Ted Wilson Reviews the World: The Mayo Clinic

★★★★☆ (4 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing The Mayo Clinic.

The Mayo Clinic is widely regarded as one of Minnesota’s top hospitals. To find out just how good it really is, I drove to Rochester to see for myself. Then I drove home because I accidentally drove to Rochester, NY which is a much easier drive for me. I then flew to Minneapolis and then took a shuttle to Rochester. For such a great hospital, they put it in a really out-of-the-way place.

As you near the Mayo Clinic, you will be greeted by the Mayo Clinic mascot — an anthropomorphized mass of cancer cells — spinning an arrow shaped sign on a street corner and directing you to a “BONANZA SALE.” Or so I thought. It turned out to be a bunch of grapes directing me to a mayonnaise sale at the Aldi supermarket.

After I stocked up on mayonnaise and grapes, I made my way to the real Mayo Clinic. They had no mascot or big sale. Not even any coupons.

The best way to tell if a physician is worth his or her salt is to see if he or she is able to diagnose false symptoms. A bad doctor will believe anything you say just to make a quick buck. Another way to identify a bad doctor is see if you can seduce them. I tried both these techniques and my doctor didn’t fall for either of them.

The most intimate thing she did was to stick a light in my ear after I told her my ears and nipples get warm when I eat spicy food. She didn’t even touch my nipples. A bad doctor would have touched them a lot.

She seemed to be the real deal and refused to prescribe me any cocaine despite me saying I wanted it for medical use only. As near as I could tell, this was a legitimate hospital. Not like the one I normally visit.

So the doctors aren’t bad, but what about the rest of the hospital?

SECURITY: The security guards are top notch. When I dressed up as a doctor and tried to visit patients, the security guards chased after me as fast as they could.

DOORS: Every door in this place opened exactly as it should, and I couldn’t find a single unlocked door that was supposed to be locked.

WINDOWS: I tried to throw a chair through a window and it didn’t even crack. It could have been my weak arms or the light plastic chair, but those windows just would not shatter.

I couldn’t really find any flaws in The Mayo Clinic. But does this make it the best hospital in Minnesota? I have no idea because I didn’t visit any others.

BEST FEATURE: The cafeteria has some really decent pudding.
WORST FEATURE: Like any hospital, it’s a place full of sick people spreading their germs around.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing a tadpole.


About the Author

More Like This

R. Eric Thomas Wants to Save Your Capitalist Soul

The memoirist on reclaiming the N word, the F word, and the ability to define what it means to be American

Feb 18 - Arriel Vinson

Killing Time on Bad Dates Until the World Ends

"Not the End Yet" by Nicole Flattery, recommended by Colin Barrett

Jan 29 - Nicole Flattery

What Should Classic Books Smell Like?

An upcoming novel called "Bubblegum" will smell like bubblegum. Is this the start of a fragrant trend?

Jan 24 - McKayla Coyle