TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: MARRIAGE

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing marriage.

Marriage is defined as when two people agree they love each other so much that they want to live in a house together, and probably don’t want to have sex with anyone else, at least not for a while. Some people practice what is called an open marriage, where they do get to have sex with other people. This arrangement is typically for people who have so much love to give, it can’t be contained to just one person. Examples include Bill Murray, Bill Cosby, Whoopi Goldberg, Princess Diana, and my neighbor Doug Vogelsang.

I only ever had a regular amount of love, so when I was married I practiced a more traditional marriage; the kind where we spent so much time with each other that our personalities began to bleed together and I couldn’t tell where I ended and where my wife began. She would finish my sentences before I even started speaking. A plate of food would arrive in front of me without me even knowing I was hungry. It was like there were two of me, but one was much more attentive to my needs than the other. It made kissing my wife kind of weird because it was like kissing myself. I was a pretty good kisser, it turns out.

Of course any marriage has good and bad times. In an ideal scenario they balance each other out, but sometimes the bad times are so bad that the couple needs to stop being married. When things are really good, nothing changes. The couple remains married and can’t get more married than before. Not unless before all the couple had was a Wicca ceremony.

Fortunately my wife and I only separated because she died, and they have laws against being married to a dead person. I spent a lot of my marriage secretly wondering who would go first. On the one hand, I hoped it was me, so I wouldn’t have to feel the pain of losing her. But at the same time, I wanted to spare her the pain of losing me by letting her go first. That’s the advantage of divorce — it makes marriage more like a TV show with a finite ending instead of getting cancelled without warning.

All in all, if you find the right partner, marriage is pretty great. Especially if that person is willing to clean your ears for you.

BEST FEATURE: Having someone to pluck the hairs from parts of your body you can’t reach.
WORST FEATURE: Growing so close that you’re willing to fight over things you don’t even care about.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Mad Max.