Write Your “Leaving New York” Essay With Our Handy Chart
Your post-Big Apple future—and the inevitable masterpiece of navel-gazing you'll write about it—are hidden in the letters of your name
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Maybe you’ve had enough of the fireworks. Maybe you were heavily influenced by the “worst places in New York” Twitter discourse. Maybe you’ve just spent four months contemplating how you spend half your income to live in a tiny dark room. Whatever it is, you’re now fantasizing about saying Goodbye to All That. We cannot responsibly encourage you to move around the country right now, but we can help you get started on the inevitable personal essay you’ll write when you do!
Just find the first letter of your name in column A, the second letter in column B, and so on, and plug them into the sentence we’ve provided. So for instance, if you’re Joan Didion, you’d look for J in column A, O in column B, A in column C, etc.—and then when you ran out of letters in “Joan” you’d start on your last name. The result: “New York taught me apathy and how to walk two miles in heels, but now that I have massive debt it’s time to move to Berlin and retire early.” Man…. <stares blankly out tiny sliver of window I pay mumble mumble dollars for>… sounds great.