Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Big League Chew

★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Big League Chew.

If you love how it feels to stuff your mouth full of chewing tobacco, but wish it was hot pink and capable of being blown into a bubble, then Big League Chew is the gum for you. It comes in a pouch just like real chewing tobacco but this shredded gum probably won’t give you cancer. But then again it might. I don’t want to say definitively that it won’t, and then get sued when it does. I’m not a doctor and probably never will be.

Big League Chew is the perfect starter for a child looking to learn the ins and outs of chaw. If you give a child chewing tobacco, a lot of them will think it’s gross and try to spit it out no matter how many pictures you show them of athletes using it. But if you offer the same child a gum that’s made to resemble chewing tobacco, they’re going to gobble it up!

One you’ve got a kid hooked on gum chaw, you can graduate he or she to candy cigarettes. But why stop there? Certainly there’s a market for a candy that mimics steroid use. If you think that’s in bad taste, wait until you taste it. I’m imagining a delicious liquid candy that’s “injected” into the mouth via a fake plastic syringe.

Just like drugs, Big League Chew is incredibly addictive. With most gums there is a clearly defined end point — they come in segments, often individually wrapped. With Big League Chew it is just a giant pouch of gum. You can’t even see the bottom. The only limit is the size of your mouth.

I once put so much Big League Chew in my mouth that I couldn’t close it. I didn’t dare pull the gum out for fear that I would unintentionally extract some of my weaker teeth, so I had to wait two days until my saliva had dissolved enough of the gum that I could finally start chewing it. By that point the flavor was completely gone. I blame the limitations of my body for this, not Big League Chew.

Similar to how bacon can be wrapped around another meat, Big League Chew can be wrapped around other gums. Or you can wrap it around meat like it’s bacon. If you pre-chew it slightly it becomes much more sticky than bacon ever could. And have you ever tried chewing raw bacon like it’s gum? Don’t.

BEST FEATURE: It can be worn like a wig if your head is cold.
WORST FEATURE: When worn as a wig, no one will believe it is your real hair.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a splotch.

About the Author

More Like This

Josh Gondelman Recommends 5 Hilarious Books By Women

The comedian and author of "Nice Try" picks funny books for our "Read More Women" series

Sep 19 - Electric Literature

A Victorian Novelist Attempts To Write Queer Characters Without Getting Censored

They were simply good friends! Barely even friends. They had never met, actually.

Sep 6 - Colin Heasley

Everything We Learned About Women’s Anatomy from Male Authors

Wait, you think women keep their credit cards WHERE?

Aug 2 - Jess Zimmerman