TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: THE LETTER A

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of everything in the world. Today I am reviewing the letter A.

As the first letter of the alphabet, A is undoubtedly the most famous. Unfortunately, it suffers from being the most overused. And there is mounting evidence that it may be reaching saturation point. According to a recent survey I personally conducted, 63% of my neighbors couldn’t even tell there was an A missing when I showed them a notecard with the word ‘ardvark’ [sic] on it.

What does this mean for the future of A? My guess is people don’t find it that necessary and it will eventually become obsolete. Not everyone will be okay with this. Some will cling to it, the way some people cling to the original definition of ‘literally’.

If A does become obsolete, the baseball team the A’s will have to change their name or risk being an anachronism that young fans can’t understand. Like the Baltimore Orioles. When’s the last time you saw an oriole? I haven’t seen one in decades. They are probably extinct. Maybe I’ll ask out a bird-watcher and see what she says. If you know any attractive lady bird-watchers who are single or in an open relationship, please pass along my number: (617) 379–2576.

Anyway, I’d much rather see one of the novelty letters go, like Q or H. A will always remain a classic as far as I’m concerned. It’s bold and strong and looks like a V that is standing up. A can also be its own word. Name one other letter that can do that. Name even just half a letter that can do that. There aren’t any!

A lot of books are going to need to be reprinted when A is gone. Literally all the books will need to be reprinted. Unless there is a book out there that was written by someone with a broken A key on their typewriter. Anyway, when that time comes, the publishing industry is going to clean up. That’s why I recommend everyone invest in books very soon.

BEST FEATURE: It reminds me of the Eiffel Tower, which I saw on a postcard once and it looked quite pretty.
WORST FEATURE: It’s too pointy. If I fell out of a helicopter onto a three-dimensional ‘SALE’ sign, I would hope to land on any letter other than the A.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing The Fall Guy.