TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: MY HEADPHONES

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my headphones.

I’ve had the same pair of headphones for 36 years. They may not be the hippest looking, or most technologically advanced, but they are a conversation starter. Unfortunately I can’t hear that conversation start when I’m wearing them, so they’re also a conversation ender.

My headphones and I have been through a lot together. If they were alive we would be good friends. In fact, I hired a lady with a microscope to look at them and make sure they’re not alive because if they are, owning living headphones might be the thing that finally puts me on the map.

She said there’s a lot of bacteria and other organic matter on them and I should probably throw them away, but they’re definitely not alive.

They double as earmuffs in the winter time. Not very good earmuffs because they only cover my earholes. If my ears were breasts, my headphones would be a string bikini. But something is better than nothing, and no one is going to turn down even crummy earmuffs when it’s 12° F out.

Sometimes I don’t take my headphones off for days when I’m feeling down, because listening to a classic episode of Topo Gigio or a wacky morning DJ can transport to a distant world where none of my problems exist. Then when I take my headphones off I start to cry again.

The best problem my headphones ever saved me from was the rabid raccoon that broke into my house while I was taking a bath and listening to a Patty Duke cassette. If I had heard what was happening I would have ventured downstairs and the raccoon could have attacked and killed me. There is no cure for rabies.

That’s why it is with great remorse that I have put my headphones up for auction on Ebay.com. I wouldn’t resort to such a thing if I didn’t need the money. I need a new car. That’s why I’m starting the bidding at $20,000. It may sound like a lot but remember these saved my life.

I can’t figure out how to link to the auction so here is a picture of it.

BEST FEATURE: These are basically antiques. They may not be worth much now but just wait.
WORST FEATURE: Ever since I washed these in the sink there is a loud hissing noise. You get used to it.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Pluto.