Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Email

★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing email.

Do you have email? Most people do. Here’s a tip: It’s pronounced like ‘female’ not like ‘uhmail’ as I had been pronouncing it for the past seven years. It’s pretty embarrassing that no one corrected me sooner.

Email is the perfect solution for anyone who forgets to mail a letter in time. Like if your friend only has a few days left to live and you forget to mail him a letter with a check for the $65.13 you owe him. Instead, you can send an email with a photo of the check, and then you can write, “You’ve meant so much to me and I’m going to miss you. Sorry I didn’t get this check to you in time. ”

Another great thing you can do with email is to email yourself from a fake account when you’re lonely — as if a stranger is reaching out to you. You can do that with a letter too, but by the time the letter arrives the loneliness may have subsided, and then a letter you wrote to yourself will come across as a desperately pathetic act that sends you into a downward spiral of self-pity. Email doesn’t do that.

Probably my favorite thing about email is how you can print them out just as if they were letters. Some emails have messages warning against this, suggesting that saving trees is more important saving memories. But are trees really more important than memories? It depends on the memory.

For all its advantages, there are also some big drawbacks. For instance, did you know email was probably invented by the Russians as a way to dismantle America’s infrastructure beginning with the postal service? And we’ve fallen right into their trap.

Email is driving the postal service out of business, leaving thousands of employees forced to find new careers as U-Tube stars or startup CEOs. I’m assuming, as these are the hottest new jobs.

Every time I send an email I feel a little tinge of guilt, knowing that I’ve played my part in the destruction of America. But that doesn’t stop me from using my email. What does stop me is when the library is closed, or if I lose the email window and can’t find it again. One time someone else at the library found my email window and emailed swear words to all of my friends.

BEST FEATURE: Obama sends me emails.
WORST FEATURE: A man emailed me about a business opportunity and it didn’t work out as I had hoped. Now I’m selling magazine subscriptions and if I don’t sell enough in time he will own my house. You can contact me if you’d like to receive The New Yorker or PCWorld in your mailbox on a regular basis.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Brangelina.