TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: ANTONIN SCALIA

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Antonin Scalia.

Although he looked a lot like an Italian pizza chef (not to be racist, but he probably still made a pretty decent pizza), Antonin Scalia was actually one of America’s most famous judges. Not Judge Judy-level famous, but pretty high up there. He was a member of the very exclusive Supreme Court.

There’s a very popular hobby in America where if someone has a different opinion than yours, you summon as much hatred as you possibly can and direct it at that person. That person might favor a different sports team, religion, or politician. Scalia’s opinions have always been quite polarizing and caused people to spend a lot of time yelling at him instead of spending that time with their families or learning a new skill.

Recently Scalia passed away while on vacation. That seems like one of the best ways to die. Either vacation, or while eating jellybeans. If I choked to death on a jellybean I would be thinking, “I wish someone was here to give me the Heimlich, but at least this is a delicious way to go.”

The internet said Scalia was found with a pillow over his face. Some suspect murder, but I wonder if he wasn’t screaming into the pillow out of frustration over all the means things people were saying about him, and then he just accidentally smothered himself to death. The only people who know the truth is Scalia and his murderer. And if anyone was watching through the window, that person too.

Now that Scalia has left a vacant seat in the Supreme Court, President Obama is to appoint a new judge. The Republicans are upset because they are worried Obama will appoint someone with an opinion different from theirs, so they have angrily announced that they will not consider any nominee at all.

If Obama pulled a funny prank and was somehow able to resurrect Scalia and nominate him, he would be calling the Republican’s bluff and make them look like hypocrites. If they still refused to accept Scalia’s nomination, it would really hurt his feelings.

Obama’s ability to resurrect Scalia would also have profound implications for man’s existence and the nature of death.

BEST FEATURE: His cheeks. Scalia had puffy, rosy cheeks like an angry cherub!
WORST FEATURE: His butt. Not to be mean but it wasn’t that great.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Hawaii.