TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: DRAKE

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Drake.

The way computers are these days, you can never be sure if what you’re looking at is real. Is Drake real? Maybe, but having never seen him in real life I can’t be sure. Even real life is not always the best indicator. I saw Tupac live and got really excited. Then I got really disappointed when it turned out someone was toying with me and Tupac was only a hologram. I can’t begin to imagine how disappointed Tupac’s mom must have been.

For the purposes of this review I’m going to assume Drake is real. If I learn otherwise, I’ll update accordingly.

It turns out Drake (Aubrey Graham) is listed in the phone book, so I gave him a call. It also turns out he uses a woman’s voice and refuses to admit that he is Drake. He also refuses to admit that he’s a vampire. It may be that he’s not, but my working theory is that Drake is a nickname for Dracula. Now I don’t believe in vampires, but some people believe they are ones. And why else would he choose such a name, if not to appear young and hip, to attract virgin girls? There are a lot of virgins who seem drawn to Drake.

I’m not sure what his job was before he became a musician. If it’s like other industries, he was probably a musician’s assistant, studying and learning until he perfected his craft. Now he’s a true master, able to play any instrument.

There’s one thing I really don’t like about Drake, and that’s his hands. It’s hard to articulate why they’re so unnerving, but if you look at this photo below, you’ll see what I mean.

Ew.

See what I mean? It’s not Drake’s fault for how his hands are, even though he clearly has enough money to get reconstructive surgery. Or if he’s a hologram, he just needs a better computer programmer to fix those things. Drake loses a full two stars, one for each hand.

BEST FEATURE: There’s no denying Drake has very beautiful facial hair. If he could grow it on his hands that would help a little.
WORST FEATURE: Really, what is with those hands? I’m sorry for posting that photo of them. Please don’t leave me any angry voicemails at (617) 379–2576.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a stair.