Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Pokemon Go

★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Pokemon Go.

There’s a new video game called Pokemon Go. It’s a Japanese knock-off of Pac-Man and can be downloaded from the internet for free.

I was not able to find an arcade room version of this, I think because the Japanese know it’s illegal. My librarian helped show me how to download it onto my phone but doing so involved a very long list of terms and conditions. I read through them all carefully to make sure I agreed with them, and I did.

The librarian asked me if I was sure, because downloading the game meant I was giving the video game company access to all sorts of personal data including being able to track wherever I was at any moment as well as read my email. I paused for a moment, to consider all of the secrets hidden in my emails, but then decided I just really wanted to play the game anyway.

Rather than the maze Pac-Man used to be trapped in, he is now in an earth-like setting, which coincidentally looks exactly like my home town. And let me tell you, the graphics are AMAZING. It’s very realistic looking. I literally can’t tell the difference between the video game and real life.

One of the most unrealistic things about the original version of Pac-Man was how he could get around without rolling. That made no sense. In Pokeman Go they opted to give him arms and legs, rosy red cheeks, and for some reason a lightning bolt tail. He’s much cuter this way. He looks like a yellow squirrel.

To be honest, I didn’t fully understand how to play the game. I couldn’t find a single ghost to eat. There were some cherries though, in a fridge that looked exactly like my own, so I ate them in the hopes of gaining super powers. Nothing seemed to happen though, other than it made me hungry in real life. Only when I went to my fridge to get cherries, they were all gone.

BEST FEATURE: No quarters are required to play.
WORST FEATURE: I crashed my car while playing this game.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing my big toe.

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