Ted Wilson Reviews the World: A Tunnel

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★☆☆☆☆ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing a tunnel.

If a tunnel only has one end, is it really just a long hole? What if the tunnel loops around to itself like the number six? What is it then? A tube? A very simple maze?

I found what I think is a tunnel last week while exploring the woods. It was a small, dark hole that I could only fit into by getting down on my hands and knees. As I made my way, I was overcome with excitement thinking of all the things the tunnel might lead me to. A treasure seemed like the most obvious outcome, but an isolated world where dinosaurs and megafauna still roamed freely didn’t seem impossible. This tunnel could be my key to a new life.

Being only 500 miles from Toronto, the drug capital of Canada, I crossed my fingers I wasn’t crawling through a drug tunnel. Crossing my fingers made it harder to crawl, and after a while they had cramped up in that position, but I was too excited to stop.

After about six hours (I counted out loud to keep track of the time) of crawling in complete darkness, I took a nap. Unfortunately I couldn’t count out loud while sleeping, so I have no idea how long I was in there. Judging by the number of bugs on me when I woke up, assuming one bug crawled on me per hour, I was probably asleep for a few hundred hours.

Being deprived of light, time, sound, friendship, and water left my mind in a strange state. I began to question everything. Where was I going? Why did this tunnel exist? If I ever got out of the tunnel, would life be too overwhelming and would I find myself needing to return to the tunnel for true comfort? Had I become a tunnel person?

I made myself a promise: If after six more hours of crawling, I didn’t find anything, I would slowly crawl backwards until I got out. But after crawling forward for only another minute I hit a wall. It was the end of the tunnel and there was nothing there. There never had been. The tunnel was an illusion. It promised me things it couldn’t deliver and at the end was just nothingness. I had never asked for this tunnel but it was thrust upon me due to poor decision making.

When I finally emerged into the real world again, I heard someone yell, “There he is!” At first I assumed someone had spotted a celebrity, because that’s what I always yell when I spot one. (The only one I’ve ever spotted was Alan Alda.) I looked around and pulled out my autograph book. It turned out to be a search party looking for me. I had never felt so important! Not important enough for anyone to ask for my autograph, apparently, but import to be mentioned on the news as “a confused senior citizen.”

That tunnel stripped me down to nothing, only to build me up again. I was refreshed, renewed, and determined to never hope for anything again.

BEST FEATURE: The guttural screams I released on more than one occasion echoed in a really neat way.
WORST FEATURE: When making my way backwards out of the tunnel, I had to crawl through the spot where I had defecated earlier. That was really my fault more than the tunnel’s, I guess.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a rug.

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