TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: A PENCIL I FOUND

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing a pencil I found.

I always try to look down when walking because I don’t want to accidentally make eye contact with a scary person, and I also want to find things. If I have to look up, I try to still feel around a lot with my feet a lot as I walk to make sure I’m not missing anything.

Yesterday I found half a pencil. It was the rear half but still had the tip. Pencils are like puzzles that way; the front and back remain the same and only the middle disappears.

I wondered about this pencil’s past. What lines had it drawn? Did it write a love letter? Did it draw a snowman? There was no way for me to know, so I consulted a psychic. Unfortunately, the psychic said he only knows about people. So I took advantage to ask about the current status of my deceased wife and the psychic said, “I thought you wanted to know about the pencil.” He got me there.

Although I didn’t know what the pencil’s past was, I knew I was in control of its future. So I sat down and tried to write a beautiful work of literature with it. When that didn’t work, I decided to copy a beautiful work of literature. Even though I knew plagiarism to be wrong, I wanted this pencil to have a good rest of its life.

As I neared chapter three, I noticed some bite marks on the pencil. I consulted with a dentist to see if she could match the bite marks to any of her patient’s records. She told me to get out of her office.

After several dentists said the same thing (I bet that first dentist called ahead to warn the others), I bit into the pencil to see if maybe the bite marks matched my own. There was a chance this pencil was one I had unknowingly lost. The results were inconclusive. I’ve never found such a mysterious pencil before, and I’ve found a lot of pencils.

Anyway, the pencil’s all gone now. Except for the eraser.

BEST FEATURE: Makes for a decent weapon if nothing else is available.
WORST FEATURE: When I tried to erase what I had written, it just left pink smudge marks all over my paper which only emphasized my mistakes.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Omaha.