Ted Wilson Reviews the World: The Color Purple

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★☆☆☆☆ (1 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the color purple.

There’s no denying that the color purple is the least liked color in the spectrum. Technically mustard brown is less appealing, but it’s used so infrequently that it doesn’t receive the same quantity of hatred as purple.

Some people still insist on using purple, and that’s usually a good litmus test for their sanity. According to a poll 90% of people who like purple are sociopaths.

Anytime I accidentally get locked in the library overnight, I find myself free to do a lot more research for my reviews, and this was one of those times. I started with the book The Color Purple, starring Whoopi Goldberg. This book was a moving tale that in no way helped me understand the color purple.

But why research something that I know in my gut to be true? Think of all the things in your life that are purple. Now imagine your life without them. You probably just smiled a little, or even possibly orgasmed.

Five years ago when I reviewed purple nurples I found them to be just the worst. Is it a coincidence that something with purple in the name is so unpleasant? Not when you look at the evidence.

Purple grapes can be turned into wine, which can cause alcoholism. Purple crayons can be stabbed into someone’s eyeball, by accident or intentionally. Purple flowers sound harmless enough, right? Wrong. You’re wrong. Imagine leaning in to smell a purple flower and a bee comes out and stings you in the nose. Or even worse, it flies into your nose and stings you on the interior of your lungs. Thanks, purple.

I’ve only ever found one purple thing that isn’t horrible, and that is Ronald McDonald’s friend and/or pet Grimace. He’s always friendly and promotes unconventional body shapes. He never defecates and has no genitals. Up close he appears to be warm and soft. I love Grimace, but he can’t change my mind about purple.

WORST FEATURE: I saw a woman get her purple scarf stuck in the door of a taxi and she was dragged/strangled to death.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Uncle Sam.


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