Is It Too Late for Male Friendship?

There’s a crisis on the fictional island of Inisherin; a civil war has broken out between two men, but its implications reach far beyond them. Every day around 2 PM, Pádraic calls after his friend Colm to have a drink at the pub. Only one day, Colm doesn’t want to have a drink with Pádraic. In fact, he doesn’t ever want to drink with Pádraic again. So begins Martin McDonaugh’s 2022 film The Banshees of Inisherin, a rare depiction of a breakup between male friends that has a lot to say about how men communicate, for better or—more often—worse.

Colm (a grumpy Brendan Gleeson) is someone whose sadness is well known throughout the island. Even the priest regularly checks in with him to ask, “How’s the despair?” Although he’s not dying, he’s plagued by the idea that life is slipping away from him and feels a pressing urge to spend his remaining days making great art in the face of his nonexistence. He’s working on a song called “The Banshees of Inisherin,” which he hopes will outlive him in the way of Mozart’s music. He sees no place for Pádraic in his project, telling Siobhan, Pádraic’s sister, “I just don’t have a place for dullness in me life anymore.” At first, Colm thinks that ditching Pádraic will reduce his despair, but after a fleeting reprieve, inevitably, it returns.

The first time I saw The Banshees of Inisherin, alone in a theater, I understood, even if I didn’t agree with, the reasoning behind Colm’s decision to end his friendship with Pádraic. I have felt Colm’s fear of time slipping, as I suspect all of us who are alive do at one point or another. As someone with depression and anxiety who regularly feels Colm’s particular kind of despair, I know how crushing the idea of mortality can become—how one can mistake urgency for purpose and grasp at fleeting or ill-conceived fixes.

Colm places the blame on his friend—a material reality—rather than on some abstract and looming force of malaise that would be harder to face. Colm mistakes his friend’s dullness for the general mundanity of life, not recognizing it for what it is: something we are all forced to endure, whether alone or together. Cutting off a healthy (if boring) friendship doesn’t buy more time, nor does it buy Colm the peace he desires. Worse, it unravels Pádraic, played by a furrow-browed Colin Farrell, who brings a sadness to the role that conveys the emotional complexity of men otherwise stunted by limited understandings of intimacy.

It’s no secret that men have a hard time being friends, and it may only be getting harder. In a 2021 report conducted by the Survey Center on American Life, 20% of single men reported having no close friends, and only 25% of men reported having at least six close friends, down from over 50% in 1990. According to the survey, men are less likely than women to receive emotional support from friends, less likely to tell their friends they love them, and less likely to share feelings or problems. Those numbers rise when men have female friends, but still, the state of male friendships seems dire. Given the gendered proliferation of mass shootings, alongside growing and higher rates of suicide by men, the statistics point to the overwhelmingly tragic reality of toxic masculinity and a need for new models. Although The Banshees of Inisherin doesn’t end happily, it may nonetheless point to better ways for men to relate to one another, if only we can heed its warnings.

When Pádraic learns that Colm finds him dull, he goes into a spiral that is telling of how the island views men. Using Dominic—a young man with an abusive father and inability to socialize that renders him obnoxious to the other characters—as a reference point, Pádraic begs Siobhan to agree that Pádraic is not the dullest islander. Although she concedes this point, Siobhan quickly loses interest in the ranking system, saying it’s no way to think of people.

Siobhan (Kerry Condon as one of the few female characters, and, interestingly, the only self-assured person on the island) has heard enough of how the men on Inisherin conceive of others. Elsewhere, arguing with Colm, she points out that all the men on the island—not just Pádraic—are boring. As Colm demands silence from Pádraic, Siobhan scoffs at the idea of “one more silent man on Inisherin.” Dull men choosing silence over communication—it’s a dismal response to an abysmal metric of personhood, but it’s the system they’ve agreed to accommodate.

Pádraic has another, better system, but over the course of the film, he slowly loses sight of his confidence in its value. He confronts Colm one night at the pub, pointing out that Colm used to be nice, then worrying aloud that maybe he never was. “I suppose niceness doesn’t last then,” Colm notes, pointing out that art—music, paintings, and poetry—does. “Absolutely no one,” Colm argues, is remembered for being nice, which prompts Pádraic to sweetly recall the niceness of his mother, father, and Siobhan.

Men are so often socialized to be cruel, and it can be difficult to recognize that swimming against that tide is a worthwhile pursuit.

“Forever I’ll remember her,” Pádraic says of Siobhan, not realizing that she is standing behind him, and that she will eventually leave for a job on the Irish mainland. Here, Colm seems to stand alone in thinking that kindness matters, but he’s not wrong. Men are so often socialized to be cruel, and it can be difficult to recognize that swimming against that tide is a worthwhile pursuit.

But even as he champions it, Pádraic’s expression conveys a worried feeling that niceness doesn’t just not last—it might not matter at all. In the scene, Colm is reluctantly sitting next to Dominic’s dad, the police officer who nightly abuses his son. Pádraic can’t square his years of friendship with Colm and the distance between them now. Was all of that kindness and kinship between them real? In this scene, my early sympathy for Colm quickly turned to empathy for Pádraic. After all, I have been that friend, watching a friendship that mattered so much to me suddenly end, seemingly without my input. When we face rejection, a natural response can be to shut down, close ourselves off, and never risk vulnerability again. But that fear, that all relationships will rot just the same, forecloses other relationships that might bloom. It takes a lifetime of practice to remain open, and men are so rarely taught how.

Colm might be right that no one will be remembered for their niceness. But if so, it raises another question: does what outlasts us matter, either? After we’re dead and buried in the ground, with no way of knowing what might have lived on? While alive, Pádraic is right that we remember how people treat us; far more valuable than any notion of creative genius is the notion that people be good to one another. Hoping that we’ll make something lasting is no way to measure a life, since we can no more control what little bit of us might be remembered than we can control our death. How many great artists are lost forever to the crush of time? What we can do now, though, is consider what it means to care for the people we’re stuck with on our little islands of existence, in the short amount of time we have. This, in essence, is Pádraic’s better system of measurement. And though he loses his grip on this truth over the course of the film, watching it, I wanted to reach out and hug him, tell him he wasn’t wrong to choose to live tenderly.

As the film continues, and as his plan fails to bring about the desired result, Colm begins to threaten violence against himself, telling Pádraic he’ll cut off one of his own fingers each time Pádraic bothers him. It’s a baffling ultimatum, using self-harm to send a message, but it’s also an accurate encapsulation of the reality that men so often default to violence—whether against ourselves or others—when words fail us. The film is set during the Irish Civil War, and though the island of Inisherin isn’t part of it, the background of war noise is a reminder that the primary language men speak is violence, so much so that it’s hard to conceive of other ways of talking. Indeed, although losing his fingers would severely limit his ability to play music, Colm is so willing to insist on the point of his isolation that he will sacrifice the only thing that supposedly brings him any joy in this world. He escalates the threat from one finger to four, and the escalation only confuses Pádraic, who misses his friend and would never have wished harm on anyone.

As a result of his crumbling relationship with Colm, Pádraic begins to reject his cherished notion of kindness, hoping to become someone Colm will want to spend time with again. When the men at the pub try to reassure him, telling him that he’s “one of life’s good guys,” it doesn’t ease Pádraic’s mind at all. “I used to think that’d be a nice thing to be,” he complains. “One of life’s good guys. And now, it sounds like the worst thing I ever heard.” So, Pádraic tries to turn mean: when a man arrives in town to make music with Colm, Pádraic tells him that his dad has been hit by a bread truck and might die if he doesn’t return home. He feels proud of himself for this act of revenge—but losing sight of his kindness costs him and the island something greater.

The film is a reminder that the primary language men speak is violence, so much so that it’s hard to conceive of other ways of talking.

At the moment Pádraic decides to be mean, he loses Dominic—another friend, who thought Pádraic was nice, different than the other men. “I am the nicest of them!” Pádraic protests, but it’s too late. Dominic (Barry Keoghan in a standout role of male sensitivity) becomes unable to see kindness in Pádraic, and the two aren’t seen on screen together again. In fact, we don’t see Dominic again until he is floating face down in the waters off Inisherin, an apparent suicide after Siobhan has rejected his romantic advancements. On an island of only a few hundred people, or anywhere for that matter, the premature death of a young man should be deeply felt. But in the world of the film, it’s unclear if any of the characters will notice or care—they weren’t compassionate to Dominic in life, either.

It isn’t clear from the script if Colm’s despair reaches toward suicide, but I know mine does. I’ve been depressed to the point of ideation, and when I was younger, I made loose plans in response to my own vision of a dead-end life. I had a male friend who died by suicide, friends and family who have known men and boys who died by suicide, male friends who have also struggled with ideation or attempts. I’m not surprised by the statistics on male suicides, and though I acknowledge the causes cannot be flattened, I know that the struggle to connect, be vulnerable, and express a range of feelings—from joy to despair—plays a significant role. Watching The Banshees of Inisherin, I see myself in a kaleidoscope of hurting men: Colm, Pádraic, Dominic. I want all of them to hurt less, to live in a culture that raises them to feel, to relate, to better value their lives and the lives of others. In one scene, Pádraic is knocked unconscious by the police officer, and Colm picks him up, puts him back on his wagon, and takes him halfway home. He stops when Pádraic begins to cry, and, though he hesitates, gets off the wagon and goes his separate way—but I wanted him to stay. I wanted Colm to hold Pádraic, or at least to sit still with him, to hear his pain and realize that dullness is just part of life, not a mark against people. I wanted to tell him that enduring it alongside other people makes it easier. It’s kept me alive.

In Irish folklore, a banshee is a female spirit who brings warning of a death. Early in the film, Pádraic tells Colm that there aren’t any banshees on Inisherin, which perhaps allows Pádraic not to heed the warnings delivered by Mrs. McCormick, another islander, who warns him that death is coming. Perhaps it allows him to embrace the mean—might we say male?—spirit that ultimately takes hold of him, that leads him to set fire to Colm’s house at 2 PM, the time he used to call after him, insisting he doesn’t care one way or the other if Colm is inside. The violence engulfs the men of the island, and there seems to be no hope for their civil war to end.

But as they stand on the coast in the wake of their embittered battle, looking out past Inisherin, I found myself hoping they’d start to see their situation differently. The greatest contribution men can make, the greatest legacy we can pursue, is to resist the wave of violence perpetuated by one another, to turn the tide away from the statistics and toward a future in which we value—even celebrate—vulnerability and companionship. It’s not too late to heed the banshee and embrace a softer, kinder vision for ourselves. For everyone’s sake, I have to believe that men can learn to be friends again.

A Young Woman’s Perspective on Being With an Older Man

Formative love affairs and sentimental educations are classic novelistic territory. And for good reason— these connections serve as catalysts, tell stories taut with tension, and leave characters forever changed. Madelaine Lucas’s debut novel Thirst for Salt describes such a relationship, set in a remote Australian beach town as summer shudders into winter. She does so with such nuance and depth that what begins as a love story becomes much more—an exploration of memory, family, the seemingly impossible task of truly knowing another person, and the scars that intimacy leaves behind.

The novel’s narrator recalls her relationship with Jude, an older man she meets while on holiday with her mother, from a distance. She’s many years and an ocean away from him, but Lucas’s delicate and exacting prose weaves the present and past together with immediacy. Her sentences reflect an exacting eye for detail and landscape, while creating a world rich with texture and character. As I read, I could hear Patsy Cline’s voice echoing off the beams of Jude’s house by the beach, feel the bracing winter wind rattle the windows.

Thirst for Salt questions how we remember, roads not taken, and what happens when desire and connection turn to loss. Having read and known Lucas for years, I’m always moved by the wisdom and empathy inherent in everything she writes. Her novel is a testament to love in all its forms, and how it shapes us, like I’ve never read before.


Francesca Giacco: Thirst for Salt revolves around a long-ago love affair between the narrator and Jude, a man 18 years her senior. We’ve both written about relationships with this dynamic—it’s one that’s been written about many, many times. What interested you about an age difference like this? How did you explore it and subvert it?

Madelaine Lucas: Originally, I was drawn to the dynamic of a younger woman and older man because I saw it as a way to dramatize the larger structural power imbalance between men and women within the more intimate space of a romantic relationship. But as I continued working on the novel, I realized that the characters couldn’t just be symbols representing something—they had to feel like real people. Even though the May-December romance is a cliché, these narratives tend to be driven by a man’s desire for a younger woman. To me, the question of what the younger woman is getting out of the relationship is a more interesting one, and in my narrator’s case, the answer is not so obvious. Jude has more experience than her by virtue of being older, and he’s at a more stable stage of life, but her desire for him isn’t clearly based on trying to get close to power or capital. The issue with cliches is that they erase complexity, and so I wanted to bring some nuance to this dynamic by looking at it more closely, and writing about it in a way that would give my narrator agency.

FG: The power dynamic seems to shift between them throughout the novel, but one thing they both possess and draw strength from is the world they build together. It’s so insular, even claustrophobic at times.

[The May-December romance narratives] tend to be driven by a man’s desire for a younger woman. To me, the question of what the younger woman is getting out of the relationship is a more interesting one.

ML: The power couldn’t constantly go in one direction, because then their relationship would be static, and that didn’t feel true to any experience of intimacy I’ve had. There are always shifts between who feels like the more loving one versus the more loved one, or who feels more in control or more vulnerable. That daily ebb and flow was one of the things I wanted to illuminate.

FG: There are glimmers of the narrator’s life outside this relationship, and they’re almost startling, given how focused she and Jude are on one another. Why do you think their relationship needed to be so contained and symbiotic?

ML: One of the things I most wanted to explore in the novel was that first experience of adult intimacy, where you can really imagine building a life with someone for the first time. That can be equally formative as first love, though I feel like there isn’t as much literature dedicated to it. There is a stage of that kind of love that can be quite myopic and insular, and I wanted to immerse the reader in that private, domestic world.

FG: Water is a constant throughout this story. It’s comfort and danger. It mirrors and obscures. What was it about water, rain, the ocean that captivated you and became so essential to the novel?

ML: I’ve always lived in places where water is very present, whether that’s in coastal places like Sydney or even here in New York. For me, it’s been a way to connect to my own emotions and also to feel in the presence of some larger force. Swimming in the ocean—particularly in the beaches around Sydney, where the open water can be quite rough—is so cathartic, and I think it’s partly because you feel your own smallness in the face of its enormity. It puts things into perspective. Also, if you spend a lot of time in your head, as my narrator does, being in the water is a way to connect to your body. The interior noise can float away. 

I was also interested in how the ocean, with its moods, resembles our changeable emotional states. It can move from being calm and placid to more chaotic and tumultuous. The ocean’s tidal, cyclical rhythms seemed to parallel those of love, grief and memory.

FG: At certain points, when she’s in the ocean, your narrator notices she’s willing herself to forget what else might be out there with her, the dangers she can’t see. I guess that’s somewhat similar to love, too.

There are always shifts between who feels like the more loving one versus the more loved one, or who feels more in control or more vulnerable. That daily ebb and flow was one of the things I wanted to illuminate.

ML: Yes, both involve suspending your disbelief, knowing that risk is always there but that the pleasure makes it worth it.

FG: There’s a scene in the novel, set in a pub, that, to me, served as a catalyst. Before this scene, the narrator’s foundational relationship is the close one she has with her mother. And after, she starts to create a life with Jude. I also just love scenes set in bars or at parties, because I think they carry so much dramatic potential. Why did you decide to write one, and in this way?

ML: The pub scene is the first time the narrator and Jude have to interact in public view, and it forces them to reckon with how they see each other and themselves, as well as the reactions of others, including Jude’s friends and the narrator’s mother. That scene was one of the most difficult to write. There were a lot of pieces that needed to come together, and I did see it as the climax of Part One, as well as a pivotal moment when they both have to make a decision about whether their relationship can survive outside their own contained world.

FG: You write that “roles can get confused in small families,” which I’ve found to be true. They can become even more confused when a parent is young, or relatively close in age to their children, as the narrator’s mother is. How did you devise this family structure?

ML: I was interested in the way family dynamics are complicated when the usual roles are collapsed or inverted. The narrator and her mother joke that they raised each other “like two sisters”, and while that’s given them a uniquely close bond, having a youthful, impulsive mother also forced the narrator into the position of having to be the responsible, cautious one. In her relationship with Jude, she starts to take risks for the first time, and this challenges the dynamic between her and her mother. Just like romantic relationships, there are patterns in familial relationships, too, and when someone steps out of the part that they normally play, it can feel threatening.

FG: It’s said that our parents’ dynamic with one another serves as our blueprint for future romantic relationships, whether it’s what we want to emulate or avoid. 

ML: Yes, exactly. One of the things I wanted to explore in the novel was the influence of what we learn about love from our parents’ story. The narrator’s choices about love and motherhood, whether they’re similar or different to what she saw growing up, are always made in relation to her own mother in some way. She can’t escape that. 

FG: Henry, the narrator’s brother, is an almost ghostly presence in the novel. He only physically appears once, but is mentioned often, and always as if he holds the promise of male connection, someone she can love in this very straightforward, uncomplicated way. How did you decide to give him this kind of spectral influence? 

ML: Henry is essential to the narrator’s sense of who she is, and her thoughts about motherhood are shaped by the fact that she played a maternal role in caring for this sibling who’s twelve years younger than she is. But she’s at a point in her life that necessitates breaking away from her family as she tries to build something new of her own. Their relationship is not at the forefront of her life at this moment, the way it might have been when they were younger, and because of the big gulf in their ages, they’re not going through the same things at the same time. There is a lot of thinking in the novel about how absence or lack can shape us, so it felt important, for contrast, to show a relationship that isn’t threatened by periods of being apart. Their connection is strong, even if Henry is not a part of her day to day.

FG: Music adds so much depth to the story and its setting. It also becomes a sort of bridge between the narrator and Jude, part of their shared language.

ML: Growing up with musicians and playing music myself, it’s such a huge part of my consciousness. It’s also so bound up with memory—defining moments in my life have been punctuated by the songs I was listening to at those times, and I wanted to replicate this in Thirst for Salt. Referencing a song, to me, is like quoting poetry—it’s another way to add texture and resonance to the story, and a shortcut to revealing something about the characters.

I often joke that one of the most generous things I did for Jude was giving him my taste in music. [Laughs] The scene where the narrator goes through his record collection gives us a glimpse into his interiority that we don’t otherwise get to see.

FG: One of my favorite characters in the book is King, a dog that the couple finds and adopts as their own. Why did you decide to bring him into their lives, as this sort of connective presence?

Part of what makes the end of a relationship so painful is not only the memories of the time you spent together, but the way you mourn forward for the future you never got to live out with that person.

ML: King was a part of the story from the beginning. He has a sort of mythical presence in the book, and, in some ways, I think of him as a manifestation of all the best parts of their relationship. I also wanted the novel to hold visions of love that weren’t romantic. To me, the dog-human connection is one of the most profound we can have. It’s not strictly unconditional, but it’s the closest I’ve come! We learn so much about love and intimacy and tenderness through our interactions with animals. They don’t ask anything of us, and we have a lot of power over how we choose to treat them. It’s revealing, whether we respond to them with kindness or cruelty. 

FG: There’s a lot of bodily detail in the language you use—ripped cuticles, splinters in feet, jellyfish stings. It’s almost as if the landscape, in and outside of the house the narrator shares with Jude, is rejecting her. Do you feel that way?

ML: Yes, nature is always intruding. Sand blows in under the door, wind comes in through cracks in the walls. The narrator has a lot of illusions about Jude’s house being a shelter and those other bodily details are doing similar work of reminding the reader that this place is not as stable or safe as she would like it to be. It’s similar to what we were talking about earlier, the ocean and the danger lurking underneath. On a larger level, I don’t think it’s possible to write or think about the Australian bush without considering the violence that has taken place there with its history of colonial occupation.

FG: The narrator’s mother compares the rarity of two people finding and falling in love with the concept of bad things happening to good people. I thought about that idea coupled with a statement the narrator makes towards the end of the book: that it’s not love and hate that are twins, but love and grief. Do you feel that, in the narrator’s experience and her memory of it, there is gratitude to be found in both?

ML: There is no love without the possibility of loss—knowing this is what gives experiences of love their gravity. Part of what makes the end of a relationship so painful is not only the memories of the time you spent together, but the way you mourn forward for the future you never got to live out with that person. To me, that heartbreak of that lost potential is much more difficult to resolve. There’s another line in the book, in which the narrator says that life might give you everything you want, but not at the right time or with the right person. There’s a bittersweetness to the idea that things may happen for us but not in the order that we expected, or maybe they won’t look like we imagined they would, and this is a big part of what she has to reckon with in her present. But I don’t think those feelings of grief or longing are unproductive. In fact, I think we come to know ourselves through the choices we could have made, but didn’t, as much as those we did.

So yes, I do think of grief, in a way, as an extension of love, or at least as a way that it endures beyond a relationship’s end. Memory is another. I think a huge part of love is our desire to tell stories about it, whether that’s in novels or in songs or in conversations between a mother and a daughter. There’s something about that experience that wants a witness.

My Wife Lived Countless Lives Before She Met Me

“Connie” by Catherine Lacey

Often X made the argument that our supposedly liberal society was illogically puritanical about age differences in romantic partners, that “some” fourteen-year-olds were more mature and capable than adults well over twice their age. I agreed this was a possibility, but it seemed sagacious teens were in shorter supply than lecherous adults, and lust itself has a transfiguring effect, a way of taking action and justifying it later. I’d once had a professor who’d pursued me while I was his student, and though I was technically and legally mature enough to consent, the imbalance of power seemed to me a warning. To this, X groaned: Didn’t I know that personal experience blurred the truth? And furthermore, she said, the professor obviously hadn’t been appealing enough to me, so it wasn’t an adequate example. I did not bring up the fact I’d been quite attracted to him, as I never mentioned any attractions I’d had in the past; I even found it difficult, in her presence, to remember them clearly, so completely my sense of desire and sexuality seemed to rest in her hands. We never reached a conclusion to this disagreement; we simply concluded and re-concluded that there was no use bickering over abstractions, though abstractions continued to be the sole subject of our bickering.

X often spoke of the truth as if it were a stable, glowing object—something just within her grasp—but she argued for the opposite as well, that reality itself was a shifting illusion, never to be known. I believed her on both accounts. I believed nearly everything she ever said.

But the memory of our abstract bickering came to me as I tried to understand X’s long-ago relationship with Connie Converse—whether they were a couple or an intense pair of friends, or whether such a distinction even mattered. Connie was twenty-one years older than X, roughly twice her age when they met, but each of them needed the other—intensely at times—and each of them behaved irrationally about the other in ways that suggest theirs was not a wholly platonic bond.


In November of 1971, after her affair with David Moser was uncovered and she was fired from her job at the deer processing plant, X began traveling vaguely eastward for a few weeks, forging a path of accidents, brief rides between small towns, soup kitchens, gas stations, and women’s crisis centers. “Another crisis center,” she noted in a journal. “It’s beginning to seem I may be having one.”

In her backpack X carried a little cash, a notebook, two photographs, two changes of underwear, a pair of clean socks, a camera, and several newspaper clippings. She had a folding knife tucked into her bra. If anyone asked, she would have said her name was Dorothy Eagle, that she was twenty-one, that she’d been born in Kentucky. If anyone offered her anything, she took it—rides, food, a place to stay, money.

X had no home, no family, no connections—and yet she moved with a propulsive forward force, sure of her fate. She had forgotten her origins and thought only of the future, all her allegiance placed in the years to come.

Her aimless months of hitchhiking away from Montana landed her in Ann Arbor, Michigan, where, on Thanksgiving Day 1971, she met Connie Converse at a soup kitchen where X was eating and Connie was serving. For years, Connie had been living in a deepening depression; volunteering—the only human contact she had aside from her secretarial job—was her primary salve. Connie’s younger brother, Phil, told me she had become preoccupied with the Southern Territory at this time, and the more she read about the famines and prisons and oppression down there, the more pointless life seemed, and the more pointless life seemed, the more she wanted to know about the world’s cruelties.

As is often the case with betrayed love, Connie and X remembered their first meeting differently. In writing, each casts the other as the nexus of their entanglement, remembers herself as the clueless bystander caught up in the other’s plans. In Connie’s unpublished memoir, she wrote that “a young woman named Dorothy Eagle” approached her in tears, saying she’d been turned away at the women’s shelter and needed a place to sleep for a few nights.

“She caught me off guard,” Connie wrote, “and I could hardly believe myself when I said she could stay with me. I don’t know why that seemed like the right thing, as it makes no sense looking back at it . . . Then some months passed and she was still there—I suppose I forgot she was supposed to be looking for a place. Forgot or just didn’t mind.”

X’s diaries—though perhaps they are not to be trusted—tell a different story:

This lady picked me up in a soup kitchen and has put me up in her place for now. Her line was that she was a writer, too, as she’d seen me with my notebook. I can’t imagine how desperate a person has to be to approach a stranger to say that—I’m a writer, too. But I was tired of crisis centers and park benches. Been here a week or something, and every night she starts getting panicky after the sun goes down, like she isn’t sure what to do with me, like something has to be done. I’d say it’s probably doomed.

Connie had been living in Ann Arbor since 1960 after a fifteen-year stint in New York. When she dropped out of college in March of 1945, she’d been certain of her talents as a musician and a writer. Her drive toward a career as an artist was derailed by the Goldman assassination in April of that year, then extinguished when the Great Disunion occurred that autumn. Like many others in their twenties, Connie threw herself into protest and activism nearly full-time—marching, writing letters, volunteering, or reading the horrific news between her temp jobs. When the pace of the movement to liberate the Southern Territory slowed in 1946, returning to her pursuit of folk music and fiction seemed absurd. In a letter to her brother from May of that year, she sums up her problem: “Is life in the small things, in songs or stories, or is it in the large things, in the country, its laws, in the liberty and safety of others? I feel it cannot be in both. I cannot be in both. I am so weary, Phil, I can hardly sleep but I can hardly get out of bed.”

As the years went on she tried to remain in both worlds. She wrote her dour ballads, and occasionally a political essay, while still attending and helping to organize rallies and sit-ins and letter-writing campaigns. Both pursuits were rife with rejection. Demanding liberation of the ST was increasingly Sisyphean, but Connie’s attempts to get a manager for her music career were just as hopeless, and she was losing stamina for open mic nights. Activism became her tool for avoiding her creative ambition, and her music seemed like a time-wasting escape from the urgent reality of her activism. This stalemate continued into the 1950s, punctuated by occasional moments of success—a good show, a new song—and in 1954 she was invited to perform on The Morning Show with Walter Cronkite. None of it was ever quite enough.

The same year as her Morning Show performance, Gene Deitch invited Connie to perform at his salon, a regular event he held and recorded in his Greenwich Village apartment. Connie arrived in a long shapeless dress, leading someone to quip that she’d “just come in from milking the cows,” to which she retorted, “I’ll milk you,” then took up her guitar and began to play. She impressed the crowd that night, though they still found her strange and old-fashioned. The problem, perhaps, was that Connie had all the qualities a male folk musician was allowed to have in the 1950s and none of what was expected of a female singer. She was bewildering when she should have been seductive, rugged when she should have been glamorous. Her songs were about steely women when they should have been about powerful men. Her voice had a stilted, pedantic quality—the sort of irregularity celebrated in Bob Dylan—instead of the nostalgic, mellifluous tone of a woman. A booking agent told her she needed to buy some lipstick and high heels before he could get her gigs. Shades of equality could be seen elsewhere in the Northern Territory, but stages and spotlights still demanded a beautiful docility. At the time, few noticed or cared about correcting the prejudices in an industry seen as ultimately frivolous.

Connie met similar hurdles with her writing. A prominent editor once rejected one of her short stories on the grounds that it was “too morose.” Her essays were often accused of being vitriolic, irrationally negative, or obsessed with trivialities. Now that Emma Goldman’s policies had delivered paid maternity leave, federally mandated equal pay, and subsidies for housework, what did women have to complain about? In 1960, Connie gave up and moved to Ann Arbor, got a job as a secretary, and mostly gave up her creative work. X’s arrival in 1971 diverted Connie from her plans to drive her Volkswagen off a cliff she’d chosen in Canada.


When X and Connie met, each had reached a sort of impasse that seemed to winnow their focus on each other. While Connie had been discouraged enough to believe the impasse was the sole destination of her life, X was young enough to believe she could hurtle herself over it. “I only know that I have to create a powerful monster, since I am such a weak one,” X wrote in the journal she kept while living with Connie. “I have to create a monster apart from me, someone who knows much more than I know, who has a world view, and does not get such simple words wrong.”


Early in December 1971, Phil Converse stopped by to check on his sister, and wrote a letter to his mother about what he found:

There’s this young woman, a Dorothea [sic] Eagle, living with Connie for now. Must be half her age. I think it’s a little strange to just take in a woman we don’t know (homeless?), but it does seem the company has done Connie some good. She has to set her mind on something or else she gets all flustered. She’s cooking in earnest—there was even a big cake under a dome, like a holiday.

When Connie admitted she’d once been a musician, X asked her new friend to sing for her. Connie refused. X kept asking; Connie kept refusing. It was only after X found two tape reels in a closet labeled MUSICKS VOLUME I and MUSICKS VOLUME II—Connie’s home demos and the recording of the Deitch salon—that X first heard her talent. Arriving home from work that evening, Connie was chilled to hear those old recordings again, a past self sneaking into the present.

It seems that the more she loved someone, the more pain she wanted to dredge up, the more demanding she became, no matter the cost, no matter the damage.

This sort of gesture—to force someone into feeling what they wanted to avoid—was something X did all her life to anyone she felt she had the right to change. It seems that the more she loved someone, the more pain she wanted to dredge up, the more demanding she became, no matter the cost, no matter the damage. In her notebooks, Connie recalled that odd morning that her friend Dorothy found a new strategy to force Connie to become (or recall) the sort of person X wanted her to be:

It was a kind of drag, I guess. She layered all these clothes on, kind of stooped a little, wore this wig and dark sunglasses. She came out of her room looking like that and we sat there, eating breakfast. I remember saying, “Well, good morning, and what’s your name?” And she said, “Bee Converse.” And I asked if that meant she was my sister and she said, maybe. My brother, my wife, my husband? Cousin? She kept saying “Maybe” or “Who knows?” And later she went to the piano and started playing “The Ash Grove” and other songs. I sang with her on some of them, something I hadn’t done in years. I didn’t know she played piano. But that was just how we went about things—not having to explain ourselves.

Connie’s brother, Phil, stopped by unannounced one evening that winter and introduced himself to Bee, not realizing she was Dorothy. Having fooled someone without even trying, X had the confidence to go out in public as this new persona. One night in March 1972, Bee joined Connie and a few of her co-workers at a pub. With their two-decade age difference less apparent beneath the costume, they were pegged as a couple right away.

Eileen Ellman, who worked with Connie at The Journal of Conflict Resolution, remembered, “It was so clear how happy they were, would’ve been silly to point it out. But nobody had ever seen Connie Converse with a date. It would be like seeing a cat wearing shoes . . . Then to hear that they had the same last name—where they married already? Or cousins? They tried to shrug it off—just old friends—but nobody was buying it. You could tell from the way Connie looked at her. Something was going on.”

In X’s archive, I could find only one note from Connie, an inscription in a Thomas Bernhard novel: “We are a pair of solitary travelers slogging through the country of our lives.” When X told Connie she was planning to move to New York that spring, Connie discouraged her, insisting that New York was a cesspool of hacks and frauds who just want fame at any cost.“ Anyone will stab you in the back to get ahead,” she said, “and no one wants anything to do with you unless you’re ahead of them in the game, and even then what they most want is to defeat you, take your place . . . That’s all it is, a place full of people eating. Just people eating everything right up.”

But Connie’s objections were no use. At the end of March, X hitchhiked away as suddenly and easily as she’d arrived. Connie stayed in bed, barely ate, lost her job, stopped bathing. Her brother came by to check on her, but she wouldn’t speak to him. A month later, she found several letters in the hill of mail piled up at the front door:

Dear Connie,
Please get in your car and drive to New York City. My address is 23 Grove Street.
Your Friend,
Bee Converse

Dear Connie,
It would do you some good to get out of Ann Arbor. My address is 23 Grove Street in New York City. Bring your guitar.
Your friend,
Bee Converse

Dear Connie,
See my other letters. I am not kidding around here. 23 Grove. New York, NY. That’s Manhattan.
Your friend,
Bee Converse

X also sent a letter signed by “Dorothy”—three pages of yellow stationery in bulbous cursive. “I cannot imagine what might be keeping you in Ann Arbor when there is so much life and opportunity for you here. It is certainly not the same city that you left in 1961. You won’t recognize it. You may not recognize yourself, either. Bee complains of your absence all the time,” she wrote. “People do cling to consciousness, and under the most dreadful circumstances. It shows you that it is all we have, doesn’t it? Waking up, the first and the last privilege, waking up once more.” She must have known, whether explicitly or implicitly, how close Connie always was to suicide.

That night Connie got out the shoebox where she’d hidden the few things that X had left behind—a lighter, a barrette, several bobby pins, and a clipped-out article from a magazine, a profile of a man who’d been orphaned when his unmarried mother murdered his wealthy father. The story, Connie remembered, had been headline news when she’d first moved to New York—a crime of passion, gossip fodder—but she wasn’t sure what interest X would have had for it. The next morning, Connie pocketed the article and the lighter, clipped the barrette into her hair, left a note for her brother saying she was going to find a new life for herself, and drove to New York City. Phil would not see his sister again until he was called in to identify her body, nine years later, in 1981.


As I tried to make sense of X’s relationship with Connie, and as I failed to uncover the truth of it, I sometimes recalled—though I wished I could forget it—that old fight of ours about romance over age gaps, and X’s claim that my personal experience had warped my ability to see this issue clearly. With them, however, expectations were inverted—Connie was the one helplessly in X’s thrall, despite her being twenty years older, and I wonder now if X had always been a thousand years older than anyone, that everyone she ever loved was always a child to her, always something to be molded, to control. Or perhaps it’s all much simpler than that: we cannot see the full and terrible truth of anyone with whom we closely live. Everything blurs when held too near.

10 Tips For Applying to Writing Residencies

Like a lot of writers tackling a book project, I’ve applied to a few residencies with mixed success. But it was only this year, when I reviewed applications for a residency that I had previously attended that I really started to see what makes some applications fail and others really succeed. 

Most of the factors that decide a person’s acceptance are settled before they write their application— namely, the quality of the work, its alignment with the mission of the residency, and their personal qualifications as a writer. But a weak application can get a very established writer passed over with little more than a second thought, while a strong one can send an emerging writer to the top of the short list. So what can you do to put your application in contention? 

1. Be specific about what you plan to do.

We know you’re working on something big. Maybe it’s not a book, but it’s still something hefty, like a series of essays, articles, or poems. Whatever the project, if it’s big enough to benefit from time at a residency, it’s almost certainly too big to do the bulk of the work during your time there. If only for that reason, it’s best to avoid limiting your statement of purpose to something general like “I plan to work on my book.” Say something more specific like, “I plan to finish chapters seven and eight of my book,” or “I plan to complete a revision of my book, with a focus on dialogue.” 

All of us reviewers are alumni and staff of the residency, so we’re quite familiar with the place and the community that’s formed around it. One of the questions on the tops of our minds is how you might fit into it. Often, when discussing applications, I found myself and my fellow reviewers saying things like “I could imagine this person there.” When we could see the person working, that was a good sign for the applicant. Telling us, specifically, what you plan to work on helps us get there. 

2. Lean into your work over your resume.

As a reviewer, I was more interested in the projects the applicants planned to work on.

A residency might be a career milestone, but it’s not a job. Your professional achievements until then give us a sense of who you are. But as a reviewer, I was more interested in the projects the applicants planned to work on. Often, my co-reviewers and I encountered people with impressive careers but who shared very little about their projects. I couldn’t tell if they had just chosen to say very little about their project, or if they hadn’t worked on it enough to know themselves what it was really about. Often, those applications left me wanting to know more about the applicant’s project, but, lacking a real sense of it, I was reluctant to voice my support. Talk about your work and why a residency is a place for it and not just a place for you

3. Choose a sample that relates to your chosen project.

Residencies will often ask you to send your best work as a work sample. Absent more specific guidance, I recommend you pick something related to the project you plan to work on while you’re there. A residency is generally neither a time to start a new project nor a time to finish one. It’s a time to work through the long middle of a project, or, often, through one of its junctures, when research turns to writing, or writing turns to revision. As tempting as it is to send something that’s finished for you, it can be just as— if not more— beneficial to send something that isn’t, along with a note in the accompanying essays explaining where the project stands and how you plan to move it forward. What questions remain unanswered for you? What problems are you still trying to work out? If those mysteries still interest you, there’s a good chance they’ll interest us, as well. 

4. Be honest and show a range of emotions.

You care about your work, you’re excited about the chance to dedicate yourself to it. Maybe you’re also stressed by the day-to-day of life, but you’re also feeling a sense of resolve as you plan to work on it more. Even for professionals, creative endeavors into your life can be messy and emotionally complicated, but being honest about that can make you relatable. One applicant told us she had been working on the book while taking care of her parents. She had managed to make a lot of progress over the last few years, but finding the spare moments had been difficult lately. Still, she said, she needed to see this book through to the end. A residency made sense to her, and it made sense to us, as well. A residency can be a humbling experience: other people have read your work, thought about it seriously, and cast a vote of confidence in you and your project. When applying, it can help to show humility and not just confidence. 

Residencies want to know that you see their special qualities and that you want to take part in them yourself. 

5. Say why now, in particular. It’s always a good time to write in a beautiful setting. But when you’ve been working on a single project for years and you feel stuck and need to rejuvenate your spirit, or you find yourself on the precipice of a creative outpouring, it’s a very good time. If that sounds like you, say so in your application. Even a short residency can be a life-changing experience, a moment when your project finds new life. Show us that you and your project are ready to meet the moment. 

6. Explain why you want to go to this residency, in particular. Every residency is a chance to step away from your daily business and work on something you care deeply about, so what (other than an impending deadline) drew you to this one? A few of the applicants I encountered this cycle told us their project was set in a landscape similar to the area surrounding our residency. For them, the “Why here?” question had an obvious answer. Not every place you’ll apply to will be so perfectly aligned with your work. Even so, residencies want to know that you see their special qualities and that you want to take part in them yourself. 

7. Embrace the communal side of the experience.

A residency isn’t just a nice desk with a view. For a little while, it’s also a place to live— typically in a community of other writers and artists. While you’ll spend most of the allotted time working alone, for the rest of the time, you’ll be with other people, cooking, eating, going for walks, talking about your work.

Don’t assume a selection committee will assess your writing via your work sample alone.

The community spirit can extend beyond your time on site. Residencies often form communities of alumni— people brought together not just because they spent some time in the same place, but because they’ve all elected to make their own uphill journey through a big creative endeavor. The social side of a residency isn’t a burden. It’s a perk, and residencies want you to think of it that way. At the very least, they want people who will take their role as a temporary member of a household seriously, and not leave their dishes in a pile in the sink. For an application, a residency might ask you to write a little bit about your experiences with communal living, but even if it doesn’t, it’s good to signal that you don’t mind living and working alongside other people. One (subtle) way to do that? 

8. Consider your application essays another writing sample.

While your work sample might be the single most important part of your application, bad essays can overshadow it. When a statement of purpose or an autobiographical statement falls way below the allotted word count but leaves a lot of questions unaddressed, or it just feels a little rushed, it makes us wonder why. It’s normal to dislike writing about yourself, but good writing can happen anywhere, including in an essay you’re reluctant to write at all. Don’t assume a selection committee will assess your writing via your work sample alone. If your essays are well written, that counts for your application. If they’re not well written, or not even thoughtfully written, that counts, also. Treat this portion like any other writing assignment that matters to you. Give yourself time, take it seriously, and proofread it a couple times before sending it. 

9. Follow the rules.

This one sounds obvious, but reading applications, I was surprised how often it came up. Applications are a limited way to get to know a person, so admissions committees consider not just what a person wrote, but how they wrote it. When a residency gives applicants 2,000 words for a statement of purpose and they turn in twice that many, that’s not a good sign. Maybe they refashioned an application for another residency without considering the requirements for ours. Or, maybe they saw the rules, but think they’re too important to have to abide by them. That’s not good, either. Following the rules won’t win you a lot of points with the selection committee, but ditching them entirely can make for a really bad first impression. 

10. Keep applying.

We passed on many, many qualified applications this year. Small details make the difference, so keep writing, and keep applying. As you write more and your writing improves, your work samples will as well, and as you apply to more residencies, you’ll get a better sense of how to present yourself to each of them. If you don’t get in anywhere, sign up for their newsletters, mark their deadlines in your calendar, and keep trying!

I Never Made a Living Wage When I Worked in Publishing

I want to tell you a story:

Years ago, when my son was in preschool, I found myself in the human resources of big Harry Potter rich publishing house. I’d crossed the bridge from the New Jersey suburbs we’d found ourselves in. At the time, my husband and I were renting the top floor of a house in one of the toniest suburbs in the county. I didn’t have health insurance, but my husband and children did—through my husband’s home country. We’d just come from there, flown overseas, where things had been easier and cheaper. Childcare was subsidized and my son was happy and I was researching my first novel. But my husband’s green card had been denied and we were broke.

It goes without saying—the need for money is why one works.

To save money a friend of ours lived in the dining room and we had one car. In this tony suburb full of backyard structures and moms who lived in their perfectly manicured fiefdoms, where the only people in the streets were lawn care workers, we stuck out. I didn’t have a Gucci bag. Our car was not German. The roommate in our dining room gave everyone pause. Even if staying at home had been my thing—and it wasn’t—we didn’t have the money to do the things other stay at home moms did. For my son there were no camps, no mommy and me, no enrichment activities like the ones the kids around us took advantage of. I didn’t have money for pilates or yoga or Botox. We didn’t even have money for a proper flat for just the three of us. It was time to I went back to work.

The HR person scrutinized my resume. She asked why I’d changed jobs so frequently, not staying more than a year in any one publishing job. Because I needed to make more money, I told her. I almost rolled my eyes. She knew as well as anyone how low the publishing salaries were. Her eyes narrowed: Are you only interested in the money? My face flushed. Of course I was interested in the money. It goes without saying—the need for money is why one works. I told her that I’d gotten into publishing because of my love of books and the industry. Publishing had been my first real job, my only real job, I told her. I’d taken a few years off to have my son and we’d moved overseas so we’d have family help. But now I was back and I wanted to work.

I didn’t get the job, which was for the best, financially speaking. I’d done the math. My pay would hardly cover the child care costs and travel into the city. In the end, I left publishing. I took a job close to home where I worked as a nurse recruiter. My hours were flexible and no one cared that I hadn’t worked in a couple of years. I made commission. I talked to nurses all day and I did this until my daughter was born. There I was never shamed for working because I needed money.

When I started out in New York City publishing I made 19k a year, 25 years ago. This was a standard salary for editorial assistants and here’s a fact that won’t shock you—it wasn’t a living wage, even then. During that period, I lost my apartment. I squatted in an abandoned building in an apartment that was open to all who wished to enter. I starved. My mother had offered to send me a plane ticket home but refused to help me stay—I decided on my own to do so.

I had one room with a door I could lock. I showered at the Y. There were weeks before my next paycheck where I lived off the dry oatmeal in the office kitchen, learned to order soup and ask for extra bread on dates. I never passed a payphone without checking the coin release for abandoned change. I pushed aside washing machines at the laundromat for stray quarters so I could afford a bagel, a phone call, a subway ride. When a man at a street fair asked me to be a call girl I had a big long think on it before I finally said no.

When my mother had stage four cancer when I was 10, we were not financially ruined. Her union job protected her.

I wanted to live in New York, wanted to work in publishing. I wanted to be a writer. I lived close to the bone, and I had no social life. Getting cheated by a cashier meant the difference between eating a hot dog off the street or starving that night. After some time, I left that publishing house for another and made a few thousand more. But when I left that first job, I also left editorial acquisitions—the sort of job that decides what books get published. I worked for managing ed, copy editing those already acquired manuscripts. Managing editorial departments, production departments, publicity—these jobs generally pay more than acquisitions—which are generally more prestigious and which might explain the sorts of books that we’ve always seen published, continuing to get published. With the extra money, I got out of my squat. I had managed to save the prerequisite first and last month’s rent and some extra money for a bit of furniture, and moved to a room downtown. This was the late 90s when there were still cheap rooms to be had in Manhattan. Then I jumped off to a dotcom that was short lived, but where I finally was paid a living wage. My last boss in publishing asked me how much I would make at the dot com and when I told her, she laughed. “You wouldn’t make that in ten years here,” she said. She might have laughed, but to me it was serious.

The big five publishing houses are owned by huge conglomerate companies. Harper Collins, recently on strike, is owned by News Corp, Rupert Murdoch’s company. They pay these wages because they have always paid these wages—not because they can’t afford to pay better. Publishing is the sort of job that wealthy white people historically did, no one else need apply. Coming from greater Detroit (and not the parts that typically wound up in places like New York City), I had not understood any of this. If I had, I’m not sure I would have come at all. I was willing to pay the enormous price of moving to New York City because I’d been too ignorant to understand the price that would be exacted of me.

My father and mother had followed their calling. Both believed there was something noble in their professions. My father was a reporter who refused any editor or management position he was promoted to. His union job was safe and he was a union man until he retired. My mom was a Detroit public school teacher. When my mother had stage four cancer when I was 10, we were not financially ruined. Her union job protected her. Moving to New York City I hadn’t realized that my dream job was a job for people who had trust funds, or, at the very least, a parent or spouse who helped with rent or paid off credit cards. Not for people with parents who would not, or could not, help them.

…since those years, every interaction I’ve had in the publishing world has reminded me of the difficulties I faced.

Here is a fact: if a person cannot make a living wage in their job, even living as frugally and close to the bone as I was, then the wage is too low.  It’s unconscionable that publishing—especially those with big umbrella corporations like News Corp or the late Sumner Redstone’s company, Paramount Global, continues to pay their publishing employees so little. When I looked at starting salaries of publishing positions today, I was shocked to see they are exactly as low now as they were then, adjusted for inflation. Only now things are much harder. I lived without cable television or a cell phone back then. It would be impossible, especially during the past three years of remote pandemic working, for anyone to live without internet.

It’s especially unconscionable in light of what we know now—and let’s be real, we knew it then—that low wages keep out those with less means, and those from marginalized communities, in particular. This kind of gate-keeping is deeply problematic, and the exact opposite of what publishing should be doing.

Ever an optimist, I believe publishing can change. It’s heartening to watch social media support for these young, underpaid workers. There was no such thing all those years back when I was broke and struggling. We were told that all editorial assistants had it hard; we were told we were paying our dues. And we were told that it was necessary.

A passion alone for literature and books does not pay the rent.

I’d love it if we left that line of thought behind. No one deserves to be underpaid and unsupported. I am now on the other side of the publishing equation, as an author. My life is far more comfortable than it was then thanks to circumstances that had nothing at all to do with the publishing industry. But since those years, every interaction I’ve had in the publishing world has reminded me of the difficulties I faced. I wouldn’t wish those difficulties on anyone. Junior publishing has banded together because the low salaries and workloads were untenable and because rather than leave the industry, as I and so many others did, they’re organizing unions and spreading the word. One publishing house has settled with its striking workers and a few others have committed to raising starting salaries. These are small, but good, steps.

But here is another fact:

People work for money. They go to jobs in order to get paid. Unless they are wealthy, our society demands this from them. A passion alone for literature and books does not pay the rent. It might be easy for publishing executives to forget that reality once they’ve reached a certain income bracket, but it makes it no less a reality. I sat in the HR department of that publishing house because my family needed money, not because I loved books so much. I took that nurse recruiting job because my family needed that money. It goes without saying that nearly everyone in publishing loves books—it should also go without saying that everyone in publishing deserves a living wage.

In “Vintage Contemporaries,” A Young Woman Reconciles Her Idealism With the Realities of Adulthood in New York City

In 1991, 22-year-old white Wisconsinite Emily is the beleaguered assistant to a literary agent. She wants to be a writer, she loves Literature with a capital L, and she’s unimpressed by the feel-good writing of her mother’s college friend Lucy, who wrote a few novels for a small press. But Emily appreciates that Lucy is a real author who she might be able to take on as a client—and that Lucy acts as a sort of adulthood midwife, taking Emily to cocktail parties and teaching her to cook. Meanwhile, Emily becomes friends with another Emily, a brilliant, volatile, and effortlessly cool aspiring theatre director who lives in a formerly abandoned East Village squat that was rebuilt by its tenants, and that always seems to be just days away from being seized by the NYPD. In deference to her intense new friend, Emily becomes Em.

15 years later, Em is estranged from Emily, focusing her attention instead on her new baby and feeling simultaneously wondrous, panicked, and exhausted about motherhood. Em, who checked in with the office every day of maternity leave, goes back to work as a senior editor at St. Martin’s Press, trying to publish reprints of Lucy’s books and discovering the problems at her workplace, as well as her place in them—that a thick skin developed from crying in the office bathroom might not be the badge of honor she thinks it is. As Em ages and the city gentrifies, she figures out what she wants out of friendship, work, and art, and her responsibilities to each.

As a suburbs-to-NYC transplant who was an assistant at St. Martin’s in 2006, and as the mother of a young child, much of the book rang true for me—the shitty apartments, the alternating stress and excitement of being a publishing assistant, the pretension about what constitutes coolness and art, and the “I love my baby” mantra of a doting, flailing mom.

Dan Kois and I talked about writing Vintage Contemporaries, his previous career as a bad literary agent, the gendered assumptions in stories of female friendship and new motherhood, writing about race as a white person, and how the working conditions in publishing have only gotten worse.


Katy Hershberger: I really liked Vintage Contemporaries. One of the reasons that it resonated so much with me, I think, is because I worked in publishing for a long time, including at St. Martin’s at the time when Em was there.

Dan Kois: Oh my gosh. Please tell me what errors I made.

KH: You didn’t! I think that your descriptions of the [publishing] houses and those jobs was really spot on. Like St. Martin’s being less formal and less respected, more commercial, than a lot of other publishers. I’m curious how you captured all of that.

DK: It’s totally imagined. In terms of the very specific St. Martin’s of it all, I worked in publishing long, long ago and sort of have this image of St. Martin’s as a slightly scrappy, slightly less formal place where it might be a little bit harder to smuggle the literary into what seemed like a publishing mandate that was more commercial. But that was purely my external view. And so I was trying to sort of imagine my way into what it would be like to work there if you were a slightly literary person who also acknowledged the realities of commercial publishing.

KH: What was your experience in publishing? You worked as a literary agent?

DK: While I was doing an MFA in the late ‘90s, I was an agent’s assistant in Washington, DC. And then a junior agent sort of trying to get my own clients and my own projects. I had a few minor successes and one sort of large success that turned into an enormous personal failure. And then within a few years, I stopped working and publishing because it seemed clear that being an agent specifically was not for me, and I was not good at it. I took it too personally when I was unable to sell things that I really believed in. And I really struggled with the way that it required a certain kind of knowingness—a certain kind of always seeming like you are a step ahead of things and that you were constantly playing a game, and I felt like I was not good at playing that game. And I didn’t enjoy faking at parties that I’d read every book that everyone mentioned, or navigating lunches that were semi-social but also actually commercial. I just didn’t feel good at that. It made me unhappy. And also my clients were not that happy because I was not securing good deals for them, because it turned out I wasn’t a good agent.

KH: Do you feel like some of that feeling is specific to publishing or specific to agenting? Maybe it’s because I started out in publishing and I’ve done it for so long, but in some ways that sort of feels like all of New York or maybe just adulthood and business.

DK: Maybe, and I’m sure that there are aspects of any business environment you get into where there’s a certain amount of faking it ‘til you make it that is involved. But I think that I’ve been lucky enough to end up in a professional world now in which curiosity and a willingness to admit to stuff that you don’t know is actually an advantage rather than a liability. In the sense that journalism tends to reward that kind of curiosity. And also, maybe, I do wonder if the fact that the things that I was having to fake and the people I was having to disappoint were in the realm of literature and books, things that really, really, really mattered to me, made it harder for me to stomach the baloney that I had to go through in order to feel like I was making some kind of difference.

KH: That it might be a little bit too close to how the sausage is made?

DK: Yeah, maybe. I certainly was not good at writing. For example, when I was in that world, I really didn’t feel like I could write anything of my own because every day I felt like I was being exposed to this universe of people who are constantly engaged in analyzing and critiquing, and judging the worth of writing, and I couldn’t even bring myself to make something in the period when I was working in publishing. And that was very frustrating to a person who, I should add, at that time was in an MFA program completely failing to write fiction.

KH: It’s such a disconnect, trying to be a writer and then working with writers.

I didn’t enjoy faking at parties that I’d read every book that everyone mentioned, or navigating lunches that were semi-social but also actually commercial.

DK: Yeah. You know, in journalism I haven’t found it as hard, maybe because journalism is so specifically process-oriented. Like in journalism, there’s very little of “I am being precious about my precious words.” Because that is not the way journalism works and no one has the budget to be precious with your precious words. And so I’ve been able to make my own stuff while doing journalism in a way that I wasn’t able to while I was working in books.

KH: You’ve written about the awkwardness of publishing and promoting your book during the HarperCollins strike [which lasted 66 business days before reaching a deal with management], and your support for the union. Reading this book and being in this moment during the strike, publishing feels very “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” Employees are asking for the same things that they were asking for decades ago and that your characters are dealing with, or in some cases perpetrating. I’m curious about your view of this moment in publishing, in the context of the book.

DK: I don’t think it feels like “the more things change, the more they stay the same.” They seem worse. I don’t know if you noticed, but the characters in my book have their weekends off. They don’t really have to deal with a lot of email at night. So it kind of seems worse now. It certainly seems worse than when I was in publishing. And it is true that the things the young publishing characters in the book face—having their work feel unappreciated, and being underpaid, and facing low-level or high-level kinds of abuse in the workplace—are definitely not gone, but they also seem to have been added to, in the way that almost every job I know of has been made substantially worse in the last 20 years by having to be constantly available, and the shrinkage of every industry but the growth of every individual job so that everyone now is doing the job that once upon a time would be done by seven different people. So that all seems way worse. Sorry, that’s depressing.

KH: It doesn’t make it not true. 

I also thought a lot about how this book fits in with this long history of stories about female friendship, where there’s sort of one wild alpha friend and the other one’s more of a follower. Toni Morrison, Elena Ferrante, Julie Buntin’s Marlena… Do you think this kind of friendship is specific to women?

DK: I’m sure that can’t be universally true. I do think—and my agent made this argument to me when this book was in revisions—that thinking of these particular kinds of friendships, in the context of their literary precedents, is something that is somewhat unique to young literary women. That thinking to yourself, “which Ferrante character am I?”, thinking of yourself in the context of which one of this universal diametric am I that I’m intimately familiar with from the books that I’ve been reading all my life, does seem in some ways specific to women. At least I’ve never had that experience when I was in friendships that resembled these in different ways. So I don’t know that the friendship is specific, but I do think there’s something a little bit gendered about having these kinds of friendships presented to you over your cultural life, and then finding yourself inside one of them and having this way to contextualize the thing that you find yourselves in.

KH: So it’s more that women might be mapping their own experiences on to these kinds of narratives that they’ve seen.

Almost every job has been made worse in the last 20 years by having to be constantly available, and the shrinkage of every industry but the growth of every individual job that would have been done by seven different people.

DK: Right, or mapping the narratives on to their own experience. Finding in the narrative the way to contextualize an experience that they suddenly find themselves in.

KH: I have a similar gendered question about motherhood. Em’s experience of motherhood also felt very familiar to me. I have a toddler, and I think there’s a lot of writing about motherhood recently that kind of explains this feeling of love mixed with ambivalence and exhaustion, boredom and trying to figure out who you are in the context of this new role. Do you think that’s an experience specific to mothers, or is it similar within fathers?

DK: It certainly was my experience. I don’t know how it is for all fathers but that section, minus the very specific nursing complaints and the gendered return to work situation that she finds herself in, maps a lot of the feelings I had, the panic and anxiety and love that I felt during that time when my kids were really little. And which I think, in a lot of ways, my wife also felt and which tons of new parents feel. There are certain expectations and pressures that come in that time and remain incredibly gendered, and certain judgments that moms face that dads don’t seem to face. That’s very woman specific, I think, but this general sense of being overwhelmed with love and happiness, but also anxiety at the same time, definitely came from my own experience.

KH: That’s really interesting. I’ve wondered that a lot personally. There’s, blessedly, so much talk now about the challenges of motherhood and the sort of Nightbitch of it all. But knowing that that’s not necessarily specific to women is really interesting.

DK: I do think it’s like a lot of things: It is a universal human experience that is made 30% worse because of the patriarchy. But it’s nevertheless universal.

KH: I really felt like within this book, Em was sort of realizing her own whiteness, which comes in fits and starts. She starts out this uncomfortable girl from Wisconsin who’s never spent time around Black people, and then becomes closer to people who don’t look like her in this neighborhood, and then eventually marries a Black man, but has to be reminded that she’s still white and still makes white people mistakes. And I was curious about this part of her character and what that was like to write about as a white person.

DK: I think it has been a shared experience for many white people of my generation, coming to terms with the environments in which we were raised and our own discomfort with even talking about racism and our race even more broadly. I think it’s funny in a way to think about it as a bunch of old white people becoming woke. But in fact, for many, many people, one of the journeys into adulthood is truly understanding the way that other people live and view the world, or at least starting to, and starting to understand your own blind spots and shortcomings. 

I simply was not in a place in my life where I was willing to devote a lot of psychic energy and artistic work to shit that made me feel bad.

I was writing a book that was in some ways about starting out 20 and becoming older and learning about all the things that you didn’t understand when you were younger. And that’s been, I think, a really universal experience for a lot of people, that particular kind of learning and understanding. So it was fun for me to explore that and see what it means to grow at least a little bit on all these different fronts. It didn’t seem like you could write this book about this particular kind of generational change without thinking through that aspect of it.

KH: There really is so much of Em reconsidering a lot of her younger life and realizing her own missteps.

DK: Realizing the things that she was right about, and also the things that she was wrong about. And even reconsidering from the context of 38, the person you were when you were 33. A lot of her work experience in the later sections of the book is about her seeing her older self from the perspective of young people and coming to understandings that she didn’t think she would.

KH: Speaking of things that she was both right and wrong about, Lucy’s writing is something that Em didn’t respect a ton at the beginning. It wasn’t considered high art, and she eventually came around on it. And I was really struck by Lucy’s commitment to writing about good things. I’m wondering if that’s a philosophy that you share.

DK: It certainly was while writing this book. That was a pretty personal decision that I had to make in order to even get this book written. A lot of this book happened in very busy times in my life, when I had small and medium-sized children, when I was working hard jobs, and sort of fitting this into the cracks whenever I could. And I found, sort of like Lucy, I simply was not in a place in my life where I was willing to devote a lot of psychic energy and artistic work to shit that made me feel bad. And in some ways that felt a little bit like a cop-out to me, certainly to my 23-year-old self whose feelings about art were way more like Emily’s. I would have viewed it as a huge cop-out, but it was the only way I could do the thing that I wanted to do. And so I just decided that that was the kind of book that this was going to be. 

One of the things that made me happy while writing this book was embedding within the book that particular argument that books like this have value and are not necessarily lesser works of literature than books that reflect a different kind of anxiety or misery about living, or that confront an audience or even challenge an audience emotionally or psychically, in ways that this book simply was not interested in doing. I read a lot of challenging and confrontational books and really love them, but I also am coming as I get older to recognize the value in my life of cultural products that are about happiness, that soothe, that assuage, that don’t pander but that do meet an audience at the spot in their lives where they maybe are.

My Empty Ears Listen for the Shore

Windpipe

Most throats are more
drainpipes than foghorns.

Happiness mimics the horizon,
its clarity dependent on distance.

An estuary froths
with a language of its own.

In stranded abalones
stranded ears thrive.

No wonder the water’s instinct
to haul ashore. No wonder
a seabird’s life demands to fathom.

Like no other, glut.
Let the word test its wings
against your wind.


Mind on Repeat

We call emotion the ways
we didn’t choose to think.

Under the night sky–if countless,
if really countless, the stars don’t count.
You do, and does.

How long it’s been to want
from scratch. Without an echo
of the past want.

So many sorry’s must feel sorry
they’re not redeeming enough.

Sorry for those who, by a leap
of faith, made love
for meal after meal without anyone
to say enough.

What's held
back comes
back in waves.

Soon there's no emotion worthy
of articulating.


On a Lighter Note

To know each flower
is mostly a stem.

Insects–the field, for they are
one and the same
from a distance.

In place of late fruits, simultaneous birds.

The sun lashes out
on the pond full of tadpoles, most
born to feed watersnakes.

Clouds drive off its margins.

The world’s filling up with them.

Was it not heavier before.

A Jewish Girl’s Slow Transformation into An Anti-Semite in WWII France

entre chien et loup”

—French expression: “between dog and wolf,” i.e, twilight or dusk

So opens Tara Ison’s newest novel, At the Hour Between Dog and Wolf, set in WWII France throughout the time of the French collaboration with Nazi Germany. The book follows the slow, horrifying transformation of Danielle, a twelve-year-old Jew in hiding with a Catholic family in the rural farming town of La Perrine. Over the years of the war, Danielle assumes the false identity of a French Catholic girl named Marie-Jeanne, embracing her new life so entirely that she loses hold of what’s real and what’s pretend, forced to live in the liminal space, the twilight, between two identities until her former self is all but consumed. By the end of the book—and the end of the war—Danielle is a devout Catholic and anti-Semite with fascist ideals that betray the very people she belongs to. 

At the Hour Between Dog and Wolf not only examines the calculated ease with which evil spreads and the ways propaganda perpetuates self-sabotage, but it acts as a timely warning in the midst of a global resurgence of fascist rhetoric and glorification of nationalism. Danielle is a character you cling to, even when it makes you sick, and this book is a harrowing reminder of how swiftly we can rationalize our own evil. 

“Maybe that’s the real reason for Confession,” Danielle thinks to herself in the final pages of the book. “Not for God, or priest, or anyone, to bless or forgive you, wash away your sins. Maybe they don’t ever wash away or disappear. But having to put yourself into words means you have to hear yourself. Look at yourself. Make yourself and who you are real.” 


Rachel Reeher: A pillar of the book is the process of performance becoming belief. At such a young and malleable age, Danielle, a Jewish girl, has to perform a level of anti-Semitism throughout WWII in order to stay alive. Can you talk about self-harming ideologies as an engine for the story? 

Tara Ison: Anyone forced to live under an assumed identity eventually struggles with this, especially when the stakes are life and death. Danielle is twelve when the war starts, a very precarious period of adolescence—the sense of self and identity are still forming, fragile. At the same time, she’s a somewhat bratty twelve-year-old, and when she’s first put in this situation, she has a naive arrogance that many adolescents have. She thinks she can handle it. She looks at it like a game of pretend, like she’s practicing for her future as an actress. But as the story goes along, she makes mistakes, she realizes she has to commit to this role, to take it seriously. 

Initially, she’s thrust into the world of a French Catholic family who have varying perspectives on the war. Her fake uncle and fake cousin believe that “foreign Jews,” or Jews who aren’t of French ancestry perhaps should be “returned to their homes.” They don’t see it as being taken away to be exterminated, per say, but there is an anti-immigrant, anti-Semitic feeling in the house. The person she’s closest to, her fake aunt, Berthe, is what I’d call casually anti-Semitic—we’re all children under God, they’re our brothers and sisters, but of course, they’re different from us. 

Danielle is able to brush that off for a time, but gradually she has to start transforming her own ideas in order to reconcile them in her mind. She tells herself they’re talking about other Jews, not her. It doesn’t take long for her own othering of Jews to begin. She knows she’s Jewish, but she’s begun the process of categorizing. There are the foreign Jews—the immigrant Jews who are taking jobs—and then there are French Jews, like her, the harmless ones. Once she starts down that path, the effects of it are insidious. The internalized anti-Semitism takes hold because it feels like a path to safety, to survival. 

It’s like holding a mirror to the French collaboration with Germany. France felt that choice was the only path to surviving as a country. For Danielle, performing anti-Semitism and later embracing it becomes her path to security. By then it’s too late.  

RR: There’s the tension between war and childhood, and the question of whether they can coexist. Danielle tries to remove all the childlike parts of herself, in order to be strong, to be an adult, to be capable. What was your approach to that dichotomy? 

TI: As Danielle settles into her false identity, the fear of making a mistake ceases to be a concern. It’s not a false identity for her anymore, there isn’t a mistake she can make because she really is this new person, this Marie-Jeanne, now. Responsibility becomes something entirely different for her in light of this transformation. She becomes a devout Catholic and starts to internalize the stories of the saint and heroine, Joan of Arc, starts to believe that not only does she, Marie-Jeanne, have a responsibility to save herself and her town, but in many ways to save her country, just like Joan of Arc.

Danielle’s responsibility is also invoked by Vichy propaganda. They were very clever at manipulating their children. Brainwashing, indoctrinating. They knew the children of today could be the fascists of tomorrow, and they wanted to instill in a young generation that responsibility to the state. To the point of self-denial, self-destructiveness even. Danielle buys into the message that she has a duty, an obligation as a young woman, to contribute to the regeneration of a new France. 

Finally, there’s the responsibility to her new family. She truly bonds with her fake aunt and uncle and she even grows to love them. The war continues and the scarcity grows—food is harder and harder to find, survival becomes increasingly difficult. This family took her in when she needed them, and as she matures, she feels it’s her responsibility to give back. 

There’s a paradox—she goes from being a bratty twelve-year-old to, in many ways, being a selfless, caring, responsible young adult, only it’s at the cost of so much. 

RR: At one point the narrative even says, “…but why did God punish them for her sins, make them suffer, all those innocent people? …why did he choose to save her?” Is it an inherently human tendency to place that kind of responsibility or blame on the individual? Is that line of thinking innately tied to religion?

TI: That moment happens late in the novel, when Danielle’s commitment to her new identity finally cracks and she’s forced to confront a connection with the people she’s betrayed and rejected. It’s survivor’s guilt, and the question she’s asking can be either a secular question or a question of faith. 

It can be hard to read books about the things we’re living, seeing on the news at night.

It’s easy to ask yourself why have I been lucky enough to have this job, house, resource, privilege, etc., when others don’t? For those committed to a faith, that question gets asked directly of God. It’s a short step from those questions of God to feeling a sense of responsibility yourself. If You’ve blessed me with life and survival when so many have died, it must be because I have a purpose. There is something You want me to do. Danielle doesn’t know what it is anymore. She convinced herself that she made choices that honored God, that honored the Catholic faith. Now, she’s seen that those choices didn’t result in “good,” that she herself was perpetrating evil. 

By the end of the novel, she’s having both a crisis of identity and a crisis of faith. She’s stripped of any moral certitude, any sense of self. She has nothing to believe in anymore. She’ll have to start all over, to reconstruct an identity for herself. 

RR: One of your epigraphs is from Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, who says, “To do evil, a human being must first of all believe that he’s doing good.” We often hear about the role denial plays in the mentality of the aggressor, like Solzhenitsyn is pointing at—a concept that’s especially relevant when discussing Nazi Germany. But I’m interested, too, in the role of denial for the victim, where forgetting the “truth” or what is “real” might be the only way to survive, to move forward. That feels like a strong undercurrent in this book, too. Is it something you were thinking about?

TI: There are tiers of humanity that embrace evil for the sake of evil. But the larger tier of people, and the scarier one because it’s so relatable, are the people Solzhenitsyn is referring to. We don’t want to think of ourselves as monsters. So there’s a psychological process of denial, of transforming our belief system in order to support and rationalize our actions so we can sleep at night. 

But Danielle is in a sort of in-between—one foot in the world of the victim and the other in the world of the aggressor. She has to convince herself that she’s doing what has to be done to protect herself, her family, her village, France. We’re all susceptible to that kind of rationalizing. It starts with tiny steps, tiny acts of othering. In WWII France, it began with tiny acts. Jews being turned away from non-Jewish restaurants. Once you start doing that, you’re committed to the path. At what point do you draw the line? At what point do you say I’ve gone too far? By then, human beings are being packed into box cars and carried to extermination camps. 

After Danielle has fully assumed the identity of Marie-Jeanne and suppressed or rejected any part of her former self, there’s a scene where she’s writing a letter to someone just after the Jews in the southern zone have been required to wear the Jewish star on their clothing. Initially, the southern zone wasn’t occupied by the Nazis, and Jews there weren’t made to wear the Jewish star, but as the war went on and the noose tightened around France, eventually they were. In this letter, Danielle wonders why people are protesting the new requirement. She wonders how it’s any different than a Christian wearing the crucifix, why it’s not something a Jew would be proud to wear as a sign of their faith. Part of that is naivety of what it truly means, but part of it is willful ignorance. By then she knows on a subconscious level what it means, but it’s easier for her to think of it as benign, and not as another step in the perpetration of evil, forcing the victim to self-identify. 

RR: Were there moments that were especially challenging to write?

We don’t want to think of ourselves as monsters. So there’s a psychological process of denial, of transforming our belief system to rationalize our actions so we can sleep at night. 

TI: The ending. Finding the right psychological place for Danielle to land was difficult. I wanted to end on a note of hope, but I’m always thinking about Charles Baxter’s perspective on epiphany—that it rarely happens in real life. We may have moments of insight, of self-awareness, but the truer story is about the journey and not the arrival at revelation. 

I wanted the door to open for Danielle just slightly, a crack. For her to realize she couldn’t continue as the person she’d become, but have no idea how to reconstruct herself in the world. She just knows she has to try. Pushing her too far into self-awareness would have rung false. That final scene required more drafts than I can count. 

I also spent a lot of time on the two scenes between Danielle and Lucien, a Vichy official. Both are grooming scenes. Lucien is a very skilled manipulator who knows how to take this girl’s vulnerable mind, calculate her weaknesses, and lead her gently down a path that will get him what he wants. Information. Allyship. Once someone understands what scares you, that’s the entry point. That’s how he gets in. The trajectory of those scenes was a balancing act. Lucien isn’t a major character in the book, but I found him fascinating. 

RR: You’ve written a book about the mass tolerance of evil. Even though the story takes place almost a century ago, do you find that narratives like these are especially timely for our own cultural climate?

TI: When I first started writing the book twenty-five years ago, I was primarily interested in the psychological trajectory of Danielle. It wasn’t until five or six years ago that I realized how disturbingly timely the narrative is. We’re witnessing a global resurgence of fascist dogma, radical right-wing ideologies, anti-Semitism. Have we learned nothing? It was disturbing in recent years to re-read sections I’d written ten years ago and feel like I was reading a headline from today, or the words of a speech from a current world leader. 

But a contemporary novel about what’s happening in the world today might feel too close to home for some people. It can be hard to read books about the things we’re living, seeing on the news at night. Some people don’t want to spend their reading time going there. But a novel that’s set almost a hundred years ago can allow a reader to access the same issues from what feels like a safer distance. I hope the relevance, the timeliness, the disturbing truth of what we’re reliving does sneak up on the reader. I hope it offers clarity on how it’s happened in the past, how it’s happening now, how it could happen in the future. 

Unraveling the Myths White America Tells Itself

When David Mura’s parents were eleven and fifteen, they were forced, along with their families, to board trains from the West Coast to remote camps in Minidoka, Idaho and Jerome, Arkansas, where they spent much of World War II. A few years back I visited what is left of Jerome— the same “camp” where my father-in-law, aged four, was imprisoned during what became known as the internment. The 120,000 Japanese Americans who were forced to leave the West Coast lost all their land and possessions from before. They also lost their cultural identity. “My dad’s white teacher in the Jerome, Arkansas camp said to his class, ‘When you get out of here you should try to be not 100% American but 200% American,’ ” Mura explains, “So in both conscious and unconscious ways, my parents took as the meaning of their imprisonment that their crime was their Japanese ancestry—and this involved both ethnicity and race, since neither the Italian nor German American (i.e. white) communities were subject to mass imprisonment. Accordingly my parents raised me to assimilate into a white middle class identity as they did.” 

As a consequence, Mura learned to “think like a white person…what I wanted to be,” worshiping patriarchal white heroes like John Wayne and Robert E. Lee. However, in his twenties, “as a result of reading Black writers like Frantz Fanon, James Baldwin, and Toni Morrison, I finally admitted to myself that I was not white and would never be white.” Mura began a lifelong quest exploring his own racial and ethnic identity through essays, poetry, performances, and his memoirs, Turning Japanese: Memoirs of a Sensei and Where the Body Meets Memory: An Odyssey of Race, Sexuality, and Identity. Throughout his career Mura has been exploring the ways he had been taught by whiteness to think about race, only to realize that these stories were filled with lies, distortions and denials.

In his latest book, The Stories Whiteness Tells Itself, Mura examines works by Faulkner and Frantzen, popular films, as well as foundational narratives of white supremacy—Jefferson’s defense of slavery, the whitewashed history of Reconstruction, slavery’s re-creation via mass incarceration—to show how white identity is based on a shared belief in a false history which allows whites to deny their culpability in present and past inequities. Pointing out how implicit and explicit biases regarding Blackness lead to the murders of fellow Minnesotans Philando Castile and George Floyd, Mura demonstrates why we must as a culture change our internalized narratives regarding whiteness, because this ignorance, as most recently illustrated with the murder of Tyre Nichols, is literally a matter of life and death. 


Deirdre Sugiuchi: You live in Minneapolis/ St. Paul. You raised your family there. How did living in this community, the one time home of Philando Castile and George Floyd, inspire you to write The Stories Whiteness Tells Itself? Can you discuss the urgency you felt?

David Mura: I often drive the road where Philando Castile was murdered; I’ve even received a couple speeding tickets there (it’s a notorious speed trap). But as an Asian American I was never in danger the way Castile was.

George Floyd was also murdered a few miles from my home. My middle son, who works at a nearby high school, knows Darnella Frazier, the brave seventeen-year-old who took the video of Floyd’s murder. The demonstrations at the 3rd Precinct were close enough that I rode my bike there.  

When I began the essay about Castile’s murder in 2017, which started my book, I began reading widely about the issues of race in history, political science, economics, law, etc. I quickly realized how intricately the roots of his murder go back in our history—to the ontology of slavery and the division between whiteness and Blackness; to ideological defenses of slavery by Jefferson; to pseudo-scientific studies in the 19th century which viewed every crime by a Black person as evidence of intrinsic Black criminality (crimes by white people did not cast a stain upon white people but were regarded as the acts of specific individuals, often explained through socio-economic circumstances). The idea that the racism of the past—particularly the racist thinking of the past—has no influence on the systemic racism of the present is utterly false, complete nonsense, and is another example of whiteness gaslighting BIPOC Americans. 

That my book ends with an essay on George Floyd’s murder and a coda on the murder of Daunte Wright, is a tragic, cruel and telling irony— in the time since we have continued to see more murders and beatings of Black citizens. 

DS: Can you discuss how the prescriptions of whiteness, “the behaviors and beliefs that have served to protect and preserve the racial status quo since America’s beginning,” impacts the way white America narrates and interprets not just our racial past but also our racial present?

DM: America began with two contradictory goals: One was to establish freedom, equality and democracy. The other was to institute white supremacy and maintain white oppression of Blacks and Native Americans. White America is fine with telling its history through the lens of the first goal, but is decidedly not fine with telling its story through the second lens. In this, the experiences, consciousness and narratives of Black Americans are deemed un-American or too distant in the past for us to consider, unnecessary blemishes or accidents or even harmful, or at best secondary and minor.

Whiteness, as I define it, is a set of beliefs, ideas and practices which, from our very beginning, established white supremacy as a guiding ideology for white people. White people learn and practice this ideology both consciously and unconsciously—hence conscious or explicit bias and unconscious or implicit bias.

My book examines the epistemology of whiteness: white knowledge is always considered objective, valid, true and official; Black knowledge is considered subjective, suspect or invalid, untrue and unofficial—unless whiteness decrees it. You see this in the telling of our history, in Black patients telling doctors of their pain, and in the differences between the ways whites receive police accounts as opposed to Black accounts of police encounters (whether white or not, police uphold the rules of whiteness). In the past few years, it’s not so much that white America has started to believe the narratives of Black people about the police, but that technology—dash cams and cell videos—caught up with police racism. 

DS: In your chapter Philando Castile and the Negation of Black Innocence,” you discuss how since 1619, Blacks in America, as slaves, were regarded as property, as less than human or inferior human beings, and how viewing Black people as property led to viewing Black people collectively as criminals. How did this mindset, of viewing Black people as inherently criminal, impact how the police officer viewed Castile? How did such biases influence the way Castile was covered in the media after his death?

DM: My book takes sometimes difficult academic theories, synthesizes them, and tries to make them comprehensible to non-academic readers—Afropessimism, Hegel’s Master/Slave dialectic, DuBois’s double consciousness, the ontology and epistemology of race, Gates’ Signifying Monkey, Critical Race Theory. I explore these theories because they help us to understand how deeply racial bias and Whiteness are embedded in the American psyche and how complicated that process is. The simplification of race by conservatives and even liberal whites is partly a way to obfuscate the workings of racism and partly a way to silence any racial critiques of whiteness. And yet, BIPOC understand, see and know the reality of racism in America. As one older Black woman said to Wilderson when he addressed a community meeting in the Bay, “I’m not a scholar like you, I didn’t go to college, but when you talked about slavery, that is how I feel. Like a slave.”

The idea that the racism of the past has no influence on the systemic racism of the present is utterly false and is another example of whiteness gaslighting BIPOC Americans.

Officer Yanez, who murdered Castile, had attended a police training, “The Bulletproof Warrior,” which states that the first and primary duty of the police officer is to ensure their own safety and that that the officer’s role is like that of enemy troops in a foreign country—i.e., you are not protecting and serving your fellow citizens. To Yanez there was no possibility of seeing Castile as a fellow citizen, much less “Mr. Rogers with dreadlocks.” Castile was a priori cast in the tautology Black=criminal; whether this association was conscious or unconscious made no difference. Yanez was supposedly responding to his “feeling” that Castile, with his dreadlocks, looked like two Black men who had held up a local convenience store. But Castile was riding with his Black girlfriend and her four-year-old daughter—whom Yanez did not see. In other words, Yanez was incapable of seeing any of the Black occupants in the car. This inability to see the humanity of Black Americans goes back to the original ontology of slavery and white fear of Blacks. 

DS: Can you discuss the danger of proposed legislation like Senator Tom Cotton’s “Saving American History Act,” which prohibits federal funding from being made available to teach the 1619 Project curriculum in elementary and secondary schools, and the various attacks DeSantis has made on education in Florida including the retraining of librarians and refusing to approve AP African American studies. How is this related to racial backlash historically? 

DM: Cotton’s “Saving American History Act” is a prime example of what he purports to not exist—systemic racism. So is DeSantis’ recent attacks on CRT, his administration’s canceling of Florida’s AP African American history, and his working to ban the term “systemic racism” in schools. Both white politicians are trying to silence the experiences, consciousness and narratives of Black people—and this, again, is proof that white supremacy and systemic racism continue to exist, both in our education and government, but also at an epistemological level.   

White America keeps saying the problem is not that white people have abused Black people throughout our history; no, the problem is that Black people keep remembering this history and telling it to white people—which somehow victimizes white people. My verb choice is deliberate: what whites like Cotton and DeSantis exhibit and what whiteness often embodies is the psychology of an abuser, who blames their victim both for the abuse and for not forgetting the abuse. 

Now it’s no surprise that Cotton, DeSantis and white politicians like Trump are engaged in a backlash against racial progress. Obama’s election became a signal to white America of the growing political and cultural power of BIPOC Americans; it made concrete the fact that some time after 2040 white people will no longer constitute a majority. We will all be racial minorities then. And white people are freaking out about their loss of majority status. 

But the same thing happened after the Civil War when, for a brief moment, Black people could vote in the South and won positions in government and began to exercise their rights as citizens. In our schools, we rightly celebrate the Emancipation Proclamation and the 13th, 14th and 15th Amendments. What we don’t examine, though, is how, throughout the post-war South, there were society wide efforts to re-establish the norms and practices of slavery; this involved not only violence and white terrorizing of the Black population, but complicated legal maneuvers and theory, racial pseudo-sociology and medicine, government laws like the Black Codes, discriminatory economic practices, racist organizing and the creation of the myth of the Lost Cause. This myth pictured the ante-bellum South as a valiant, noble way of life; it argued that the true causes for the Civil War were Northern aggression and the defense of states’ rights and not slavery, since Black slaves were not exploited but treated well and were perfectly fine with their lot. Eventually this myth became accepted by the North as part of the bargain the North made to ensure white and national unity. You can see this in the success of Griffith’s The Birth of a Nation and in Gone with the Wind, both the novel and the film. 

Similarly, after the passage of Civil Rights laws in the 1960s and efforts to desegregate public schools, the South began a campaign of backlash and resistance to these laws. The North followed suit when these laws began to be applied to Northern school systems. There was the establishment of systems of religious or private schools, as well as efforts which continue to this day to publicly fund private schools at the expense of public schools. In the South today there are schools and areas as segregated as they were in the 1950s.

Again white America is fine with telling the American story through the lens of racial progress. But it is not fine with telling the tale of white racial backlash, which has followed each and every move towards racial progress. 

DS: What do you think about the Moms for Liberty, a right-wing affiliated group who claim to be “fighting for the survival of America by unifying, educating and empowering parents to defend their parental rights at all levels of government” and are leading book challenges nationally?

America began in the lie of white supremacy and it still has not abandoned that lie.

DM: In the recent controversies over CRT, conservatives like Moms for Liberty are so afraid of Black narratives that they believe the story of six-year-old Ruby Bridges desegregating a New Orleans school in 1960 in the face of a hostile, shouting, spitting white crowd will hurt their fragile white children— rather than leading to their children to be inspired by a brave young Black girl. And yet these white conservatives never seem to be concerned for the “fragility” of Black children and the fact that almost every Black parent must tell their children narratives of police brutality and killings in order to instruct their children how to respond when they encounter police. White children are oh so fragile and need protection, but Black children, why would Moms for Liberty care about them?

DS: You end your book with a call to white Americans to transform their thinking about race.  You once undertook a similar journey. Can you discuss the rewards? 

DM: We all must work on knowing more, on actively combating racial bias and thinking, both in others and particularly in ourselves.

Baldwin stated, “The question of identity is a question inducing the most profound panic, a terror as primary as the mortal fall.” To question one’s identity is as frightening as confronting one’s mortality. And yet, white America, and indeed all Americans in our increasingly diverse country, are confronting experiences and people in our society that challenge our racial identities, the ways we think about and understand race. For white Americans this involves confronting how the ideology of whiteness has shaped their thinking, their beliefs, their practices, and the conditions of their lives. 

In this process, white America must go through stages much like what Helen Kubler-Ross outlined in On Death and Dying: 1) Denial; 2) Anger; 3) Bargaining; 4) Grief; 5) Acceptance. Most white conservatives are in the first two stages; white liberals in the third. They all are in a state of denial, and this denial keeps them trapped in weakness and self-deception.

America began in the lie of white supremacy and it still has not abandoned that lie. When individual white Americans admit this lie, they experience a sense of grief at first—they’ve lost their sense of innocence about America and themselves. But with acceptance comes not just psychological strength and courage, but a sense of relief: Oh, I no longer have to continue defending against the truth, repelling the truth, and thus, I no longer have to push away the experiences, consciousness and narratives of BIPOC Americans. When a white American does this, they come to see that we have never had a pure white America, that the American story cannot be told without the narratives of all of us. 

The shame white Americans feel over being white can only begin to dissipate when a white American accepts the truth about the racism in our past and the racism that continues to function in our country. What should come up then is less about guilt but responsibility and acceptance that we all have a role to play in making this country live up to its ideals. And then that white person can finally admit that the greatness of our country is due in part to the work of Black Americans to make this country more equal. Black Americans have always been on the right side of our racial history—and yet white America has never turned to Black America and said, “You have always been on the right side of history and white people did not recognize this. So now, in the present, we’re going to listen to you, we’re going to follow your lead.” To use Baldwin’s phrase, part of the price of this ticket is learning what BIPOC communities can teach white Americans about what it means to be an American. 

When white America finally does this, when it abandons its loyalty to white supremacist epistemology and narratives, we’ll know we’re on our way to real change and racial equality. 

8 Novels About Complicated Queer Relationships

Queer fiction is experiencing a renaissance, with titles abounding across genres: literary, speculative, graphic, romance, YA. There are even a host of children’s books dedicated to introducing kids to LGBTQIA2S+ themes. Republican lawmakers hell-bent on legislating transness and queerness out of existence have (mercifully) no control over what gets published in our gay little corner of the world, and as long as these books keep getting published—and they will—LGBTQIA2S+ readers will continue to find themselves in fiction, a powerful antidote to heterenormativity and the conservative agenda. 

Happily, we’ve arrived at a time where books with queer characters aren’t just about coming out, getting bullied, or suffering dysphoria. That is to say, queer books aren’t always about queerness so much as they’re about queer characters getting up to the same kind of mischief straight characters have always been allowed to get up to. To be living in an age where queerness can be taken for granted in fiction is a true pleasure, because it means that the cishet experience is no longer the default. This opens things up tremendously: now we’ve got domestic fiction about lesbians and hard sci-fi starring trans people and all kinds of things in between. Instead of being the objects of pity, queer people are now allowed to be messy and complex, to travel to other planets, have situationships and exorcize spirits from haunted houses. 

These eight books are about the perils and rewards of relationships—the queerness of those relationships is both incidental and important. Incidental because, like I said above, we’re finally allowed to take queerness for granted in fiction; important because representation both celebrates and normalizes queer complexity. With Confidence, I wanted to tell a story of love and heartbreak that could belong to anyone, but happens to belong to a gay con artist who’s head over heels for a charismatic and unobtainable huckster of a pansexual lover. All of these books inspired me as I was writing, and I know they’ll continue to inspire generations of queer writers to come.

These Violent Delights by Micah Nemerever

Set in the Pittsburgh of the 1970s, this book is like ice cream sprinkled with cyanide: delicious and dangerous all at once. Paul is a shy college student who develops an obsession with his classmate Julian, a lithesome Dickie Greenleaf type who need only walk into a room to become the center of attention. The two become secret lovers, longing to get out of Pittsburgh and start a life together without the nosiness of teachers and parents holding them back. But their love takes them in a truly toxic direction, resulting in an act of violence that had me gripping the book until my knuckles turned white. Think the creepiness of Leopold and Loeb meets the retro languidness of Call Me by Your Name meets the nerdy arrogance of The Secret History and you’ve got These Violent Delights.  

All This Could Be Different by Sarah Thankam Mathews

Mathews’s sparkling debut follows a group of twentysomething friends in late aughts Wisconsin trying their best to figure themselves and their lives out. Sneha, the book’s protagonist, is a queer first-generation Indian American who lands a consulting job at a Fortune 500 company based in Milwaukee. She graduates college and moves to the strange, tiny city, where she lives above her toxic landlord and struggles to infiltrate the local lesbian scene. When she finally does find her way in, she meets Marina, a beautiful dancer whose Americanness both annoys and fascinates Sneha. The two begin a relationship, and, despite the all-consuming sex, Sneha finds herself struggling to match Marina’s needs for commitment and affection. The book’s sentences are like freshly-tumbled gems, and Mathews is a master when it comes to exploring the millennial condition. It’s no surprise this book was a shortlister for the National Book Award.

Paul Takes the Form of a Mortal Girl by Andrea Lawlor

Lawlor brings the early ‘90s to life in this hilariously irreverent picaresque about Paul, a person who can shapeshift among genders at will. At twenty-three years old, Paul is a stud in the Iowa City queer scene whose conquests are too numerous to count. His ability to casually switch out his sex organs allows him to float among in-groups: he goes from holding court with the burly daddies in Chicago leather bars to having some folksy lesbian sex at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival. Lawlor certainly knows their queer theory: references to Barthes and Butler abound, and Maggie Nelson herself called the book “hot.” Although Paul regularly pines for his dead lover Tony Pinto, the complicated queer relationship in this book is Paul’s with himself— for all his bravado and Tiresian abilities, Paul is still learning who he really is, and that takes quite a lot of trial and error. This book is for anyone who wishes Middlesex had more mixtapes and fanzines.

Giovanni’s Room by James Baldwin

This is a well-known classic, and no list of books about complicated queer relationships would be complete without it. David is a young bisexual American living in Paris: when we meet him, his fiancée Hella has returned to the United States and his ex-boyfriend Giovanni is about to be executed. The slim volume is a book-length flashback to the events leading up to Giovanni’s death. David and Giovanni meet in a gay bar owned by the flamboyant Guillame: Giovanni is handsome and penniless and David is compelled despite himself. When the two start sleeping together in Giovanni’s barren and messy bachelor’s flat, David struggles with questions of sexuality and masculinity, ultimately sleeping with a woman to “prove he’s a man.” But Giovanni clings to David, and when Giovanni is fired from his job at Guillame’s bar he becomes desperate, resulting in the commission of the crime that will lead to his execution. Baldwin’s time as an expatriate in Paris clearly informed this elegant and devastating novel, as did the fact that he was a giant of American letters.

Written on the Body by Jeannette Winterson

In this captivating novel, a nameless and genderless narrator who has trouble committing to relationships becomes obsessed with the beautiful and dynamic Louise. The narrator leaves their partner to pursue Louise, whose physicality Winterson renders on the page in her trademark sumptuous prose. A problem: Louise is married to Elgin, a research physician who thinks he’s on the verge of a breakthrough in cancer treatment. Another problem: Louise has cancer. Elgin confronts the narrator about the affair, talking them into leaving Louise so she can receive the treatment she needs. Heartbroken but convinced they’re saving Louise’s life, the narrator retreats to a cottage in the woods and takes a job at a nearby bar. When a local lesbian convinces them to go back to the city in pursuit of Louise, our narrator learns that Elgin’s intentions were less than noble, and all hell breaks loose. Winterson is a genius when it comes to understanding the body as text, accounting for every detail of Louise’s body with a bookish lover’s tenderness. 

The Price of Salt by Patricia Highsmith

Many of Highsmith’s novels have been adapted for the screen, and it’s no wonder: the books are cinematic in their suspense and thematically timeless. The Price of Salt is no exception—it’s a story of lesbian love in a highly conformist era, when evidence of queerness was enough to lose custody of a child in divorce. Therese is a twentysomething loner in Manhattan with a job in a department store and a boyfriend she’s not attracted to. When Carol walks into the store, chic and self-possessed in her early thirties, Therese develops an instant crush. Carol gives Therese an address to send her purchases to and Therese sends her a Christmas card on a whim. Carol writes back, and an intense love affair begins. Unfortunately, neither of them accounted for Carol’s husband Harge, who’s onto the affair and wants a divorce, and who’s willing to wiretap a room to get it. Things get more turbulent from there, but Highsmith allows us the gift of a happy ending— all too rare in old school novels about queer love. 

An Unkindness of Ghosts by Rivers Solomon 

325 years in the future, a giant spaceship called The Matilda is carrying what’s left of the human race to an as-yet-unidentified new settling place. The ship is structured like a plantation, with Black and Brown people toiling below deck and white people enjoying the fresh air up above. Aster Grey is gloriously neurodivergent and queer—like all below-deckers, her body is essentially gender non-conforming, a fact that fuels much of the above-deckers’ policing and abuse of those below them. Aster is a healer, having trained with Theo, a mixed-raced (but ultimately white-passing) above-deck surgeon. Aster and Theo’s non-platonic relationship is strained when Theo asks her to help him save the ship’s Sovereign, who’s suffering from a mysterious ailment not unlike the one Aster’s mother suffered from before taking her own life. In helping Theo, Aster begins to piece together clues left in her mother’s engineering notebooks about The Matilda’s history, a project that fuels Aster’s desire for insurrection. The world-building in this book is exquisite, the essential queerness of its characters and their relationships is wonderful, and the brutality of Aster’s world—a space-allegory for the ravages of white supremacy—is brilliantly wrought. 

Notes of a Crocodile by Qiu Miaojin 

Set in the post-martial law era of late-’80s and early-’90s Taipei, this bittersweet cult classic is about a group of friends at Taiwan’s most prestigious university navigating love, queerness, and Intro to Chinese Literature. The book is structured as a set of notebooks written by a young lesbian who goes by Lazi: she’s head over heels for the resplendent Shui Ling but too lost in her internalized homophobia to keep up the relationship. Lazi and Shui Ling break up and Lazi goes on to graduate, get her first job, and date other women, all while keeping up with her very gay circle of college friends. But Lazi can’t get Shui Ling—who was her first love—out of her head. 

Intertwined with this fraught love story is a surrealist account of humanoid crocodiles that have begun to crop up all over Taiwan. They dress in human clothes and conduct themselves like humans, but they’re noticeably different— not unlike the queer people who populate Miaojin’s novel. There’s much to love about this book, from its punk epistolary style to its tender portrayal of queer friendship to the playfulness of its crocodile metaphor.