Which WWI Poet Should You Fight?

Obviously you're going to have to throw hands with one of the great warrior-bards of the early 20th century—but who?

Whether it’s sweet and right to die for one’s country is up for debate, but everyone loves a good brawl. In one corner we have you, the reader, an expert at reading and maybe other stuff. In the other corner, we have poets writing from the frontlines and the home front during WWI, profoundly affecting the course of literature and laying the foundations of modernism. A real clash of the titans scenario. Luckily, we’ve researched fighting styles of each poet and created this definitive guide to help you decide which poet you should fight.   

Rupert “Toxic Masculinity Incarnate” Brooke

Fighting for a cause. Victory driven. Fight might go on longer than he expects but he’s still intent on beating your ass. Strapping young English lad. Thinks death is hot. Sleeps in a grave plot for fun. Will kill your horse, will kill anyone’s horse. Fight him if you want to die in a blaze of glory. 

Wilfred “My Dead Friends are Hot” Owen

Standard round of fisticuffs. Will buy you a beer afterwards. Takes place in a bar parking lot. Insists on shaking your hand—has a very firm handshake. Fights you because you insulted his writing style. Haunted by his dead friends but secretly into it. Keeps insisting that he doesn’t have a crush on Sassoon even though you never brought that up. Punches you because he’s not allowed to gently caress you. 

Mary “Critically Underrepresented” Borden

Can’t predict her next move. Keeps a fancy set of brass knuckles in her bag. Will tear you apart just to stitch you back up. Cheats but you don’t notice until it’s too late. Will never forget this as long as she lives. Thinks the bruises you leave on each other are “artsy” and wants to take photos of them. After the fight you ask around but no one’s heard of her. Fight her only if you can afford the medical bills.

Isaac “Isaac Rosenberg” Rosenberg

Weak but scrappy. Never lets go of his morals. Poor, Jewish, nothing to lose. Is not above biting you. Pacifist but will fight for money. Loyal to no gentile. Just wants to leave. Loves his mom. Would fight you but more importantly would fight Sassoon. Is probably a decent fight but he’s saving it for Sassoon.

Siegfried “Sluice Me Free” Sassoon

Will sluice you. Homosocial. Can’t bench press you yet, but he’s building up to it. Always checks his phone while you’re talking. No respect for morality outside his own. Might decide halfway through that the fight is pointless. He’s literally just a meat sack full of testosterone. Doesn’t know this Rosenberg guy. Spends the whole fight showing off for Owen. Fight if you want a really cool looking black eye. 

Robert “Just a Friend” Graves

Fights you, but as a friend. If you go down, he’ll go down too out of solidarity. Searching for that wet bond of blood. Believes your lives are now entwined. Do you want to get a drink after this haha just kidding unless. When he says your fat lip is hot he’s actually saying you’re hot. Hitting you but also hitting on you. 

Jessie “Women Can Be Bootlickers Too” Pope 

Will call you a pussy if you don’t fight her. Texted all her friends about how great this fight is going to be. She’s doing enough by showing up but you need to put your life on the line. Shit-talks you like crazy. Tries to draw a crowd so they can all boo you. Facetimes her boss into the fight. Feigns an injury two seconds in.    

WB “The B Stands for Bastard” Yeats 

Wears stupid pince-nez glasses that aren’t going to stay on his face. Not remotely prepared for this. Won’t show up to the fight but later he’ll tell everyone you’re a shitty fighter. Asks why you don’t like getting your ass kicked. Tells you that you should find beauty in getting your ass kicked or you’re not a real fighter. Won’t let anyone near his ass so it’s never been kicked but still, he wants you to know that the Greek tragic choruses sang. 

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