TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: MY BODYGUARD

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my bodyguard.

With all these people attacking other people with guns these days, it seems like no one is safe anymore. That’s why I decided to get a bodyguard.

The bodyguard business is booming and rates have skyrocketed, but can you really put a price on a life? People hiring assassins seem to think so but I disagree. That’s why I took out a loan to keep myself alive.

Banks don’t give out loans for bodyguards, but I met a man on Craigslist who offers personal loans for just about any of life’s problems. Coincidentally, he also moonlights as a bodyguard, so he was able to pay himself directly, while I could repay the loan in easy installments with minimal interest. I’ve never been very good with math so it was great to have someone who could provide both muscle and brains.

It wasn’t soon before his role expanded to include other duties, such as handling my finances and taking my car out multiple times a day to test it and make sure it was running properly. He was proving himself an invaluable part of my life.

I say “he” because he never told me his name. In the bodyguard world, it’s important to keep an appropriate amount of emotional distance. This reduces the emotional pain for the protectee if the bodyguard should ever be killed. Unfortunately his plan didn’t work — I couldn’t help but feel protective of him. It was unavoidable. We all saw this happen in that Kevin Costner movie, The Guardian.

That’s why I hired a bodyguard to protect my bodyguard. Then, another one for that one, and so on, until I hired so many I couldn’t remember who was protecting who. I figured if something happened, certainly someone would be there to stop it.

I appointed my bodyguard/financial advisor as Head Bodyguard, which may have gone to his head, because he fell in love with six different bodyguards. The heart wants what it wants, and I can’t fault him for that, but things got messy for everyone. So many hearts were broken. No matter how many bodyguards you have, none of them can protect the heart.

My bodyguard killed his heart by driving off a cliff with my car. I’ll never forget him, whoever he was.

I had to replace him, so I bought a bodyguard from the ex-con who works at my gas station. My bodyguard is one that leaves me completely emotionally detached — a Colt CM901 assault rifle. Now no one will ever be able to hurt me.

BEST FEATURE: His eyes. He had beautiful eyes.
WORST FEATURE: After he passed away, I had to hire an accountant to look over my finances. It turns out my bodyguard wasn’t very good at math after all.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing My Bodyguard (the movie, not the guy I just reviewed here).