TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: 10 THINGS OF 2015

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing ten things of 2015.

Hotline Bling ★★★★☆
I hear this phrase a lot but I’ll be honest, I have no idea what it means or what it references. I know what a hotline is, and I know that Bling is the search website I use when I can’t log onto Goggle.com but these two words together are meaningless. It’s a catchy phrase. Sometimes when I pass a young person, I’ll say, “hotline bling.” It always makes them smile and laugh. And point at me. And pull out their cellphones and ask me to say it again while they videotape me.

Jeb Bush ★☆☆☆☆
Poor Jeb Bush. He looks perpetually sad. I suppose I would too if everyone liked Ted Cruz better than they like me. If I ever meet Jeb Bush, I’m going to give him a long hug. He’ll resist at first, struggle slightly, then give in and begin sobbing. I’ll bring an extra shirt because mine will be drenched with his tears and mucus. Poor Jeb.

Go Set a Watchman ★★☆☆☆
The sequel to the very popular Watchmen comic book by Alan Moore, this one proved to be very controversial. Although I did not get a chance to read it for myself, I heard a lot of people talking about it. Apparently one of the characters turns out to be racist. For me this would be no big deal, because I always assume all characters are racist. That way I’m not surprised when they are, because these days it seems like everyone is.

Dry Mouth ★☆☆☆☆
2015 was the year of dry mouth. You probably had it. I had it. Everyone who has a mouth had it. But why? None of the scientists I’ve asked have an answer. It could be climate change or it could be a new direction for human evolution. More and more, as people start swallowing their food without chewing, saliva becomes unnecessary. It makes kissing pretty awful and anti-climactic though. Or so I hear. I didn’t kiss anyone in 2015.

Bill Cosby ★★★☆☆
Someone told me Bill Cosby passed away this year. So sad to see him go. At least now all the Bill Cosby memorabilia collectors are excited to see how valuable their collections are!

The I-Phone ★☆☆☆☆
Apple keeps making newer and newer I-Phones. It’s like they just can’t get it right the first time. Or the second. Or the third. They’re up to their sixth attempt I think. After that many tries, why do people keep buying them? Every few months Apple says, “Sorry guys, forget the phone you have. Here’s the real phone we meant to make.” It’s embarrassing.

Murder ★☆☆☆☆
There sure was a lot of murder in 2015. There’s a lot of murder every year, but it seemed to be a big highlight this year. Everyone except the people doing it seem to agree it’s pretty awful, but we kept talking about it. I guess that’s what the murderers wanted, probably more than the murdering. It really bummed me out.

Star Wars ★★★★☆
I got a ticket to Star Wars but as I was about to enter, a young girl kicked me down and took it. So I got a ticket to see Black Mass. As a Boston resident, I was excited to see Johnny Depp’s depiction of mobster Whitey Bulger. True to form, Depp continued his tradition of playing a living cartoon character amidst a world of humans. He is the Roger Rabbit of the real world. I loved Roger Rabbit. Why hasn’t he done more movies?

The Moon ★★★☆☆
No one seemed to really say anything about the moon this year.

David the Butterfly ★★★☆☆
This year they discovered a new butterfly and named it after David Attenborough. I’m guessing they only found one of this butterfly, otherwise it would be strange to name multiple butterflies David. How could you ever tell them apart? If David the Butterfly is anything like David the human, it can walk upright.

Please join me next year when I’ll be reviewing everything.