TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: TURBO BOOST

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Turbo Boost.

The hit 80s drama Knight Rider was a portent of many of the technologies we have today, from cars that drive themselves to watches that are also walkie-talkies. Sadly, one of the show’s most exciting technological advances was Turbo Boost — the ability for cars to jump over obstacles.

Currently, the only way for a car to become airborne is with the use of a ramp or life-threatening accident. Typically the use of a ramp necessitates that it be installed beforehand, which requires a lot of preplanning. What’s so wonderful about Turbo Boost is that it can happen with only the press of a button.

There are a number of things I could have avoided driving into if I had Turbo Boost. The bunny that ran out in front of me last night, for instance. Perhaps car scientists can look into the bouncing abilities of bunnies to help develop the Turbo Boost technology. We would save a lot of bunnies and driving would look cuter.

It may be that the auto industry is intentionally suppressing advancements in Turbo Boost. This may be due to collusion with the tire industry. The more time spent airborne, the longer tires will last. It’s simple math. But if you’re looking to stick it to the tire industry and can’t wait for Turbo Boost, I’d suggest putting snow chains on your tires year round. It makes for a bumpier ride but your tires will last forever.

While I’ve never personally experienced Turbo Boost, I can imagine what it’s like to go soaring through the air while little children look up at you in awe. It’s pretty awesome. I’m imagining it right now. There’s one little kid looking up at me and he can’t believe how cool I am. And now there’s a tear in his eye. I hope it’s one of joy. Oh no. He just realized he’ll never be as cool as me. Now I feel guilty. Not too guilty though, because wheeeeeeeeeeee!

Turbo Boost would also be a big time-saver in heavy traffic or construction zones. If a deer runs out in front of you, Turbo Boost over it. If that deer is just a guy dressed as a deer and playing a prank, you won’t get convicted of manslaughter for driving into him.

What I’ve described here today is only the tip of the Turbo Boost iceberg. That’s why I implore the young and innovative tech companies to please invent Turbo Boost. Please, Mark Zuckerberg or Gary Google — if you’re reading this — the world needs you, and you’re the only ones who can save us.

BEST FEATURE: The name Turbo Boost is exciting, informative, and sounds a little like “burro juice.”
WORST FEATURE: Once Turbo Boost is invented, a lot of people will be hitting their heads on their car ceilings.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing an onion.