Writer Horoscopes for March 2016: Total Eclipse of the Page

by Apostrodamus

Pisces (February 19 — March 20)

If you’re tearing your hair out, dear Pisces, over revisions, submissions, or other missions, you’re likely feeling the effects of the March solar eclipse. Before the eclipse on the 8th, expect to be short-tempered with editors, agents, friends, family, pets, pigeons, words, punctuation, paper, staples, paper clips… you catch my drift. Plan accordingly and avoid making messes you’ll have to clean up next month. During this time, you may also jump to conclusions. So if you think you’ve figured out that plot hole or decided to cut pages 200–450, just save a copy of the old draft, ok? (Editor’s note: please do not change your book of poetry entirely to the second person!!!!) March 4–11 are good goal-setting days — be they professional, financial, or creative — but here too be careful of making hasty and impulsive decisions. Creativity is back in the house in the second half of the month, so quit your grumbling and get back to work.

Lucky inspiration: Tantric meditation

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

Get deep this month, Aries. The lead-up to your birthday is a prime time to examine your writing slate. Do you have a project that excites you? Or do you feel stuck in yet another way to make a buck? If your reflection is less 🙂 and more a ¯_(ツ)_/¯, it’s OK. Drop the hair shirt, and rechart your course. If you’re a freelancer, try out a new ratio of client to personal work. Steal time whenever you can. Write what’s true/strange/fascinating to you, and 2016 might bring those wild words: staff writer, tenure track, eternal solvency.

Lucky inspiration: Psychoanalysis

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)

Stubborn Taurus, you are lucky the world adores you thus. You may like to play things close to the vest but the eclipse on March 8 signals a time to get something off your chest. Need to talk to your coworkers about inequality and the lack of diversity in publishing? Need to have a difficult discussion with your editor about the direction of your novel/poetry collection /etc.? This month is as good as any, and the stars say folks will be more receptive to what you have to say in the first two weeks of the month. The second half of the month, dear Taurus, is about taking action on those conversations and opportunities — make that change happen on the page and off!

Lucky inspiration: Manuals for public speaking

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

Your writing engine’s full of pep, and you’re looking sharp this month, Gemini! Say yes: pitch new outlets, join a workshop, sign that contract — and know the deal’s gonna go in your favor. The only words of caution: you’ve got real friends and “real friends.” Now’s the time to sort between the two. Who’s in your corner when you’re wavering on sending that final-final-REAL-draft.doc to your editor? Who’s only in it for your stack of ARCs? Drop the scrubs — keep your love and editorial emotional labor for those who reciprocate.

Lucky inspiration: Advice columns

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

Cancers with book deals in the works will find March 4–11 an especially auspicious time for haggling over contracts. Now is a good as time as any to demand only red M&Ms in your ridersor contractually obligate your editor to forego semicolons!!! While others are “feeling the Bern,” you are feeling the power that writers only feel during goddamn solar eclipses (which is to say: minimal, fleeting, and probably bullshit). Have no fear, though, because Cancers get slapped with the pretties mid-month (it’s as if someone slid rose-colored glasses over your sleeping head and dosed your coffee with E), so write some epic love poems and utopian manifestos, and reassure the rest of us that the world isn’t going to shit in a Trump-branded handbasket, m’kay?

Lucky Inspiration: Utopian theory

Leo (July 23 — August 22)

OK, Leo, here’s your March spell. Gather your giants, whatever moves you — books (duh), movies, weird scientific theories, jokes, the truly human depths of Yahoo! Answers, etc. Go cross-genres, -mediums, -forms — and steal from each. Mash everything up. This month’s stellar for literary experiments, especially early on. You’re gonna spew some mutant genius, and people will like it. Heck, you might score a big-bucks contract.

Lucky inspiration: Teen Tumblr

Virgo (August 23 — September 22)

Uh-oh, literary Virgo: You’re in a bad way AGAIN this month. I’m not sure why the planets hate you so much (probably because you are so smart and awesome and they’re just jealous) but it looks like frustrations from last month carry over into this one. From March 4–11 pesky Mercury is opposite your decan, which means your communication game is OFF — so off, in fact, you might want to turn your phone off too. TO BE CLEAR: this is not a good month to try to negotiate contracts, STET your editors edits, have that sit-down talk with your partner about respecting your “writing time,” etc. This is a good month for writing paranoid espionage thrillers, paranoid gender thrillers, paranoid economic thrillers, and paranoid horoscopes. I mean, does it matter if the world is out to get you if you get them first with…A BOOK?

Lucky inspiration: Airport espionage thrillers

Libra (September 23 — October 22)

You’re a writing machine this month, Libra, but look out for yourself. You’ll generate keener ideas and sharper lines if you mind your health. Get physical: work out character arcs loping round the park, pummel your way through stalled starts (just enough to get zen — don’t ding your typin’ hands), or soak in the tub (self-care is real!) and dream up your ideal cover. Do what makes your body happy, and you’ll crank out the pages by month’s end.

Lucky inspiration: Athlete biopics

Scorpio (October 23 — November 21)

Dear literary insect, this month is all smooth scuttling. Writing and revising will come easily to you this month, whether you’re working on a new project or finishing up an old one. Beauty reigns supreme, and those writing about relationships will find their writing extra, erm, fertile. This is especially true of the second half of the month when Venus is trine your decan (that means not exactly opposite: 120 degrees). March is also a good month for bringing visual art into your writing, whether via collaboration with an artist, or by simply paying attention to the shapes your words make on the page. Turn your stinger into a pen nib and use it for drawing vast swashes and curliques in the sand, Scorpio!

Lucky Inspiration: Museums and art galleries

Sagittarius (November 22 — December 21)

If you’re experiencing a manuscript meltdown, befriend an animal. For real — loiter in a dog park, cat-sit for the best writer you know (try this chant: the fluffier the ruff, the better the pub), or google the zillion adorable animal havens in Japan (e.g., deer that bow! back! to you!). You got a lot of energy to burn in the first chunk of the month — so let your mind unwind, and pesky plot points will slot in place. Your revision success puts you in the best mood the second half of March.

Lucky inspiration: Cat videos on loop

Capricorn (December 22 — January 19)

Oh snap, Cap, it’s eclipse season!! If you don’t know now you know (that it’s good news for you and your writing). It looks like you’re going to have a good run these next few months so think long-term projects and new collaborations. Creativity peaks on the 8th and 9th, so play hooky from work and spend those days writing past the margins of your spiralbound. Boss want to know why? Tell ’em the stars made you do it. Oh, hold up: the stars also say you should play hooky the 14th-16th to work on your writing!! Actually, according to our predictions you only REALLY need to go into work on the 18th this month. [Editor’s note: Please consult your bank account before following this advice. The stars are not legally responsible for the loss of any job due to the advice in this post.]

Lucky Inspiration: Lottery winners

Aquarius (January 20 — February 18)

Everyone’s gonna give you the eye this month — make sure you give them good material. For the first two weeks, chat up would-be editors, collaborators, even publicists. Get the word out about you and your work: sign up for a panel, swap drafts with a friend, make the laps at book launches. RT that praise. If ever, this is the best time to hot-take your way to a new deal or assignment. Get in your human interaction now; stars realign the second half of the month, and it’s back to the desk.

Lucky inspiration: Ad slogans

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Thank You!