TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: UBER

★★★★☆

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Uber.

Uber is a taxi business where the taxis look just like regular cars and the drivers look just like regular people. It’s pretty inventive. Last week I rode in my first one. It felt like I was in the back seat of a stranger’s car. Like hitchhiking but not for free.

My driver was named Ameer and his day job is as a regular taxi driver. We didn’t talk much because when I asked him questions he said, “No talking.” I guess he had a lot on his mind and wanted to focus on the road.

Unfortunately it was raining, so the 27-minute ride cost me $112.47. This is no different from regular taxis. Like the time I took a regular taxi and at the end of the trip the driver said, “It’s raining so give me an extra $80.” And I did, of course, because he made a good point. Then he asked me for all kinds of personal information just like Uber does.

What really sets Uber apart from other taxi businesses is how you can hail them with your cell phone instead of having to raise your hand. With a regular taxi you never know who the driver might be but with Uber’s taxi service you can choose your driver by their photo. That way you can be sure to select someone who looks like they probably won’t sexually assault you.

I had chosen Ameer because I liked the shirt he was wearing. He turned out not to be wearing it when he arrived five minutes after I hailed him, so I guess he stopped somewhere along the way to change. He must have spilled coffee on it or something. I liked that he cared about his appearance.

As I passed pedestrians I waved to them excitedly. “Look at me,” I screamed. “I’m in an irregular taxi!” No one looked, however, I think because to them it just looked like a car. And also I couldn’t figure out how to lower my window, so it was probably hard to hear me anyway. “Stop screaming, I can’t stand you,” screamed Ameer extra loudly so I could hear him over my own screaming. That was the most he said to me.

I cheered up slightly when he dropped me off because he stopped in the middle of an intersection blocking traffic. It made me feel important and powerful to make everyone have to wait for me, like I mattered.

BEST FEATURE: It’s hard to pick just one best feature when the whole experience is amazing!
WORST FEATURE: No one can tell you’re in an Uber taxi unless you yell it at them.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Björk Guðmundsdóttir.

About the Author

More Like This

Thank You for Calling the Writer Envy Helpline

If a writer you know on Twitter has written an entire book in the time it’s taken you to call this number, press 4

Jul 19 - Julie Vick

A Good Samaritan and a Giant Meet on the Beach

"The First Day of What Remained for Tedman Ward" by Nell Hanley, about a moment of reprieve for two lonely middle-aged men

Jul 17 - Nell Hanley

All Nakedness Ends in Death

"i like to get naked" and "skeleton of glass and marmalade," two poems by Kiik Araki-Kawaguchi

Jul 15 - Kiik Araki-Kawaguchi