TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: JAPAN (PART 1: TOKYO)

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Tokyo.

This is part one of a multi-part review, after I mistook a cargo ship for one of those hip neighborhoods where everyone lives in shipping containers. I realized my mistake when I noticed all the guys had beards but none had any babies. It was too late to turn the ship around and I’m a weak swimmer, so I went to Japan instead of the supermarket.

Tokyo is enormous, so the best way to see it all is by hot air balloon. Unfortunately, that’s not allowed. No company offers such a service, and there isn’t even a cool new on-demand hot air balloon startup. I tried starting my own on-demand hot air balloon service but didn’t have the appropriate permits, or funding, or business plan. To be honest, my heart wasn’t really in it. I wasn’t hungry enough.

Having to remain on the ground turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I found all sorts of tiny alleys and little shops that I never could have seen from the sky, unless the hot air balloon also came with a set of binoculars.

One of my favorite spots was a restaurant called Whoopi Goldburger. It’s a little bit of false advertising because Whoopi Goldberg doesn’t work there. They don’t even have a photo of her anywhere. I ordered the Kevin Bacon Burger, which may or may not be made out of Kevin Bacon. I sort of hope so because I’ve always wanted to taste human flesh without being held accountable or having to dismember someone on my own. I’m scared to look up whether Kevin Bacon is still alive.

After this, I went to a coffee place called Bear Pond. The man and woman working there must have received some very upsetting news just before I entered, because they were incredibly rude to me. I’m sure they’re normally quite polite and friendly to customers. I apologized for upsetting them and decided to leave and never return. I wouldn’t want them to ever see my face again and have to associate it with whatever happened to them.

The rest of the people of Tokyo were so nice and polite! It was heavenly. Even the drunk businessman who tried to pull me out of a taxi did it very politely. A woman I held the door for insisted I go through first, despite the fact that she was bleeding severely and trying to get into the ER that I was leaving. It turns out I’m allergic to pig ovaries.

BEST FEATURE: Despite being such a large city, Tokyo is surprisingly warm and cozy. I felt so at home that it was a shock when immigration kicked me out.
WORST FEATURE: Bear Pond Coffee. I felt like crying but I resisted because I think that’s what they wanted.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a monkey.