TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: INVASIVE PASSION
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Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Invasive Passion.
Author Sasha Fabien recently released Invasive Passion: Book 1: Dark Trust, one of the hottest new erotic novels on the market today. It has everything you could want from an erotic novel including but not limited to car chases, dolphin dances, dead children, prison, and of course a lot of orgasms (male and female).
Full disclosure: I am Sasha’s agent, but I can assure you my review is unbiased. As evidence, I will admit that reading portions of her novel gave me an erection. Unfortunately I was sitting on a bench at the mall and unable to stand up for fear of someone seeing. Everyone passing knew I had a penis, but none would have guessed what it was doing.
As the agent for this book, it was my job to help promote it. I had expected the book would promote itself because of its fresh take on the genre, but it turns out no matter how good a book is, no one will be interested unless the author is famous or Oprah talks about it. And Oprah never returned any of my calls. If you’re thinking I had the wrong number, I didn’t. I called all the Oprahs in the phone book and even dialed some random numbers just in case. One of them must have been right.
Oprah, if you’re reading this, here are a few excerpts from the book to show you what you’re missing:
Cheryl awoke the next day feeling refreshed. Her old life was behind her and she could begin anew. Whoever she wanted to be, whatever she wanted to do, any of it could happen now. She could become a nurse, or a vegetarian. She could learn to play chess or build a website. Anything was possible.
* * *
They laughed and swam, and only a few meters off shore they met the family of dolphins, who immediately encircled them.
Cheryl reached out and felt the smooth, firm muscle of the man dolphin as it swam past. The dolphins welcomed them as if they were not humans, but fellow dolphins. Bruce climbed onto the back of one and pulled Cheryl up with him. Their soaking wet bodies glistened atop the dolphin as it swam up and down, undulating in front of the sunset.
Bruce took Cheryl hard and kissed her with both hands grabbing her head. She ran her hands down his back, digging her nails in and leaving scratch marks. The salt water burned him but he did not care.
* * *
He reached down and picked up a pheasant leg and began to gnaw at it as he continued pounding away. His mouth was dripping with flesh and sauce. He let Cheryl have a bite and she sucked and licked the delicious pheasant, sauce dripping all over her lips. It was even more erotic than the breakfast they had enjoyed at Hooters.
Because children may read this website I have omitted the more graphic passages, but you can rest assured they are hot and heavy. There is a lot of stuff described in Invasive Passion that even I never tried and I’m in my eighties!
I’ve tried to hard to make this book a success. I even bought a billboard with my own money. It cost $12,000 but has yielded little interest. Most people seem to think it’s an ad for that infidelity website.
I just hope my failure as an agent doesn’t ruin my friendship with Sasha or her career. If you’re an agent and would like to take over my duties, please call me immediately at (617) 379–2576. Again, that number is (617) 379–2576.
BEST FEATURE: Literally everything. Just trust me on this.
WORST FEATURE: The book is currently only available in digital format. I wish there were a hardcover available.
Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a cricket.