Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My Calculator

★★★★★ (5 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my calculator.

Because so many people are either incapable of doing math in their head, or too lazy to do it on paper, someone invented the calculator. Thank goodness, because now I have one of the best calculators around. Possibly the best ever, but I will only be able to determine that after I have reviewed all the calculators.

First of all, my calculator is pretty incredible because it is actually powered by the sun. Nothing else in my home is powered by the sun. Not my blender, not my alarm clock. Nothing. The only thing that comes close is my magnifying glass which I use to burn sensitive documents.

It’s more than just a calculator, too! If I tape it to my wrist turns it into one of those calculator-watches, albeit with a clock that requires the time be typed in manually.

One downside is the + button doesn’t work, which can make even simple calculations tricky. To add 3 + 3 for instance, I have to multiply 3 x 3, then subtract 3. Or to add 12 + 1, I need to subtract 7 from 20. It’s a bit circuitous but it still gets the job done. I’m not going to throw away such a great calculator just because one button is broken.

If it wasn’t for this calculator I’d never have been able to file my taxes, which would have likely put me in prison. I wouldn’t do well in prison I don’t think. I once had to spend 20 minutes in a broken elevator with strangers and it almost broke me. I was never the same.

When I pass away, I worry about what will happen to my calculator. Someone may not recognize its value and discard it. Or even worse, someone may indeed know how much it meant to me and destroy it out of spite. Burt Creggle over at the VFW would do that. And I’d be too dead to stop him.

BEST FEATURE: When I type out 55378008 and turn it upside down a hilarious thing happens!
WORST FEATURE: If the cops ever wanted to catch me for a crime, my fingerprints are all over that calculator.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Space X.

12 Unforgettable Forests in Literature

More Like This

The Last Passover Songbook You’ll Ever Need

Illustrated sheet music by Sara Lautman

Apr 22 - Sara Lautman

When Your Childhood Hero Becomes a Sad Clown

Annie Hartnett recommends an excerpt from the debut novel 'Stay Up with Hugo Best' by Erin Somers

Apr 10 - Erin Somers

The Funniest Writing You Haven’t Read

No jokes, no tricks, just seven novels and stories that will make you laugh

Apr 1 - Seth Fried