Writer Horoscopes for February 2016: Metaphor in Retrograde

by Apostrodamus

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)
Aquarians may find themselves in a rut after the rush of optimism at the start of the new year. For those working on long-term projects, it may be a good time to take a break, switch genres completely, and play a little in the unfamiliar to gain strength in unused writing muscles. Get yourself freaky and limber is what I (and the floating orbs) are saying. If you write historical fiction, read some flash sci-fi. If you’re a poet, read some financial documents. Everyone should read more erotica, and write more too. Get out of your comfort zone. This is a good month for trying your hand at Oulipo exercises, Oblique Strategies and the like. Get kinky. The word of the month is play.

Lucky genre: Theoretical Extraterrestrial Erotica
Lucky punctuation: ¿

Pisces (February 19 — March 20)
Fiction-writing fish will be swimming with the current this February. Whether looking for a place to spawn or an underwater nook for literary idea-fertilization, it should be an auspicious month for Pisces. But that doesn’t mean literary Pisces should thrash about in self-congratulatory excitement. Your waves may upset others and cause turbulence downstream. Be instead like the gender-switching cuttlefish that Victor Victoria’s its way to success by assessing the needs of the situation. If you’re a big fish in a small pond, it might be good to consider mentoring a younger writer. If you’re a small fish in a big pond, consider strengthening your community. Poets may experience intense visions this month, perhaps even premonitions. Sources say you should listen to your witchy night wishes, keep a dream diary, and mine that isht for gold.

Lucky genre: Aquatic Slipstream
Lucky punctuation: ~

Aries (March 21 — April 19)
I know, I know: new year, new novel, new and novel lover. But while February’s love bug may have you curled over your laptop writing novella-length love letters to future readers, dead poets, and current suitors, you can’t just ram (ahem) your way through every door — creative or otherwise. Take it slow this month…in the sack and on the page. Your mental and physical health need some attention (especially your joints and segues), so step away from the desk, stretch that back out, and stare at the birds for a second before hunching back over your magnum opus. If you’re a gainfully employed writer (ha!), sources say single Aries may find love in the office (perhaps while photocopying your manuscript for revision?).

Lucky genre: Self-Help for the Impatient
Lucky punctuation: —

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)
For the Taurus with a manuscript in their back pocket, this could be a banner month. Think big. That’s right. Send those manuscripts out, contact those agents, show up at the stupid industry party and charm the socks off the gatekeepers and the gatekeepers’ gatekeepers while sipping cheap wine and nibbling on stale cheese. If you’re a freelance writer, up your rate or pitch that big piece you’ve been dreaming about. All signs point to strength in networking, career, and finances this month, so leave the laundry and grocery buying until next month, February is for Seamless and making moves, Taurus!!

Lucky genre: Rags to Riches
Lucky punctuation: $$$

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)
For Geminis who have been trying to get their work published through traditional avenues, this month is a good time to explore other, more creative paths. Consider self-publishing that epic poem cycle, adapting your novel in a series of six-second Vines, or simply ghostwriting that memoir your Uncle’s always bugging you about. This month, reassess and recommit yourself to your writing goals. If you’re not writing the kinds of things you want to, now’s the time to adjust your trajectory. Been thinking of ditching your historical novel about depressed 16th-century butter churners in favor of your TV pilot about adjunct vampires? Now’s the time! If there is one thing for Gemini to remember this February it’s this: You are not dependent on others to achieve your goals. This is especially important to remember after the 19th, when work strain has the potential to get the better of you. Also, there are whispers of romance in store for Geminis this month, so brush your teeth before heading out to that publishing party.

Lucky genre: Experimental Self-Help
Lucky punctuation: …

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)
Be grateful that you have surrounded yourself with friends and lovers who understand that sometimes YOU CANNOT FUCKING DEAL WITH ANYTHING UNTIL THIS CHAPTER IS FINISHED. Thankfully, you’ll have a stress-free writing month, so rack up some pages instead of messing around on social media. And speaking of social media, sources say your grace game needs to be on point this month, so beware of accidentally (or intentionally) insulting colleagues. No subtweets this month, ok? Unemployed writers have a better chance of landing a job this month, though we can’t promise that said job will pay a living wage. The finance fairy says unpaid invoices from “unexpected sources” will start trickling in the second week of the month. And if they don’t, sigh, there’s always next month.

Lucky genre: Social Media for Writers
(un)Lucky punctuation: @

Leo (July 23 — August 22)
Folks often think that writing and shepherding a book into the world is a solitary act, but we all know that’s not true. This month you will have to rely on your community and connections, old and new. Leos with manuscripts out to agents and publishers will have stiff competition this month, and breaking through the fray will be a matter of hard work and a healthy dose of luck and nepotism (but isn’t it always?). Thankfully, your community is in your corner, and you will feel both the strain of competition and the bounty of support this month in equal measure. For the lovelorn Gemini, these same supportive colleagues may also be your best match-makers so ask them if they have any single friends, especially after the 19th when the V-day mania has died down and Tinder accounts have been fired back up.

Lucky genre: Writer’s Market, Fantasy Edition
Lucky punctuation: *

Virgo (August 23 — September 22)
This month is a rollercoaster of writerly feels for the literary Virgo. Virgo writers will start the month off puffed up like an overpriced jacket made of dog fur, but those bloviated egos will get in the way of good revision (or hearing notes from others) the 18th to the 29th when the sun is opposite your decan. And pesky Neptune is making you so sensitive you may cry/murder/burn this motherfucker down if someone suggests a semicolon — A FUCKING SEMICOLON!!!!! Let’s just say it’s an inauspicious month for starting a new workshop, getting notes on that novel/story collection/life goal you’re feeling really insecure about, revision, or just about anything.

Lucky genre: How to Meditate While Multi-tasking
Lucky punctuation: Anything but a semicolon

Libra (September 23 — October 22)
Dear Libras and Libros and Librxs, the word of the month is collaboration. Yes, that’s right. Stop being so selfish. Your best bet is to work with others this month, be it finding employment or publishing opportunities. Long story short: whether you’re collaborating in bed or on the page, the only acronym you need is GGG. In fact, when revising your work this month, ask yourself, is this line GGG? Or is this a selfish line that wants to take but doesn’t give? If the line isn’t getting you off as much as it’s getting itself off, kill that darling. Sources say you will have many opportunities to use your “creative talent” this month, especially with the academic crowd. Make sure you’re not the only one enjoying your work, if you know what I mean.

Lucky genre: 69
Lucky punctuation: &

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)
This month is all about the personal essay, ese. Don’t write personal essays? Hate memoirs? Then call it semi-autobiographical fiction or just fiction and STFU. And by STFU, I mean sit back with a notepad, that unique interpretative device you call your brain, and enjoy the wackadoo manifestation of humanity around you. February gives good fodder. Hot hookups, writerly and otherwise, are in the cards, but long-term projects in love and literature take a backseat this month.

Lucky genre: Personal Ese
Lucky punctuation: !!!

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)
This month you are blessed with the gift of song and intuition. If your work isn’t making the reader vibrate, what is it doing? Instead of the left-brain list-making of outlines, the heavy-lifting of major plot holes, and the soul-killing work of freelance invoicing, spend this month revising your work with an ear for sound. Poets will be especially productive this month, and proseists who unshackle themselves from sense and cuddle up to sound will experience delights never experienced before. If you didn’t yawp in January, make sure you yawp in February. Go ahead, do it, just yawp (I know you want to). Outside pressures may vie for your time, but leave the estate planning to someone else. You’re too busy making the world vibrate.

Lucky genre: Vibrational Poetics
Lucky punctuation: ((()))

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)
This month, you’re like an old book with a fancy new cover. Sexy sea goats will have no dearth of literary lovers this month. Enter a room and bidding wars commence just to see what’s between your pages. You may feel like the next Garth Risk Hallberg, but be sure to discuss with confidantes before settling on an, er, publisher. Underpaid writers living in over-priced metropolises may find themselves moved to tears from financial hardship in the first half of the month but both freelance and full-time job prospects start to look up in the second half of the month. As for actual writing, well, you may get some of that done this month between all the strutting and catting about; we’ll see.

Lucky genre: Literary Romance
Lucky punctuation: ♥

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