Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My Antique Musket


Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my antique musket.

★☆☆☆☆ (1 out of 5)

I’d been waiting for Antiques Roadshow to come to my town for months in the hopes they would appraise my 200-year-old musket for at least a few hundred dollars. If they did, I’d be able to afford the newest and best cell phone available until the next one comes out.

When Antiques Roadshow finally came to town, my musket and I were first in line to get in. Unfortunately, security wouldn’t let me in with a firearm. As I was about to explain that I didn’t have any gunpowder, lead balls, or a ramrod with which to arm the musket, the security guard yelled at me to stop arguing and then he pinned me to the ground by my neck and with his knee. He continued the yelling even though he was easily close enough for me to hear.

My chances of getting into the show at this point seemed slim, and even if I did, I wouldn’t want to be seen on television with a pee spot on my pants, so I gurgled, “Does anyone know how much this musket is worth and do you want to buy it?” Unfortunately no one responded because they were all too busy filming me with exactly the type of phones I wished I could buy.

When the police arrived in their riot gear they ran right past me and tackled the mustachioed man standing in line with a beautiful Persian rug. It must have been worth thousands. I had to wave the police over and explain that I was most likely the one they had been called for. Me, the guy with the knee on his neck.

After a long explanation, I was let up and the police passed around my musket to laugh at it. They told me that technically it only qualify as commercial grade fireworks, not even close to a firearm. They apologized to me for the confusion and arrested the mustachioed man just in case.

When no one was looking, one of the officers pulled me aside and said I’d never be safe with a musket, and that terrorists and the government were both trying to take my freedom, so I should probably upgrade to his assault rifle, which he then handed to me, before whispering, “Shhh.” He gave me a wink, got back into his armored vehicle, and they all drove off.

I tossed my musket into the trash, slung the assault rifle over my shoulder, and headed to the mall to buy a new cell phone.

BEST FEATURE: There was a spider living in my musket and I named him Roger.
WORST FEATURE: The word musket always makes me think of the Three Musketeers, which is my least favorite candy bar.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Prince.

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