”
I return the shrimp to the bucket. I don’t tell her about our next study, the one our lab is already behind on, where we will remove their eyes from their bodies to better understand how they see color.
“Well,” I say. “We’re getting better at controlling for that.”
At home, Didi reads. Occasionally she’ll get up to get a glass of water, to fetch something to eat, to find a sunnier spot in the house. She tears through the books she’s brought. Biographies of musicians. Short histories of Western philosophy. When she finally puts the books down to come to the table and eat, she asks lofty questions. How can we all be more like Simone Weil? Like Mother Teresa? I bite my lip. When she finishes philosophizing, Didi offers impulsive confessions. She’s never swum in a lake before. She’s never been on a roller coaster that goes backward. She taught herself to ride a bike.
At the end of the first week, I tell Evan I think it is going to be okay. “She’s a little weird,” I say, “but it might actually be fun to have her around.” I climb into bed beside him. I run my hand across his chest and hold on to his shoulder. Even though he’s showered, he still smells like the nursery—the trees he repots, the garden herbs he sells to customers.
“I don’t know,” Evan says. “Something about her makes me nervous.”
“What do you mean?”
“Have you noticed—” he says. He stops. We listen as a door down the hall opens and closes. Didi is in the bathroom. He lowers his voice to a whisper. “It’s like she’s set up mirrors all around her. Like she’s constantly watching herself every time she moves.”
The next morning I call my brother. I ask him if he is sure he sent the right child.
“Don’t let your guard down,” he says. “This is what she does.”
In Didi’s second week, I return to the lab because two of our specimens have already died and my graduate students can’t figure out why. Before I leave, I write my office number on a piece of paper. Under it, my cell phone number and the number to the department just in case she can’t reach me and needs to leave a message with the lab assistant. I magnet it to the refrigerator and tell her it is there. She says she’ll call if she needs anything.
“Or just let Evan know,” I tell her. “He took the day off, so he’ll be around.”
When I return that afternoon, I find her in the living room, curled up on a single cushion of the couch. She barely looks up from the book in her lap when I walk in. Finally, when I interrupt her, she turns to face me, blinks her eyes.
“Fine,” she says, as though this word speaks to an entire day.
When I pry, she sighs, puts her finger between the pages to save her place, and shows me the cover. Another biography. A ballet dancer I’ve never heard of.
“Do you still dance?” I ask her, remembering all the recitals I missed.
“No,” she says. “I quit when I was ten.” “You used to love it,” I say.
She shrugs. “I was bored. And everyone else got better.”
She puts the book on the couch and gets up to go to the fridge.
“Should we go to the pool?” I ask. I’m doubting even her belly button ring now. I think maybe my brother has made that up as well. “Free swim starts at seven.”
Didi returns from the kitchen. She has an apple in her hand.
“I didn’t bring a bathing suit,” she says.
“I have lots. You can borrow one.”
Didi scans me from head to toe, takes a bite of her apple.
“Or we could run down to the mall,” I say, “and get you a new one if you want.”
“I’m good,” she says. She picks up the book and keeps reading.
“Where’d that come from?” I ask. “I don’t remember buying apples.”
“Grocery store,” she says. “I walked down there today.” “Alone?” I ask.
“Yeah.”
“The whole way?”
“It’s not that far.”
“I must have been on the phone with my parents,” Evan says that night as he clears the table. “I didn’t even know she was gone.”
“You can’t do that,” I whisper. “When you’re here, you have to watch her.” My hands are deep in soapy water, and I am scrubbing the forks with a sponge.
“Val, she’s seventeen,” he says, slipping our dirty plates into the sink.
“You said you were okay with this. You said you were fine using your sick days, keeping an eye on her.”
“And I did. We had lunch together. I checked on her twice. I made some calls. She read.”
He dips a washcloth in the water, wipes the counter, and moves to the table.
“But we agreed you’d call me if she needed something. And you even said that you were a little worried. That whole mirror thing. You were concerned.”
“We didn’t need anything. I talked to my parents. Called my sister. Anyway, it was the middle of the day. How much trouble can she actually get in?”
I turn to him, hands soapy.
“That’s not the point,” I say.
“Then what is the point?”
“That something could have happened to her. That she could have gotten into trouble.”
“Like what?” he says. “It’s Westport. It’s not like we live in the most thrilling place.”
He hangs the wet washcloth on the hook above the sink. I grab his hand, but he doesn’t look at me.
“What does that have to do with it?” I say.
“It’s nothing. I’m just saying there isn’t much trouble for her to get into here. It’s quiet.”
“You mean boring. You mean it’s not Chicago.”
Finally, he turns to me.
“Listen, can we just drop this? Please? She’s fine. We’re fine. Maybe tomorrow we can set up a camera and you can observe us both from work, turn us into one of your little experiments, make sure we’re doing everything exactly the way you want us to.”
“Don’t mock me,” I say.
The mirror thing. I want Evan to explain it further. I want him to point it out to me so I can see what he sees because all I see is a girl pulling her knees to her chin, her arms around her shins. Like she’s trying to tuck in her heart. She takes up less and less space at the table each morning. Sits on her hands as we watch movies in the living room. When she takes popcorn from the bowl she chooses one kernel at a time. She lets it dissolve in her mouth before she chews. When I go into her bedroom each morning, it looks like she hasn’t shifted in bed, like she didn’t move from the first place her body touched. This morning, when I look in on her, I see she is sleeping on top of the quilt with no covers at all.
All I see is a girl pulling her knees to her chin, her arms around her shins. Like she’s trying to tuck in her heart.
When she comes out, I am at the table eating breakfast and I ask her if the bed is okay, if she is comfortable in the guest room. She says yes, it’s great. She hasn’t slept so well in a long time.
“Do you not sleep well at home?” I ask.
“Not really,” she says. “Mom refuses to run the AC.”
“Are you too warm here?” I ask. “We can put the AC on at night.”
“That’s okay. I’m mostly comfortable,” she says. “Although I might open my window a little tonight, if you don’t mind.”
When I get home from the lab they are both on the couch watching the TV on mute. I am late; at the end of the day, I successfully removed a specimen’s hard, bead-like eye, but when I tried to transfer it to a test tube, rushing, it popped out and I lost it. On the TV, I see footage of an attack somewhere in Iran, and Didi is telling Evan about the Iranian poet she has been reading. He looks genuinely interested. I don’t interrupt. Instead, I put my bag down quietly, taking a seat on the chair beside Evan, and listen as she talks about the way the poet broke a traditional form to make a political statement about the injustice of the current regime. When Didi finishes, she goes to her bedroom to get her coat, and Evan raises his eyebrows and mouths wow. He leans over to kiss me on my forehead, my nose, my lips, and when Didi returns we all walk into town for pizza.
The waiter is excited to see us. He scolds Evan and me for not coming more often, and he welcomes Didi to town, to the restaurant. He tells her everything on the menu is good, that she can’t go wrong, which is exactly the same thing he tells us every time we come here. Whatever we order, it is always, in his words, a very fine choice.
Didi defers to us. She will eat anything, she says, and so we order two pizzas and a salad to share. As we wait, I try not to watch the TV behind Didi and Evan where they are showing the aftermath of the bombing. It’s bad. More than four hundred dead. They keep showing the same image of a young boy with a bloody face. I’m certain it’s not his blood. His face isn’t at all scratched, but the boy is clearly stunned. I try to refocus on Evan and Didi’s conversation. He is wondering about future plans. Has she thought about college?
“Not a lot,” she says. “I’m thinking about taking a gap year.”
“Be careful,” Evan says. “Those don’t always work out.”
He is speaking from experience. She asks him what he means.
“I had plans,” he says. “I was going to backpack around Europe with my girlfriend. Take the train from Spain to Italy to Germany. Up through Scandinavia. Had it all planned out. Had the plane ticket in my pocket. Two weeks out and she dumps me. Turns out she had applied to college and was going to Boston without me. She was waiting to tell me until all her financial aid came through. That trip abroad? That was her backup plan. I was her backup plan.”
“So you didn’t go?” Didi asks. “Why didn’t you just go alone?”
“Wasn’t like that. Wasn’t about the trip. It was about her. Us.”
“And the girlfriend?”
Evan looks at me with a grin.
“She came running back, eventually.”
“No!” Didi says. “It was you! You did that to him, Aunt Val?! That’s so cruel!”
Evan smiles even wider and turns back to Didi.
“I was okay,” he says. “She did the smart thing.”
The waiter delivers both pizzas and the salad to the table. He serves us each our first piece. We toast with our water glasses.
“To gap years,” I say, and they both laugh.
“Well,” Evan says, “you’ve heard my warning. But what do you have planned? Hopefully nothing with a cruel-hearted high school sweetheart.”
Didi shakes her head.
“No,” she says. “Nothing like that. I don’t even know really. I just thought it might be nice to have a break from school for a little bit.”
She picks the mushrooms off her pizza. Puts them in a tidy pile on the side of her plate.
“It’s kind of nice here,” she says, not looking up at us. She moves on to the sausage, puts it in a separate pile. “It’s quiet, at least. Not as hot as Texas.”
She cuts her crust into bird-sized bites and chews one slowly.
Calculated, I think. Maybe that’s what Evan means with the whole mirror thing. Every move. Every word. Every gesture. It is all very calculated.
“Yeah, Westport is nice,” Evan says.
The waiter returns. He asks Didi if everything is okay. If there was something wrong with the pizza. If he can get her anything else.
“It was so good,” she says, handing him the plate, her pizza picked over but not eaten. “So delicious.”
At the end of the meal, I suggest we walk home and have dessert on the porch. It is a beautiful night. A coastal breeze has come inland. We pay up. As we leave, the waiter runs after us with the box of pizza we left on the table. He apologizes to Didi again, is concerned she hasn’t had enough to eat.
“I’m worried you will float away,” he says.
She promises him she had plenty to eat. She pats her stomach to convince him.
As we walk home, Didi and Evan are back on the Iranian poet. More lofty questions: What do you think is the role of the poet during such violence? What is the role of any artist, for that matter?
At home, Evan brings a bottle of wine onto the porch.
Didi says she needs to call her parents.
“It’s only eight,” I say. “Come eat pie with us.”
“I promised I’d check in.”
“One piece. Look,” I say, holding up the plate. “From the bakery. Look how beautiful it is.”
She agrees, reluctantly. On the porch, she sits on the edge of her seat, picking at the cherries while Evan and I each take a second piece, a second glass of wine. She finishes it though, the entire slice of pie. And then she clears our dishes for us. I hear her at the sink washing them. She comes back out to say she’s turning in. She’s going to go to her room, call her dad. She will probably read after that.
I smile at her. “Tell him we say hi.”
Evan and I talk about our days—the shipment of hostas that arrived at the garden center, how he had to unload them alone; how I lost the shrimp eye and am behind on our data collection—and I hear Didi’s voice coming through the night. It’s soft, but I can tell it’s the voice of someone who is happy. It’s also a young voice. So young. Almost babyish, as though she is talking to a dog, coaxing it to her with a treat. Her window is open. I stop talking. I am straining to hear her words.
“Hello?” Evan says, waving in my direction. “Where are you, Val?”
“Have you ever heard a girl talk to her parents like that? In a voice like that?”
“You would be a terrible mother,” he says.
“Wouldn’t I? Overbearing. Overprotective.”
“A total spy,” he says.
This has been a joke between us. I don’t believe it is untrue.
“Still,” I say. “Admit it. It’s a little weird. The whole thing at dinner. Picking at her food like that.”
He admits it. Yes, it was strange. We stay up late, long after Didi’s voice goes quiet and her light shuts off.
“You had to tell her that story,” I say. I am smiling.
“We could still do it,” he says. “Take a gap year. Travel around by train. Find ourselves and all that.”
This isn’t the first time he has proposed the idea. He brought it with him when he eventually followed me to Boston. And to Minneapolis for grad school. And to Chicago for my postdoc. And now here to Westport for my job. For him to bring it up now, I know it means he is bored, restless, generally unsatisfied with the fact that we have landed in a town he doesn’t like but is, once again, making work.
“Maybe for my sabbatical,” I say.
“In five years?” he asks, exasperated.
I know it is the wrong thing to say. His has been the harder path, I know this. The constant moving. The random jobs he’s accepted not because they will lead anywhere but because they pay rent. The year working construction in Boston. The year as a substitute teacher. Three years waiting tables. And now the garden center, where he works alongside high school students, unloading trees and plants, hauling them into place at the nursery and then hauling them into the cars and trucks of customers.
“What if I had gone?” Evan asks. It is his attempt at a lofty question. “What if I had boarded that plane and spent the year traveling alone? What if I hadn’t been there when you came home that first Christmas?”
I have no answer. I sip my wine.
I look in on Didi after midnight, just before I go to bed, and she is there, her back to the wall, curled up in a ball, the window open, the breeze cool, covers pushed to the bottom of the bed.
I remember a neighbor in Chicago. A woman with triplets, all boys, eighteen months old. We had just moved in, and I was unpacking boxes one day when she came running to our door. She was locked out. She had slipped out to have a cigarette—Not even a full one, she said. Just two drags—and the door clicked behind her. Her boys were inside. She had already called the landlord. He was on the way with a key. We stood at her living room window and watched her triplets slink around on their stomachs, rise to their hands and knees, and begin to crawl. There was no gate to the kitchen. The bathroom door was wide-open. A set of wooden stairs led to the second floor. She was crying, cursing herself for being so stupid, for being so careless, tapping on the window, trying to get the boys to look at her. I grabbed a rock from the yard. If they get too close to the kitchen or the stairs, I told her, I’ll put it through the window. She nodded. She sang to the boys through the glass. They crawled toward us. They smiled at their mother. They extended their arms, wanting to be picked up. They cried. Finally, the landlord arrived with the key, and I walked back to my house with a racing heart, the heavy rock still in my hand, thinking this must be what parenthood is like all the time.
In the morning, before I leave for work, I knock gently. It’s supposed to reach ninety degrees today, and my plan is to go to the lab for a few hours, come home at lunch, and bring Didi to the store so she can get a bathing suit and we can spend the afternoon at the lake. That’s what my calendar says will happen.
I knock again, but Didi doesn’t respond, and so I knock a little louder, and then I let myself in. She isn’t there. I’m thinking that she must have slipped into the bathroom after me. She woke early because she went to sleep early. I move down the hall to the bathroom, but she isn’t there either. I check the back porch, which is as we left it last night. Two wineglasses. An empty bottle of red.
Even when I say it to Evan it doesn’t really seem possible.
Her clothes. Her makeup. Gone. Her shampoo is gone from the shower. Her retainer from the bathroom sink. Hair ties. Everything, gone.
There’s nothing in the closet, no shoes by the door, and all I can say—all I can think to say—is, “She was just here, she was just here. She can’t just disappear.”
Evan already has the phone in his hand. He is calling Didi, and I can hear the phone ring. It goes to voice mail, a mechanical female voice rattling off the digits of Didi’s number. Evan hangs up.
“Try again,” I tell him.
“Val,” he says.
“Do it,” I tell him.
He is scrolling through names in his contact list. He presses my brother’s name.
“No,” I say, taking the phone from him. “Not yet.”
“Maybe he’s heard from her. Maybe she said something last night when she talked to him.”
“She didn’t call him last night,” I say. “No girl talks to her father with a voice like that. You heard her. You heard that voice.”
He nods. He knows I’m right.
We sit on the couch and think of all the possibilities, and then Evan leaves the house to check the bus stop, every business in town.
Before he closes the door, almost as an afterthought, he instructs me to do what I already know I must: “Call your brother.”
Of course he hasn’t heard from her.
While he yells at me, I walk out onto the driveway and stand there as though she’ll show up while I’m on the phone, so I can tell him it’s all been a big mistake, a huge misunderstanding. I consider all the things my brother has told me about her, all the things he’s telling me again.
Teenagers do this stuff every day, I hear myself telling him. Teenagers disappear and come back when they’re hungry.
She’s not a dog, he is saying. She’s not a goddamn dog.
“I just mean—”
“I thought things were going well. I thought everyone was having a great time.”
“They were,” I say. “We are.”
It goes on like this until Evan returns, without Didi, and he gets out of the car and tells me there’s no sign of her anywhere, that it might be time to call the police.
Two officers arrive within minutes. I have seen one of them—the woman—in uniform, walking up and down streets, putting tickets on people’s windshields. How I hated her in those moments when she just stood watching the meter, counting down, waiting for the time to run out, so she could print a ticket and slide it under the wiper. Now, it’s not hate I feel but an intense need to speak directly to her rather than the other officer—a man I’ve never seen before.
“My niece is gone,” I say as she leads me back inside, taking out her notepad and her pen, asking me to tell them when we last saw her, who in the area she knows, how long she has been here, what she was last wearing.
“What does that matter?” I reply. “What she was wearing?”
The woman looks at me. She doesn’t skip a beat.
“For identification purposes,” she says. Before I can apologize, Evan is trying to describe her clothes. Baggy jeans. Loose T-shirts. Sometimes a ball cap. As he speaks, all I can think is, Please let her be okay. Please, please. Let this nice woman, Officer Peterson, find her.
The police ask to look around. They are in and out of our bedroom. In and out of Didi’s room. The bathroom. The porch. They ask about the bottle of wine. The glasses. They check windows and doors. I follow them around the house. I follow this woman, especially. She inquires about locks and alarm systems.
“Do you always keep it open?” she says of Didi’s window.
It takes me a second to make sense of her question. “You think someone came in and took her?” I ask.
“We have to consider everything,” she says. “But between you and me, I doubt it.”
I want this woman to tell me again and again in her matter-of-fact voice, just as she’s telling me now: “Listen, this happens a lot. Teenagers leave. Disappear for a day or two. They usually show up.”
And that’s what I was trying to say to my brother. Not that they return when they’re hungry but that they usually show up.
“Her father thinks she’s a bad kid, but he’s wrong,” I say. “She tries to make herself small. She moves from one sunny spot to another all day, reading biographies of ballerinas and books about Iranian poets. And when she moves, it’s like she’s set up mirrors all around her. Like she’s always watching herself.”
Officer Peterson looks up from her pad. “What do you mean?” she says.
I don’t tell her that I think Didi’s actions seem calculated, borderline manipulative. I don’t want her to think badly of my niece. I don’t want to think badly of her.
I don’t tell her that I think Didi’s actions seem calculated, borderline manipulative.
“I only mean that she’s careful,” I say. “Incredibly alert.”
I catch her looking behind me, beyond me, and I turn and see Evan showing the other officer where we store the bikes. The shed is full, both bikes parked in their separate corners.
I pick up the phone because it is ringing, and I am certain it will be Didi. But it’s my brother, and he is listing off times, and I am confused until I realize he is on a computer, looking at flights, booking something to Portland.
My brother has never been on a plane. He rarely leaves east Texas. He works on the oil rig where our father worked, where our grandfather worked. He has taken care of our sick parents. Has given everything he has to his daughter. Has worked long hours to give her private dance lessons.
“Listen, you might be overreacting,” I tell him, trying to project calm, trying to remain confident. “She’ll probably show up.”
He hangs up on me.
The police leave. I go into Didi’s room. I pull back the covers on the bed. I look for anything she might have left behind, any kind of clue. Suddenly I am furious at my brother. He knew. He knew she would do this, and he sent her here anyway. Surely he is also a little responsible for this. I pick up the pillow. I pull the sheets taut. I make the bed. She was here just last night. Sleeping in this bed. Evan is beside me now.
“We’ll find her,” he says.
It’s a trope, I tell him. It’s a cliché. Girls always disappear. They make themselves small, and then they disappear.
“And if they don’t disappear, they go insane. That’s it. Those are the only two options we get.”
“I thought the cliché was that girls were always in pursuit of boys,” Evan says.
“So we have three options!” I yell.
That I am mad at him is inexplicable, incomprehensible. This isn’t his fault. No more than it is my fault. And yet, I think, if only he had been less cavalier about the whole thing, had been more concerned about the walk to the grocery store, her coy voice on the phone.
His hands are on my shoulders. His fingers are pushing at the muscles, only he’s missing the muscle and hitting the bone, and I shrug off his hands and walk away, down the hall, into the kitchen, where the dishes have been washed and are sitting neatly in the drying rack. He is behind me.
“She knew,” I say. “Last night when we went for pizza, and she ate pie with us, and she cleared our plates, and she washed them. She had already planned to leave. I know it.”
“She knew the second she arrived, Val.”
I don’t want this to be true. I don’t want to believe it.
Evan is going to retrace our steps.
“From the last three weeks?” I ask. “All of them?”
“You stay,” he says, kissing me on the forehead. “In case she comes back.”
My brother calls again. He asks for our address. He wants to know how he is supposed to get from the airport to our house, which is an hour and a half away.
“Rent a car,” I say.
And because I know what he is thinking, I tell him we’ll pay for it.
Evan and I sit on the porch. We wait. This is what you do on the first day while you wait for a teenager to return, which they usually do, almost always do.
You check the local newspaper headlines.
You drive around the neighborhood.
You turn on the TV in the middle of the day, expecting to see her face, her body.
You try to distract yourself with small tasks.
You create false deadlines. She will be back by noon. And when she doesn’t arrive, it’s by three. Then dinner becomes your arbitrary marker, and you push dinner later and later until your husband puts a burger and fries in front of you.
You feel you shouldn’t eat it.
You feel you don’t deserve it.
But you eat it because you haven’t eaten all day and you are hungry.
I watch my brother, a short, balding man with a beard, get out of the car. He looks different. Older and tired and more like our father than I have ever noticed.
I expect the trunk to pop open, for him to pull out his suitcase, but instead I see my brother swing a backpack over one shoulder as he walks to where I am standing at the front door. And now I am crying. Because all he’s brought is a backpack. Because it’s been three years since I’ve seen him. Because his daughter is missing. Because it’s his first time on an airplane, for this. Because he warned me, and I didn’t believe him.
He wraps his arms around me, and I feel like I don’t deserve this either. His comfort. But I take it. It has always been this way with us. Fierce on the phone. Quick with blame. All of that gone when we see each other.
That night, we all pretend to sleep, and in the morning, while I’m still in bed, covers pulled up around my face, eyes closed because I am tired, I hear Evan in the bathroom. He is showering. Shaving. I hear the toothbrush against the sink. And then he is standing at the closet. He is dressing. I sit up in bed.
“You can’t,” I say, but I know as soon as I say it that he will. He has to. If he calls in sick again he will lose his job.
The police station is empty. Just a small waiting room with three seats. An officer sits behind a desk. I hope my brother is comforted by how quiet it is in here. I hope he feels, as I do, that this nice man behind the counter is going to help us. I tell him that my brother has just arrived, that my niece hasn’t been seen in over thirty-six hours, and that we need to talk with Officer Peterson.
“She’s not on duty,” he says. “You’ll have to talk with me.” My brother stands with his hands in his pockets. As he talks with this new officer, I listen.
Yes, she has done this before, many times, about a year ago it started. Every few months. Out all night. Gone for days at a time. Once much longer—more than a week. That was during winter break.
I look at him. What he is saying—none of it makes sense. It’s not the same girl, I want to say.
After we leave the police station, we stop for coffee, and when we get back in the car, I make the absurd offer to give him a tour of town. Maybe a drive out to the beach. He has never seen the Pacific Ocean.
“I told you. You couldn’t take your eyes off her. I told you. You can’t leave her alone.”
“We were sleeping,” I say.
“Before that? All those other days?”
I lie: “We never left her side.”
We go home and sit on the stoop outside the house, waiting. I ask him about his job, and he says what he always says: it’s a paycheck. He asks me about mine, and I go on for too long and in too much detail about how we think mantis shrimp have a different kind of color vision, how we’re trying to get a reading from photoreceptor cells but can’t even fit a recording device onto them because they’re so small. When I look at him, I can see I’ve lost him.
“She wants to come live here next year,” I say. “After she graduates, if she decides to take a gap year.”
“Is that what she told you?” he says.
I nod. I’m trying to gauge whether he is hurt or angry or relieved, but he just shakes his head. He laughs a little.
“She doesn’t have enough credits to graduate next year,” he says. “She’s still considered a sophomore.”
We sit for a long time, watching cars drive by the house. Across the street two dogs bark at the fence. The owner comes out. Tells them to get inside, to cut it out. A kid rides by on a bike. Another one follows on a skateboard. They are singing a song that is popular this summer, one that is played over and over on the radio.
Evan comes home at 5:15. He doesn’t say it, but I can tell he has had a bad day. He kisses me and pats my brother on the shoulder.
“Anything?” Evan asks.
“Nothing,” he says.
That evening, the police call. They ask us to come down to the station. They have a few more questions. They have something we should see.
We are in the car and down the road before anyone speaks.
“Did he say what it is?” Evan asks. “What they want to show us?”
“A picture of some kind,” my brother says. “They wouldn’t tell me more than that.”
A picture, I think. Of Didi alone? At the airport, boarding a plane? Getting into a strange car? Her body, my god. Would they ask us to come down to identify a picture of her body? Would they be so casual about it on the phone?
I hope, when we walk through the police station doors, that Officer Peterson will be there to greet us. She’s not. It’s a different officer. Someone we’ve never talked to before, and it’s my brother he needs to speak to. They disappear down the hall, and Evan and I sit on chairs in the waiting room. I reach for his hand.
“Was your day okay?” I ask.
He turns to me. I think he will tell me about the apple trees he pruned incorrectly or how he overfertilized an entire shipment of succulents. I’m expecting news of broken terra-cotta pots or bamboo sticks that never arrived.
“When you left,” he says, “this is what it felt like. Exactly like this.”
The officer behind the bulletproof window stretches, arms overhead, and yawns. It takes me longer than it should to realize we aren’t talking about Evan’s day, or the plants he tended to, or the nursery at all.
I shake my head. “You knew where I was going,” I say. “You could have called me. You could have come to visit whenever you wanted.”
“I’m not talking about college, Val. I’m talking about all those other times you disappeared, before you left for college—those nights you didn’t call, the weekends you just vanished. And later, all those research trips, how you extended them again and again, sometimes without even telling me, sometimes for weeks at a time.”
We have had this conversation before. More than once. Dozens of times. But I see something new in his face now, not a bitterness but a sadness, and I am convinced this is the first step to him leaving me—maybe for a year, maybe longer. Before I can say anything to talk him out of it, my brother is coming back down the hall, the officer behind him.
My brother shakes his head. “Wasn’t her,” he says, and I can see he is near tears, shocked by what he has been forced to look at.
We drive home in silence.
It all ends just as Officer Peterson promised.
We drive back to the house from the police station, and she is there. My brother is out of the car before I even come to a full stop. I sit in the driver’s seat while he goes to her. Evan doesn’t move. He sits beside me. We watch.
I wonder how many times this scene has played out. How many times has a girl returned to find no one is waiting for her?
And what is it you want to know? Whether my brother hits her? (He doesn’t.) Whether she is crying? (She isn’t.) Or do you want to know where she was, what she was doing? (She will refuse to say.) Is she harmed? (Not in any way that I can tell. No scrapes or bruises. No broken bones. No blood.)
Because you are wondering. Because people always wonder. Because under these circumstances, it matters what she is wearing, by which I mean it matters to me:
My clothes. A pair of jeans—black and tight and cropped. A white T-shirt, baggy and see-through, a baby-blue tank top underneath. Black summer sandals. Beige stitching at the seams. Thin leather straps that loop around her heels, hug her toes, and, I am certain, have left her blistered. I leave Evan in the car, and I go to her. I pull her to me. I feel her body against mine, rigid and small and hard. Her heart pounds against my palm. I fold her in. I tuck her in as close as I can and hold her for as long as she lets me. When she begins to pull away, I let go, certain there is nothing I can say, nothing I can do, to make her stay. So I do the only thing I can. I pull her hands out of her pockets. I push her shoulders back. I am not gentle.
While Finland is often depicted as a uniform country in which people are more likely to engage in cold-water swimming than small talk, the population is by no means homogenous, and there is no better place to see this than in the diversity of Finland’s contemporary literary scene.
Shaped by histories and narratives of exclusion and survival, Finnish authors are blurring the lines of genre to tell new stories in luminous, captivating prose. These prize-winning contemporary novels engage with the effects of war and inequality and offer deeply compelling explorations of what it means to be human.
The novel that I translated from Finnish to English is The Red Book of Farewells by Pirkko Saisio. With her experimental prose and long career starting in the 1970s, Pirkko Saisio can be seen as an influence on many of these writers. The Red Book of Farewells offers a beautiful portrait of a young woman finding her voice as a lesbian and writer in 1970s Helsinki.
Here are seven Finnish novels I consider essential reading:
Bolla by Pajtim Statovci, translated by David Hackston
Born to Albanian parents in Kosovo in 1990, Pajtim Statovci fled with his family to Finland when he was two. Themes of exile, identity, and war feature prominently in each of his novels, and in Bolla, his latest, he delivers a tragic love story with his characteristically beautiful and propulsive prose. Set in Kosovo in 1995, the story revolves around Arsim, a newly married university student, and Miloš, a Serb. The two meet one day in a café, and their attraction to one another leads them into a secret but doomed affair: Arsim is forced to flee the war with his family, and Miloš is sent to the front line. They meet again at the end of the novel, broken by their experiences and an unforgiving society that cannot accept them for who they are. The bolla, a snake-like creature from Albanian mythology, appears throughout as an ambivalent symbol of hope and forbidden desire.
Like Statovci, Cristina Sandu grew up between two cultures, and she was born into a Finnish-Romanian family in Helsinki. In her second novel, she follows the lives of six young women who form a synchronized swim team in an unnamed Soviet bloc country in order to escape to the West. Once a tight unit always moving together in sync, they scatter to places like Helsinki, Rome, and California. These women do not necessarily find happiness or freedom; instead, their stories detail their aching inability to fit in, their desperate attempts to earn money and some semblance of security, and the vulnerability of being female. Each woman’s story delves deep into the heart of loneliness and the harsh realities of trying to survive in society as an outsider.
A Finnish-Estonian writer, in Purge Oksanen depicts the corrosive effects of fear, torture, and jealousy during Stalin’s purges and the post-war Soviet occupation of Estonia. The story centers on two women, Zara, a sex trafficking victim who manages to escape her captors, and Aliide, an elderly woman who reluctantly takes her in and has her own secrets to hide. Zara is looking for her grandmother Ingel’s home in Estonia, who as it turns out was Aliide’s sister. A chilling drama plays out between them as the chapters alternate between the horrors both women have suffered and their distrust of one another, and it is only at the end of the novel that readers find out whether Aliide will ultimately save her own flesh and blood.
When I Forgot by Elina Hirvonen, translated by Douglas Robinson
In Elina Hirvonen’s accomplished debut, a young journalist named Anna Louhiniitty is trying to come to terms with the trauma of her past: the years she has spent trying to protect her mentally ill older brother, Joona, and the generational trauma she has inherited from her family and the legacy of WWII. She is sitting in a café, attempting to read Michael Cunningham’s The Hours, given to her by her lover Ian, a visiting lecturer from the U.S. It’s just over a year after 9/11, and as Anna processes her memories, she also tells us Ian’s story, who has suffered his own trauma as a bullied child with a father who succumbed to mental illness in the Vietnam War. In Hirvonen’s lucid prose, Anna grapples with her painful memories, as well as those of Ian and her family, and slowly begins to find the words to name her experiences and accept them. As she ends her quiet afternoon in the café, she knows she can go on, one day at a time.
In this masterpiece, a photographer nicknamed Angel finds an abandoned troll cub by the trash cans outside his apartment building. He feels compelled to take the enchanting creature home, and so begins Angel’s obsession with his new companion, which in the novel’s world is a real but very rare species. The novel is interspersed with excerpts from reference works that Angel consults to learn about the troll as well as Finnish novels that highlight the uncomfortable, fearful relationship humans have with other animals. Told in the first person, the narrative perspective also changes and includes various other outsiders who are part of Angel’s world: Ecke, Angel’s young and eager suitor; Dr. Spiderman, Angel’s ex-boyfriend and a veterinarian, and Palomita, an abused Filipino mail-order bride who lives with Angel in the same building. As Angel’s obsession with the troll deepens, he takes ever more desperate steps to hide it, but ultimately he is unable to prevent the violent ending the troll brings about.
Veteran author Rosa Liksom delivers her darkest tale to date in this exploration of an unnamed woman enamored with fascism and her violent husband and idol known simply as “the Colonel.” The protagonist eagerly joins the Colonel on his trips to Germany in the late 1930s and early 1940s, a time when the Nazi top brass were supporting Finland in its efforts to rebuff Soviet advances on Finnish territory. However, the Nazis eventually turn against the Finns, and in his rage and disappointment, the Colonel becomes increasingly abusive towards his wife. Told in the first person, readers cannot escape the protagonist, who is by turns loathsome and sympathetic. Liksom based the colonel’s wife on a real person named Annikki Kariniemi and thus offers a fascinating portrait of a complex character from the beautiful wild lands of northern Finland.
White Hunger by Aki Ollikainen, translated by Emily and Fleur Jeremiah
This haunting debut novel takes place during the Finnish famine of 1867 which wiped out 15-20% of the population. This novel follows Marja and her young daughter and infant son on their journey south to Helsinki to find food, and the sparse, tightly-controlled prose is gripping in its relentless depiction of starvation and its effects: the desperate attempts to make bread out of lichen (often poisonous), pine bark, and even ground up bones; how a child’s long-empty belly bursts after eating too much thin gruel all at once; the dehumanization of Marja and her children who are abused and denied food and lodging again and again. Their misery is further emphasized by the story of two well-heeled brothers in Helsinki, one a doctor, and the other a government official, who remain personally unaffected by the mass starvation around them. All the while hunger blazes white through the long winter and constant blizzards, leaving only Marja’s infant son to survive the ordeal at the end.
Small presses have been publishing excellent work by writers who you may not know (yet). From compelling short stories to heart-wrenching novels, these books will take you on a journey across states and countries, into the past or to the future, as well as deep into the minds of richly-drawn characters.
Whether it is an adjunct having a doomed affair with a tenured professor after fixing her toilet, a woman who purchases a beautiful vintage piano only to deconstruct it as she grieves the loss of her partner, or a young woman who sleeps with her brother’s girlfriend and then forms a tight friendship with an older gay couple who passing through a hostel, the people in The Company of Strangers are all yearning. In trying to heal fractured families, form connection with romantic partners, and build community, these characters come alive. The collection includes both the small dramas of everyday life and defining moments—a sister gone missing as a child, a wedding missed on a cocaine bender that leads to an arrest, missed connections with would-be lovers because of the obligations of parenting. Despite varied perspectives in class and personas, there is a strong thread between the stories, as each delivers an emotional punch. A stunning accomplishment.
AK Press/Black Dawn: Maroons by Adrienne Maree Brown
The second book the three-part Grievers series continues to follow Dune, whose mother was patient zero in a viral outbreak engineered to target Black Americans, with Detroit as the epicenter. Even in the wake of a decimated community, Dune is persisting through the luck of immunity. They have a routine of foraging for food, documenting lost people, and building on a physical model of Detroit their father set up in the basement of the family home. Yet, when Dune hears an illicit radio transmission from Dawud, a national guardsman who has chosen to remain in the city long after his unit has left, they find his broadcasting location along with him as an ally, another living person in the city. As Dune finds connection with Dawud, and other survivors, the post-pandemic landscape takes on a quality that transcends subsistence living and moves into Black Detroiters reclaiming a landscape which white nationalists tried to destroy. Maroons veers into magical territory, but still stays grounded in a narrative with a sense of hope. Brown remains an innovative and important voice in fiction.
When David Mas Masumoto is contacted by a stranger regarding his maternal aunt Shizuko, he is at first slightly confused. From family, he has only heard whispers of Shizuko, who was institutionalized, and if the information is correct, she would now be ninety-three; it was assumed she was dead. Masumoto is a third-generation farmer in California’s central valley, and his family story is marked by generational poverty that is intertwined with the particular brand of racism against Asian Americans perpetuated by the 1924 Asian Exclusion Act and later Japanese internment camps. Shizuko, who contracted viral meningitis as a five-year old in 1924, had little access to health care and suffered permanent brain damage. There is a stark reminder in Secret Harvests of how precarious childhood was a century ago; for example even if her family had the means to access it, penicillin was not even invented until four years after Shizuko’s illness. With the patience of a farmer coaxing fruit from the vine, Masumoto unwinds his aunt’s story. A beautifully empathetic book.
After the death of her brother and in the wake of a divorce, this novel’s unnamed protagonist moves back to the family farm. Her father has rigged up a series of make-shift meat smokers that perpetually puff into the air; her deeply alcoholic mother is often drying out at a facility in Chicago. She sees the ghost of her dead brother, a grave-digger by trade in a town with a history of grave-digging, alongside fences, next to a meteor crater, and in visions. Her own son, teenaged, looks so much like her brother that the brother’s lover, Aphra, follows the son around. Much of Dog on Fire exists in a liminal space—between the living and the dead, between the just lit on fire and the almost-ash. It’s a comedy of errors in many ways, like when the protagonist and her son retrieve canine bones from the high school trash to absolve a crime, and when the protagonist fakes a séance. Svoboda’s most recent novel finds the pulse between the every day and the absurd. A richly imaged novel from a writer at the top of her form.
A woman gets an abortion just as her lover finally finds work, a mother drowns herself in alcohol and pills after her son is kidnapped, a young girl is abandoned by her mother who has made a dubious bargain with drug dealers. In these nine stories set across Nigeria, the United States, and one in France, women are faced with near constant threats against their very existence. There is danger all around them, from men they know and men they don’t, from bill collectors and hunger, and from a world that does not value them. The collection is threaded by leaving home as a choice or necessity, or by having home being so changed as to be unrecognizable. Yet, these characters are also gorgeously defiant: a teen mother when faced with constant questions about the “father” of her child reiterates the child is hers, even after being kicked out by her own mother. Ajọsẹ-Fisher’s characters act in ways that are true to their hearts, even if that means feeding grief instead of burying it. Full of precise detail, No God Like The Mother is storytelling at its best.
When Nani—the seventeen-year-old middle child in a loving if sometimes complicated family—loses her father and her older sister in the same year, she takes it arguably harder than her remaining sister and her mother. Nani, cannot reconcile this loss, and it opens a streak of rebellion. Yet, what might seem a relatively innocuous choice, defying her mother to go to a Christian prayer meeting with a young man Nani has been socializing with, turns into a decision that might derail the rest of her life. By twenty-four, she has three children with the aggressively evangelical man, has been coerced into marrying him, and in consequence is cut off from her wealthy Nigerian family. It is Nani’s children who keep her going, even as it becomes clearer and clearer to her that she has to break free of her husband’s grasp and his abuse. She knows how to leave, but she doesn’t know how to keep her children safe. Unigwe is a master at crafting characters readers will care about, and this deeply emotional novel leaves us supporting Nani at every turn. A redemptive and powerful story.
When the leader of a fringe religious group relocates his family and his followers to the remote woods of the Upper Peninsula, Nora becomes integral to her father’s doomsday prophecies and his recruitment efforts. As she speaks in tongues and prophecies, her status in the church rises, and many of the members trust her implicitly. Yet, this creates a deep friction between her and her brother, and conflict between her parents; Nora’s mother—a powerful advocate for women in the compound—disagrees with how her daughter is being used to stoke religious fervor. By the time Nora is in her twenties, she leaves her father and forges a new life as a hospice nurse in Chicago, finding community among her coworkers, patients, and in online cult survivor communities. Yet, as Pentecost approaches, even though she has been gone from the woods for half a decade, she receives a message from the church that suggests she may not be free of their reach after all. Minor Prophets unwinds Nora’s story back to the day of her escape and through her learning to trust her instincts. A compelling literary coming of age story with elements of a psychological thriller.
In late 1990s San Francisco, Marc is building a life with his partner Isaac in San Francisco. When Isaac—who fled violence in El Salvador in the 80’s—gets a notice about an immigration hearing that threatens deportation, their lives are thrown into turmoil. As they try to navigate what may happen if Isaac is not granted permission to remain in the US in a pre-marriage equality landscape, a deep secret from Marc’s past starts to bubble to the surface. Even though Marc is beginning to heal an estrangement with his prominent Jewish family, as his security in a partnership with Isaac and unreconciled past trauma becomes harder to keep a handle on, his seven-year sobriety is threatened. Throughout all of this, Marc, a lawyer, feels a pull toward a former client who is just as compelling as he is dangerous. Emotions run high throughout this novel, which tackles how everything from legal doctrine to addiction can wreak havoc on individuals and have a devastating ripple effect for families. Written with a raw directness, The Fitful Sleep of Immigrants compels readers to ask what they would do—and what they would forgive—for the people who they love.
University of Arkansas Press: Twenty Acres by Sarah Neidhardt
Disillusioned with the modern world and idealistic about living closer to nature, Sarah Neidhardt’s parents packed up from Colorado—a place that some other back-to-landers would seek out—and moved to small, isolated Fox, Arkansas to attempt living completely self-sufficiently and off-the-grid. In this memoir, Neidhardt examines her memories from that time, and also pinpoints one of the most particularly problematic parts of the back-to-the-land movement, which is that many of its participants were anchored in privilege. Tellingly, she notes that local friends and neighbors in Fox were trying to escape a life so tenuous, often without regular electricity or indoor plumbing, not embrace it. Still, hers was a childhood that was filled with books and music, and the particular freedom that is afforded rural kids to play on their own or with siblings and have no other mandate than to get back to the house before dark. In the idyllic moments, around a fire after a meal or outside in a mild summer as wildflowers bloom, the call to live simply rings clear. There’s a harder edge, though, too: sick children and no transportation, hauling and heating water for basic sanitation, and the constant stress of precarious finances. A memoir infused with both empathy and inquiry.
Vine Leaves Press: Love Like This by Cynthia Newberry Martin
When the last of Angelina’s three children leaves for college, rather than being saddened by the empty nest, she is delighted to have the family home to herself. A former nurse who left the field to focus on her daughters, she needs space to herself. Yet, only nine days later, her husband, Will, takes an unplanned early retirement after a dispute with his employer. Plus, Will wants to spend time with Angelina just as much as she wants to be alone. To get away from him, Angelina takes a job as a home-health aid and meets Lucy, who challenges Angelina’s ideas about what it means to have a fulfilling life. This novel asks what a long marriage is owed, and what togetherness means. Despite spending over two decades with her husband, Angelina doesn’t know. Love Like This is one woman’s journey to understand how to be true to herself and her desires, which take her in a direction she could have never imagined. A compelling novel about the changing nature of family and romantic love.
Dylan is a young but clearly talented visual artist who is trying to make sense of the loss of her father and figure out what her next steps in life are. At the same time, she is consumed by a crush on her neighbor and classmate, Shay, who has also lost her own father. When a famous photographer comes to their arts high school as a visiting lecturer, Dylan is drawn to him and discovers a connection to her mother’s past. Dylan has always made meaning through art, both for herself, and with her family. Reeling from her father’s death, unsure of what to make of the lecturer, and navigating what becomes an intense relationship with Shay, she finds herself unable to create. Filthy Creations looks at the concept of the art monster and draws on Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein to tell the story of a girl who is coming into her own as a woman, and also finding a better understanding of the people around her. This is the classic coming of age story infused with sexual awakening, feminism, adventure, and a reverence for both blood and chosen family. Hagood expertly captures what it is like to be young, when the world is a series of doors just waiting to be opened.
In the summer of 1998, freshly graduated from high school, Judy spends her days documenting clouds with her cousin and his friend at his half-abandoned countryside home. They are a tight group, like siblings, but the young men are pulled into magical thinking about a “big shadow,” a cloud with a long reach that will possibly transport them to another dimension—or at least offer some action. After a chance encounter with Maurice Blunt, a former punk rocker and poet who has just enough clout left to land a summer teaching gig at the local university in Judy’s unnamed town, she becomes part of his orbit. She steals cash from the country estate to fly to meet him in New York where he commutes home for weekends, crashing in his comically sad apartment while her cousin covers for her, and obsessed by the idea that she could leave her old life behind and be a part of a real arts scene. Maurice is not quite motivated enough to be a true predator, but the difference in their ages and experiences reveals the depths of Judy’s naïveté and his desperation to be liked. Big Shadow is infused with familiar family dynamics, razor sharp descriptions, and absurd situations rendered cogent by Balcewicz’s clear prose.
When a pandemic rips across the globe, Neffy signs up for a highly experimental vaccine trial in London, against the wishes of her family. Like the other volunteers, she is motivated not by pure altruism, but rather by the desire to escape her current situation. For Neffy, who is romantically entwined with her step-brother, still mourning the loss of her father, and has recently lost her job as a cephalopod researcher, the trial seems a place to think things over and get her life back on track. The others, Yahiko, Rachel, Piper, and Leon have their own reasons. Yet, when the impacts of the virus escalate quickly, the volunteers are abandoned by medical staff and forced to consider their basic existence. Leon, a failed tech entrepreneur, has a device that allows people to revisit memories with intense clarity, almost as if time traveling, and Neffy dives deep into her past. However, thirteen days after the beginning of the trial, as food is running out and the hospital generators fail, the cohort must make a decision about who they are to one another and how they will continue to live. Infused with both surprise and recognition, The Memory of Animals looks at the impossible choices sometimes required for survival.
In the summer before he intends to go to graduate school, Victor Adewale is working at the local mall, in a store that is meant to be edgy. Victor keeps most of his relationships, both platonic and sexual, at an arm’s length, often telling himself he doesn’t care about other people and their feelings; this is a defense mechanism for him, as a closeted man raised by an abusive, alcoholic father who seemingly cares more about his country club membership than his son—and whose money Victor needs to fund grad school. That summer, an experimental drug from a local pharmaceutical company has made its way to the party scene, and there are echoes of Don DeLillo’s iconic Dylar in the blue bills called Dresdenol. When money from the safe at the mall store goes missing, Victor is the primary suspect. In addition to the missing money, many of his friends are caught in a web of using and selling Dresdenol, while Victor is fueled by alcohol and fear of his own mounting debt. Ultimately, Victor has to admit to himself who he is, and who he wants to be. The Longest Summer perfectly captures the liminal space between what is about to be the past and what is almost the future.
After being seriously injured in a soccer game in Tucson, twenty-one-year-old Gregorio Pasos is prescribed rest and painkillers by his physician. In his period of forced physical healing, Gregorio filters through his emotional memories to tell the story of his life thus far. Sincerely contemplative, the book is laced with the stories of deep friendships and connections both family and strangers, and readers learn of Gregorio’s profound ability to meet people where they are, whether it is caring for his dying uncle, caretaking a much older woman in exchange for a basement apartment, or congratulating his parents for divorcing amicably. His emotional generosity infuses what is a very serious book about loss—of jobs, of people, of stolen indigenous land, of home and even the idea of it—with a sense of quiet hope. Through Gregorio, Restrepo poses big questions about the nature of forgiveness and love, and what it means to live a life with an open heart. When it comes to Gregorio Pasos, “holy” is the absolute right word. An absolutely gorgeous book from a notable new voice in fiction.
The telenovela gets unfairly maligned as a “woman’s genre,” but its stories make the shows perfect vehicles through which to look at the lessons these hit dramas were teaching young boys like me. This is why Hombres, a 1996 Colombian telenovela I watched avidly as a teen, felt so revelatory: The groundbreaking series riffed on telenovelas while borrowing freely from prime-time American dramas. Its ensemble depicted a cross section of the new kind of man who roamed the streets of Bogotá. Our lead, a redhead named Julián Quintana (Nicolás Montero) is, as it turns out, the blandest of the bunch, an everyman designed to anchor the more outlandish characters around him. There is Santiago Arango (Luis Mesa), a rampant misogynist who abuses his wife and proudly tells his friends that a fist is the best way to keep a woman in check. Then there is, as if to balance such un- savory behavior, Ricardo Contreras (Gustavo Angarita), an older man whose decades-long marriage is the kind his colleagues aspire to have, especially Tomás Holguín (Ernesto Benjumea), a mustachioed young man whose romantic aspirations are constantly sabotaged by his own desperation. Rounding out this sprawling cast of characters are Daniel Rivera (Luis Fernando Hoyos), a self-avowed womanizer with a dis- taste for emotional intimacy, and Simón McAllister (Orlando Pardo), the most junior of the associates, whose wife’s death leaves him as a single dad of two young kids.
Compared to telenovelas with historically flattened male characters, Hombres was grounded in a multifaceted reality. The series tackled contemporary plots (death, divorce, AIDS, and changing sexual mores, among others), and made a point of thinking beyond romance as its central narrative engine. At times it felt more like a character study than a Colombian melodrama, as it posited inquiries into modern manhood that felt incredibly timely. And there was a familiarity at play here. My private, elite school was populated by many boys who would (and did) grow up to be the kind of men Hombres depicted and spoke to. These were the boys whose approval I craved and yet who amused themselves by riling me up and then mocking my emotional outbursts. “Ay, se puso salsita!” one would needle me, calling me out for losing my temper and not taking their jokes in good stride. I often hated how much I hoped to be liked by them (and, actually, how much I was attracted to some of them), but that just meant any attention I got from my schoolmates was always tinged with ill-placed jealousy and self-hatred. What was most annoying—if not outright embarrassing, for them more so than me—was the way such taunts always felt like they reinforced their own bonds. I could get along with one or two of them at a time (especially when we were assigned group lab projects or classroom presentations to work on), but there was something about their pack mentality that brought out the worst in them. They boosted each other up whenever they punched me down (figuratively, thankfully). In this, Hombres was just as enlightening. After all, the series couldn’t escape the oppressive nature of its own gendered ideals. Its title defined an essentialist proposition that could only ever fall short for those of us who knew that notions of Colombian masculinity were defined in our absence.
To watch Hombres is to see a world where men and women are cut from such different cloths it’s a wonder (and an everlasting mystery) how they ever find ways of living together. If telenovelas writ large were enamored with romantic plots that upheld social mores (and yes, prim and proper heterosexual pairings), Hombres posited a different possibility for mainstream television. Here was a conscious exploration of modern Colombian masculinity that was nevertheless not as culturally expansive as its simple title promised. The show’s pilot episode, for instance, opens not with its male ensemble, but with a scene at a restaurant where we hop from table to table and listen in on several conversations women are having about the men in their lives. A middle-aged woman bemoans the fact that her husband left her for a younger woman; her friend tells her she should be lucky he was honest. Hers has been seeing someone behind her back for years and she wishes he’d just own up to it. Another wonders aloud why it seems men nowadays want the very thing they’ve long villainized. Don’t they hate and denigrate stay-at-home moms and housewives? Why, then, do they insist now on wanting their spouses to stay home, play house, and cater to their every whim? Others pride themselves on their newfound assertiveness: “So I told him, leave,” one says. “There’s the door. You think I’d be the first woman to raise a kid by herself?” Another: “What I do with men is what, historically, they’ve done to us; I just bed them.” Later, we see a young woman crying after sharing that her boyfriend wants to stay together (but still see other people) as a nearby waitress worries the guy whose baby she’s now carrying may ghost her after hearing said news. As the waitress then makes her way through the dining room, the din around her takes over; every table is full of women talking about nothing but men, offering a perfect example of how to fail the Bechdel test.
The kicker for this prologue is a brief vignette focused on a young girl set against a white backdrop. She is impeccably dressed, as if styled for a family portrait, in a cutesy dark-blue sailor dress. As she plays with a ball, a young boy comes in and smacks it right out of her hand, only to laugh loudly when he gets a glimpse at her frilly bloomers as she bends down to retrieve it. The camera closes in on her as she grimaces. “Hombres!” she spits out, “Guácala!” (“Men! Yuck!”).
Years before Sex and the City turned girl talk brunch into a tired TV trope, Hombres creator Mónica Agudelo understood the cultural importance of enshrining the intimacy such a setting afforded women in the mid-90s. What’s striking about these vignettes is how they neither seek to villainize men nor outright excuse their behavior. Against an entire genre that so exalted marriage, monogamy, and the nuclear family, Hombres set out from the start to ground us not in the aspirational images of church weddings and picture-perfect images of wholesome happy families (the kind that littered too many a telenovela ending) but in the messy and modern conflicts that were, as was the case in these conversations, the talk of the town. To open with women’s complaints and to tie them to concerns about divorce, motherhood, and courtship remains as revelatory in the 21st century as it was in 1996. These may have once been private concerns, but by staging them in a public setting like a restaurant, these groups of female friends created a choral effect that rippled out from every table. Agudelo made clear this series would air out stories long kept hidden behind closed doors.
Likewise, the modern men at the heart of Hombres would come to feel oddly familiar, contemporary avatars of a generation that was remaking the narratives around romance they’d long been fed. Stock-brokers by trade, they were associated with a cosmopolitan environment and thus a vision of Colombia that imagined the country as economically forward-looking and ready to shed its bad rap. They were, in many ways, grown-up versions of my own schoolmates—many of whom would, in fact, go to Colombia’s top two schools to study Administración de Empresas, the catchall business major preferred by the country’s upper class. Our school was all but a conveyor belt toward early twenty-first-century yuppiedom. Hombres offered a glimpse into a possible future and a rare window into an alien present. For, if these stockbrokers weren’t older facsimiles of my fellow classmates, they were easily legible as their fathers, who ran multinational corporations, were executives at oil companies, or were otherwise part of the movers and shakers in a city that was desperately trying to rebrand itself into a future where it needn’t have to be associated with drug cartels, car bombs, and a decades-old violent conflict that seemed to have no end in sight. Given that my mom worked in a creative industry, those suit-and-tie men were foreign figures to me. I knew—or gathered, more like—that I was supposed to see in them an aspirational image, their menswear supposedly projecting a seriousness to look up to. Our school uniforms instantiated this, in fact.
Had I followed a different path in life—had I, for instance, stayed in Bogotá and gone to either Los Andes or La Javeriana for school— I’d have likely moved in circles like those depicted in Hombres. Revisiting the show all these years later, I am reminded, though, of why I left. For even as the show presents a wide variety of high-powered men who struggle with issues as varied as marriage, parenthood, friendship, dating, and yes, even a crazed female stalker, Agudelo’s show can’t—and didn’t try to—escape the subtle homophobia that undergirded all its commentary on contemporary Colombian men. One that, in this case, nevertheless came wrapped up in a rather tepid push for tolerance and acceptance.
If telenovelas writ large were enamored with romantic plots that upheld social mores, Hombres posited a different possibility for mainstream television.
For, alongside the Juliáns and the Santiagos of the group, Hombres offered audiences a token gay guy. As ’90s tropes required, Marcel was a limp-wristed, fashionable “gay best friend” who ran a clothing boutique and spent many evenings gabbing about with de Francisco’s Antonia. And, though we first meet him having a meltdown over his recent breakup, his romantic (and sexual) life is all but nonexistent. On-camera at least. During one episode, when Antonia cancels their plans as she opts to go out on a date with Julián, we see him joking that he’ll spend the evening reading One Thousand and One Nights, as if his social life were only tethered to her availability. He was, in a way, the Will to Antonia’s Grace before that U.S. sitcom had even been conceived.
Played by Claude Pimont, Marcel was coded as different—as foreign, even. Pimont’s accented Spanish (he was born and raised in France before kicking off his acting career in Colombia), not to mention his shoulder-length hair and endless collection of fancy silk scarves, set him apart from the show’s cast of characters, whose cleancut near-identical looks stressed and encouraged homogeneity.
At the end of the day, the boys club Hombres depicted depended on setting itself apart from men like Marcel. For, in a series known for its battle of the sexes theme, Marcel usually found himself grouped (willingly and giddily, I must add) with the girlfriends and mothers present in the show. This was nowhere more evident than in a two-part episode cheekily titled “Detrás de un gran hombre hay una gran mujer” (“Behind every great man lies a great woman”), which is centered around Julián’s best friend Mafe’s thirtieth birthday party. Wanting to buoy her spirits over crossing that milestone, Marcel suggests she host a raucous costume party for herself. A gender-bending party, in fact: have all the men dress up as women and all the women as men. The ladies are thrilled! At last, a chance to wear baggy suits and play at being men for a day. The boys, though, are less than thrilled. The mere concept of taking up drag for a day appalls them even as they (mostly) begrudgingly agree to take part in such a lark. The only holdout is, unsurprisingly, Santiago, who badgers and belittles his friends for letting themselves be so emasculated as they opt to wear miniskirts, makeup, wigs, and even heels.
The pathetic attempts by these men at finding the humor in their plight is what should make us chuckle; we’re encouraged to laugh at, not with them.
Much of the humor of the episode centers on the inherent hilarity of seeing grown men in feminine clothing. Tomás’s choice to don a wedding gown elicits plenty of quips about being a virginal bride, Julián’s smoky eye makeup and fishnet stockings earn him several lady-of-the-night jokes, and the men’s high-pitched vocal affectations as they role-play are all done in jest, pointing out the hilarity of what it takes to be—to become, really—a woman. In an ironic twist, though, Marcel does not arrive all dolled up in a corset and a killer wig. Instead, he arrives in full Rambo drag, all camo gear and fake guns ablaze. “I couldn’t betray my inner woman,” he explains, “It was easier to betray the man in me.” It’s hilarious to think that such betrayal involved conjuring up this particular image of a “man.” He reached into the far recesses of American pop culture iconography but there was no denying the way his military garb visually invoked a Colombian reality the show otherwise kept decidedly off-screen.
Masculinity and homosexuality were, in the show’s framework, not only incompatible but diametrically opposed. As this double episode illustrated, masculinity is not something you have; it is something you do. Something you perform, really. And, more crucially, something you perform for other men. It is not enough to be a man; you must act like one—and sometimes, that was as difficult for guys like Julián and his friends as it was for those of us who have become canny observers of men to better mimic them and thus hide our desire for them.
Intertwined as they were, homosexuality and masculinity were, from a young age, parts of myself I knew were overly scrutinized. The visibility of one came at the expense of the other. Both were configured in our culture as things to look out for both because they can be seen and because we might not see them. As these episodes of Hombres suggest, the kind of masculinity Santiago so extols is fragile precisely because it depends on its insistent visibility—it’s why he doesn’t dare not wear a tuxedo to Mafe’s party and why he thinks a mere wig will unravel the assured sense of manhood he wishes and demands of his friends. And, while the show does nudge us toward scoffing at Santiago’s retrograde ideas, the twists in the plot all but hand him a win. Shortly after leaving the party together, the men are arrested for being intoxicated. That they’re suffering this humiliation while still wearing skirts and heels is almost too much—and that’s before the cops tease them about their outfits. The police at the precinct all assume they are “transvestites,” and thus worthy of their scorn; they throw the boys out into the gated yard, where they’re further harassed by the other jailed men who are both threatened and amused. Julián worries they’ll be raped and hopes they won’t have to fend any men off, a line that gives them all a chance to curse Marcel again for this ridiculous idea. And, true to form, they do end up needing to fight to prove their masculinity and strength.
When they’re finally picked up by the women, they bemoan their decision to have played along to Mafe’s ridiculous gender-bending party, all while their fellow inmates marvel at their fighting prowess, offering the kicker that captures the incongruity of the entire scenario: “Esas locas terminando siendo unos varones!”: “Those fags turned out to be quite the men!” Though perhaps fags isn’t the right translation. For loca (literally “crazy”) is used as a way to call out effeminacy and homosexuality in a way that conflates them with mental illness, and is most often used as a derogatory insult against trans and gender-nonconforming individuals, the kind who would don wigs and dresses to hit the streets at night. Though, similar to fag, loca is a term that’s continually being reappropriated, used as a way to embrace the scorned femininity it’s supposed to pathologize. By throwing punches and asserting their dominance in the only way they know how, these mocked men end up proving their masculinity by behaving like their most primal selves.
Throughout the show, masculinity—whether championed by Santiago’s retrograde machismo or the cops’ open homophobia—was constantly being negotiated by Julián and his friends. Quite predictably, the series would eventually frame such questions about masculinity in terms of violence. For that is what a varón is: even in a dress, if a man can beat his assailant, he can get away from hurtful labels like loca. As if to nurture their fragile egos, Julián and company decide on a whim to go on an all-boys camping trip, a laughable attempt to reassert whatever authority they believe had been wrestled from them. All alone, away from the prying eyes of the women in their lives, they revert (or become) the most machista versions of themselves they can dream up. At one point they go around in a circle sharing funny jokes that all depend on the gentle misogyny they feel all too comfortable performing for each other: “What does a woman do after making love? Get in the way.” “What would man do without women? He’d domesticate another animal.” The laughter these jokes elicit is rooted in the kind of feminist intervention Hombres was gunning for. The pathetic attempts by these men at finding the humor in their plight is what should make us chuckle; we’re encouraged to laugh at, not with them. For, again, the storyline ends with Mafe and the girls coming to their rescue, further painting these men as hapless fools who can’t go a full weekend without their every whim taken care of.
The series was an answer to an incongruous-sounding question: What would it mean to write a male-centered telenovela?
Reviewing Hombres upon its release in 1996, Colombian magazine Semana singled out how the show presented a necessary corrective to the way telenovelas had been produced in the country’s history: “Although the audience for melodrama is composed mostly of women,” the review argued, “in Colombia the writing of matters of the heart has always been a matter of men.” Some of the biggest homegrown hits had been developed and written by a cadre of talented men who’d created a string of powerful heroines, including Café’s Gaviota, whose love stories had wooed and wowed audiences for generations. With Hombres, Mónica Agudelo was turning such tradition on its head: “Although for many it may look like a sign of a move past melodrama, the show is, on the contrary, firmly rooted within the rules of that genre, only seen with the keen-eyed outlook of a modern woman, for whom Agudelo is undoubtedly becoming, for all her merits, her new priestess.”
The series was an answer to an incongruous-sounding question: What would it mean to write a male-centered telenovela? To write a melodrama about men? What emerged was a bold offering, a series that took men’s inner lives seriously and dramatized that clichéd and endlessly recurring concept of the “crisis of masculinity.” Though perhaps, given its plural title, we should amend its take on such a theme. Maybe Hombres was a series about the crises of masculinity. Or better yet, about the crisis of masculinities. If it feels like masculinity is constantly in crisis, that is because such is its very nature. It may well be that the crisis itself is masculinity. Or, at the very least, the patriarchal masculinity whose fragility masks the very strength it purports to project.
If the tenets of masculinity, as Hombres shows time and time again, are inherently performative, depending on and constantly reinscribed for and by those around us, it’s hard to not both commend the show for that push and pull and to condemn it for so tactfully tackling its male protagonists. In hindsight, its attempt at satire never went far enough—and this had everything to do with the way it careened ever closer to the generic telenovela trappings it was so intent on serving up. Was this a modern dissection of the fragile masculinity that so enthralled well-to-do Colombian men? Or was it an apology for their actions, a way to not merely explain them away but validate them? The fine line between description and prescription, between representation and aspiration, can’t help but be blurred when in episode after episode, Hombres insisted on giving its titular straight men so much empathetic leeway. This was a show, after all, that ended its series finale with the women playfully excusing the men for their shortcomings, teaching the audience an insidious lesson: “Les perdonamos su género,” the women tell the men in the final tableau the show left its viewers with: “We forgive you for your gender.”
For women and queer people, the very act of writing can be an act of resistance. Especially when we shine attention on our own transgressive bodies, poetry is illumination in the darkness, a stay against despair. As Audre Lorde proclaimed in 1977, “Poetry is not a luxury. It is a vital necessity of our existence. It forms the quality of light within which we predicate our hopes and dreams towards survival and change, first made into language, then into idea, then into more tangible action.”
The women poets here write the body in diverse and dazzling ways, channeling imagination into liberation on the page. Their feminist work embodies what Helene Cixous calls an “insurgent writing,” carrying out “ruptures and transformations” in personal and collective history. These are essential books for our times—dive in and let yourself be transformed.
The sumptuous second collection from the founder and curator of Soul Sister Revue (the hottest poetry event ever to hit the internet) delights at every turn. Brimming with self-portraits, Black joy, recipe poems, list poems, soul vibrations, litanies and lullabies, No Sweet Without Brine savors play and pleasure while recognizing grief.
“I want to testify that I’m done with tasting elegies in my mouth,” Manick declares in “B-Side Testimonials,” an incantation on aging and self-care. Her sensual poems contain the “muscle memory” of childhood, the sweet taste of homegrown peaches, the legacy of the Middle Passage, deep reverberations of generational trauma and healing. Even propped in stirrups at a shaming gynecologist’s, Manick writes odes to her own blessed body, works hard to love her uterus “when it feels like a horde of gladiators in a closed ring.” As her voice moves from humor to lyricism, meditation to sharp insight, Manick weaves the sweet and the bitter into one unforgettable poetry feast.
This bewitching debut delivers everything the title promises and more. Lyrical and provocative, Gabbert’s poems get right up close to the body, contemplating her skin in the bathtub, describing the swollen sensation of a lip-gloss called “venom,” anticipating the “brief prick/ of needle to bone” before getting tattooed. Animals pervade the collection, often wounded and broken but also metaphors of transformation– a snake that slips out of its skin, a monarch’s wings that “close and open like eyelids,” an oyster holding the erotic tension between pleasure and deprivation.
Gabbert deftly employs white space and fragmentation; her poems tend to float on the page, free of punctuation. Underneath the strange allure of Sex Depression Animals is a fierce rejection of patriarchal structures, a reclamation of bodily autonomy and sexual power. “I cannot wear a sequined dress/ I cannot slink across the floor/ I cannot drop like coins from a purse/ I cannot scatter brightly,” she writes, refusing to submit or be defined, remaking the self through language.
The astonishing fourth book from award-winning poet Vievee Francis pulses with vitality and grace. The Shared World affirms the interconnectedness of everything—lives and landscapes, humans and animals, love and loss and collective history. “I am haunted by memories as/ present as ghosts,” writes Francis, revisiting the loneliness of an unloved childhood alongside the horror of the 1963 Birmingham bombing. Her lucid poems explore vulnerability and oppression in a world where “every dark body/ is suspect”– they reimagine Rosa Parks in potent rage, the white accuser of Emmett Till defending her lust and her lies, the mourning and keening of “every living thing.”
With deep empathy and lyric power, The Shared World seeks what we hold in common while singing out for freedom in all its varied forms: “I hunger/ for round people– / the body uncorseted by male design.” The last poem, “Dark Horse,” offers a vision of true merging as the child self rides bareback on a beloved old mare: “I can feel the throb of her blood moving through our dark body.”
Mira Rosenthal maps domains of danger in her stunning second collection, Territorial. “There’s tinder underneath our days,” she writes, bearing witness to drought-ridden California, the female body in peril, the earth in crisis, the constant threat of violence balanced with sensual joy.
These poems explore risk and womanhood, what it means to live among potential predators (mountain lions, humans), to navigate territories both urban and wild. A mother braces while her two young daughters romp on the playground, a public place where parents must remember to “put shorts under skirts.” A girl freezes in a manzanita grove at dusk, learning stillness despite “some nocturnal female sense/ that feels like snakes inside the flesh.” Rosenthal observes “the exposed world/ of men,” captures the embodied experience of giving birth, making love, being assaulted on a crowded bus in a foreign city. The speaker in Territorial becomes a goddess, a gardener, a fury in the kitchen slicing onions: “I admit at last/ there’s a river of rage below the surface,/ hidden.” Renewal lies in the self’s dynamic energy, a wild internal force driven to create.
I was hooked from the opening poem of Shawn R. Jones’ searing debut: “Dirty Little Secrets Are Just Another Set of Facts.” This sardonic, breezy title becomes a kind of manifesto, a counterpoint to the poem’s staccato rhythms, her life story beginning with a failed abortion compressed into taut stanzas spanning four generations. Jones takes a journalistic stance on family history and tragedy, poverty and abuse, forging her own memories with the stories of women in her family to create a blazing testimony of Black resilience and love. Childhood scenes burn bright in the present tense, as in “One Reason She Keeps a Switchblade in Her Pocket”: “She is the only child. Has everything. Was taught to share but they/ demand ‘pussy.’”
Jones is fearless when writing the body, from “ruby chunks” of miscarriage to “the indelible image” of her father overdosed on heroin. Rage and grief are reborn in Date of Birth, a vital response to the brutality of white America. In the final poem, Jones celebrates married love and her own sacredness: “I know I am holy./ Both in what has been lost/ and what has been sustained.”
Torrin Greathouse took the poetry world by storm in 2020 with her revelatory, evocative debut. Now more than ever, we need Wound from the Mouth of the Wound, poems of transformation and trans flourishing, gorgeous lyrics that contain the world’s violence while claiming the trans disabled body as a site of mythical creation and power. Greathouse livens up the page with her brilliant use of varied forms and invented structures, her trickster gift for cathartic wordplay, as in “That’s So Lame” which interrogates the title slur through etymology and personal narrative: “Before I could accept this body’s fractures/ I had to unlearn lame as the first breath of lament.”
Wound is a contemporary feminist oracle, mapping the territories of trauma and survival. “Nothing’s more/ femme than empty/ field, a place to bury/ seed,” she writes, her lines pared down, knife-sharp. From the floodgate of crying released by gender transition to the “crookedness” of the body inspected by doctors in a cold exam room, these poems enact a profound intimacy with the reader, one that transmutes violation into connection, pain into a common language.
Deborah Landau’s fifth book goes down like a fine craft cocktail, cold and smooth, with a lingering burn. In a cunning arrangement of short acrostic poems, Landau showcases her signature edginess, wryly ruminating on “existential gloom,” monogamy and its discontents, “the filth and joy” of living in a body. Set in the glam world of Brooklyn parks and Parisian terraces, Skeletons examines midlife angst in spare, startling lines: “We liked birth, it kept the death away–”. The poems chronicle looming catastrophe and pandemic ennui, those “caged days/ traipsing round the living room streaming a cringey dance class.” Landau’s self-deprecating wit is so elegant we can’t help but give in to her charms, entranced as she listens to Calm app mantras, fails at corpse pose, takes “the kale and kombucha,/ toting a calamitous hairdo and wrecked face…” Skeletons sings most sublimely in its exaltation of desire. The whole collection is a fierce ode to mortality, mourning time’s passage as it revels in the pleasures of the flesh, urging us to say yes despite everything: “The best time for the body is now.”
Lamya H’s powerful memoir Hijab Butch Blues is an honest grappling with what it means to be queer, to be a devout hijabi Muslim person who resists gender normativity, to love faith and community. Seeking other queer women in Islam as a young person, H wonders if Maryam, whom no man has touched, is like her. She asks if Allah is a man or a woman and, dissatisfied with counsel from religious teachers, decides for herself: Allah is They. She confronts her fear of jinn, who in lore and anecdote are shapeshifters never to be trusted, yet who are too often conflated with brown men from her own community. Reading the story of Yusuf and the king’s stolen golden measuring cup forces H to confront her own withholding, how she unfairly tests others because she is afraid to lose them. Using the second person point-of-view, she asks Muhammad questions about belonging and betrayal.
We see her speed dating, pining after unavailable (often straight) women, praying in department store fitting rooms. We cheer at her first kiss with Liv. H will not choose between the imposed cultural dichotomies of queerness and faith, family and freedom, selfhood and community. She argues for complexity and nuance, especially around sexuality and gender constraints. She writes, “the only way I can get out of my bed and make it through the day is by wearing masculinity on my body,” and immediately follows this with how she holds dear her “feminist rage” and is “politically aligned with womanhood and yet hates inhabiting it.” H refuses to be reduced to a single self, when singularity risks falseness and queerness is fundamentally a multiplicity of selves.
Annie Liontas: What if our stories about being hurt are actually stories about healing?
Lamya H: As humans we’re programmed towards negativity bias and to think of stories in terms of pain without thinking of what comes after. The prevailing theme of the stories from the Quran, when I was growing up reading them in school, was always perseverance. There are these horrible things that happen to these prophets and these figures in the Quran, and they emerge victorious from them. But one of the things that I wanted to really think through in my book was, What happens after? Who is the person who emerges, what sort of trauma are you left with because of racism or homophobia or discrimination, or just something that has happened to you? How does this instance affect you, and who is the person that emerges? And how can you heal from that?
AL: I’m thinking of this in relation to Yusuf and Yunus, and how your patient and devout re-reading yields surprising and new understandings of the surahs. Leaving is not always giving up, sometimes it is protection. Abandonment can lead to love and forgiveness. Have such readings introduced into your life an unexpected expansiveness or grace?
LH: In the process of reading about a lot of these prophets, I found myself unexpectedly having a lot of empathy for them, which kind of surprised me. I’ve always been a little ornery about some of the stories of the prophets. I grew up thinking, I can’t believe that Yunus was this prophet and he left his people and he gets swallowed by a whale. That’s terrible punishment! But, talking about it with a friend really drew me into the story. We said, Wait, what if the whale isn’t punishment? What if it’s more for protection? Or like Moses—in the Quran, he comes off as a little bit arrogant. There’s this one story where he asks to see God and God is like, No, you can’t see me, but Moses insists. And when God tells Moses that he’s a prophet, Moses asks, Can I bring along my brother? As a young person, I thought, Wow, I can’t believe he pushes back against God like that. But in doing more research into his story, I discovered that Moses had a stutter. That knowledge changed how I thought about Moses. When I thought of him as someone who was really anxious and had a hard time connecting with people I had newfound empathy for him. That exercise of having empathy for someone in a story led me to have empathy towards a younger version of myself. I realized I was trying to figure things out, just like these messy, complicated prophets were.
AL: How do women in the Quran, especially Maryam, offer confirmation but also help you imagine your own path forward?
LH: I love the story of Maryam. What a fucking badass! She was essentially sent away to live by herself. How much patience and generosity she must have had for her situation and the people who sent her away? And then there’s a story where an angel comes to her as this handsome man, and she turns him away. She doesn’t want to talk to him. And for me, that story was such a moment of recognition. It was so beautiful to be able to see a story like this. At fourteen, when I first heard the story in Quran class, I was grappling with all of these feelings, too. I found myself so uninterested in boys, I found myself with this crush on a teacher at school. I don’t even know if I would have been able to call it that—a crush—let alone use words like gay or queer lesbian. I was suddenly able to see myself in the Quran, which was the book my life was structured around at that point because I was in Islamic school. I lived in this Muslim country, and the Quran was everywhere. I didn’t grow up reading a lot of books with queer protagonists or even protagonists who were people of color. And so to have that moment of recognition in a text – and the Quran at that – was powerful for me.
AL: What is it like to slow-read the Quran over a long period of time?
I was trying to figure things out, just like these messy, complicated prophets were.
LH: Honestly, it’s an ongoing process. We’re not done yet, even though my friend and I, when we started, said, We’re gonna crush this, we’re gonna get this done in six years. I think we’re going on year seven now, and we’re about two thirds of the way through. Honestly, it’s been so lovely because there are various layers to the experience. One layer is this text that we’re reading that we’ve both read before, and we’re unpacking it not just in terms of the traditional interpretations but also in terms of how we’ve been taught to question it or not question it. And then the other layer that’s been really lovely is seeing my friendship grow with this friend, and marking the various things that have happened in her life and mine. Getting to have the longevity reflected in a weekly phone call and the regularity of that. And even just being able to say, Oh, do you remember when you read the second surah of the Quran and this was happening in your life? It’s been a really cool way to mark time and friendship.
AL: Some of the most powerful sections in this book are about how you grapple with your faith in God. Specifically, you talk about growing up with a gendered understanding of Allah, who most see as Him, none see as She. You ultimately conceive of Allah as They. How has this understanding of Allah as nonbinary changed your relationship to your faith, yourself, the world?
LH: Recently, it’s become really popular to gender Goddess, which I find so interesting and so limiting in its own way, I know that people have really good arguments for it, where they’re basically like, Oh, we’re just like countering how much “He” has been used. But I actually find that less compelling than this idea of using words like non-binary and genderqueer for God. In some ways I’ve always thought of God as non-binary. But I think being able to put a word on it has been really important. The word “non-binary” wasn’t used very much when I was younger and thinking about gender. People used words like “butch” or “masc” or “genderqueer,” and I have so much love for those words—I have a lot of love in general for words that feel outdated but that carry so much history and so many layers. But to be able to use a word like non-binary for God has been really, really powerful for me because words shape not only language, but also the world. I’m someone who came to using the word non-binary for myself pretty late. I had used a lot of those other words for a long time. I really grappled with what it means to wear a hijab while identifying as non-binary; for a long time, I thought that if you aren’t materially facing the consequences of a word, can you really identify with it? So being able to use that word for God let me give myself permission to use that word for myself. I think it’s important to honor the parts of yourself that feel like they need to be put into words.
AL: You seem to write from a place that arises both from resolution and searching. I’m wondering for you, what is the gift of doubt? What is it like to be simultaneously “part of” and “apart from”?
Being in this intergenerational, diverse community helped me figure out that I didn’t have to be authentically gay or be authentically Muslim.
LH: Doubt is one of the most powerful things. It goes hand in hand with faith in ways that are very important. You essentially can’t have faith without doubt, because otherwise it would just be certainty. I think it’s underappreciated and I think it can be such a generative thing. It leads you to ask questions and it leads you to explore things that you wouldn’t have thought of. There’s this way in which people are scared of doubt and are scared that it takes away from faith. For me, doubt also goes hand in hand with writing and asking questions. Writing is a way to explore those things that arise from doubt or anger or something that feels like it’s sticking in my mind and I can’t let go of it. Writing feels like a way of getting at some of those resolutions. I think sometimes the beauty of doubt is that you can doubt your resolutions and really have them be dynamic and use the questioning as a way to lead a life that is intentional.
AL: So writing might be described as the practice of doubt?
LH: Absolutely.
AL: In “Jinn,” you write about being made into “other” by white people and the white supremacist infrastructure. Reading works by bell hooks and Audre Lorde, as you note in the piece, helps you understand the true nature of jinn and your relationship to them. How are telling these stories acts of resistance?
LH: I came to writing through the act of telling stories as a way to counter the narratives being lost. I used to tell stories all the time of just things that had happened to me. One time a friend said, You tell these stories and you are clearly upset and angry but that rage dissipates unless you do something about it. She suggested writing, so I started writing. What I appreciated about it is that it allows me to use the telling of stories as an act of resistance and also as an act of validating the anger. I think about Teju Cole’s tweet a lot: “Writing as writing. Writing as rioting. Writing as righting. On the best days, all three.” The act of storytelling is so deeply enmeshed in justice.
AL: You talk about legibility and the pressure to be “authentically gay,” which includes a mandate to come out to your family, an act incongruous to your experience and one you worry would hurt your parents. How did your queer Muslim community save you? How did it help you embrace a whole, complex self?
You essentially can’t have faith without doubt, because otherwise it would just be certainty.
LH: I don’t know who I would be without my queer Muslim community. Finding them has been one of the most beautiful life-changing experiences of my life. I found them at a point in my life when I was trying to figure out how to live, as one does in their twenties. I was grappling with normative Islam and normative ideas of right and wrong and sin. I was grappling with queerness as well, figuring out which parts felt reductively normative and which were prescribed by others as the “correct” way to be gay. We don’t necessarily have models for how to be queer. So to be around people who were resisting both of those categories and forging new ways to live was so powerful. Being in this super intergenerational, diverse community really helped me figure out that I didn’t have to be authentically gay or be authentically Muslim. I could figure out what those things meant to me and live my life in ways that were true to who I was.
AL: You’ve said you write because ideas are “entangled” in your head. You also allude to the role of pray in your life, such as when you are at the doctor’s office to complete necessary immigration forms. Has writing these essays and telling these stories been a kind of prayer for you?
LH: The part about this that has felt like prayer is the act of writing the book and having it go out in the world. It’s an aspiration of prayer that you get some sort of response back. So it’s been really cool to see the responses coming in from other queer folks, other Muslims, other queer Muslims. Not all of it has been positive, which is to be expected. But a lot of the responses to the act of putting the book out have been really lovely.
AL: What are you still seeking—might always seek—from your faith and your place in the world as a queer nonbinary Muslim?
LH: I’m still figuring out how to do this whole thing called life. To me, what feels important is intentionality and effort and trying. I’m a big trier. I think what I’m seeking from my faith is the ability to do that—to use some of the tools, like prayer, as pausing points to reflect on what I’ve done and what I want. What is rooted in justice, what’s not. The other place that I seek some of this from is community. One of the best things about community is accountability and having people around you who will tell you when you’ve fucked up. What I’m seeking from both my faith and community is the ability to live in a way that moves me towards the kind of world that I want to be in.
In Margot Douaihy’s novel Scorched Grace, Sister Holiday is a tattooed, gold-toothed, cigarette-smoking, rock ‘n roll lesbian nun, a resident music teacher and latest addition to the dwindling order, the New Orleans Sisters of the Sublime Blood. When a series of deadly fires breaks out at the school, resulting in the death of a friend and colleague, Holiday becomes a prime suspect. Less concerned with clearing her own name than with stopping a serial arsonist and killer, Sister Holiday devotes herself to solving the crime, working in tandem with the one detective who doesn’t think she’s the culprit. “The devil isn’t in the details,” says Holiday. “Evil thrives in blind spots. In absence, negative spaces, like the haze of sleight-of-hand trick. The details are God’s work. My job is keeping those details in order.”
The true mystery underlying this story is who Holiday really is, and how her messy past–the ex-girlfriend and ex-bandmate she can’t stop thinking about, the estranged brother whose absence haunts her, and the many losses suffered–have brought her from Brooklyn to a convent in Louisiana where she wears gloves to cover the tattoos on her hands and surreptitiously smokes contraband cigarettes confiscated from foolish teenagers. Written in rich, evocative prose, Scorched Grace is a must-read for Pride this summer.
The Scorched Grace booktail is, as the author puts it, a “smoky sweet twisty trinity” of fruit, flowers, and Scotch. Many people have very strong feelings about Scotch whisky and its smokiness, which some have compared to cigarette butts. In this case, the peat works to our advantage. A symbol of Holiday’s whiskey-soaked memories, the Scotch is combined with apricot brandy for the ubiquitous sweet olive, a favorite in Southern gardens, including the school’s, which perfumes the story with its scent of apricot. Chicory pecan bitters are a nod to the sisters’ practice of bartering for chicory coffee, and for Sister T’s chicory root blend that Holiday enjoys so much. The booktail is served over ice made from jasmine tea for night-blooming jasmine, mixed with rose, a symbol of the Virgin Mary. The drink is garnished with a deliciously dessert-y bruleed apricot or peach, balanced with a sharply fragrant twist of lemon for Detective Riveaux’s homemade perfumes.
This booktail is presented against a very-gay-shade of purple that complements the book’s cover, with a mirrored base that distorts the precise rays of color on the cover into flame-like waves. The drink is served over ice shaped like a rose in a purple-sheened glass that looks like it’s been twisted by fire. A sexy, scorched apricot balances on the rim, decorated by a curl of lemon. The overall effect reflects Holiday’s inner life, which is full of passion, drive, and regret, juxtaposed against the exterior by which others judge her. The scene is spotted with flames of calendula, for the scent of the Mother Superior.
SCORCHED GRACE
Ingredients
Jasmine green tea
1.5 oz Scotch (choose level of peat/smokiness based on personal preference. Any will work, from Dewar’s to Bowmore. If you don’t like Scotch, sub in your favorite whiskey)
1 oz apricot brandy
¼ tsp rose water (or a pinch of dried organic rose petals, steeped with the jasmine tea
Steep the tea until cool, then stir in the rose water and freeze in a mold of any shape, preferably a rose or large cube/sphere. Meanwhile, cut an apricot or small peach in half and sprinkle each side with ½-1 tsp brown sugar. Substitute white sugar if you prefer. If you don’t have a torch, set a small skillet on high. Cook each side of the fruit for a few minutes, until lightly caramelized. Set aside. Once solid, add the Scotch, brandy, and bitters to a mixing glass filled halfway with ice. Stir until well chilled then strain into a rocks glass. Add the jasmine rose ice. Garnish with a bruleed peach or apricot (or fresh if preferred), and a twist of lemon.
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