TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: THE BELLHOP AT THE HOLIDAY INN

★★☆☆☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the bellhop at the Holiday Inn.

I recently stayed at a Holiday Inn because I thought there was a burglar in my house and I figured it would be best to just stay out of his way. I learned later that the burglar was just a brick someone had thrown through my window.

When I checked into the Holiday Inn, the woman at the front desk handed me my key and said, “Arthur will help you with your bags.” I turned around and saw Arthur, a young man with a big smile, excited to carry my bags for me. Unfortunately, because I had left my house in a hurry, all I brought with me was the clothes I was wearing and a head of lettuce I’d grabbed off the counter on the way out.

Arthur looked so excited to have a purpose, so I handed him the lettuce. He asked if that was all I had and his eyes looked so pleading that I unbuttoned my shirt and handed him that as well.

I liked his enthusiasm, although I didn’t care for the guilt it made me feel. I always resent doing things out of guilt and I didn’t like the idea of resenting Arthur because he was just being himself.

He wasn’t very good at conversation. The walk to my room took less than two minutes and in that short amount of time he didn’t ask me anything about where I’m from or if I like the weather or anything like that. The only thing he said was, “Hey look, a pencil” because there was a pencil on the ground. I asked him what he thought about pencils in the hopes to get the conversation started but he just shrugged.

When we reached my room I immediately put my shirt back on and I think while I was doing that, he peeled a couple of leaves off the head of lettuce and shoved them in his pocket. I’m not 100% certain he did, and I would hate to accuse him if he’s innocent, but the lettuce felt a little lighter and he had this strange grin on his face as if he’d just pulled the wool over my eyes.

He was clearly angling for a tip but I felt like the lettuce leaves he stole were tip enough. So I used my eyes to say, “Didn’t you already get a tip?” Then he completely ignored my question and used his mouth to tell me to have a nice stay.

Knowing there was a possible thief with a key to my room made me feel even less safe than with the burglar in my house. I locked the door and climbed out the window and just slept in my car instead.

BEST FEATURE: Arthur has some great teeth. They’re a little yellow but the size and shape is perfect!
WORST FEATURE: When he walked, there was this strange noise his feet would make, as if there was water in his shoes.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a straw.