TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: MY MASCOT

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my mascot.

With the line between corporations and people becoming increasingly blurred, it’s difficult to tell where Walt Disney’s life ended and where it began. Did his corporeal being morph into a bunch of paperwork worth millions? If Disney the corporation is in fact Disney the man, that would make him/it the first person to have his own mascot — Mickey Mouse.

With over 7 billion corporations (people) in the world, it’s now more necessary than ever to stand out, and there’s only so much one can do with fonts and color palettes. That’s why I hired a branding agency to create a mascot that reflects my brand. Unfortunately, their Creative Director didn’t see me the way I see myself and none of the anthropomorphized cartoons they proposed were appropriate. Does a talking refrigerator say “Ted WIlson” to you?

I wanted something real — as real as me — so it made sense that my mascot should be a real person, just like how Scientology has Tom Cruise as their mascot. My mascot’s name is Jeffrey Sobieraj — a name that is sure to become synonymous with Ted Wilson. I don’t know anything about Jeffrey’s personal life, but if he has any loved ones, when they look at him they will only see me. In a way, it’s like his family will become mine and Jeffrey will cease to exist.

Jeffrey signed over all rights to his name and likeness, so if he wants to do anything I haven’t approved of, he’ll need to change his name and get plastic surgery. That is unless I rebrand myself, in which case the rights to Jeffrey’s face will revert to him.

Here’s a trailer for an upcoming Ted Wilson ad campaign featuring the Ted Wilson mascot.

I think it’s a pretty good mascot. It smiles, which is something I do a lot of. It’s also young, which I was once. It’s everything I am and never anything I’m not. Can you imagine Jeffrey wrapping his hands around the throat of a drifter and slowly strangling him to death? Because that’s something I would never do.

What do you think? Does it represent my brand well? Let me know your thoughts! I’ve invested a lot of money in this.

BEST FEATURE: Such clear skin!
WORST FEATURE: According to preliminary market research, it doesn’t appeal to women because of its neck.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a poodle.

Video filmed by Aralyn Beaumont.