Ted Wilson Reviews the World: A Baby Hummingbird


Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a baby hummingbird.

Most people when they see a hummingbird will point and say, “Look, a hummingbird.” But no one ever points and says, “Look, a baby hummingbird.” That’s because no one ever sees them. Have you ever seen one? No, you haven’t. Or have you? Maybe, actually. You probably have and didn’t even know it. Like most babies, baby hummingbirds are very small. Picture a regular hummingbird, but farther away than that. That’s basically what a baby hummingbird looks like.

The only reason I was even able to spot one was because he landed on me. I suspect it was my nectar-like sweat. I eat a lot of sweet things, so my sweat tends to be quite tasty. I know this from tasting it myself, but I also know this from the time I was jogging and accidentally bumped my sweaty arm into a guy’s face and I said sorry and he said “no problem, you’re quite yummy.”

When this baby hummingbird landed on my arm I froze with excitement. I also froze with fear because I was worried I would get so excited that I would move. A passerby threw money at my feet because she thought I was a person pretending to be a statue. Or she may have just dropped the money. Either way, I got five bucks.

I couldn’t make out all the details of the hummingbird since my glasses had fallen into the sewer while I was bent over looking for my glasses which I had forgotten were already on my face, but of the details I could see, the baby hummingbird was beautiful. It was a bright yellow color with black lines.

I reached for it cautiously to pick it up between my fingers as gently as possible, and that’s when it pecked me with its tail. It left quite a stinging sensation. Then it curled up and pretended to sleep. I suppose that’s a defense mechanism.

There was no baby hummingbird nest I could find to return the baby bird to no matter how many trees I climbed, so instead I threw it high into the air, knowing it would have no choice but to fly away, and I’m assuming it did. I couldn’t really tell without my glasses on and also because hummingbirds fly so fast it’s impossible to see.

BEST FEATURE: I don’t know because I couldn’t see the thing clearly. It probably had big, cute eyes like all babies do.
WORST FEATURE: It could have been bigger.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a square.

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