Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Crunch Fitness

★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Crunch Fitness.

I recently joined a gym near my home called Crunch Fitness. If you’re an elementary school student and have never experienced an adult gym, this one is a lot different from what you’d expect. There are no springboards or dodgeballs. No ropes to climb or team captains waiting to pick you last. At this gym you are all alone, unless your personal trainer is with you.

Whenever I’m feeling bad about the way I look, nothing perks me up like going to Crunch Fitness. At first it perks me down because everyone there looks so much better than me and I know I would never have a chance to date any of the women there — unless there is something very wrong with them, or I am the victim of a prank.

But eventually I become so overwhelmed with pity for myself that it turns to a numbness, and the next thing I know I can no longer feel fear, shame, or indignity. All I can feel is the pride I have for being brave enough to wear a tank top that shows the side of my breasts.

It’s good that I can feel so free about my body because people sure like to look at each other a lot at this gym. Sometimes I can feel someone staring at my butt, but I’m too busy staring at someone else’s to care. Then we’re all staring like a human centipede of butt oglers. One time I started staring at my own butt in the mirror not realizing it was my own, and I have to say I liked what I saw.


One of the things I don’t like about Crunch Fitness is the awful odor in the locker room. In many cases I’ve discovered the scent to be my own, but sometimes I can trace it to a locked locker. I don’t know what’s in there. It may be an old salad or something. I’ve mentioned it to the management but they tell me they don’t sell salads, so who knows.

I met a nice guy one day who I asked to spot me, but he said he was just there to use the showers, not work out. I asked him if he would reconsider because my windpipe was being crushed but by the time I got the words out he had struck up a conversation with a young woman and they were exchanging phone numbers.

Overall I enjoyed my time at Crunch Fitness. It made me feel better about myself in ways I didn’t know I felt bad about myself.

BEST FEATURE: Almost unlimited free water from the bathroom sink.
WORST FEATURE: There are a lot of rules that can get you banned.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Alan Thicke.

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