Ted Wilson Reviews the World: My Overdue Library Book

★☆☆☆☆ (1 out of 5)

Late at night when I wake up in a cold sweat, the cause is one of two things; the memory of the time I beheaded a deer with my car and the head came crashing through the windshield and the antlers almost killed me, or my overdue library book.

I know I need to return it, and I’m going to, but I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. And the longer it sits there, the more the late fee increases, and the less I want to think about it all. To be honest, it fills me with so much dread I almost want to just move and leave the book behind and let the new owners of the house deal with it.

What had once been a magical portal to imaginary lands is now a brick of angst.

My hope is that if I wait long enough, this will become one of those endearing stories you read in the news where a man returns a library book decades after it was checked out and everyone forgives him.

Until that time comes, my story is one of wearing big hats and sunglasses to the library, speaking in a fake Scandinavian accent, and going by the name Tad Winslow.

Worst of all is thinking of all the people I’ve hurt. Strangers have come to the library, looking for the book that I have, and been denied an opportunity to read it. Who knows how that book may have changed those people’s lives? Instead, they had to read something else, like a book about home improvement, and it’s all my fault.

If you have any connections at the Boston Public Library and can help me in some way — I would love to set things right if I can be offered clemency. I can’t take this anymore.

BEST FEATURE: It was free.
WORST FEATURE: It will end up costing me more than I can ever imagine.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a pudding stain.

TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: EINSTEIN’S HEART