Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My New Car

★☆☆☆☆ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing my new car.

When my old car got stolen, I knew it was time for a new one. And when I saw my stolen car parked in my neighbor’s driveway, I knew I had just parked it there by mistake and it had never been stolen to begin with and I shouldn’t have purchased a new car so hastily.

To make matters more confusing, the new car I bought was the exact same make, model, and color as my old one. So with two identical cars in two driveways side by side, it made it hard to tell which house was mine. To the average passerby it would have looked as if I had two houses.

When the cops came to file a police report on a stolen car matching the description of the car in my driveway, I was worried they would arrest me for stealing my own car. Or if not me, my neighbor. Or both of us, and then let a jury sort it out.

Fortunately I had the presence of mind to wear my Halloween costume (a horse) from last year so as to distract them from noticing my car. My plan worked perfectly. Most of their questions were about why I was dressed as a horse.

After they left, I quickly switched my old car into my driveway and the new car into my neighbor’s driveway. When my neighbor came out and found a car identical to mine in her driveway, she asked me if I knew anything about it. To hide my shame and embarrassment I played dumb.

She was so excited to find a free car in her driveway and took to it very quickly. At first it warmed my heart to see her so happy, but when I realized that I had just accidentally given away a car worth several thousand dollars I started to sweat.

It seemed that my new car was bringing me nothing but grief. Every time I stepped out my front door the car was just sitting there, mocking me. It was a constant reminder of all my dumb mistakes.

So I had a tall, wooden fence constructed to obscure the view of my new car, and now I barely ever think of it. I know it’s probably on the other side of that fence but I never actually see it. I know eventually I’ll forget about the car entirely. It may take a long time but it’ll happen.

Unfortunately I also never see my neighbor anymore. I had to lose her friendship in the process.

BEST FEATURE: My new car had a better cup holder than my old car because the old one had melted in the sun and could only hold melted cups.
WORST FEATURE: I cut my fingertip on the door handle.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a head of lettuce.

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