Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My Mom’s Old Lamp

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my mom’s old lamp.

Even though my mother died many decades ago, I still think of the lamp that sits in my living room window as hers, because she wrote her name on it. I worry if someone else named Eunice Wilson were to get her hands on the lamp, I might not have much legal ground to stand on.

I considered painting over my mother’s name but it felt like I would in some way be erasing a little bit of her. That’s how I felt when she was buried in the ground. Like I was erasing her. A lot of her.

The man at the funeral home suggested taxidermy as an option for people having trouble letting go. He said it wasn’t legal, but he needed some fast cash before he left town. I considered it briefly, but it likely would have caused a lot of confusion, especially among my mom’s older friends with poor eyesight. Another option would have been to have her taxidermied and then placed inside a taxidermied bear with a removable head. Kind of like she died wearing a bear costume. I’m glad I chose not to do this. I’m scared of bears.

The lamp hasn’t worked in years. The switch is broken, wiring frayed, one of the legs came off, and there’s a crack from the time I fell onto a rock while hiking with the lamp. At this point it’s less a lamp and more of a paperweight with a lampshade. But I still can’t let the lamp go. It’s funny how we can become attached to objects.

My mother never cared much for this lamp but it’s literally the only thing she owned that I still have. For a while I had the couch she died on, but because she was murdered the police took it as evidence.

I saw an identical lamp in a thrift store and considered purchasing it so my mom’s lamp wouldn’t feel so lonely, on the off chance the lamp contains my mother’s ghost. But then I worried the thrift store lamp might have a ghost in it as well, and I don’t know if ghosts can get scared by other ghosts the way humans get scared by ghosts. It was a tough call because the other lamp was only $2.99, which is a good deal as far as lamps go these days.

I have some photos of the lamp in a photo album if you would like to see them. Some are better than others. Please call me at (617) 379–2576 to arrange a time to come over. Unfortunately I can’t show you the lamp in person for fear that it could be damaged.

BEST FEATURE: Because the lamp doesn’t work, it means I can’t electrocute myself on it again.
WORST FEATURE: The lamps is in the shape of a dolphin, which I don’t care much for, because I’m scared of dolphins.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Elliott Gould.