TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: POPE FRANCIS

★★★★☆

I wonder who would win in an arm wrestling match between the Pope and the Dali Lama. At first I thought the Pope, because the Dali Lama would not desire to win. But the Dali Lama is always showing off his biceps and they look pretty good for a reincarnated guy. The Pope always has a big, flowing robe on. What’s he hiding under there? You never see him in bike shorts and a tank top. Without seeing the Pope’s physique, I guess it’s a mystery who would win, just like the mystery of which one of their Gods is the real one.

Frankly, the Pope’s outfit seems outdated. It’s never the wrong time to rebrand yourself and the Pope could look at least a little more trendy. Maybe a new hat with a logo on it done in a graffiti artist style. Not Banksy though, because he just traces photographs and that’s not very creative.

At the very least the Pope should grow a beard. Those are very fashionable right now. A lot of religions encourage hair growth, and I saw a priest with a mustache once so I don’t think there are any rules specifically prohibiting it.

The Pope with the casual stubble, and unbuttoned robe of Ryan Reynolds.

The Pope with the casual stubble, and unbuttoned robe of Ryan Gosling.

What I like most about the Pope is how nice he is. I think of myself as a pretty nice guy and the Pope is even nicer than me. Everyone has their breaking point though. For me it’s when someone talks during a movie. I’ll really sush that person. I wonder what it is for the Pope. Maybe if someone dog-ears a bible.

One day the Pope will get replaced, most likely when he dies. That’s usually what does it. People will want a new Pope though, just like when a pet dies and you’re sad but then eventually you get a replacement pet. I expect the Pope will be liked even ore posthumously, also much like a pet.

If I was the Pope I would move out of the Vatican because I don’t like people knowing where I live. That’s why I switched the letters around on my mailbox to read “Wilsno.” That’s also probably why I haven’t gotten any mail in several weeks. (If you’ve written to me and I didn’t reply, please call me at (617) 379–2576.)

If you manage to see the Pope while he’s here, try to get a selfie with him. He has a beautiful smile and seems quite agreeable.

BEST FEATURE: Limitless compassion.
WORST FEATURE: Those hats.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing hogwash.

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