Ted Wilson Reviews the World: The Sneeze I Had

★★★☆☆ (3 out of 5)

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing the sneeze I had.

Except for a woman I dated who had a condition that prevented her from sneezing or French kissing, almost everyone sneezes. When you sneeze, it feels a lot like what I imagine a really quick exorcism feels like. I’ve never been exorcised personally, so I’m going with my gut on this.

The sneeze I had came on so quickly I didn’t have time to put my hand over my face and the spray went everywhere. It made me wish I had been standing over a salad bar so there would have been a sneeze guard handy. That’s why if I’m about to sneeze at Olive Garden I immediately sprint for the salad bar. Maybe I should have one of those installed in my house. I’d get a lot of free salad that way.

Unfortunately without a sneeze guard anywhere near me, the spray drifted through the air, covering all my belongings in a light coating of sneeze. I couldn’t see it of course, but I knew it was there. So I had to cover everything in bed sheets to prevent the germs from spreading. It made my house look abandoned which I think attracted the raccoons.

The sneeze came just in time, though, because I had no idea what to review this week. Sometimes the overwhelming number of things I have yet to review can be paralyzing. Should I review a pen cap or should I review a different pen cap? What about reviewing the Great Wall of China or another different pen cap? There are too many choices! That’s when my sneeze happened and it was like fate stepped in and said, “Review that sneeze!”

It was a gratifying sneeze — not like one of those sneezes where you’re right on the edge of sneezing and it never comes and then you want to kill yourself. This one was hearty and made me feel as if I’d unclogged something deep inside me. Almost as if it was something spiritual. But it wasn’t, it was just boogers.

BEST FEATURE: No need for a tissue.
WORST FEATURE: I think I sprained my neck.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing lint.

More Like This

The Last Passover Songbook You’ll Ever Need

Illustrated sheet music by Sara Lautman

Apr 22 - Sara Lautman

When Your Childhood Hero Becomes a Sad Clown

Annie Hartnett recommends an excerpt from the debut novel 'Stay Up with Hugo Best' by Erin Somers

Apr 10 - Erin Somers

The Funniest Writing You Haven’t Read

No jokes, no tricks, just seven novels and stories that will make you laugh

Apr 1 - Seth Fried