Ted Wilson Reviews the World: The 2016 Olympics

★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the 2016 Olympics.

Every so often the world’s most obsessive athletes come together to see who is the best. This is called the Olympics.

Personally, I’m not that impressed. I can do everything an Olympic athlete can do, but I just can’t do it as well. If you film me swimming or running or whatever and then speed the film up, it will look just the same. The only real difference is it will look more impressive because of my advanced years.

But that brings up a good point: There are no senior citizens at the Olympics this year. I’m pretty sure I saw some last time. I’m not unrealistic. I don’t expect to have an 80-year-old competing against Michael Phelps — someone in their eighties would have way more experience than him. It’s like how in baseball women aren’t allowed because they aren’t as good as men. To make competitions fair, people need to be separated by age, gender, and probably socio-economic circumstance.

If the Olympians stopped being so competitive and played for fun instead of to win, the Olympics would be a lot nicer and less stressful. Anyone could join in.

As it stands today, a lot of people are going to go home when these games are over without having won anything at all. What a disaster that’s going to be. I try not to think about it. I know what it’s like to work really hard for something, day in and day out, and to still not win.

That’s what happened with my hair. I’d been combing my hair for several hours a day for years, trying to keep it smooth and silky, devoid of tangles and bugs. But all the combing irritated my scalp and caused a lot of bleeding which turned to scabs and only attracted bugs. There was no way to avoid hair loss under conditions like those.

One of my favorite Olympians this year is 20-year-old Chinese swimmer Fu Yuanhui. She’s a goofy kid having the time of her life and isn’t afraid to show it. I wish more people were like her — genuine, happy, hardworking people who would devote their lives to a pursuit strictly for my entertainment.

Whichever country wins the Olympics this year, I hope it serves as a lesson to all the other countries that some are simply better than others.

BEST FEATURE: The Olympics appear to always be on. It doesn’t matter when, just turn on your TV and there it is.
WORST FEATURE: I saw one athlete win a bronze medal and when they placed it around her neck I could see how badly she wanted the gold. She was probably wishing it was a noose they were slipping around her neck.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a noose.

More Like This

R. Eric Thomas Wants to Save Your Capitalist Soul

The memoirist on reclaiming the N word, the F word, and the ability to define what it means to be American

Feb 18 - Arriel Vinson

Killing Time on Bad Dates Until the World Ends

"Not the End Yet" by Nicole Flattery, recommended by Colin Barrett

Jan 29 - Nicole Flattery

What Should Classic Books Smell Like?

An upcoming novel called "Bubblegum" will smell like bubblegum. Is this the start of a fragrant trend?

Jan 24 - McKayla Coyle
Thank You!