TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: MEGAMILLIONZ INSTABUX

★★☆☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing Megamillionz Instabux.

Each morning starts with a milk and a Megamillionz Instabux scratch ticket at the corner store. The possible prizes range from a free ticket to I guess a magamillionz dollars. I’m not sure how many zeros are in that.

My hope is to win the Big Prize so I no longer need to fear for anything. With that much money I could be safe forever. I could buy an impenetrable house no criminals or wildlife could enter. If I fell ill, I could pay for doctors so unaffordable that hundreds of poor people succumb to the same illness as me every year.

And when my fears disappear, so too would all inhibition. I would be free to discover and become the real me — whoever that is. So when I scratch the foil off the ticket, it’s not dollar signs I’m hoping to see staring back, but rather my own face, transformed; a new and improved Ted Wilson. One I can barely recognize.

The ticket has some wonderful artwork on the front of it. There’s a cartoon leprechaun struggling to hold onto his pot of gold while someone yanks it away from him. That’s what he gets for being so greedy. Although the imperialist undertones of stripping a culture bare does get me down a little.

I saw a lady in front of me win $25 once. I was disappointed I didn’t leave my house 20 seconds earlier to get to be her, but I was glad to see so much joy brought into her life. She was so happy that she screamed and jumped up and down. The cashier had no response whatsoever and continued reading his phone. I didn’t want the woman to feel alone so I started screaming and jumping up and down, too. Subconsciously I think I was hoping she’d split the money with me, like we’d both somehow won it.

I’ve never won but I guess I can sort of imagine how Charlie felt when he opened that chocolate bar and found his golden ticket. I can also imagine how he felt as he watched several children potentially perish in front of him, because that happened to me once. I wish it had been at a chocolate factory.

BEST FEATURE: The cartoon leprechaun looks like my old uncle Walt who was a real nice guy.
WORST FEATURE: Uncle Walt died many years ago and I sometimes wonder if he wasn’t reincarnated in that cartoon and if his life essence is trapped inside it, frozen, and unable to communicate.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Telly Savalas.