Ted Wilson Reviews the World: A Mystery Book

★★☆☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a mystery book.

Thrift stores are some of the best places to buy used books. Not only are the books cheap, but just a few feet away is a brand new outfit waiting for you to pick it out and wear while you read your new book! I chose a pair of overalls.

The downside of buying a book at a thrift store is that the cover might be so utterly mutilated as to render the book’s title and author credit illegible. That’s what happened to me with this mystery book. The cover had been torn in such a way as to eliminate any useful information. And the book’s indicia had been scribbled out. I have no idea what book this is or who wrote it.

And because the entire book is in Spanish I don’t even know what it’s about. I read the book from cover to cover and the only word I recognized was ‘burrito.’ The only clue as to the content is the cover image. It’s a horse eating grass, and in the background is a man being strangled. The horse has no idea what’s going on and all I can think is I hope the horse doesn’t turn around because not only will it have to witness a murder, but there’s no way that horse could get to the victim in time to save him. The horse would undoubtedly be full of guilt for not being able to prevent a death. To be honest, the cover image really fills me with a lot of anxiety.

Another thing about this book that fills me with anxiety is the guilt I feel for buying this book used. The author won’t receive even a quarter from me. Partly because the book was only ten cents, but also because authors don’t make any money from used book sales. It’s the same thing as if I downloaded the book off the internet or borrowed it from the library.

The interesting thing about reading a book you can’t understand is that you never know when the bad part is going to come, so you spend the entire time on the edge of your seat. But then the bad part never comes so you end the story on the edge of your seat, still craving some climax or resolution or something, anything.

There were several pages torn out from the middle of the book. It looked to be about 60 or so pages. I was left wondering what happened in that period. How did the characters’ lives change, if indeed the book has characters in it. And were there any more burritos? I’m never going to know.

BEST FEATURE: When people ask me what I think of this book I can say it’s indescribable and that will make the book sound much better than it is.
WORST FEATURE: Being seen reading a mutilated book with 60 missing pages makes me look weird.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing peanut butter on celery.

More Like This

When Your Childhood Hero Becomes a Sad Clown

Annie Hartnett recommends an excerpt from the debut novel 'Stay Up with Hugo Best' by Erin Somers

Apr 10 - Erin Somers

The Funniest Writing You Haven’t Read

No jokes, no tricks, just seven novels and stories that will make you laugh

Apr 1 - Seth Fried

Have You Patted a Bodega Cat Today?

“How to Placate the Gods of New York,” a graphic story by Matthew Kramer

Apr 1 - Matthew Kramer