Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Little Orphan Annie

★★★☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Little Orphan Annie.

There are a lot of orphans in the world but the most famous is Little Orphan Annie. She was first a cartoon, and later became a play and movie. Annie proved to be so popular that many other cartoon orphans followed, such as Batman and Superman. I asked a real orphan also named Annie what she thought of Little Orphan Annie. Real-life Annie said it was an unrealistic depiction of orphan life and asked me if I would adopt her.

It’s unfortunate that cartoon orphans take the spotlight off of real orphans like Annie. It makes real orphans feel insecure about their singing abilities, and it creates false expectations for prospective parents when faced with the harsh reality of what real orphans are like. I learned that the hard way.

In the original Orphan Annie strip, she is adopted by a man who — judging by his attire — I presume to be a butler. Why a butler would choose to take on the responsibility of a child when he already has so many other responsibilities is beyond me.

For the most part, Annie is an okay kid but I generally find her boring. I much prefer the spunkiness of Punky Brewster. If Punky is an orange soda, Annie is a glass of water with sand in it. Nothing against sandy water. Without sandy water we would never have mud or any of the enjoyable mud-related things. What I’m saying is, Little Orphan Annie is like mud to me.

I feel comfortable saying this because she’s not a real girl. If she should ever somehow come to life, I will have to delete this review. If orphans can read, I would feel awful if she read it. I suppose that’s one of the best things about her — she isn’t real, so I’m free to say whatever I want to about her.

Probably the weirdest thing about Annie is that she never changed her clothes. She always wore the same red dress. Some may see it as a bold fashion statement, or a lack of creativity on the part of her creator Harold Gray. I see it as a symbol of her steadfast inability to change. With a butler for a dad she could have had any dress she wanted because he could have sewn one. Traditionally, butlers can sew.

No one knows whatever happened to Little Orphan Annie. Did she go back to the orphanage like some orphans do when things don’t work out? Did she grow up and adopt some orphans of her own? If so, did she force them to all wear matching red dresses in some bizarre attempt to recreate her own childhood?

Maybe she hired a private investigator to find her parents and ask them what the heck. That was my advice to real-life Annie.

BEST FEATURE: Not having any parents makes her origin story a mystery!
WORST FEATURE: Her hair. Have you seen it? It looks her brains were squeezed through the pores of her head like Play-Doh.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing an envelope full of cash.