Ted Wilson Reviews the World: Windex

★★★★★

Hello, and welcome to my week-by-week review of the world. Today I am reviewing Windex.

If you have a dirty window, you have two options; smash out all the glass, or clean it with Windex. Smashing the glass is dangerous, costly, and leaves your home vulnerable to intruders. But with Windex, your windows will be so clean that birds will forget you have windows.

Scientists at the S.C. Johnson Laboratory for Windex Studies have determined Windex to be the Most Incredible of all window cleaners. Their pamphlet didn’t get into specifics — which is fine by me because I’m not a scientist — but I have to say that’s a pretty impressive accolade to receive.

Windex is also great for the environment, as I have learned firsthand. Fill your bathtub with it and you don’t need to waste any water to bathe. A tubful of Windex will last up to a week before it starts to get weird and you need to change it. If you typically take a 45-minute shower, that’s millions of gallons of water saved each year.

A lot of people say Windex isn’t safe to drink — and that’s partly true — but you can condition your body to not reject it. Start with very small amounts and work your way up. After a few months you can drink an entire shot glass of Windex without feeling too bad. (I didn’t want to drink Windex, but to understand it fully for this review I had to. I drink everything I review.)

The price of Windex can’t be beat. It’s cheaper than a kombucha. I don’t know what a kombucha is — it might also be a glass cleaner — but it’s much more expensive than Windex.

Because so many people use Windex, it’s a great conversation starter. Next time you’re at a party and experiencing an awkward conversation with a stranger, trying mentioning how you bought some Windex earlier in the day even if you didn’t. I’ve made a good number of friends with whom our only real common ground is Windex. It’s all we talk about. Ever.

Disclaimer: This review hopefully retroactively sponsored by Windex.

BEST FEATURE: It’s addictive but not in a debilitating way.
WORST FEATURE: Bathing in Windex can leave your skin with a blue tint if you stay in for more than an hour.

Please join me next week when I’ll be reviewing Star Trek.

TED WILSON REVIEWS THE WORLD: INVASIVE PASSION

About the Author

More Like This

A Victorian Novelist Attempts To Write Queer Characters Without Getting Censored

They were simply good friends! Barely even friends. They had never met, actually.

Sep 6 - Colin Heasley

Everything We Learned About Women’s Anatomy from Male Authors

Wait, you think women keep their credit cards WHERE?

Aug 2 - Jess Zimmerman

6 Literary Party Games for Your Next Salon

Finally, classic games have been reinvented with writers in mind

Aug 2 - Halimah Marcus